I Met a Pony In Hell (And We Kicked Ass Together)

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Chapter Six: The One Where I Start Out With Weird-Ass Streams of Consciousness

You know that feeling you get when you wake up in the middle afternoon—from whatever godawful purpose that had possessed you to sleep during daylight hours to begin with—and your body becomes paralyzed with the fear that some supremely important project has been left unfinished, and you're only going to be regretting your own stupidity and laziness for the rest of your life?

That's what dying feels like. Well, at least, that's what almost-dying feels like. I've survived almost-dying; it was the hottest experience of my life. I don't mean “hottest” as in “sexiest,” but as in first-degree-burns-all-over-my-torso “hot,” which is about as scorching as it gets when an eighteen-foot tall demon is swinging a sword of living flame down over one's helpless body.

I figured hell would be hot. That's what Sunday school taught me, back when I paid attention, back before I discovered that prayer was like masturbation, overrated and just as sleep-inducing, with only one pimply person in the audience applauding. The thing is, as I lay there beneath Babellyon's fatal punishment, the tiny logic centers in my brain began functioning. It occurred to me that I had been to Hell twice: the first time at a Pistons-Pacers game, the second time fighting waves of trolls and orcs. After witnessing both Ron Artest's and Sisyphus' fury first-hand, I expected something worse on the third trip, but ultimately I realized that I was still breathing, still twitching, and still pissing myself. There's no urine in Hell, on account of all the kidney stones, or so I had expected.

I opened my eyes. Indeed, I was still fucking alive. Not only that, but I wasn't alone. Lyra was there with me, and she was getting just as cooked as I was. I wondered in a brief moment of childish stupidity exactly why she wasn't fleeing the impending kiss of Babellyon's sword, until it occurred to me that she was the single reason for why the vaporous weapon hadn't landed in the first place.

The damn pony had rushed to my side and was using every bit of energy in her being to hold a force field solidly between me and Tartarus' over-talkative warrior supreme. The fact that she was keeping herself alive in the process appeared to be merely a fringe benefit. I was quite frankly too damned shocked to thank her.

“Nnngh... Sh-Shawn!” She whimpered as she fought against the push of Babellyon's blade. Rivulets of sweat ran down her brow, and a trickle of blood leaked out her ears. “Move! Get away! Quickly!”

I obeyed her. Or, at least, I tried to. As soon as I moved, my body screamed with painful burns. My lungs matched the outburst. I fell on my chest like a moaning infant and literally wormed away from the flaming debacle.

“What a charming gesture,” Babellyon yapped on, as usual. He threw more weight against the hilt of his elemental blade, causing Lyra's shield to fissure and fluctuate. “Pain in Tartarus is amplified by your vain attempts at instilling hope! I hope you're proud of yourself,” he sneered.

Lyra hissed through gritting teeth as her eyes flashed with emerald wrath. “You... talk... too much... you big... meanie head!” She let forth a war-cry, splitting everyone's ears including Babellyon's. She pushed her emerald shield towards the cavern's ceiling. Babbellyon's blade shattered in a puff of red ash as the barrier flew up past his arm and slammed into his face. The mana stream wrapped around his red skull like a solid ribbon of metal.

“Mmmmfff!” He exclaimed, clawing and pulling at the energy beam encumbering his cranium.

Lyra slumped instantly, panting. With monumental endurance, she twirled about and galloped my way. “Shawn, grab ahold!”

“To what?!” I hissed.

“To anything!” she shrieked as the cries of the battalion came up our rear. “We can still make it!”

I clasped her waist with one arm while crawling with my remaining limbs. Along the way, I found my sword and gripped it. Soon I was using it as a crutch as I crouch-walked up the steep stairs with her. Up above, I saw Applejack pulling Kelly—who was in a worse condition than me. Beyond them was the door, our exit from the chamber. The flames from Babellyon's bombs were just now dissipating, and we were inches away from freedom.

The glorious realization of this was cut short from the shower of spears, axes, and daggers landing all around us. The orcs and trolls saw us getting away, and they attempted impaling us from afar.

“Kelly!” I shouted. “I know your leg's busted, but how are your arms?!”

“J-just fine, I guess! Why?”

Wincing from the burns on my limbs, I grabbed my last crossbow and threw it up at her. “Use those eagle eyes that Sisyphus gave ya!”

She grabbed the weapon, loaded bolts into it, and took aim. While Applejack dragged her backwards, she fired several shots down past Lyra and me, effectively plugging the projectiles into the necks of the forward-most orcs and trolls of the charging group. The air rang with angry hisses and screams, especially when Babellyon finally yanked the energy ribbon free from his face and gave us the most pissed-off expression in the history of everything.

“Lyra!” Applejack shouted as we caught up with her and Kelly. “The door!”

“I got it!” Lyra was taking control of everything at this point. She slid over to the circular controls beside the exit. She began spinning the tumblers at a breathless speed, faster than I'd ever seen her operate them before.

“Got any more bolts, Shawn?” Kelly grunted, firing the last of the crossbow's shots. “I barely have anything to work with here.”

“Join the fucking club.” I stood up, grunting in pain, and raised a sword as the first of several creatures scaled the stairs to reach us. I barely parried his axe-swings with my weapon. “Lyra...?”

“Almost got it...”

Applejack rushed in, knocked the troll down, and bucked two more rushing up past him. The air was deafening. The stairs were crowding with bodies. Through it all, Babellyon marched, spitting up another explosive sphere and juggling it. “Now would be a good time, sugarcube!”

“Almost...”

I slashed the arm off a shrieking troll, then teetered numbly down the stairs. Applejack caught me with a mouth over my elbow. I yelped in pain, hissed in fury, and stabbed a charging orc between the eyes.

“This is it!” Kelly shouted, dropped my crossbow, and reached for her bow. She fired an arrow straight at Babellyon. He merely back-handed it away. “Lyra—!” she shouted.

“Got it!” Lyra chirped. The door slid open.

With a pained yell, I grabbed her by one hoof and flung her at the door.

“Whoah!” Lyra tumbled through. Applejack was next, dragging Kelly by her chest-plate.

I marched—more like limped backwards. I swiped up my crossbow, fired the last bolt into a troll's chest, and deflected two more axe swings with my sword. “Pool's closed, you fart-sniffing pieces of—”

“Haaugh!” Babellyon flung his glowing explosive.

“Yeah, fuck this.” I spun. I dove. I slid through the door just as it closed, barely blocking the burning explosive at my heels.

I landed in an agonizing tumble beside Lyra, Applejack, Kelly, and another glowing crystal on a pedestal. Once more, it was deathly quiet. Once more, everything was still. And once more...

“Nnngh—Aaaugh!” I sat up, wincing from all of my burns at the same time, seething through clenched teeth. “Ha... Haaa-haa-haa!” I cackled in pure hysterics. “Ohhhh shit. Whew. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you stick it to fucking fate!”

The pain I had just endured doubled, then quadrupled, as I felt all four of Lyra's hooves landing on my chest. No sooner had I lost my lungs from this, but I found her staring—glaring—directly into my face. “What's gotten into you, Shawn?! Is every horrible thing about this place so funny to you?!”

I blinked up at her. “Uhm... maybe?”

She hissed at me. “What were you thinking earlier?! You ran in with your sword and tried to take on that horrible demon all on your own!”

“But...” I glanced over to where Applejack was tending to a wincing Kelly. “It's not like Kelly was in any condition to be badass—”

“But Applejack and I were!” she exclaimed. “We could have worked together as a team! We could have distracted him from all sides so that the final sprint to the doorway would have gone a lot smoother! There was no reason for you to run in and challenge him all by your lonesome!”

“Look, Lyra,” I sighed and planted a hand on her hoof. “Just drop it, will ya—?”

“No!” she exclaimed, batting my hand away. “Stop telling me to drop it! Stop pretending like what I have to say doesn't matter! You're so concerned with surviving, aren't you, Shawn?! Why'd you go and do something crazy like that?!”

“Give him some slack, Lyra,” Kelly said tiredly, sitting up straight while Applejack slowly peeled the metal leg-piece off her wound. “Shawn showed a little spine for once. That's something that should be commended.”

“You haven't been around him as long as I have in this place!” Lyra frowned at her, then glared down at me. “You haven't had to endure him constantly treating the deaths of those around us like they don't matter! If any single one of us three died, would he really be shedding a tear?! Huh?! Well would you, Shawn?”

“What do you want from me, Lyra?” I shrugged under weight, still trying to breathe evenly. “Just what do you want me to say?”

“Tell me that there's something in this situation that means more to you than just spilling blood! Tell me that there's something you look forward to! Tell me that you're fighting to get back to someone once this is all over!”

At this point, I was glaring at her. It wasn't an angry expression, I suppose, but something more akin to boredom. “What's the point, Lyra?” my voice droned. “I survived, you survived, they survived. It's not worth regretting nor celebrating. All that's real is here and now. You get it? There's nothing back home for me. Where I come from, nobody gives a shit about my life, and I don't rightly blame them.”

Lyra gazed at me. Her eyes began filling with tears. “I'm happy that you exist, Shawn,” she said. She sniffled and broke forth, “I want you to survive more than anything. You're... You're m-my friend...”

I squinted at her. “Lyra, I—”

“Shut up,” she said in a shaking voice. “Just shut up. I hate it when you talk, Shawn.” She curled up against me and rested her face into my shoulder. Her tears were strangely cool against my burns as she shivered and sobbed. “Just stay alive. You c-can manage that at least, can't you? Don't do stupid things. Don't die on me. This place is horrible enough, but to lose you...?”

I felt her sobbing body. I heard her sniffles and her cries. But I just simply didn't understand it. I didn't understand anything, or so I realized I had been telling myself all that time. It suddenly occurred to me that she wasn't the only one who hated it when I talked. So I said nothing. I simply raised a hand and limply patted her armored shoulder. It was a lame gesture, but at least it was a gesture.

I looked over at Kelly and Applejack. What was I looking for? Approval? Penance? They said nothing. Kelly hung her head and rested as Applejack tended to her wounds.

When the crystal lit up and Sisyphus spoke, we were all too numb to register the hologram's words: something about “foolish mortals” and the “eternal torture of Tartarus” and yadda yadda yadda. I suppose Babellyon was right about one thing: the best ingredient of pain was hope. I hadn't known what sort of a recipe I'd been cooking up for Lyra, not until she clung to my body and told me with her tears.

We were all exhausted. It was a good enough excuse to allow slumber to claim us, I suppose.

Comments

[just4imagemails]

Yeah, go Lyra, show Shawn what it means to be a true friend!

Also, it just seems like such a shame that these interim chapters go by without a single comment. The zeroes must be eliminated!

In other news, moustache.

[NaiKujibo]

BREAKING NEWS!
This just in, Shawn wasn't an absolute dick for once!
back to you Diane

[wat]

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/191/602/898.png

[Banksyt]

If only bonbon would see how Shawn is treating Lyra...
I shudder to think of such things...

[Samey90]

After witnessing both Ron Artest's and Sisyphus' fury first-hand

Now I wonder which one was worse xD

[Godiswithus3]

I liked this chapter.

[Ponky]

Jee, Lyra's speech at the end there was deeper and sadder than I remember. How do you manage to squeeze meaning into a bloodbath like this?

[Metal Aura]

I should have expected the addition of friendship as a powerful force. It might be small but it makes this whole story more enjoyable. As if that is possible.