Princess Celestia sends Twilight Sparkle and her friends to investiage dragon activity in the Smokey Mountains. There, they discover a human named Allen, who's ended up on their world by accident and needs their help to find a way home.
“I don’t know why, but I always end up peeing a river when I wake up.”
I didn't expect to see that when I was reading.
Also you used chance when you meant change, and you spells sills instead of skills.
Also I noticed something when I was reading Jay. Allen himself is coming across as a little "wooden" somehow. I'm not quite sure how to fix that just yet unfortunately.
Still it wasn't what I'd call terribly obvious, it's there but not overtly so.
A very minor issue, I would like to have seen them read the small print in his battery charger to figure out line voltage and watts and convert from the ponies equivalent units.
Just adapting the prongs is asking for a fried device!
The reason the human world has so many different prong configurations is because each one corresponds to a different combination of AC vs DC and differing voltage levels. Wrong current type, things won't work. Too much voltage, things cook. Too little voltage, you will get funky behavior as some parts function and others do not.
And do ponies even use volts, amps, watts? I'm sure they have equivalent concepts, but unless the values arbitrarily defined in those concepts are identical, you're gonna wind up hooking up a device built for 120 volts to a 120 colt source that works out to be equal to 400 volts or something.
On the plus side, you'll turn his phone into a handy dandy toaster.
At least, until the battery experiences thermal runaway and explodes. Li-on batteries (the type phones usually use) do not like too much power!
What you really need is one of those magic charging crystals like the ancient charging pads the SGC folks discovered on the Destiny, that automatically (and wirelessly!) charge anything placed atop them perfectly and with all appropriate values.
I'm enjoying the story overall, but this chapter was just... expository. Most of what Allen said was: I like this, I don't like that, etc. Exposit vomit.
I did enjoy waking up with Celestia, seeing her morning routine gave her some personality.
Like you said, this looks to be a big setup for the next chapters, and I can't wait too see them.
That ending was so full of innuendo, it was almost cringy
I didn't expect to see that when I was reading.
Also you used chance when you meant change, and you spells sills instead of skills.
Also I noticed something when I was reading Jay. Allen himself is coming across as a little "wooden" somehow. I'm not quite sure how to fix that just yet unfortunately.
Still it wasn't what I'd call terribly obvious, it's there but not overtly so.
9018043
It's a new story and not a rewrite from what I'm seeing.
9018240
There are some hiccups, but it is solid so far. And it will get better as it moves forward.
A very minor issue, I would like to have seen them read the small print in his battery charger to figure out line voltage and watts and convert from the ponies equivalent units.
Twilight, Twilight, you ought to know better.
Just adapting the prongs is asking for a fried device!
The reason the human world has so many different prong configurations is because each one corresponds to a different combination of AC vs DC and differing voltage levels. Wrong current type, things won't work. Too much voltage, things cook. Too little voltage, you will get funky behavior as some parts function and others do not.
And do ponies even use volts, amps, watts? I'm sure they have equivalent concepts, but unless the values arbitrarily defined in those concepts are identical, you're gonna wind up hooking up a device built for 120 volts to a 120 colt source that works out to be equal to 400 volts or something.
On the plus side, you'll turn his phone into a handy dandy toaster.
At least, until the battery experiences thermal runaway and explodes. Li-on batteries (the type phones usually use) do not like too much power!
What you really need is one of those magic charging crystals like the ancient charging pads the SGC folks discovered on the Destiny, that automatically (and wirelessly!) charge anything placed atop them perfectly and with all appropriate values.
Please continue
I'm enjoying the story overall, but this chapter was just... expository. Most of what Allen said was: I like this, I don't like that, etc. Exposit vomit.
I did enjoy waking up with Celestia, seeing her morning routine gave her some personality.
Like you said, this looks to be a big setup for the next chapters, and I can't wait too see them.
Thank you for posting.
I'll be waiting for the next chapter! Great job!