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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A "cool" protagonist uses the author's fave fiction powers to fight against his foes (powers the chump gets for no reason). This might evolve to some form of god/Sue later in the story, but that's a coin flip.
Somewhere along the way he'll meet Princess Twilight Sparkle and she'll instantly "feel a connection" with him, for whatever reasons. Maybe he saves her, maybe they're born with it, maybe it's plot convenience. She tries talking about friendship, he'll claim how he's feared, hated, powerful, and his way of life is superior. She'll act OOC and say, "Wow, you must have have bad friends, but open up to me", and will either cure him with her womanly wiles or learn to live with his edge.
After that, we'll go down two alternate routes. Harem route and solo route.
Harem Route includes him meeting all the mane 6 (in this case humane) and, one by one, converts them to his harem. Details aren't important, he'll just do it because. Go on to Solo route as not much else changes.
Solo route: The girls all confide in him and allow the OC to lead them, despite having no reason to. Twilight would make a better leader, but for some reason this nobody who is nothing more than a chump will have good plans, a solid head, and leadership under his belt.
Slowly ramp up to final boss, some form of god, defeat it through friendship or edge (your choice).
Extra points if you entertain the following:
OC never faces serious threats
Everyone acts OOC around the OC
OC one-ups everyone in everything they're good in
Now, this is just by going off the description and general trends. Not 100% accurate, but I think it's a close enough guesstimate to be valuable.
Don't take any notice of Hamster_Master. This guy is an asshole who likes to shit on people's fic's regardless if it's good or bad.
8776752
Hey genius, you forgot to hit that funny symbol that indicates Reply. It looks like >>. You're welcome.
8776965 Thank you for calling me a genius because I did hit that symbol otherwise I wouldn't be able to make a comment.
Okay its only the first chapter and it instantly gets judged that much. Jeez people need to chill and stop assuming things, News flash the shows make Diamond dogs the dumbest things alive so easy to deal with
My concern lies chiefly with the grammar. Using correct grammar will greatly increase the odds that your fic will be taken seriously.
This idea has also been done a lot, though. Might want to go with something fresher.
8777163 That's is because Hamster_Master didn't read your story. His comment is a copy and paste that he sometimes use. I know this because this the same comment he use on chapter 19 of My little Tactic just yesterday and it's clear he didn't read all the chapters of that story. So I will say it again. Don't take any notice of Hamster_Master he isn't worth your time.
Nice story by the way.
Third person PoV is better than second or First.
I am not running around.
I am sitting on my butt, reading a fic and judging it.
Ranger Wolf is running around.
Please in the future, use 3rd person.
8777379
Thanks for the support. Yeah i don't care about his comment his lose for even bothering to copy paste it anyways.
8777527
I'll take that into account
8777379
You cyberstalking me, creeper? How about you work on that third grade level grammar instead of going /r9k/ on an internet rando?
8777972 Your welcome ^^
8778272 It isn't cyberstalking since you keep popping up in the comments of different fic's.
8777527
First of all, Second person is used to refer to the reader NOT first person. Secondly there are benefits to first and second person, third is not the best because that is an opinion. And there are multiple types of third person. I personally prefer first person.
8776748
Why don't you be a good little troll and go back under whatever rock you crawled out from under and stay there.
As far as this chapter goes, it's a bit fast paced and grammar is a bit rough. Take some time and slow the pace down a little bit. Also in a situation like this it's best to go over full inventory of your character.
Why did you call the Sierra Madre the worst DLC? Wouldn’t that title go to Honest Hearts?
So I just finished this first chapter and I want to give an honest critique of it.
It honestly doesn’t start out that strong, almost instantly hitting the reader with your personal opinion when we don’t even know the characters name yet. It also has a case of the “Minecraft fanfic” disease, where the author just assumes the reader knows enough about New Vegas and it’s DLC to understand it, not accounting for people who might not be gamers.
The name of the game here is detail, be more descriptive! Briefly explain why your character hates the Sierra Madre. Tell us more about his likes and dislikes, explain what his life is like! When he finally escapes the vault, he shouldn’t just yell, he should be exclaiming with joy as he finally finished that “damned DLC”. Remember, “the name of the game is detail”!
Your character description is actually pretty good, giving us a good idea of how he looks, but it is kinda out of place when you put it in so abruptly. Again, detail is important as from how you worded it, it sounded like he just collapsed on the floor after brushing his teeth. Now you don’t have to go into “Lord of the Rings” levels of detail, but a brief description of his room would make it so much easier to understand.
When he wakes up in Equestria with his NCR Ranger armor, I do have one major complaint, he adapts way to easily to his surroundings. It’s a pitfall most stories with Oc’s face, be it turning into ponies or just being sent to Equestria out of the blue, they adapt extraordinarily well to the outlandish settings they find themselves in. A nerd like this guy should be freaking out way more than he did when he wakes up in the middle of a desert wearing armor from a video game, not just accept it like he’s done this before. A great way to avoid this is by thinking to yourself “how would a normal person react in this scenario?” and writing it down. Let him freak out for several minutes before he finally calms down to get a bearing on his surroundings, then realizing that he is wearing NCR ranger armor and armed to the teeth with weapons. This also applies when he see’s the buffalo tribe and the diamond dogs, he should be having a mental breakdown just looking at buffalo wearing native American attire or bipedal sentient dogs. The rest of the review would be me just rehashing the “have more detail” critique, so I’ll just wrap it up.
This is your first story so I can’t give you too much flak, as what I just critiqued is a common error most first timers go through. I should know, I wrote in a style similar to yours when I was in my Minecraft days and got the same complaints about my writing. The only way I got better was by continuing on with my writing so I could stretch my creative muscles and make better stories. And by the looks of that like to dislike bar you definitely got better with your writing over time. I hope this didn’t feel too mean-spirited, I just found that the best way to improve someone’s writing was by not holding back your negative critiques, but doing it in a way that didn’t make it feel like an insult. Keep writing and I know you’ll get better, so CONTINUE WRITING ON I SAY!
Despite the rather haphazard drop into the story and the jagged flow, I'mma keep at it since I absolutely LOVE New Vegas and I had an idea much like this a ways back.
8917240
Honest Hearts is at least entertaining, and you get cool stuff out of it. Dead Money is just kind of boring.
So... What I can say right off the bat is; slow down. A story isn't a race and readers getting whiplash from frantic pacing is bad enough on a roller-coaster and even worse when reading a story.
Secondly; don't assume too much about your reader's knowledge of the source material. You should assume that most of your intended audience won't be as familiar with the subject matter as you are, so you shouldn't take too many shortcuts when describing or exploring something that isn't pony specific; in this case the world of Fallout.
Thirdly; proofread, proofread, and then proofread. Honestly, you could use a second pair of eyes going over your work but at the very least you should hesitate to hit that publish button until things like spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been combed over intently. Nothing takes me out of a story faster than poor grammar and punctuation. Much like flubbed lines or prop malfunctions in a movie, it just takes you out of the experience and keeps what might be a good story from getting the proper attention of the audience.
At any rate, keep these things in mind as you continue, it will go a long way to gaining a following.
Could use some work. Otherwise, I think its a pretty good idea!
I have to say this story is promising, definitly adding it to the following
Now back to reading