• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen November 10th

Secret_Shadows



E

What do you do when your best friends read your Diary? What do you do when they know your deepest and most personal secrets that you don't want anypony to know?

What happens when the 3 closest fillies in Ponyville get into an argument that could end their friendship forever? Find out in this story centered around Sweetie Belle and her diary. Follow the Cutie Mark Crusaders in their quest to become friends again after a big argument leading to them parting ways.

The Cover Picture is another picture from the Deviant Art artist NaterRang.
(Its such a powerful picture I just had to write a fan fiction about it.)

I would like to thank Rendan for rewriting/editing Part 1 of this story, I would also like to thank avorin and my mother for editing and helping me with the rest of the story.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 98 )

Couple of issues

1. Pacing: You pace the story too fast, jumping from one scene to another without going into detail. Bad pacing can ruin a story.

2. You need more description. Writing is a bit like painting a picture, but instead of canvas, you're painting inside the person's mind. A person needs to be able to build the scene inside their head, and it's hard to do without description.

I hope this helps.

Just making a stereotype based prediction before I read this right quick: at 1,096 words and going off the description it's going to have a few few grammatical and spellingissues, but since this is our beloved Sweetie Belle, it's going to be cute without a doubt, so I'm going to look past that. I'll have an evaluation for you when I resurface.

Well, that went quickly. Concise and to the point, I like that. This was cute as I thought, and I admit I chuckled at the bit about the dress. Not bad kid. Work on your grammar a little bit, do some spell checking and don't be shy about the description. I'll follow this.

967701 I feel bad for you if the mods chance upon this story,

Erm, well, I had some trouble reading this. I see a lot of spelling erors and grammar errors:
1) I didn't like how in some scenes you used the same noun/person in the same sentence. You could just put "he" or "she" after a name, no biggie.
2) In places where ponies talk, there NEEDS to be a comma after they speak. Otherwise,people think that the pony is going to say something next.
3) You left out LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of commas and periods.
4) Spelling. Spelling. Spelling.
5) You need to put more detail in it. Readers can't read it when scenes just change like that. Make the reader hooked on reading it!
6) You need to put quotation marks in between words such as change "shes" into "she's".

Otherwise, great job! My favorite part was when Sweetie Belle realizes that she's wearing a diaper >:D

Thank you for the criticism,
"I really appreciate that my friends take the time to point out my flaws so I can be the best that I can" :pinkiehappy:

Anyway, the dress and her little crush was just stuff to allow you to connect with why she was so embarrassed, i mean anyone would be embarrassed to have their diary read, but I felt that putting stuff into the story like that made it easier to understand her point of view.

Note on the grammar: I do have auto correct and spell check, so half of the grammatical errors are probably the spell check/auto correct playing havoc with my stories. (Some of the spelling issues were me trying to get Apple Bloom's southern accent.) But I won't blame it all on the spell check, lol. Part 2 to come sometime tomorrow, I think I'm going to make this a 3 part story not including the epilogue.

(Edit*: I can delete the "First" post, should I, or should I leave it and see if the mods do anything about it?)

>> amazingpony

I missed your comment before I posted mine, sorry.

These stories I'm posting are all my first stories that I'm actually trying to write, so things may be......off. But I can assure you those errors will disappear in time.

As for the comment about sweetie in a diaper, going to make this very clear now before i get some weird comment about it, that was only for the use of the reader knowing what was in her diary so they could understand why she was so embarrassed, and that's the most plausible embarrassing thing I could think of.

Well, one spelling error.. it's "laughing stock," not "laughing stalk." Though, this being Sweetie Belle, it wouldn't surprise me if the thought it was stalk, and there were a celery gag somewhere in there.

As knight said, it needs to be fleshed out more. It's very much "she said, then the said that, then this happened." It's almost like an outline, more than the actual story.

Still, I liked it, and I like where it's going.

The story is nice in concept, but the execution totally butchers it.
Grammar and spelling errors, formatting issues, pacing... It's painful to read.

I hope Sweetie Belle gets revenge.

I think I will rewrite this whole chapter, fixing it up an posting it in the comments for the nice author person guy!

Spoilers Rainbow Sonicx399, spoilers.

Anyway, I had less to work with in this story than I did in the last short I did, that's why its more like an outline than an actual story, once I get into part 2 it will be better.

Though some of the feedback of part one makes me want to rewrite it.

Thoughts on me rewriting part 1?

I was writing a comment the same time you were Rendan, if you would like, I was going to do the same thing, If you would like to message it to me and I'll put it up. as the re-write.

Its a short one shot so It wouldn't be much for me to just rewrite it myself though.

This is a nice story so far. Only a few problems...

Like everyone else said, there are some issues with spelling, grammar, and pacing. The most glaring thing to me was when you misspelled 'mannequins' as 'manikins'. I'd strongly recommend looking for a proofreader here on this site to help you out if your spellchecker is missing some things.

One other story complaint: NO WAY IN A MILLION YEARS would Rarity let them sky-dive, especially Sweetie Belle, and I personally wouldn't trust Rainbow of all ponies with their safety either.

And she even had specially-made parachutes for them? WHAT. :rainbowhuh:

I switch tabs on my browser for the duration of a you tube video, a 3 minute long you tube video, and I already have 3 notifications on this story, is this story linked somewhere that I don't know about? lol

Anyway in regards to the spell check, Its a really old computer with a very basic, and i stress the word basic, very basic spell check.

I do have someone who proof reads them and makes them a lot better (As of 2 days ago a friend who took a collage course in writing.) but they are not readily available to me at the moment, probably tomorrow can you expect the rewrite if someone hasn't submitted one or if I haven done it myself.

Also, noting the sky diving thing, It was scootaloo's idea, and I was thinking that when Rarity took sweetie aside she was going to say (And quoting from my rough draft) "Your not to go sky diving with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, Rainbow is going to get an earful when I talk to her tomorrow, its ridiculous to let fillies skydive."

Also the parachutes, probably for safety or something for some other thing they were going to do.

968238
I can proofread for you, mate. If you continue this, that is.

Oh I'm continuing it, its one in a series of 3 (This being number 2) of stories I'm doing based on NaterRang's art. I fully intend on finishing it. Its just only going to be a short story unless enough people tell me to make it longer than the three planned parts I have.

I am also reading that rewrite now. And thank you for the offer, but I do have a proof reader, she just isn't available at the moment, real life stuff and all that, you know how it is. She hasn't proof read my stories yet, in fact she only proof read part one of "A Lesson Learned" (She did make edits though) However if you catch errors I would be very appreciative if you would comment them or tell me via message. In the future I intend on errors being intentional, but right now, they are just my amateur writing showing itself.

Also regarding my comma and punctuation errors, I am actually very good with that, Its just I started text based role playing and I got into the habit of not needing to put commas and other punctuation. So once I get back into the groove of things It shouldn't be that bad.

Ok, I'm most definitely uploading this re-write that Rendan did ever so nicely for me.

I will replace part I with Rendan's re-write, though its mostly the same as what I already have, it is A LOT better grammatically.

Couple little errors I noticed near the top:

"Sweetie were are you." Rarity called from down below.

"were" is the wrong word. The one you mean is "where".

"Sweetie be a dear and try this on" Rarity said as he gave the dress to Sweetie.

Unless Rarity is keeping some secrets of her/his own in a journal somewhere, I think this needs to be fixed :P

Part one has been edited/re-written by Rendan, so reread it! (He fixed a lot of the errors)

Though one thing I did change back was the edit from Potty Training to Stall Training, sounds more like pony-english that way. Yes I just invented my own pony dialect, don't patronize me for it.

Oh, I deleted the ''First'' post, because I didn't know we weren't allowed to do that :3

If the diary was open on Rarity's bed would that mean that she read it or that Sweetie Belle had just written in it?

Thats the cutest little picture of Rainbow dash and Derpy I have ever seen.

Also, with the diary being open on Rarity's bed, I was implying for Sweetie to have written in it, though we all know Rarity likes her gossip, so its up to the reader to decide weather or not Rarity was reading it, kinda like how the end of Titanic the viewer has to decide if she died or if she was just dreaming. (That's the only example I can think of)

I like it. Can't wait to see what happens!
I wish this would be a real episode
:derpyderp1::heart::raritywink:

Ok folks, Part II is going up right now! My editor has not edited it yet, so this is the unedited version, the edited version will be up in a few days, but its a really short part, so I thought I'd put it up and give you all something to read.

Now I hate Scootaloo. :flutterrage:

Spoilers: don't hate scoot, she may have gotten both of her friends in trouble, but things are going to get much better. And for once, I know what I'm talking about.

This kinda feels like Deja Vu for me (one fic I read with them reading her diary)

If Sweetie tried to drop of the world when her two friends read that secret how is she going to react when Scoot tells the whole class. it will probably be like this :pinkiegasp::fluttercry::flutterrage::raritycry::applecry::pinkiesick:

I like knowing whats going to happen :derpytongue2:

978970
YOUR DEATH SHALL BE QUICK AND PAINFUL!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::ajbemused::ajbemused::pinkiecrazy:

im not evil enough to make it slow

If you kill me None of you will know how it ends.,:derpytongue2: :rainbowlaugh:

Writing part III now, expect it up, eventually. Still not sure how I'm going to carry out these next few parts (Yes I have decided to make it more than 3 parts) But I do know how I'm going to end it, though frankly that ruins the story for me because I know how it ends, its better to be in suspense for the end, then to know how it ends from the start, I envy you readers!

980803 envy is the most common sin

Wait, Scootaloo doesn't have any parents... Oh well. Nice grammar! Ah, I did see a few mistakes, but this is great!

972144 I thought this story deserved a "Rainbow and Derpy Approve" award :)

987312

Parents, guardians, same thing.

Point being, Scootaloo has some pony looking out for her, and that's who grounded her.

No scootaloo is an angle!:scootangel:

Scootaloo... you never learn your lesson do you?

Yes Yes Yes scootaloo do it you can find better freinds humiliate them humiliate them all:scootangel:

1019451
Spoilers:
Your going to love part IV then, well the first part of the 1,600 words anyway.

Very good yes I can feel your anger. Strike them down with your hate, then you can sit next to me.

1019591

Never, I'll never turn to the Shadow Bolts, you failed your highness, I am a Wonder Bolt, Like my father before me.

(I totally just screwed that Star Wars Quote :rainbowlaugh:)

On a side note, I figured out the Reply feature on the comments! :pinkiehappy:

Just thought that was relevant in some way or another.

1019468 (Mr. Burns voice) excellent

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