Princess Celestia sends Twilight Sparkle and her friends to investiage dragon activity in the Smokey Mountains. There, they discover a human named Allen, who's ended up on their world by accident and needs their help to find a way home.
I do not read clop (so no offense but i wont be reading this). Though on a funny note, when I first saw the stories title I at first thought it was a sequel to Tatsuro's A sparkle in his eye" (either written by him or a fan) then i read the story description, boy was I wrong
how did the most literal piece of cliched shit get into the feature box this is shit that was done to death legit and in parody back in 2012 how EDIT: Oh, it's your legion of braindead fans gg
honestly not that bad. I've grown bored of HiE fics where everyone freaks the fuck out for really no aparent reason apart from 'that's a hairless ape, omg kill it'.
i did find some spelling errors and such, but *overall not too many.
definitely keeping tabs on this.
*edit: oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! just realized i wrote 'overall too many', sorry about that my sleep deprived brain is not very attentive.
The scaffolding of this story is great, it's everything that we want out of a lost-human-on-another-planet work. As Spacecowboy stated, your writing doesn't seem to flow easily. Can you incorporate more literary devices, maybe use precise rather than complex words, idk just suggestions :)
8811273 It is refreshing when there's a fic where humans are immediately liked and intrinsically cute/attractive to pony eyes as ponies are to humans (Anon's Pie Adventure, for example), but the old 'gentle, persecuted, misunderstood creature' is such a time-honored, entrenched literary device.
I'd have to agree with Spacecowboy. RIght now it's pretty cliche with so many others. Though the "how I got to Equestria story" is a little more original than the tired "Either I just suddenly appeared in Equestria or Twilight somehow casted a spell wrong and I suddenly appeared here" crap. At the moment I really can't get into this because it just reads so similar to so many other HiE stories out there. And believe me I have seen a lot. I'll keep an eye on it and see where this one goes.
8813464 sure, they don't have humans, i'll easily give you that. however, a newly discovered species is not exactly an unheard of idea in equestria. i mean seriously, there's quite a few species that exist there, alright it would still be a pretty big event finding out a new undiscovered species existed on their world. but surely this cool revelation would not provoke the 'oh gerd kell it wit ferire!!!' response or the 'hehehe furless monkey is the best insult i have' xenophobe response, but rather the 'study it for all it's worth' option.
Fluttershy walked over beside him and place a hoof on the arm of his chair. “Um, are you okay, uh…Allen was it?”
“That’s amazing. So you’re telling me…uh, humans…is that what you said your race is called?
“Yeah. You’ll have to forgive me, uh…Fluttershy?”.”
She just smiled. “Nope, it’s fine. Besides, you’ll need somewhere to stay, at least till we can find that, did you say…recall rod?” Twilight endeavored to remember.
Does every character have mild dementia in this story? What's the point of this?
As they ate, the scent of something else caught Allen’s nose. “Wait…sniff, sniff. Spike, what is that heavenly aroma coming from the kitchen?”
My only other problem with the story is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't sound conversational at all. It looks like you put a little more effort than necessary into writing the spoken lines, which is actually a bad thing in this case. It makes it seem like a stilted, unauthentic manus instead of casual conversation.
I do like the story though, and will be following it
This is silly. The combined power of four ultra-batteries isn't enough to open a portal to another dimension. You need at least six ultra-batteries for that.
8811148 I don't think the downvotes have anything to do with brain-dead fans but rather the tone of your comment. It is possible to criticize something without being overly rude but it is your right to say what you will. Just as it is everyone else's right criticize your comment.
“Working on it. There, I was right, that was the power switch.” Allen let out a sigh as the device illuminated and whirled to life.
Wow. Just wow. Let's give this critically important piece of equipment to a random guy who's not even a part of the team instead of the guy who actually knows how to use it. Should we at least show the muggle how to turn it on?.. Nah!
“Jim…” He looked around frantically. “Where’s Jim?”
I do not read clop (so no offense but i wont be reading this). Though on a funny note, when I first saw the stories title I at first thought it was a sequel to Tatsuro's A sparkle in his eye" (either written by him or a fan) then i read the story description, boy was I wrong
This has my attention!
how did the most literal piece of cliched shit get into the feature box
this is shit that was done to death legit and in parody back in 2012
how
EDIT: Oh, it's your legion of braindead fans
gg
8810546
Good point. It does sometimes feel HiEs are almost cursed with bad writing though. It all a mess.
That error bothered me immensely.
Also, this chapter was the definition of bullshitting tech talk.
honestly not that bad. I've grown bored of HiE fics where everyone freaks the fuck out for really no aparent reason apart from 'that's a hairless ape, omg kill it'.
i did find some spelling errors and such, but *overall not too many.
definitely keeping tabs on this.
*edit: oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! just realized i wrote 'overall too many', sorry about that my sleep deprived brain is not very attentive.
8811273
Can you imagine how this world would react if an alien suddenly appeared, They would freak the fuck out.
8811532
This world ain't got fifteen different sapient species, many of which don't know that half of the others exist anyway.
I like this so far. I look forward to reading more.
Neat
Pegasuses would actually be more correct than Pegasi (but there's debate on this).
Your writing is still quite stiff, but at least this character has more personality than a cardboard cutout.
The scaffolding of this story is great, it's everything that we want out of a lost-human-on-another-planet work. As Spacecowboy stated, your writing doesn't seem to flow easily. Can you incorporate more literary devices, maybe use precise rather than complex words, idk just suggestions :)
8811532
we don't have several vastly different species which talk our language. they do.
8811273
It is refreshing when there's a fic where humans are immediately liked and intrinsically cute/attractive to pony eyes as ponies are to humans (Anon's Pie Adventure, for example), but the old 'gentle, persecuted, misunderstood creature' is such a time-honored, entrenched literary device.
I'd have to agree with Spacecowboy. RIght now it's pretty cliche with so many others. Though the "how I got to Equestria story" is a little more original than the tired "Either I just suddenly appeared in Equestria or Twilight somehow casted a spell wrong and I suddenly appeared here" crap. At the moment I really can't get into this because it just reads so similar to so many other HiE stories out there. And believe me I have seen a lot. I'll keep an eye on it and see where this one goes.
8812132
Yea but they dont have humans so its still an alien.
8813464
sure, they don't have humans, i'll easily give you that. however, a newly discovered species is not exactly an unheard of idea in equestria. i mean seriously, there's quite a few species that exist there, alright it would still be a pretty big event finding out a new undiscovered species existed on their world. but surely this cool revelation would not provoke the 'oh gerd kell it wit ferire!!!' response or the 'hehehe furless monkey is the best insult i have' xenophobe response, but rather the 'study it for all it's worth' option.
just my opinion.
"Not very impressive male." (More or less)
What a laugh.
Does every character have mild dementia in this story? What's the point of this?
Don't include non-spoken sounds in the dialogue.
My only other problem with the story is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't sound conversational at all. It looks like you put a little more effort than necessary into writing the spoken lines, which is actually a bad thing in this case. It makes it seem like a stilted, unauthentic manus instead of casual conversation.
I do like the story though, and will be following it
This is silly. The combined power of four ultra-batteries isn't enough to open a portal to another dimension. You need at least six ultra-batteries for that.
8811148
I don't think the downvotes have anything to do with brain-dead fans but rather the tone of your comment. It is possible to criticize something without being overly rude but it is your right to say what you will. Just as it is everyone else's right criticize your comment.
Wow. Just wow. Let's give this critically important piece of equipment to a random guy who's not even a part of the team instead of the guy who actually knows how to use it. Should we at least show the muggle how to turn it on?.. Nah!
"The gym is on the Mane street... Why?"
10068508
WE GO JIM