• Member Since 3rd Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

AzureClef5873


Hi there, Im Azure Clef. A couple of friends and I have decided to write our own fanfictions. I hope you like them!

T

One night while three friends were driving to one of their friends concerts. Before they can reach the concert, a portal opens in the middle of the road. Not being able to stop in time, Troy, Devon, and Harry drove into the portal. When they came out of the portal, they were flying straight through a stained glass window and crashing into Discord with a truck. After they crash, they met the mane six. Now they try to find their way home while dealing with the antics of the ponies they are surrounded by.

Edited by: Wise1296

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 9 )

You need an editor. Also, try pacing it slower.

Dear Author... wait, authors? This is a multi-person account? Alrighty then...

Dear authors,

First, let me begin by congratulating you. You have posted a fic to this website. That was a very brave thing to do, and I won't insult you for that.

Unfortunately, that's the only compliment I can give. This comment is not praise, but a critique. Let me preface by saying I mean you no ill will, rather I only wish to see you improve from here. You can take this advice or ignore it, it's up to you, but I will be trying to be as objective as possible.

Anywho, let's begin with the front page. You've been here for three and a half years if your account isn't a lie, so you should know that a story's title should never include "My Little Pony:". It's cliche, overdone, and almost always points to bad fiction, just as starfleet, or friendship is terrible, or basically any fic it shares the name of.

Now let's look at the tags. I just want to say, good job. You avoided Tag gore, kept it only a few story tags (Adventure and comedy), and kept the cast to a minimum of four tags, so good job...

Alright, elephant in the room time: I have a hatred for Human in Equestria. They lack originality and, quite frankly, have been done to death. They are, in my opinion, another mark of rookie writing, but this point can be ignored if you truly wish to go down this path. Judge every story based on their own merit, after all.

However, rather than judging the story, let's look at the cover and judge the book by it.

One night while three friends were driving to one of their friends concerts.

Starting off by using the passive voice? That doesn't speak well of the quality, however the bigger sin is that it's not even a full sentence. You say while, but nothing comes up later. Well, I say that but...

But before they can reach the concert, a portal opens in the middle of the road.

You started the sentence with "But". Stop that. This was supposed to be the add on to the previous sentence, with a comma rather than a period. Having an error in your description, especially the first sentence isn't proof of quality.

After they crash, they meet the mane six and become friends. Now they try to find their way home while dealing with the antics of their pony friends.

Wow, glad to know that there is a story in this, because the rest of the front page was a literal info dump. You basically told me the first chapter and what a future chapter would be about. You didn't pull me into the story, you told me your abstract.

This is not how you do an eye catching description. The description is supposed to tempt you to read onwards, not... not this. This is just an info dump.

Now to tell you what I don't see:
1) Cover Art, for better or worse. Good cover art can make me want to read a story, bad will turn me away. You picked none, the lazy man's choice.
2) Editor or proofreader. These are required, if you desire to post. They improve a story's quality by several thousand percentages.
3) Any reason to read. This seems like a generic "Human in Equestria for Wacky Adventures" story.

I won't be going into the actual story until tomorrow or until I see a response from the collective because, quite simply, I've wasted enough time and writing an amazing critique only for it to be deleted within an hour. I want to see how you'll respond to criticism before going deeper.

Hoping to hear a positive response,
Hand

8733051
Oh no, I am actually glad you critiqued it. Now I know what to change. I really do want to make my fic better so any criticism is really appreciated. As long as its not flat out insulting

8732858
I know, we are currently looking for one

8735064
That's good to hear. In that case, I won't promise to not insult, but I hope the good at least out weighs the bad.

With that... let's begin.

“Watch where you’re going asshole!” A man shouted as a black and red F-150 swerved around the corner.

First sentence, first mistakes.
Grammar: Good job on using the right "you're", but those points are removed for not putting a comma after going. When talking to someone, it's required to put in a comma. "Hello. How are you, Ned." not. "Hello. How are you Ned?"
Grammar: the "a" shouldn't be capitalized as it's following a "said" verb.
Story: I don't know what a F-150 is, nor do I care. You could have said red sports car or red truck or w/e a F-150 is, but not describing it isn't helpful.

“Jesus Harry! I know we’re late but I really don’t feel like dying in your truck! It smells like Pillsbury dough boy’s bunghole’ on here.” said a tall blonde man riding in the back seat.

Grammar: Commas are still needed, especially after "Jesus" and "late:
Grammar: What's up with that double space after smells?
Grammar: period should be a comma at the end there. It's required.

“Fuck off Troy! The concert started 10 minutes ago, I told Jackson we would be there for his debut and I like to keep my word.” said a husky brunette guy driving the truck.

Grammar: comma after off, replace period with comma at the end. This is the last time I will be mentioning it, as I'm not an editor, but the problems continue.
Story: This is the third line in which someone talked, before getting described. It's repetitive and not in the good way.
Story: There is very little action in this action scene. We should see them pulling by cars, passing past PD's, and pushing their way through the city. This just feels... boring.

“Yeah! And besides, who’s fault was it that we had to go back to the apartment to get the tickets that SOMEBODY HAD LEFT BEHIND!” said a buff looking black guy with his hair tied up in a puff.

Story: make it four lines!
Grammar: Never, ever put words in all caps. I know the effect you're going for, it's not the right way to do it. You use italics to emphasize it, not caps it.

“I get it, I fucked up, but layoff, Devon. You had to stop by Alice’s place because you forgot your damn wallet.” Troy snapped back as he was slammed into the side of the car as The car swerved around another corner.

Grammar: Why is "the" capitalized?
Grammar: Commas, still... I'll drop it.

the bridge began to shake violently.

Grammar: Double space, again. Stop doing that.
Grammar: Don't use the passive voice. "Began to" "Started to" take those out of your vocabulary Use. "It shook violently" or anything that makes it active.

“What the fuck?!”

Story: Alright, look, I'm gonna state this now. Swearing in a story doesn't make it cooler or more adult. It makes it more childish. Tone down the swearing and cussing so it actually matters, otherwise the words lose all meaning.

Before any of them could react, A giant circle burst into existence as the bridge began to collapse.

Grammar: Double spaces, stop that.
Grammar: "a" is capitalized when it shouldn't be.

The group looked at each other before they yelled in unison “SHIIIIIIIIT!”.

Grammar: Comma after union
Grammar: Union not Unison
Grammar: Capitalized shouting. Stop that.

Story: The rest of the paragraph was a giant block of text. Break that stuff up, c'mon now.

"AHHHHHH”is all they could

Grammar: capitalization, again.
Grammer: Why did it go from past tense to present? That's not a thing you do.

All three of them writhed back

I don't think you know what "Writhe" means.

as they felt as if their bodies were being stabbed with needles all over their bodies.

Grammar: Redundant department of redundancy has noted you didn't fill out your form in triplicate. Please, don't do that again.

“Is that a fucking castle?” He questioned as he pointed at something incredible.

You do know you didn't need the latter half, right? You made him the last person after a lot of action, so you don't even need this last part. Also "Pointed at something amazing" if you're referring to the castle, you already mentioned it. You don't need to mention it again.

About 50 feet below, In a white castle

Grammar: What the hell is this? This isn't even a sentence and it's full of errors. Like... all of it.

A rainbow of multi-colored ponies ran in terror as a beast turned the skies pink, clouds turned brown, and the world just began to twist and distort. The beast had a long slender body with a head that appeared horse-like in nature but had two horns protruding from his head. One appeared like an antler of a deer while the other looked like a mountain goats horn. It had the arm of a lion and an arm of a bird of prey. It had two wings, one that had feathers like a bird, the other was leathery and sleek like a bat. It had the leg of a crocodile and a leg of a horse. It also had a tail that resembled that of a lizard with fur on the end. He was currently flashing his power with abandon in front of the royals of his world.

Grammar/Story: Wall of text is never a way to do things. Break it the hell up.
Grammar/story: Royals of his world? That's a large assumption, good narrator. Art thou omniscient? If you are, don't be. You need to explain the audience and how people leap to this conclusion.

Unfortunately, this is where I stop, for a multitude of reasons, the least of which is it's more of the same mistakes repeated over and over again.

I can only say "Don't do X" or "Do Y" so many times before it becomes useless. On the whole, though, I can give you a few pieces of advice.

1) Don't write Human in Equestria. This is a personal thing, but allow me to make the argument. This site is flooded with Human in Equestria stories. They are a literal dime-a-dozen. Writing another one will not bring you anything besides practicing skills, but...
1a) Human in Equestria doesn't help polish your skills. It allows you to cheap your way out of things, because humans are strange and mysterious creatures. Who knows what their magic could be? Yawn. It's cheap writing even when done well. The plots are reused so often I can plan out the plot and point to another story that did it in the exact same way.
1b) Better gains elsewhere. If you wish to make a voice for yourself or become different in this community, write something unique and interesting. Write an idea no one else has done before.
2) Get an editor and join a few groups. You are a non-person on this site at the moment. You have no favorite stories, from what I can tell, no groups, and no follows/followers. Get active, get involved.
3) There are multiple of you on this account. Honestly? I'd say you guys should break up and each write your own stories. That can turn out into a much more prolific account, meaning you can each practice your skills more and can, more likely, get a following. Besides, it can give bragging rights of, "I wrote the most words this week!"

If you wish to take my advice or seek any other aid, I'll point you to the School for New Writers and the Looking for Editor groups. I'm, personally, an admin for the former and will happily recommend it as a good place to learn.

If you want to ask any questions, feel free.

~Hand

8735262
Noted, I just have a hard time with action stuff. Thats mainly my friend/co-writers job. Also, I get that HiE stories are common, and I've read a few that were nothing but horse shit. Yet there is promise in the topic. I have been thinking of ways to change the traditional format of HiE stories. I was hoping to implement them later in the fic. As for the constant swearing.... my bad. I was trying to go for a feel that made it to were the characters acted similar to my friends and I. So, because my friends and I swear like sailors, I saw that it was a good fit at the time. Now that I look back. I definitely went of the top with the swearing. As for the Capitalized shouting, I once read that when someone writes something of the like, They end up imagining the actual raise in voice. But again, My bad. Finally, the grammar mistakes are just my poor writing skills. What I may do is I may un-submit the story and probably spend a week or so editing it. What do you think Hand?

8735292
Definitely a good start, though you don't need to take it down to edit it. You simply edit it in google docs then copy paste, slap a (edited) after the chapter so people know it's different, and you're good.

I'll still argue for you to abandon this idea, though.

8735363
Thats understandable, Everyone has their own preferences. Thanks again for the criticism.

8735066
Neat. I’d do it, but I never finish anything.

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