• Member Since 27th May, 2015
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Electric Aura


The genesis of a winged lunatic.

T
Source

Twilight has a theory about the behavior of pegasus ponies and needs a subject to study. Enter Rainbow Dash.

A short comedy/shipping fic that I've had the idea of floating around my head for a while, I probably haven't done it justice, but whatever, I've actually written something, its a miracle!

Cover art done by : Mattings

PEGASUS PONIES ARE BIRBS CONFIRMED

ALSO FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA'S GIANT BUTT IF YOU DISLIKE GIVE FEEDBACK.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 41 )

Seems like a decent premise. Will read.

hhhhmmm I hope this is more romance than clop, I forgot in which group that was added and that the romance is happening because she actually has some feelings or develops them, not simply because Twilight maybe starts thinking that Rainbow is hot or something.

56

Somewhere in the distance, Pinkie broke the 4th wall and gave the author a well deserved slap for that last line shecouldshould have left out.

What you're doing here is fine in theory, but the show analog for something this unsubtle would be if they cut from the cartoon straight to a live action shot of animators working on computers in an office.

Somewhere in the distance, Pinkie broke the 4th wall and gave the author a well deserved slap for that last line she could should have left out.

already not my favourite part.

Well after reading it again the chapter itself was otherwise pretty much okay, not much to say in the first chapter.

This part here really broke my stride:

Somewhere in the distance, Pinkie broke the 4th wall and gave the author a well deserved slap for that last line she could should have left out.

I think this is a bit too blunt a joke, and it felt out of context with the fic so far.

I'm not sure I see what calls for a lampshading like that from the previous line, either.

The rest of the fic seems mostly solid although I think you could have gone with a bit of a faster pace in the opening chapter. This seems like a lot of words for "Twilight wants to study a pegasus because she's curious about how they have bird-like behavior. Also there is some sexual tension between her and Rainbow Dash."

Birb-Dash? Twilight getting ogled?

This is definitely something I wanna keep an eye on. :twilightsmile:

I would suggest not doing fourth-wall jokes, since they ruin the flow of a story that isn't Crack. Other than that, this was well written, and I want to see where this goes.

While this doesn't appear to be plagiarism, the idea has already been done:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/74422/twilights-bird-feeder

8782936
Thanks for letting me know, I'll check it out so I don't end up just making the same story over again.

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Exact kind of feedback I was looking for, thanks!

8783901
I did a quick skim of your story, and it appears to be fairly different in execution. As I said, you don't appear to be plagiarizing it. I think you're guilty of writing your own idea, just one that shares surface appearances with an already existing story. I'd suggest finishing your story, then reading the old one.

“Great! I mean, good, yeah. I'm happy to help.” Rainbow gave a nervous smile, silently scolding herself for verbally faceplanting in front of Twilight. “Just, uhm, let me know when, I'm sure you have a bunch of questions left. Hehe…” She rubbed the back of her neck, looking at anything but Twilight's eyes.

The Crush comes a bit out of nowhere I guess, either that or she is just embrassed by her first mess up.

Twilight had barely moved when their lips met, she was surprised by the kiss, and yet not surprised at all.

I'm not sure what to think of it, is she playing with her or does she suddenly really have those feelings for Rainbow?. I'm just always suprise as soon as I see the princess of forwardness. (You know that our bookmare get's all sultry and stuff).

I kind of hope she didn't just played with her, that would have been a step for far, afterwall Rainbow looked really cute and slightly nervous here.

The chestfloof thing, when she imaged Fluttershy having more, I kept thinking if the Stallions would keep thinking how soft and nice it must be to rest your head there when cuddling with your partner. I wanted to say more there but took that part out, so if the sentence looks odd for some reason it's because of the missing piece.
It just suddenly looked like a big pillow to me.
I guess most of the stuff like this was taken from bird stuff?

Extra floofy floof.

It’s nice running into a story that doesn’t beat around the bush with this kind of thing

At first I thought Twilight was nervous too, then she looks like she had everything under control and is only confused why Rainbow doesn't act like she thought she would. I admit I would have prefered if Twilight wasn't acting a bit like she would keep her cool in a relationship. I really expect someone like her to be somewhat unsure about things.

Twilight found herself actually keeping interest in the Daring Do novel! Multiple minutes had passed and still she was reading, although much of it was thinking back to memories of Rainbow Dash reading the same book. “Yup... I have it bad, I have to talk to Rainbow, even if she doesn't reciprocate my feelings.”

I'm not really sure what to think, I can't really say if it was only an experiment to her and she is noticing some side effects "love" right now, or if the whole thing was a trick to get close to her, then again she acted like she expected stuff to happen and it didn't meant much to her.
I kind of hope I got my point across, if I could write in german here then I would probably be able to explain it better I think. That way maybe some stuff looks I mean something else.

Ri2

...Wait, is...is Fluttershy a player?!

Ri2

...Doesn't reciprocate? Twilight, she KISSED YOU.

“Hoo…” Owlowiscious rolled his eyes, he would never understand why ponies always did things in such convoluted ways.

Yep, all needs to do is leave a dead mouse or two at Dash's place and if she eats them it's a done deal!

While the Wonderbolts were largely a demonstration team, they were still a branch of the Equestrian Air Force, and she knew she had obligations and rules to stick to.

Of course.

“Flatfoot, Dizzy, at my 9 o’clock and 3 o'clock!” Fleetfoot and Misty Fly quickly got into their respective positions on the runway with the Captain. “Slowpoke, Hoof-In-Mouth, at Fleet’s 7 o’clock, and Misty’s 5 o’clock.” Just as with their teammates, Surprise and High Winds lined up, ready to go. “Crash at my 6 o'clock behind them, and Sparky behind her!”

Ah, the others get referred to by their nicknames too, that's good, I like that.

“You okay Dash?” Surprise quickly looked over the prismatic rookie, looking for any injuries.

THIS! FUCKING THIS! She's probably mad, but she's checking to see if she's hurt first. THEN she can chew her out.

The Captain couldn't help but snort and smile with amusement. “Distracted by somepony you like, this has happened before, actually, it's happened multiple times. Listen Dash, I'm no Princess of Love, but if past experience has shown me anything, the only way to feel better is to face the pony you're thinking about. Go see your friend, I'm sure she wants to talk to you, and I bet after you two talk, you'll feel a lot better, and fly a lot better too.” Spitfire gave a reassuring smile. “I'll see you tomorrow, and I'll expect you to be back on your game, got it?”

Oh my god I love this. Spitfire acts tough on the clock because that's her job, but she's as much a pony as any other and if there's a problem that's affecting one of her teammembers, she's going to see what's going on and how it can be fixed.

“Ugh!” Frustrated and bored, Twilight facedesked, her muzzle squishing on the crystal table. “A whole library FULL of books, and none of them are interesting!” She threw her hooves in the air before using the book currently in front of her as a pillow, and grumbling quietly.

Ah, a plight I'm sure MANY are aware of in one form or another.

“Yup... I have it bad, I have to talk to Rainbow, even if she doesn't reciprocate my feelings.”

And this is why you're Purple SMART.

I need more. Now. <.< WRITE FASTER!!!!

Oh, right critique. . . . .

Uhhh. . . . .

YOu have excellent grammar, spelling. The story is very well paced and leaves me wanting more (obviously), which is something I often find difficult to accomplish in my own writing. All in all, you're one of the best writers I've encountered on this site so far.
Not saying much, as I've only been a member a couple hours, but, hey! I've looked at a lot of stories in that amount of time, of yours was the first one I actually sat and read from start to all-to-soon finish.
By the way, you really capture the personalities of the characters. I love that! It's something not everyone is good at, but to me can make or break a fanfic. ;)

Anyway. . . . . . Are you done with the next chapter yet? XD ;)

When will the next chapter be out?

WHY MUST YOU TEASE US SO?!?

8853154
Nice timing, keep an eye out for the next few minutes! :raritywink:

8853155
Okay, there it is. Thanks!

“Yeah! That... Y-you did that.” Dash sat looking at the feather, then returned her gaze back up to Twilight. “I wasn't sure if you would know or not... But I figured that you were studying Pegasi, so there was a chance. I'm glad I took that chance, this means so much Twilight.” Unable to wipe the smile from her face, Rainbow approached Twilight, wings extended, and hung her head over the Princess’ neck, gently hugging her. Twilight quickly returned the gesture, wings flaring open as she also hung her head over Dash’s neck in a hug.

This is cute.

Does she even like mares?! Everypony is bisexual though, she must.

It's refreshing to see this "problem" addressed so bluntly. Every time a shipfic pulls the "Are they gay?" thing to add extra length, I just roll my eyes, because nine times out of ten it adds no value to the story. We all know the answer anyways: it's a shipfic, of course they're gay (or bi). Why make a whole song and dance about it?

... Now if only you'd also avoided the whole "Fleeing the scene" trope. It adds a chapter or two to length, I guess, but what are readers really getting out of it? It's very hard to pull off in a way that doesn't just seem like a delay of the inevitable lovey-dovey kissu-kissu~ scene, and it's so commonplace at this point that it doesn't add the slightest bit of suspense anymore.

My overall feeling on this is that it's... Nice. I don't really have much to say on it, really. I didn't notice any errors and your characters are fine, but it's not very memorable among the hundreds of other Twidash fics out there. Maybe if you'd played with that Comedy tag and the idea of bird behaviors in Pegasi more, it could have been a more interesting read. You've definitely got some solid writing ability, but I've read this same story dozens of times before with slight variations and came into it hoping for something different.

Interesting detail with which wing the feather has to come from.

Cute and fluffy. Grammar needs some work, but I like it.

8853387
It would help if my editor/proofreader wasn't myself. It would also help if you gave a few examples, cause I'm not gonna be able to spot my own errors.

8853366
It was taken from Japanese Kimono tradition. (I'm half-Japanese, any excuse to use stuff like that makes me happy.) :rainbowkiss:

8853345
Welcome to every FiMFiction story, where all you can do as a new writer is write something extremely generic, because if you write something fun, it'll be called out as plagerism. You have no idea how much I wanted to go crazy with the comedy tag. I had so many ideas, but I killed them to avoid being to similar to already written stories on the site. Generic Fanfic: The Fanfic

Thanks for the feedback though.

8853668
Just as an example, there are numerous instances where you used a comma when a period or semicolon was required. Commas should not be used to join two independent clauses unless you also use a conjunction.

8853701
Oh god, you're talking serious grammar, there is no way I'd catch any of that. I'm no English major, and I haven't had an English class since 2015, that kind of stuff is never going to be fixed unless I get an editor who knows about this stuff. I like to write, I never claimed to be good at it. :pinkiecrazy:

8853345
Sorry you dislike the answer, but it is completely true. I had ideas, but they were far to similar to an already existing story, thus I ditched them. There is a point where there are no good original ideas left, and within my ability and likes, there are very few left.

8853681

Welcome to every FiMFiction story, where all you can do as a new writer is write something extremely generic, because if you write something fun, it'll be called out as plagerism

I might be misinterpreting this but... What? I mean, I totally feel you on the fact that good ideas that haven't been explored are few and far between, I've had plenty of ideas that I've scrapped upon discovering something similar, but you lose me after that. In order to avoid claims of plagiarism, you write something more similar to things already written? I mean, I guess at some point it goes from "plagiarism" to "trope-heavy", but I think I'd prefer the former if it means a more entertaining and "original" story. You can argue about which way is more "original", but I feel like watering down a story to make it indistinguishable from dozens of others is the opposite of how one should deal with potential plagiarism. If this fic were the second coming of Mood Wings, or that one story where Twilight buys a bird feeder, but it was good and didn't plot point-for-plot point follow the other story it was similar to, I think I'd have liked it a lot more.

8853804
I have no original ideas that would make it stand out, so I just went with generic. When you make something generic like that, then the whole plagerism thing doesn't become an issue just due to the massive number of similar stories. I wrote a thing, I never claimed I was good at writing.

8853345
Agree, have Twilight research that more. You put in something unique and ignore it

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