Otaku anime and Manga. so much imagination to draw and write,
Dusk Shine is a smart young colt like his big sister Twilight but often dipping into books until the day he gets a message from Princess Celestia telling him and Twilight to oversee the preparations for the sunset event. In Ponyville the young colt make friends with three filly CMC, a rich girl and the daughter of chaos god. The young colt go decouvert love is not easy.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I really do like the premise of the story but your writing is so stilted neutral in tone that it is hard to get into reading it it's hard to have a good flow with it. I would suggest that you try using more expressions or figure of speeches in your writing to add more color to it because it feels so flat while reading it like 'with great reluctance he pulls his muzzle away of the fascinating book that he was reading', 'or like a suborn mule Dusk had to be pulled like and overloaded luggage, making leaving long deep grooves in the dirt packed ground'. Even adding a little atmosphere to set the mood of the scene would do a world of difference if you just say 'it was bright and sunny day' or 'the party excitement was at it's peak' or even ' the dread of everypony faces upon looking the sinister mare on the stage showed that she was now in charge of the situation'. I would really hope you put more style in your writing because I really do like it so far.
Awesome!!
It’s ok. The idea of Twlight having a little brother that charms the younger mares is cute, but this feels like an early draft getting the details down.
Wow, this story still exist? I forgot all about it, to be honest with you
Weird, that I never left a comment on the first chapter to talk about how much potential this story had before it went on a mini hiatus
Does Dusk, like Spike, have a crush on Rarity?
9782193
No
is more like the filly has a crush in him
Here fixed it as best I can the underlined sentence is a mistk on my part.
The day after he came to Ponyville with his big sister, Dusk Shine will start his first day of school in that town.
In the library, the purple colt prepared his bag with the help of his pet mouse.
"Dusk, are you done? Your class will begin soon."
"Understood, big sister." He his last case to put them in his bag and accidentally put his mouse too.
He and Index run out to school, halfway through Dusk meets Apple Bloom who is happy to see him.
"Hi Dusk and what is this book?" It's blushing.
"Hi, Apple Bloom. He is, index, an enchanted grimoire that I found last night." he replied.
They're on time. "Hello, I'm Cheerilee your teacher and you must be Twilight's little brother?"
"Yes."
"Class, today we have a new student, you can come in now." It allowed Dusk.
The purple colt and the grimoire entering the classroom, they make the presentations.
"Hello my name is Dusk Shine and the book I have is Index. I'm from Canterlot, me and my big sister are moving here."
They explained. Students greet the new one. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon fell in love with him.
(He's cute, I'm going to invite him to my party at Sugarcube Corner.) She was thinking.
The class passed, it was the end of the day and Diamond Tiara will invite ponies for her party to celebrate the appearance of her cutie mark.
The filly distributes invitations to each until apple Bloom and Dusk Shine arrive.
"And to finish one for Dusk." The young farmer knew that Diamond was not going to give her a card.
"What about Apple Bloom?"
"Sorry I didn't have a lot of invitations for everypony," she said in a mocking tone.
[...] Index could detect a lie in her words.
"Wait, but if she doesn't have an invitation, can Apple Bloom be my puls one for your party?" The purple foal asked.
"Of course..." DT says in a disgruntled and sarcastic tone. She and her friend Silver Spoon leave so that others don't see the jealousy shown on there faces.
the young farmer was happy to be invited by the boy she loves but afraid to shame him because of her condition.
"Dusk you're sure you're going to come with me? I still haven't found my talent... "
"AB, don't forget that there are two of us and it is together that we will discover our talents. "
[Dusk is right. Before noon arrives, you will have obtained your mark but if you want to do it fast, go see a pony that has already obtained thers.]
Listen to the grimoire's advice, the two foals went to see Applejack.
"To get your mark? I'd say be patience." The farmer answered both.
"..." They would have preferred to have another answer. So the two foals and the grimoire are going to see Rainbow Dash.
"Discovering your talents quickly? Easy, follow me." She flies to help the two foals
Rainbow Dash is ready to coach Dusk and Apple Bloom. Index makes sure they don't take any risks.
“First Deltaplane exercise.” The two young ponies cling to a plane to fly away but the device breaks.
“Second karate exercise.” Both wear karate gear. The blue pegasus blows in the whistle to announce the beginning. The farmer jump kicks on the dummy but misses.
The yellow filly struck the wooden plank but without success. They try other sports...
Dash checks which sport that might try to get their mark next. Meanwhile the grimoire speaks to the two foals.
[Are you sure that it is among the sports that you will discover your talents?] The grimoire questions the two foals.
"Of course Index."
"Why, do you know of another method?"
[There is...] The grimoire was going to say but get interrupted by Pinkie Pie who talks about making cakes.
"Cakes?" to unite. Mr. Cheese pop out of Dusk's bag and wants taste a pastry at the cheese snack.
- Cakes?
"Yes, making cakes is always fun to make." convinced, the two foals follow the pink mare to Sugarcube Corner.
In the bakery, Pinkie puts the kitchen utensils on the table and the three start the recipe. They make a big vanilla cake.
And then mouse had finished eating the rest of the dough in the bowl. "Chirp"
Proud of their first cake, the two foals look if they got their cutie mark, they have nothing. Both are disappointed, they go inside to try another activity but where stopped by Twilight.
"Dusky, Apple Bloom where you're going? The party has started"
"But big sister, we want to try to get our mark."
"Dusk, you don't have time because Diamond Tiara's party has started and your classmates are here"
"..." Without arguing, the two go to the celebration of the pink filly.
Diamond sees Dusk and glad to see the colt she loves here. She starts a conversation with him.
"Dusk, I'm glad to see you here."
She talks to him a lot. The young farmer does not like to see the girl she hates being with the boy she likes.
"Why does she keep sticking to Dusk?" She said in a loud voice. The farmer thought you no pony had heard it, but two voices heard it.
??? : We understand how you feel.
The yellow filly looks under the table to see two girls hidden under the table.
The three discuss an action plan to keep the purple colt away from the girl.
On Dusk's side, Diamond Tiara says bad things about Apple Bloom and the fact that she is a blankflank. Dusk Shine didn't like his friend being insulted and gets angry.
"Its enough! I forbid you from insulting Apple Bloom!'" raise sit.
DT and the guests are surprised, the young farmer is touched by Dusk's chivalry.
"It's not we're blankflanks that it means it is a chance to explore the possibilities we have."
[And the possibility of a pony discovering his talent is unlimited.] The grimoire added.
Diamond is speechless, she can't fault proposing this speech. Guests approve of Dusk's words and the three fillies as well.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo approach the purple colt. Diamond Tiara sees the three girls and casts a chilling look before moving away.
After this incident, the four talk to each other and decide to create a club for ponies who have not yet discovered their talent and name the Cutie Mark Crusader.
"To celebrate the opening of our clubs I'm going to get cupcakes." he goes to the table to pick up cupcakes for his friends.
Their friend walks away and the three girls say their thoughts in a loud voice.
"Dusk is truly a charming prince..." They say togather and blush.
9783290
Thank...
When I go time, I will put that...
9783445
Don't minton it also just fixed the frist chapter also like i sad i am not a editor by any stretch of the imagination so you might want some one els to have a look at this.
You know.
At the moment it's a Rough Diamond.
Needs a little work to truly shine, but still pretty good.
I'm keeping my eye on this one.
This was basically Tom & Jerry
I forgot this story was still here.
Pls update the story is great and great way to use Cinderella story and official in my favorite
I'm not a fan of Dusk helping out the way he did. He really shouldn't be that powerful for a colt. To be honest, I think he should've fallen asleep with Spike. He's had a long day. Plus, his child metabolism shouldn't let him stay up past 9pm.
Overall, there was no benefit of having Dusk help other than to show that he is a Gary Stu, which seems like the case.
I wonder if this story will continue
I forgot all about this story.
I forgot about the story as well.