Get Behind My Behind

Flank Whisperer
B_25

Pinkie is like Santa Clause, only with less cocaine but just as jubilant.

There's no real way to properly tell this story. In fact, logic would demand that this story never happened, but as anypony who's lived in Ponyville long enough can tell you, logic cries under the bed while Pinkie breaks down the door while revving a chainsaw and making an outdated joke that is somehow still relevant.

I can only tell this story exactly how it happened. As is with most problems in life, it began with Twilight Sparkle.

“What do you mean you're an embodiment of justice?”

“I just am, silly.” Pinkie sat behind the desk, or more specifically, the lavender alicorn (ha) sitting on the chair before the desk. “I'm like a potato, or god, depending on your perspective. I didn't ask to be this way, only that I always was.”

Twilight stopped writing. “Pinkie, do you even know what justice is?”

“Hammer and wood?”

“I mean the concept.” Twilight dropped the quill in her magic, staring down at the page. “What is just and right or what is wicked and wrong. How truth is found and punishment is distributed.” She looked up. “Just what kind of pony should hold such power over their own kind?”

“That would be alicorns!” Pinkie beamed behind the chair, clopping her hooves together (don't think dirty ya creep). “They have power over us cuz they have wings and horns and something about immortality. Celestia said she's always had that power over us, and since none of us were there, we have to take her word for it!”

Twilight blinked. “Pinkie, it doesn't quite work like that.”

“It doesn't?”

Twilight thought about it for the moment, drew a conclusion that she didn't like, and whenever something like that happened, ponies changed the subject. “Doesn't matter. What makes you think you're an embodiment of justice?”

“You know how ponies put their hooves on that one book Celestia wrote and swear to tell the truth—“

“Celestia didn't write the bible, Pinkie.”

“—and nothing but the truth?” Pinkie waved her hoof about in the air. “That's like, an embodiment of justice or whatever because it stops ponies from lying, and the truth is needed in justice, or justice can't be justice, right?”

“Essentially.” Twilight turned in her wooden chair, a hassle and a half because she actually had to move her body—the price of being to cheap to seat with nice wheels. “But we're not dropping the whole thing with Celestia and the bible.”

“So like, ponies are still able to lie after swearing, right?” Pinkie continued, too lost in her head to notice that Twilight had turned around to stare at her. “So that's an item of justice that is rather faulty if you ask me. But me? I am justice!”

“What? No... what?” Twilight shook the head at the illogical—it rarely resolved anything, but it made her better about herself. “Pinkie, what are you going on about?”

“It's super important that you don't tell anypony else about this, okay?” Pinkie put her forehooves on Twilight's shoulders, who half-hardheartedly tried to shake them off. She then stared deeply into her eyes. “I want you to promise me, Twilight. Promise me!”

“Alright!” Twilight shouted. “I promise not to say a word! Now can you start making sense already?”

Instead of doing that, Pinkie's gaze traveled downward. Twilight followed, and found herself staring at her own purple flanks.

“Just what do you think you're doing!” Twilight shouted once more and actually pushed Pinkie off her, but that didn't stop the latter from staring at her rump. “W-Will you give it a rest already?”

Pinkie didn't get it a rest. “I need you to promise me again.”

“I just—“ Twilight covered her butt with her hooves “—will you stop that!”

“I can't, Twilight.” Pinkie shook her head slowly as her lip quivered. “It's a part of what I have to tell you, but I can't tell you unless you swear again... and move your hooves.”

“Pinkie I swear that—“

“Wrong oath.”

Twilight breathed. Realized no rationale could save her from the absurd. And decided to go with the flow of things, which moving her hooves so her best friend could stare at her butt. “Fine. I promise not to breathe a word of whatever Pinkie tells me to anypony else.”

She looked down to see Pinkie closely inspecting her rump. “We good?”

A moment, then...

“Yup!” Pinkie sat back down, looking back into Twilight's eyes. “So I can tell if ponies are lying or not if I stare at their flank enough, and since truth is also justice, that also makes me part justice. But I like being called a party girl more.”

Twilight blinked.

Pinkie blinked.

Silence.

“I hate Celestia.”

Pinkie glanced at Twilight's flank. “Lie.”

“I prefer sandwiches over ice-cream.”

“Truth.”

“Luna is a better princess than Celestia.”

“Only because there's no moral ambiguity about you someday sleeping with her.”

Twilight blinked. “I thought you said you could only tell when a pony's lying?”

“That's usually the case,” Pinkie replied, “but your cheeks help lead me to the truth. Ain't that a strange one?”

Twilight took the time to think, which in hindsight, was never a good idea around Pinkie. “So you can know if somepony is lying? Is that part of your Pinkie sense or...”

“Not exactly.” Pinkie rubbed her chin and aimed an eye upward. “More like something I've always had but only recently discovered, ya dig?”

“Discovered?”

“Mmhmm!”

“And just how did you—“

“By starting at butts.”

“—don't even know why I asked.” Twilight got off from the chair, accepting that no more work would be done on a day such as today. She sat before Pinkie, making sure to cover her own flank with he tail just to be safe. “So what? You just look at a flank, somepony says something, and a voice inside your head tells you if they're lying or telling the truth?”

“The voices in my head have nothing to do with it, Twilight,” Pinkie said. “I just know, y'know? Like when you're super sure about something even though you know nothing but still feel as sure? It's like that, only when I look at your rump.” She stretched her neck to the left. “Mind moving your tail?”

“Not if you're telling the truth.” Twilight stole a glance at the pink rump across from her—bubbly and dotted with balloons. Her gaze lingered, but it was okay, since her 'studying' was in the name of science. “Are you telling the truth?”

Pinkie nodded.

“No. I need you to say it.”

“I am telling the truth.”

Silence.

“Okay then.” Twilight looked up Pinkie. “So this power hasn't been given to anyone else randomly and is exclusive to you, so that's a good thing.” She blinked. “Wait, is that a good thing?”

“I'm helping with justice and what-not, so probably!” Pinkie stood up from the ground and went to turn around. “Just wanted to get your seal approval as Prissiness of Equestria before I did anything rash. Bye-bye!”

Pinkie jumped out the window.

And Twilight had to make a choice.

She looked at her desk.

“Work.”

She looked out the window.

“Prevent a catastrophe.”

She squinted her eyes at the desk.

“Pleasure.”

She squinted harder at the window.

“Work.”

Twilight sighed. She didn't have a choice to begin with—such was the curse of being good-natured.

She too jumped out a window.

The streets of Ponyville were crowded with, well, ponies. The skies above were clear and blue, the air hot but the breeze cool, but most importantly of all, in a park just off from the streets, a lavender alicorn (Twilight's name in the archaic language of equinretardation) and a pink earth pony (normal English) sat together on a bench.

“So when exactly did you contract this power?”

“Birth presumably,” Pinkie replied. She was looking through a pair of binoculars. “But there were the few cotton candy cones that made my tummy feel funny afterward.” She leaned forward. “Woo! Pants on fire, pants on fire!”

“Where!” Twilight's hoof swiped the binoculars, which startled Pinkie and made her frown, pressing them to her eyes. In the distance, past the playground to the green open field, there was indeed, a pair of black pants currently on fire. “What the hay.” Twilight lowered the binoculars and glared at Pinkie. “You lied!”

“Nu-huh!”

“Huh-uh!” Twilight shoved the binoculars back into Pinkie's hooves. “You made it sound like somepony was lying.”

“But I didn't say somepony was lying,” Pinkie said. She looked back to the field. “Only that pants were on fire.” A beat. “Somepony should probably put those out. There are colts and fillies nearby.”

“They'll be fine as long as they don't touch it,” Twilight replied, igniting her horn as her aurora surrounded the nearby sandbox, lifting a huge clump into the air and floating it over to the pants, ceasing her magic and putting out the fire. “Now if you could tell us why we're—“

“Oh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I got one. I got one!”

Twilight followed her friend's gaze to the other side of the playground, where sitting on a bench, was a stallion and a mare. They were making up.

“Talk about inappropriate,” Twilight muttered to herself. She then glanced over at Pinkie. “So? What's so special about those two?”

“First of all, check out that flank!” Pinkie pressed the binoculars to her friend's eyes, never breaking her own gaze with the distant butt. “A cutie with a booty, that's for sure. It's like she's sitting on balloons! Look how it jiggles every time she—“

“T-That's more than enough!” Twilight said with her throat looking dry, pulling away from the binoculars. She looked to the kids on the playground, too far away to hear them—thank Celestia.

“Never a problem, my faithful student.” Twilight turned her torso and looked behind the bench, where in a distant pond, Celestia was drifting along the water like some sort of swain. “Now if you will excuse me, I have other matters to attend to.”

Twilight blinked.

Celestia was gone.

“So,” Twilight said slowly, turning back around. “You found a couple making out. Congratulations. So how does that have any bearing on your supposed power, or the fact that you're somehow an embodiment of justice?”

“Because she's faking it!” Pinkie proclaimed. “They were making out super hard, but she's not into it at all! Look more closely at her butt!”

“Pinkie I really don't—“

“Just do it!”

Twilight did it.

She wasn't particularly happy with herself, but she didn't mind the sight. “Okay, so I see him... grabbing her butt. Repeatedly.”

“It's more than that, Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed as she shuddered in her seat. “Look at how honest his moments are! The way his hooves rub along her lower back, kneading her ass—“

“Keep it PG-13, Pinks.”

“—and claiming the treasure the downstairs all for himself. His eyes closed super-tight, moans louder than the children—“

“Pinkie, please.”

“—shows he's letting his crazy side out! He wants to claim every inch of her body, and to be honest, who wouldn't? He's not hiding his desires.” Pinkie exhaled sharply through her lips. “But for the mare herself?” She sucked her teeth and shook her head. “She's lying all right. To both him and herself.”

“Now you're just pulling stuff out of your butt!” Twilight said before quickly blinking. “Uh, no offense, of course.”

“None taken!” Pinkie turned, reached down her hooves, and hugged her pink rump. “I like my butt. It's big and squishy, and jumps a lot when I run.”

Twilight had her mouth open, but she did not speak.

“But look at her!” Pinkie said while shooting her hooves in the direction of the couple. Twilight gaze didn't move for a few moments, and with great hesitation, she looked away from Pinkie's backside. “Her coltfriend is the strongest stallion since Sesame Street and her hooves aren't exploring those pecs at all!”

Twilight cocked her head. “Maybe. But what about her hooves? They're holding his back.”

“Yeah, so she doesn't fall.” Pinkie pressed a hoof against her chin. “Why isn't she exploring the glutes he's worked so hard to obtain? Or running a hoof through those silky black locks? I don't even swing that way, and my shop is open from now until midnight.”

“Wait. You're not straight?”

“Depends on the day of the week.” Pinkie stood up from the bench. “Now then, to deal with the liar.” She walked off with a grumpy Twilight soon following.

The fillies and the colts played happily in the background.

“Hmmhmm!” Pinkie cleared her throat upon reaching the bench of the lovers. The sound broke the two out of their ministration, both looking up to the strangers present.

“Can we, uh,” the stallion began, pulling his hooves back from his mare and sitting up properly, “help you with something?”

“I'd like to ask you a few questions.”

Twilight facehoofed.

“We do something wrong?” the stallion asked.

“I'll be asking the questions here!” Pinkie said. She tilted her head forward and stared at his white butt. “What's your name?”

“Golden Shoot.”

“Nope!”

“Nope?” The stallion shook his head. “What do you mean, 'nope'? That's my name!”

“No, it's not,” Pinkie said, pointing down. “Your butt tells me that you're lying.”

“Why the hell are you—“

Twilight stepped forward with her wings open. “Princess Twilight Sparkle here, please answer my friend's question. It'll end better for everyone if you just go along with it.” She folded her wings, and after a moment of silence, sighed. “Please? You're not in trouble.”

“...Flare.” The stallion looked back to Pinkie. “Golden Flare. Now, are you happy?”

“Only on the outside,” Pinkie said. “But your rump checks out the story. Tell me, do you love your marefriend?”

“Of course I do!”

“For more than her body?”

“Of course I—“

“Lie!”

“L-Lie?” The stallion shook his head and pressed a hoof against his chest—mock offense, the best defense to truth itself. “I would never! I love my sweetheart for her—“

“Booty, I already know.” Pinkie glanced up into his eyes. “Your butt already told me the truth. Why are you lying for?”

“How dare you accuse me of lying about the mare I am to marry!” The second greatest defenses against such accusations—raise the stakes of your relationships to an all-time high and shame anyone who questions the legitimacy of it. “From the moment I heard her angelic voice, I knew she was the one to whisk my heart away to the clouds above. Truly, the soul of her character trumps the beauty of her body.”

The marefriend raised her eyebrows.

Twilight glanced at Pinkie's butt, before looking to her eyes.

Pinkie pressed her face against the rump of the stallion, who squealed (or so the subsequent report says) at the contact, but made no attempts to push the perpetrator away (also included in the file for divorce).

Twilight watched this happen but didn't do anything about it. In her chest, rage boiled at the sight, but she was unsure why. Pinkie so close and intimate with a stallion was any other Friday in town, but yet, it felt like she was somehow cheating on her.

“Are you...” Twilight turned to see the mare talking to her. “...going to do anything about this. Y'know, as a princess?”

“Of course I am,” Twilight said, the looked the other way.

A few moments passed.

“Yup!” Pinkie exclaimed, pulling her head back and standing up. “Everything you just said was a total lie.” She tilted her head though. “Why lie though?”

“I'm not lying though!”

“Hello, princess again.” Twilight stepped forward and earned everyone's gaze. “Element of magic and all that other snazzy. My friend here possess a power that I don't even understand, but she has it nonetheless. Even if I don't want to believe it.”

“So what do you think of your marefriend then?” Pinkie asked.

The stallion hesitated. “Well... I love her.”

“Wrong.”

“I want to be with her.”

“True. But you're avoiding the question.”

“It's just she's no nice and—“

“You just like sex, don't you?”

The stallion blinked. “What?”

“Sex. It feels good. You like it.”

The stallion was silent.

“You're a good-looking stallion, and good looking stallions attract good looking mares,” Pinkie said, sitting on the grass and shrugging her shoulders. “Nothing wrong with that.” She raised her hooves. “But having only one mare when you clearly want more? Now you have a teeny-weeny bit of an issue.”

“More mares!” The stallion shook his head. “I am content with the one I have—don't you dare look at my butt!”

“Too late. Already done.” Pinkie tilted her head toward Twilight. “We didn't even need to stare at your flank—we saw everything we needed earlier when you were trying to merge bodies with her. Quite desperately too, since this is a place meant for kids.” She blinked. “Not the making of them but the—“

“Pinkie, the rating, please.”

“You wanted more while she was wanting less,” Pinkie continued with her point, much to the joy of the nearby police unit. “Even if your marefriend was into you as much as you are into, well, mares, there isn't enough of her to state your desire.”

Twilight blinked at Pinkie's sudden lexicon.

“But you keep lying to yourself about your desires,” Pinkie said in a low voice. “It's like you're ashamed of how you really feel, so you've hidden them away, and believed this like that one mare is all you need.”

“One mare is all that I need!”

Pinkie didn't even have to glance downward.

Or say anything for that matter.

“That's a lie,” the stallion said, to everyone else, and most importantly, himself. “I found a mare that drove my thoughts wild at night and went to claim her for my own—my own 10/10 to keep me satisfied for the rest of my life.” He turned his head, looking deeply into the eyes of his lover. “You are amazing, like, every part of your body is perfection. But, for whatever reason, it just isn't enough...”

“And there's nothing wrong with that.” Pinkie stood up, and then, very on the nose, said: “You should be honest with your feelings and desires and live according to them, or else you risk hurting yourself and the ponies around you.”

Golden dropped his head. “I'm sorry I didn't confront this earlier.”

“I wouldn't worry too much about it,” Pinkie said, before glancing over at the mare's rump. “You're not the only one that's been hiding something.”

“Me?” the mare said. “What could I have been hiding other than my rage at Mr. player over here?”

Pinkie stared at her butt. “That you never felt anything for him to begin with, which caused you guilt because you felt like you should be feeling something for him.” Pinkie then turned around, wiggling her ample posterior. “Truth is, you like mares.”

“N-No, I don't.”

“Y-Yes,” Pinkie mocked, “you do.” She pressed her butt further out. “Feel this.”

“I'm not touching your butt.”

“You know you want to.”

“I'm not going to do it.”

“Oh, you totally are.”

Pinkie, of course, was right. After a few moments and careful exchange of glances, the mare couldn't help herself and threw herself at the booty, kneading it with her hooves and pressing her face ago, showing the same ministration to Pinkie that her ex-coltfriend showed to her moments prior.

Then Twilight punched the mare across the face, sending her flying from the pink bottom.

“T-Twilight?” Pinkie said, before feeling a pair of hooves seize her behind. “What are you...”

“You're mine, Pinkie.” Twilight pressed her face to the cheeks and hugged the pink hindlegs. “I don't want any other mare touching other than myself. I don't know why I suddenly feel this way, but I do, and now I want you for myself.”

“I'm not sure I—“

“Pinkie, will you be my marefriend?”

The pink mare checked out the lavender rump to see, indeed, her friend wasn't lying. With a shrug of her shoulders, she said:

“Sure.”

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B_25

B_25 #1 · Mar 1st, 2018 · 3 · ·

When life gets rough. When Writer's block strikes. When ideas are drained.

Take to crack!fics.

Or at least I do. Not sure what this is, but maybe it'll get a chuckle or a giggle out of you dear readers.
~ B_25

geb

geb #2 · Mar 1st, 2018 · · ·

You got a laugh out of me in the first sentence. It’s good.

Daemon McRae

Daemon McRae #3 · Mar 1st, 2018 · 1 · ·

Stupid. Nonsensical. No proper conclusion. Did I mention how much I liked it?

OmniFox

OmniFox #4 · Mar 1st, 2018 · · ·

If Pinkie can tell truth or lies by looking at flanks, how can Maud tell truth or lies by?

BetaHammer

BetaHammer #5 · Mar 1st, 2018 · 3 · ·

Where’d you find the cocaine to write this and may I have some?

Philosophysics

Philosophysics #6 · Mar 1st, 2018 · 1 · ·

8766689
Twilight should have kneaded the mare's butt. Then Pinkie Twilight's. So it would be a safe zone for consensual butt kneading.

Then the stallion could have stared in longing before admitting to himself that the Pink was forever right and then go to Berry's to join in on her daily drunken orgies.

Clean Karma