• Member Since 25th Nov, 2015
  • offline last seen August 22nd

EchoApple


I like making dramatic and dark stories so expect to see a lot of them. Also, I like first POV stories so expect that too.

T

Lets get one thing straight, it was never my intent to get hit by a car and sent to a world of magical talking horses by a rainbow nuke. Sure it saved my life, but still. Why couldn't I have just kept my old form? Sure the night vision, super hearing, wings, and fangs are cool. Hell even this weird red horn dangling from my neck that talks to me is cool. Not that I can actually be separated from it, they already tried that many, many times.

Anyway, my name is Alex and I'm a human trapped in a bat horses body. This is the story of my new life in this 'Equestria' place.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 21 )

”[/i ] the voice mumbled. I looked down at the horn in confusion as it continued,

i think you missed something

Okay. We got our start. Seems promising so far. Nothing really noteworthy aside from, I have't seen a new one in the genre for a while so I'm pretty excited!

Interesting premise so far, it's obvious that you are just starting to write your own story, but I think this could be an interesting story, I hope to see more background about Alex. I am somehow expecting to have an alternate point of view in the story to explain what's actually happening at the moment. We don't see human turned Batpony or Theastral very often and that is interesting. I am guessing you decided to put Sombra's horn on his neck as a misleading guide that will seep to use him to his own ends, not mistake him as an alicorn. I will be keeping an eye on this story.

If you are interested to commission for a cover art, here is my DA if you are interested, home to hear from you very soon.
https://amalgamzaku.deviantart.com

8791300

Hi, I would LOVE cover art but unfortunately I have no money. :unsuresweetie:

PS. I know it sounds stupid but whats a commission?

8791313
A commission is a paid work done for a client, in this case producing a cover art. I understands still if the situation changes, and you are interested give me a PM. good luck on your story.

I mean I can't really understand what their saying so they might not be as scary as I think. They did threaten me with those necklaces of doom more then once though.

... what THEY'RE saying.

Normally I would downvote just for the typo in the description, but I have a weakness for language barrier stories.

This certainly has potential. It started out a bit fast for my liking, but I understand that you wanted to focus less on Alex getting to Equestria and more on what happens upon his arrival in Equestria as a batpony.
And I simply feel awful for his parents. To have their son taken away from them under the worst possible circumstances - I can only imagine what they're feeling right now. I especially feel for his mother - I wonder what she meant by "losing another one?" The possible implications of that make it even more saddening.
As you can tell, I have so many questions right now, so I can't wait to see the next chapter!

She was crying, “It’s alright Alex, it’s alright! Help is coming, just hold on! Oh God, I can’t lose another one,” She ran her fingers through my sandy blonde hair well cradling my head. Damn, know I feel bad! Sure it wasn’t my fault, but still. I hate making my mother cry. Wait, another one? What did she mean another one?

im guessing you meant to say now??

A good start with pertinent descriptions, I will be waiting for the next chapter.

She ran her fingers through my sandy blonde hair well cradling my head.

'blond hair WHILE cradling my head.'

The angle That I was staring out across the field was strange.

'The angle that I was staring out...' No need to capitalize the word 'that'.

I took a deep breath and to my surprise I could no longer feel anymore pain in my chest.

'any more' is two words when used this way.

I sighed in relief and looked at Twilight with thankfulness.

'thankfulness' sounds a little odd. Perhaps try using the word 'appreciation' instead.

I didn’t even have time to mourn the loss of that poor tree when another flew past me. I ran behind a boulder and held my chest well trying to catch my breath.

2 things here: 'another flew past my head...' Another what? Also, 'held my chest WHILE trying to...'

Interesting start, but a few thoughts:
1. Twilight seemed to go from normal to 'kill it now' in a remarkably short period of time. It seems out of character for her. Never once has she displayed intent to kill without a remarkably good reason. Seeing an obviously confused Thestral who hid behind her for protection from Lyra would not be an obvious threat if he cannot speak and took no action against Lyra even when being chased.
2. How did Lyra identify him as a Human? I do not see any reason for it.
3. How did he escape from Pinky? There is NO escaping from Pinkie. (Mostly a joke)

Overall, not a bad start. I have seen much, MUCH worse. I will withhold an Upvote and the Fav for now, but I am looking forward to seeing more.

Final note: those of you whom downvoted my first comment, why? I was blunt but not needlessly offensive.

8797993

Thanks for the help! And also, those magic beams weren't originally supposed to be deadly. This story takes place just after Twilight's coronation so with becoming an alicorn she has a lot more magic then she originally had. She is still relearning to control how much magic she uses on something. As for the human thing, Lyra heard Alex speaking English and you know how crazy she is about humans.

Pinkie, well, shes Pinkie. Who knows whats going on inside her head. Maybe she LET Alex escape.

8805850 How would that work? If she was planning to stun him, the tree would not have been damaged. If she was using a kinetic blast, I could see it, but she would be MUCH more careful after seeing what she did the the poor trees. As for Pinkie... fair enough.

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