...and the Pitch!
It was the next weekend. The week leading up to this had been busy, hectic, full of careful planning and organization, plus some last-minute permits and permission slips. Such was the nature of short-notice fundraisers. In fact, it had been so busy and so productive that Schaden had found little to no occasion to annoy anyone, least of all Sunset Shimmer.
Although that might be due entirely to the fact that he’d banked his entire week’s worth of being a douchecanoe into this one event. Sunset considered that possibility, along with a host of other ‘possibilities’, most of which fell into the ‘accidental death’ category, as she stood on the sidewalk bordering the parking lot in little more than a bikini top and sarong, holding up a great big home-made sign that said “Car Wash”.
“Can I kill him yet?” Lyra groaned, standing next to her. She too, wore a swimsuit, although she’d done for something both more and less conservative: a one-piece athletic swimsuit, which just so happened to be the same color as her skin tone. She’d said when she put it on earlier that she thought it was a ‘good idea at the time.’
Sunset sighed. “No, we still need him. Just wait until after the Formal, and then I’ll tell you all the best hiding places in the school.”
Bon-Bon and Pinkie Pie seemed to have the opposite view of things, although their swimsuits were much less… risque than their friend’s, yet somehow still eye-catching. Pinkie wore a frilly two-piece which, while not accenting her curves, provided enough flouncy fabric to make her very popular. Bon-Bon had no trouble showing off her surprisingly athletic build, wearing a simple monotone bikini that was undoubtedly a department store purchase, though it fit her well. It screamed ‘practicality’, however. They, along with a few other girls from the school who had actually volunteered for the event instead of ‘being’ volunteered by sheer virtue of being on the committee setting up the event, had been washing cars for the last couple of hours.
It might occur to someone that Lyra had waited a few hours into their event to ask whether or not murdering their suspiciously absent Co-Chairman was a good idea. In truth, up until half an hour ago he’d been happily puttering away at the ‘register’, a table with a cash lockbox and a smartphone with a Square. Right now Pixel Pizzazz had taken over, much to the chagrin of the boys who had lined up to have her wash their cars.
Pixel Pizzazz, under all the fancy clothes, accessories, and slightly huffy attitude, had a figure that could conservatively be described as ‘hourglass’ and bordered on ‘adult actress’. Given that she was only sixteen, her twenties were more likely than not going to be the envy of any woman within a twenty block radius. The fact that she was now sitting comfortably behind the register, well out of range of the hoses, sponges, soap, and car windows, caused no end of disappointment to the boy who had done nearly-illegal turns into the parking lot while she had been washing cars. Her choice of bikini, an over-the shoulder piece with a bottom that would have given any respectable mother a series of heart-attacks, was only slightly put to waste behind the table, and Applejack had stopped washing cars and started scouring the lot for boys who thought they could sneak photographs under said table, or of her friends in general.
She’d ended up charging, and was quickly keeping pace with the funds from the car wash itself.
The boy’s disappointment was quickly dissuaded by the presence of more than one Rainboom in their summer best. Fluttershy had been especially popular, even given the fact that her ‘swimswear’ was a diving suit that seemed to have trouble with words like ‘tension’ and ‘chest size’. Perhaps especially so. Rainbow Dash had been put on sign-holding duty, covering the other entrance to the parking lot, as she had a tendency to finish the cars in record speed, which for some odd reason led to a series of complaints from the drivers.
The stripped paint might have had something to do with that. Also the limited amount of time in which they could ogle the teenagers.
Lyra, long since used to the presence of ‘more attractive’ females around her hogging the spotlight, had since sunk into a fake-cheery smile and an inner sense of defeat as she waited for her chance to go home, sleep for twelve hours, do it again tomorrow, and then never, ever again. “How about maiming? Can I maim?”
Sunset considered that thoughtfully. “As much as I want to give you permission to do so, you and I both know Bon-Bon would turn us into striped candy if she found out I’d given you a pass on assault and battery.”
Lyra ‘hmmmf’d and went back to waiving her sign. Besides the public embarrassment, bordering on humiliation, they were making decent money. Sunset’s worries of being able to afford the rental fee had long since been soothed and replaced full force by the mortification churning in her stomach like bad Chinese food. “I will, however, not dissuade you from doing so should an opportunity present itself, and again, I know all the best hiding spots. Just… don’t let Derpy know you did it.”
“Why, does she like, like him or something?” Lyra asked, raising an eyebrow over a sideways glance.
“Remember that crush she had on Time Turner when freshmen year started?” Shimmer asked.
Lyra flinched. “I still can’t open my locker properly.”
“It’s like that, except Schaden seems to like her back. They might actually be dating, I’m not sure. But If she found out you were gunning for Schaden, she’d lay you out like pizza dough.”
Heartstrings thought about that for all of the half-second it took her lizard brain to scream in it’s best inside voice “DO NOT DO THIS THING.” She opened her mouth to say something, only to be startled largely by the loudest car horn they’d ever heard.
Then it appeared. The monster. Around a street corner, the largest road-legal vehicle anyone ever had seen in the history of forever amen end of sentence pulled up to the gas station, and slowly worked it’s way into the line. It was a monster truck that ate monster trucks. Even ones bigger than it. The grill was massive, as if a bulldog had vigorously humped an electric fence until this THING popped into existence by sheer force of will. The doors could double as Titanic set pieces. Jack might have even survived. It had lights on top less optimal for a vehicle and more likely appropriated from the spotlights they use to search for escaped convicts. From the moon. The windows could stop bullets. Missiles. Even an alicorn or two if they were feeling somewhat lazy and the driver hadn’t said anything untoward about their mothers. The flatbed, and of course it had a flatbed, was both longer than the rest of the car and wider than most ‘yo mama’ fat jokes.
The tires. Good GOD, the tires. They looked less like tires and more like the neck of a rather well-trained dragon wearing a collar of vulcanized rubber. The only rock big enough to get stuck between the treds was currently in training to beat Mt. Everest as the tallest mountain. And it was doing well.
The passenger door opened, and out bounced the happiest, silliest, purest blonde girl in the history of cute little airheaded blondes: Derpy Hooves. She radiated a sense of innocence and excitement reserved for puppies and skydivers who hadn’t opened the plane door yet. She, too, was wearing a swimsuit, a more reserved version of what Sunset sported, in a more appropriate color palette for her complexion, and ran up to Sunset with a wide smile. “Hi Sunset! I came to help!”
Sunset cringed with everything in her body except her outer features. While her outside was a stone, her inside was watching childhood home videos in which she was the star and had just found her mother’s makeup. Letting Derpy Hooves ‘help’ was about as good an idea as putting Schaden in charge: it could work, but something was going to break. “That’s… great, Derpy. Who, uh, who drove you?”
Derpy smiled brightly, almost outshining the sun on her hair. “My boyfriend!”
Sunset’s eyes narrowed like freshly sharpened daggers as she turned to glare at the driver’s side window, which was slowly rolling down. “Hey Sunset!” Schaden called out the driver’s window. “I found a car you guys can wash!”
The last time Sunset saw that many middle fingers she’d asked for forgiveness for taking over the school.
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Impressive.
Noted.
... Bulk Biceps?
You know what, that's even funnier.
Oh. You know, I'm not surprised. I'm really not.
Aww...love the Schaden/Derpy ship. So glad to see it here.
So, DerpyXSchaden is a go?
The Schaden/Derpy OTP has been acknowledged!
Okay, my expectations were shattered with this chapter.
I must use this chapter as reference for proper descriptions whenever I try my hand up for comedy or other works. Thank you for your work, as it now has become a reference for me.
Heh. WoG is great.
I feel like I should be surprised. However, this is Schaden we're talking about here.
Yeesh.
Oh wow. I think I’ve died of laughter several times due to this chapter alone.
Not only is that some Serious Compensation, he's literally casting shade on the entire carwash thing.
You know one thing that's EXTREMELY heartwarming in this ship in EQG'verse? Dinky, when she's born, will never grow without a father. That makes their relationship that much more cuter
That must be one of the best descriptions of Best Pony
This is my favourite chapter so far because Shaden hooking up with Derpy is just the greatest.
I like the Schaden and Derpy pairing since it showed up originally, but this chapter fell flat for me. Every description is turned up to 11, so much so that they stop standing out or being absurd and just become routine. It feels drawn out, like padding an essay for word count. If you've ever seen that video of people treating movie stunts as part of their working day, jumping through windows and glass and crashing cars to calmly enter the office building, this chapter felt like that, but I don't think it was intentional.
Totally awesome, but also hilariously terrible ending <3
It's bad I believed that it was Schaden's father's truck and that Schaden would be driving up behind him in a similar truck. I'm glad it wasn't. So very glad.
You know what they say about guys who need huge cars... compensating.
I was starting to fear that you had changed Shaden. That the character from the first stories was lost. Boy was I wrong...
Everything about this chapter is great.
8885230
Otherwise that's rather hypocritical.
Only if by the same token you know what they say about women who sell their bodies for money...whores.
8886326
It's probably the perspective. Believe me, it's much easier to believe when he's steering the ship.
8885230
Except it’s Schaden, He probably got this truck just to be annoying to other drivers while still not breaking the law.
8886381 No, it quite different. It's a trope that assumes men who buy huge cars are compensating for diminutive genitalia. People selling themselves for money is ENTIRELY a different concept.
8887244
Except that you're assuming Schaden bought that truck, or even owns it. Presumably something like that would be hard to miss around town or at school, so we can infer by the reactions that it isn't known to be associated with Schaden. That means that a teenager went and bought a several hundred thousand dollar car, at minimum, in order for the trope to work, or more likely he found it somewhere and asked the owner to borrow it to get it washed.
What actually did happen in the story was the girls selling their bodies for money; see Applejack. The only reason I'm pointing it out is the hypocrisy of what you said just rankled a bit. Carry on.
8887969
8887244
You two are LITERALLY arguing about Shadenfreude's motives for driving a huge-a$$ monster truck down the road.
What a useful and efficient way to use one's time
But seriously, it's Shadenfreude, don't overthink it. His biggest motivation is to live life in the most annoying way possible.
It's more fun to just sit back and watch the fireworks than to muddy the issue with arguments.
WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS SCHOOL SO STUPIDLY ATTRACTIVE
I sense a Noodle Incident.
Ouch, yeah. The car wash.
Of course he'd get a monster truck. I don't know the exact reason, but I can tell that having an extra AND very large/awkward vehicle would make them unhappy. Especially if it means any of:
Hourglass Figure
Beaughty concept most often mentioned pre Twiggy.
Requires top & bottom figures to match + a minimum of 10" between bust & waist.
36-26-36 is most cliche figure but many others are of course possible.
8961370
I thought it was Derpy's truck & her boyfriend was just driving it?