tailsopony
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This is one of the things I worked on while I had writers block. It's set up so that it could keep going, but I don't think I will. It deserves to die here, before I do anything else silly with it. But of course, I'm gonna go post it on things and get people to read it. I'm sick like that.
13,000 words?
i3.photobucket.com/albums/y88/xxAgainstTheRest/ONTD/omggggggg.gif
Also, I am assuming that the story image is Cadence.
Even with the OOC, I actually quite enjoyed this. Rarity being Rarity, she demands perfection in whatever she does-and perfection is sadly unattainable in the real world, even in idyllic Equestria. It would make sense, then, that she would want to be the domineering and controlling one, to gain that perfection during sexual encounters in which she has total control over everything.
It also makes sense that Twilight, the most pulled together, studious, and very responsible member of the Mane 6, would want the ability to say 'oh, buck it' and release her self-control. To want to be told what to do, where to go, and to suffer immediate and obvious consequences for obeying or not obeying.
In short, there were maybe two or three minor spelling errors and I think one misplaced comma, but I'm lazy and didn't reread to find them. Sorry.
I enjoyed this, but my inner Sparity is kicking me in the gut due to the lack of more Sparity, and there are some areas where I had hoped Spike would put his foot down, but again, I'm just a sucker for love over lust. Still enjoyable.
"You can't just do things and run around screaming 'SCIENCE!'"
.....................................................................
emotibot.net/pix/278.jpg
Please I need to ask before the story starts there's no netorare is there.
Yet again you have hit the fetish nail on the head for me.
Well done.
Only one problem.
HOW DARE RARITY STEAL LUNA'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT?!!
Even unknowingly taking it is unacceptable!
I demand retribution in the name of the night goddess!
962184
I'm not sure if that gif is a good thing or a bad thing. And no, the image is Twilight, Rarity, and Spike in that order. I just have a unique sense of spatial relations. As in I can't draw worth beans. I still kind of liked these scribbles though. I find them oddly aesthetically pleasing. Kind of like my other pictures. I'm just weird like that. This one has a perky Twilight on the bottom, mopey Rarity lording over them, and a flattened Spike squished against her.
962190
Thanks for the comment! I was kind of going for that, but I'm lazy as a writer I guess. I need to figure out how to fit more into less. That's my big problem right now. Not everyone want's to dig through 13k words of weird fetishy stuff just to get to some clop.
962312
I wanted to spend more time with the Sparity, but I didn't. I could have spent more time having Rarity convince spike that he was interacting with an extension if herself, that this was how she was going to express her love for him. Spike is in a weird position, and I could have done so many things with why and how, instead I was just kinda like "Your gonna do this shit..." "I don't wanna!" "Tough luck" "okay...". Such a waste on my part.
962571
I was thinking of something similar. Maybe not exactly the same thing, but the same general idea.
963398
I sent you a PM. Yay!
963548
Yeah. I had like a really long scenario for how that last bit played out in my head. Instead I went with the easy one liner. It seemed to have slightly more impact.
963592 Ehn, it's fine. It definitely earns the Sad and Dark tag.
963592
Your post-modern style of art surpasses Picasso.
On an unrelated note, I saw this submission on /r/clopclop and upvoted it.
I upvoted it so hard.
963592
I found that picture to be too good! X3
rarity i'm going to kill you. you stole luna's twilight celestia damn it all. but yes i agree with the others that twi has more self control than that and also she would probably stop rarity on the words twilight would not allow herself to be used like that. anyway sorry about griping
cheers
Interesting, interesting. Unfortunately, also complete. Darnit.
Oh well, it was a fun ride while it lasted...
963592
Yeah the one liner works really well.
One sentence.
So many implications.
On a side note:
Maybe after you've completed your other stuff you could do more along this arc. I'd be fascinated to see Rarity's tactics.
I mean Twi and Flutters were easy as piss! They're natural subs.
However Dash and AJ'd be a mission to dominate...
Rainbow's up to her ears in pride as well as being protective and aggressive. I doubt she'd be able to tolerate let alone accept what Rarity's doing unless Flutters whipped out the Stare.
Only thing I can think of to get to her is her competitiveness but that'd be a long shot...
But if this AU's Dash is similar to Competent Villian's then I guess she'd have the same downfall.
Applejack...
Aj's almost a whole different ball game...
She's competitive and stubborn, same as Dash but she's level headed, lives by strong morals, has roots deeper than Yggdrasil's and only ever lashes out to end something quick and decisive-like.
The only way to get to her is through her friends and family.
Now unlike Chrysalis in Competent Villians Rarity doesn't have a kinetic dampener that could stop a train and a strong exoskeleton so I doubt she'd survive the aftermath of threatening AJ's kin and what she's done to Twi and Shy would be more than reason enough to put the fashionista on the farmpony's hate list.
On top of that AJ's anything but submissive.
I'd also be interested to see Luna and Celestia's reactions (if any... They do have a reputation for sitting on their royal flanks while shit goes down.) Especially Luna's. I doubt she'd like having her two thousand one hundred and seventh birthday present taken away.
for some unknown reason within my very being i do not like this story and i don't know why that being said i need t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR6imWyHpu0RpvDHtbelyh30W1PsPHP_YxxDgdjvKbGKX36XWw8
That ending *grabs hammer and nails* you freaking nailed it.
963621
It might be fine, but it could be better...
963745
Thanks! Somebody upvoted me besides you as well, so I got two upvotes! Yay!
963752
Thanks!
964162
Don't worry about commenting or complaining. It's all good and you're not going to offend me. I did wish I could read your comments better... Maybe try and add some punctuation? But ultimately I'm just happy to have comments. Thanks for taking the time to express your thoughts! As far as if Twilight would allow that, she kind of wanted it and didn't want it... so it was more of a "I'm not sure what to do, Rarity seems to be in control of the situation and I trust her, so I'll follow her lead." thing, at least in this story. Once Rarity got her moving, it was difficult for Twilight to stop. But that's part of why I consider this OOC. I don't think Twilight would really do that as well. I don't like writing them OOC, but I want to use them for weird things... wat do?
966635
Glad you liked it. I have another scenario for it, but I don't really want to go there yet. We'll See how my other story gets along first, and then maybe.
967473 /967657
Thanks! I really didn't convey everything I wanted to with it, but it got enough across without the exposition. I wanted to go into detail about how she had been secretly and gently warping Twilight for years in the hope that after Twilight rescued Luna she could be with her as some kind of companion. Or how if Twilight failed, she would faithfully serve Nightmare Moon, bringing her tortured sister some kind of contentment.
As far as how it might play out with the others, I wouldn't want to write any scene I've already written before unless I thought I could do it better. So it wouldn't quite play out like that. I did have a plan for RD and AJ, RD's is actually pretty well actualized, but not in very decent story form. As far as Celestia and Luna, I wasn't really sure what to do.They're kinda gonna get a scene or two in my other story, so I wouldn't wanna do anything with them until I finish that. But ultimately, I want to not really think about this one much for a while and focus on the other thing.
968075
I completely understand not liking it. There are many reasons to not like it, most of which are spelled out clearly here or at http://clopfic.heroku.com/fics/1287 . I actually got a couple of really good reviews there. I was surprised.
970497
Thanks! I could have done a better job though, there was so much to do. Are you talking about the Celestia scene, or the Twilight one?
972007 true that anyway i think i know where your coming from. anyway i think it was a great story, just i really disliked that it was twi that got dominated. i woulda really liked the alternate where twi got taken by luna instead.
but oh well not my choice so till you update CV cheers.
972007 ending and the story. It was well written and that ending made me laugh for a while. Hope to see more stories from you
Y'know what? I won't lie. I loved this. You write about the most...interesting kinks and I can appreciate that..like really. Ahem. In the beginning, I kinda figured it would have something to do with Dom/Sub business' but I didn't expect Rarity to be that much if a sadist. Even getting Spike in on it? Oooh girl, that's just cruel.
An interesting clopfic with..very kinky and interesting build-up. I do wonder though..how do you come up with the inspiration? Is it like a random thing? Just wondering, since whatever you're doing is great with me.
Oh and gimme them art skills you have. I'm so jelly.
This is the first fic I've read that had Rarity as the corrupting dom, and I actually liked it. I would like to see a continuation of this with the other 4 and one of Fluttershy.
972007
Fair enough.
Have my love and admiration (platonic unless anyone says otherwise) and know that I eagerly await future works.
The OOC factor went in one ear and out the other. I know a fantasy indulgence when I see one.
I was worried toward the end that Rarity would hurt Twilight by making her hurt Spike by bringing him impossibly close to an amazing fantasy he hadn't even conceived of yet, then yanking it away from him, denying him everything they'd just promised, breaking his heart, and sending him off. Glad that wasn't the case (some bronies can be pretty careless when handling Spike's character), but I'm not sure I liked the aftermath with Spike being mean and abusive. It's far more preferable to see beautiful mares making him their bitch.
That last line, though ... oh, man, that made me laugh.
I won't assume you take requests, but if you ever feel inclined to, it'd be cool to see a fanfic similar to this one in which Trixie dominates Spike. That's a ship I'd love to see more of.
That was worth the read just for the last line alone.
972057
I'm sure I'll get around to something like that eventually. Maybe.
972312
Sweet! Thanks!
974397
Thanks! I love hearing that people actually like the crap I spew out. It makes me feel accomplished in some small way. And usually it's a by product of something else, either a fantasy I imagine going farther than safe or fallout from some other aspect of my life and times. I'm pretty much just writing things that aren't exactly possible for real life. I sort of have a problem with that. It's like the little things I enjoy about a particular fetish taken further than I'd ever actually go or want it to go. I've never had anyone "jelly" of my art skills before. Odd.
974594
Let me get back to you on that. It's not off the board, but it's not exactly on the board right now either.
974935
Sweet! Thanks!
975415
I might do that. It'd make a better one shot, and someone challanged me to write a short fast thing. I'll see what I can do, but no promises. If I do do it, (I said doo-doo) then it will be written differently. Hopefully.
980160
Glad I didn't blow it. Thanks!
-------------------------
Of note:
I made some minor grammatical changes, switched out a few words, took advice/criticism and applied it from clopfic.heroku, and overall made the story slightly worse by giving more thought to Spikes section on. There's no big changes, just some minor style changes and a slightly crueler Rarity and slightly more messed up Twilight. I probably should have left it alone. It's not worth re-reading, the story gained 1.2k words over about 30 minutes of editing, but if you are interested, just start reading at the beginning of Spikes session. I'm gonna go back to focusing on that re-write of chapter one for the other thing I do sometimes.
988287
Ah I see what you changed, or added, really....
Anywho I like it, makes Rarity seem all the more... Dangerous...
Good on you.
989075
I lol'ed at your comment. I'm going to assume that means you didn't like the adjustments. Please just say that! I will not be offended! I like hearing things like that.
Edit: I just remembered that Australians sometimes use that expression non sarcastically. Maybe you are Australian... As far as I know, the rest of the world says that in a "that's... just... nice?" way to insinuate that they don't approve, but aren't gonna exactly say that. Feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken.
988287 your welcome. As pinkie would say, i like to see people "smile, smile, smile"
989357
*Recoils dramatically*
AUSTRALIAN??
I am no Australian!
I... I am from the land of the long white cloud! The land of birds and fish! The home of the mighty Taniwha! The homeland of the Maori and their fantastic culture!! Aoteroa! New Zealand!!
Harumph.
Australian. The gall!
*shudder*
Anywho that little bit of racism out of the way...
Lets move onto a lecture on my linquistic quirks.
I always use "..." to emphasise a pause in speech, either for dramatic effect or because I'm searching for the right word.
I write how I talk see?
At least how I'd talk if I didn't trip over my own tongue every three words.
What I was doing there was a search for the right word and a pause for effect.
If it'd been a pained pause it would have looked like this:
Its... Um... Nice?
But...
(Insert criticism.)
"It makes Rarity seem more... Dangerous."
Was more of a pause for affect.
And...
"I see what you changed, or added, actually..."
Was a pause for thought.
I actually did enjoy the additions, it cements the fact that Rarity will make Twilight utterly hers.
And beyond divine intervention and shit tonne of memory alteration she will succeed.
On another note:
HOW WILL CHRYSALIS BREAK RARITY??
She's so passive aggressive it'll be nigh on impossible!!
I VANT KNOOOW!!
Please tell me its coming soon!
989754
I actually met a kiwi last time I was in Australia. Sadly, I've never made it to New Zealand. He was pretty awesome. We went to a jazz bar and watched a Canadian "bro" try to get free drinks off of everybody. Silly Canadians. I am deeply Sorry about the mixup, and I can understand your frustration. I'm gonna go to New Zealand next time I get a chance to travel. I'm a bit outdoorsy when I get the opportunity, and I've heard some amazing things about the place.
As far as the Maori, they have a mixed bag of culture. They're what spawned a lot of the cannibal stories sailors used to tell, and they aren't completely inaccurate. The most I remember about them, I read in some book called "Collapse" by Jared Diamond. It was an awesome book about failed societies, but the Maori came up in it in a fairly distressing way. A small sect of about 2000 of them settled an island and took up a culture of steadfast pacifism. They were called Moriori. They lived this way for over 300 years. Then a chunk of different Maori found them, and killed and ate all of them. In like, the 19th century. It was an interesting tale, but forever scarred my brain about the natives...
Honestly it was the "Good on you" bit that gave me the impression. You could have typed anything positive at all, and if you ended it with "Good on you" and I didn't realize you were a "*Kiwi" I would have taken it as a dislike.
As far as how Chrysalis is going to break Rarity, she's not if I never finish writing it. I keep getting distracted... Although, I will say this story started as an abandoned story arc from her chapter where the names have been changed to protect the identities of the innocent. It just did not fit in any way with what was happening in the grand scheme. Oddly, Rarity was playing the same character with a very different motivation. This has been changed, so I don't consider it a spoiler.
*Some of this was written in humor. The rest is about Maori... I'm sure they're swell fellows nowadays. But still...
988287 Read the changes. I liked them.
989892
If you're outdoorsy boy oh boy is New Zealand for you!
But I'm sure you've heard it all.
I've heard about the Moriori and the theories surrounding them and I'm not sure what to think...
However I find it very hard to believe.
The cannabalism part at least.
Food was pretty plentiful back before the british came, fish and birds everywhere and they could grow root vegetables pretty easily.
Disputes over land were almost always to do with honour (Mana) and heritage and most disputes were settled through shows of force and war dances (Haka) more than actual violence.
Life is sacred in Maori culture and unless there was a really good reason they wouldn't kill someone else...
However the really good reason is usually something to do with mana.
Even then they'd probably deal with it in words rather than with violence banishing them instead of killing them.
A disgruntled iwi booting another off of some land I can see happening.
Them cannabalising them?
Nah, can't see it.
The Aztecs?
Yeah they did stuff like that.
The Maori?
Nope.
But what do I know?
I'm just a local.
Still I hope your brain gives you a break so you can make MOAR.
Okay, imma blonde so dont yell at me, but i'm confused. What was Luna's present?
991110
The line, coupled with Celestia's thoughts, gives an image of what really was happening to Twilight. It's stated that she spent years "protecting her precious student" and exposed her to exactly what she needed to be exposed to. Celestia also states that Twilight's activities change something important.
What is implied without actually being stated is what Celestia was doing to Twilight. She has been slowly warping her over the years to be the freak that she is today, but had been very careful to not let her discover her sexual side. It's not stated how Celestia warped her, Celestia could be an amazing social manipulator or perhaps it took several spells over the course of Twilight's life. All we know is that it took most of Twilight's life to accomplish.
Even Luna's statement about "what could be so world shattering..." gives a weird insight into Celestia. She only truly cares about one thing, Luna. The important thing that Twilight's actions changed was Celestia's gift to Luna. The only thing that had been "unwrapped" during the course of the story was Twilight.
The whole story hinges on ponies treating Twilight like an object. Celestia was going to use her as a mere gift to Luna, a sexually ignorant completely obedient slave. Twilight's desire and drive to obey (which is oddly canon. She freaks out when she thinks she's disobeying Celestia in the show...) coupled with her gifted intellect would make her the perfect sexual servant or slave.
If Twilight and the rest of the elements had failed to subdue Nightmare Moon in her first mission, then Twilight would still have had her blinding obedient streak. Twilight would have ended up quietly serving Nightmare Moon in the same way she's "going to end up" serving Rarity in this story, as long as Nightmare took the initiative to capture Celestia's most faithful Student.
Since they had succeeded, Celestia was merely waiting for Luna's birthday to present Twilight to her. Twilight would have had no idea what was going on, but would have been ecstatic to serve the princesses in any way. Unfortunately for Luna, Rarity already exposed Twilight and is placing herself as Twilight's mistress.
It's also implied that the only reason this happens is due to Discords actions. The slight sexual awakening Twilight had before Rarity was a direct result of Discord. While Celestia had always been very careful about using her control over Twilight and the rest of the ponies, Discord was not. He forced and coerced Ponies to do all sorts of things for his amusement. Even though Twilight was mortified at the results, she quietly admitted to herself that it was something attractive. Rarity pulls this out of Twilight during her little interrogation.
As the reader, we don't know if Luna would appreciate her gift or not, but we can assume that Celestia knows something about her sister.
I understand that this sort of thing is very extreme, and definitely not for everybody. It's a fetish. On this one, I tried to hit manipulation, innocence, corruption, stretching, Dom/Sub, humiliation, sadism, slavery, incest, and objectifying a person/pony. That's a lot of pretty extreme things jumbled into a little package, and even people that are going to be aroused by some of it are going to be disgusted/upset over something else.
Anywho, the punchline was my little way of saying a whole bunch without saying much, but in order for it to make sense you have to pay attention to what Twilight says and thinks throughout the story. I like things like that, but I can see some people wanting everything explained and presented clearly. So I wrote this convoluted message to clearly explain things. Clear as mud, right?
989920
Sweet. Thanks!
990215
Yeah, I'm sure they're pretty good fellows nowadays. But the European opinion, at least from any published historian or internet article I've ever read on the matter, is that... yeah... there was at least a little cannibalism going on. I know that Maori is a pretty wide group of people, different tribes spread out across different islands and whatnot, so it's possible it was a small group of them that partook in this.
Kind of like how in the States there is that one small group of Mormons who were forcing 12 year old girls to marry 50 year old guys. I know not all Mormons do that, and not all 'Mericans. But it did/does happen, and in some small way it impacted my opinion on Mormons. Who are usually super nice in every way, at least in person. I'm not going to go into details on the Aztec cannibalism, but yeah. That happened.
I'm going to try and focus on writing something today so that I can hopefully post something. While I do enjoy discussing random historic anomalies, I should probably focus on Poni. Unless I try to write an epic Moari vs Aztec battle using ponies as stand ins. I can't see that ending well, only offending everybody. Everybody.
*Edited: I replied to the wrong person! Ack! Sorry!
991743 Thanks, now I know a little something about the Maori. (You replied to me twice in the same message.)
992717
Fixed! Thanks!
990215
Sorry! I screwed up and didn't put the right link on the last message. I did reply to you! I'm not sure if it lets you know if I edit your name in instead of posting it in the original go.
991743
Yeah minorities have an annoyingly large affect on majorities...
I still get the impression that a lot of those books were written with muddled culture knowledge and hearsay...
I mean a lot of indigenous cultures in the pacific were crushed beneath the catholic/christian juggernaut.
Its easy for things to get muddled.
That aside!
Good luck with the writing!
.....ummm ok, that was a really long explanation. but i get it now. umm how do i do that little respondy thingy?
988287 A problem with it? That's what I've enjoyed about your stories. How you tweak the idea of stuff. Some would see it as extreme, but it makes me go, "Huh. That's different!" keeps me interested I should say.
I read the bit that you've added, and... Wow! I didn't think Rarity could be more cruel, but that addition changed that! Ohlawd. Also rereading the ending makes me think Celestia is just like Rarity, if not more extreme. I due wonder if Luna would've like her gift.
I'm not going to say i loved it, but I can't find myself to say that I didn't like it. It was a complete mental roller-coaster for me the entire time. I had absolutely no idea what to think. You managed to confuse the f*ck out of me. So, bravo to a good/not-sure story!
Oh, and that ending? Perfect.
1008326
Simple! Just click those two little speech balloons on the right side of the comment you want to reply to. You will see two symbols like a sideways v, and then a number show up in your "Add Comment" box at the bottom of the page. It should also immediately scroll down to look at the box. When you hit post, these symbols and the number turn into the name of the person you are responding to, and give them a notification. Sometimes they don't change into the name, but turn into a blue hyperlinked number instead. I'm not sure why that happens, but it still worked. Give it a try with mine!
1011170
Thanks! I have a few weird ideas coming up if I ever get around to them. I'm gonna say that, the way the story was planned to go was yes. She would have liked her gift. And yes, she would have been... slightly upset. Maybe not angry, she's mature enough to understand it wasn't the fault of either pony involved... exactly... but definitely miffed.
1011206
I'm laughing. Thanks! I have a feeling I don't get many likes because too many people are confused by what I write. I also don't get many dislikes... Most stories get about a 10% comment/views rating. I tend to get 5% or less. I'm assuming the difference is people that don't want to thumb up me because the content is... horrible. But don't want to thumb down me because on some level the story is entertaining. I'm happy to see someone actually post something like that.
993277
Thanks! And yeah, the Catholic Church/white people from Europe did some pretty terrible things. I'd once again recommend reading a book by the same author I mentioned earlier, Jared Diamond. He goes into pretty great detail about the nature of the history of man and covers a ton of atrocities committed by everybody in the book, "Guns, Germs, and Steel". He's probably one of my favorite historians. I usually don't enjoy reading history books, but he's actually fun to read.
1011328
Sweet as!
Thanks for the suggestion, I'll look into grabbing a copy.
1011328
May I suggest a version where Luna gets to unwrap her present?
Great fic! I look forward to hopefully more
Perhaps a litte more of the action between Spike and Twi could have been described, but otherwise pretty great.
I quite liked this, and would be interested in seeing more.
1011328 ohh you mean the pin! its not two baloons it an overhead side veiw of a pin.
i know how to respond now though!! thanks a bunch!!
Seeing how everyone seems to be leaving these long winded comments, I might as well leave one.
In simple terms, your writing is great.
I mean, there are the errors here and there, such as spelling 'mane' as 'main' once, and other things like that, but overall, I find that you have a way of conveying emotion very effectively. Usually, when I read stories like this, the dominating party doesn't feel remorse at all for what they have done to the submissive, while in this, you can tell that even rarity, mistress as she is, is conflicted. It's this kind of internal struggle that adds to the depth of the story.
One thing I didn't like though was how Spike became malicious. I'm hoping that deep down, he still does love Twilight, and is just letting his own darker side take over, and that his soul isn't that, for lack of a better word--evil. Speaking of Spike, there was a whole world of what had happened between those two that wasn't explored. Perhaps you thought 13,000 words was enough for one chapter, (for I don't know whether you are planning on expanding this universe or not...though I wish you would.) or if you just didn't feel like it and wanted to take the easier way out. Regardless, the point is gotten across, though I would have liked to have read the dinner and dessert scenes, as I feel Spike's transition is a bit quick, (though, he did get quite forcibly pulled into a situation he wouldn't have ever dreamed of days before) and adding that extra bit would have helped ease his transition from reluctance to acceptance, and also make the switch less jarring to the reader.
I feel like I'm running a bit long on this comment, and might just continue in a PM if you so wish, as there are other things I want to discuss. (though you might just be tl;dr'ing this) so I think I will cut this a bit short--relatively speaking.
Anyway, great work, and I hope to see an extension to this story if you so decide to write it. (who am I to pressure you into writing something you don't want to? :P)
Hope to hear back from you!
~Zyrian
No! Bad author! One does not simply ruin Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle is to be sexed and corrupted with perversion! One is not to ruin dat ass. The pressioussss mussnt be dessstroyed!!! My pressssussss! ( lol lotr and gollum in one reprimanding speech of the ruining of Twilight Sparkle!)
Read it, didn't enjoy it.
Sorry.