Chapter 1: Did That Just Happen?
“Watch where you’re going asshole!” A man shouted as a black and red F-150 swerved around the corner. A loud and thumping beat echoed from the truck as it sped through downtown Dallas.
“Jesus Harry! I know we’re late but I really don’t feel like dying in your truck! It smells like Pillsbury dough boy’s bunghole’ on here.” said a tall blonde man riding in the back seat.
“Fuck off Troy! The concert started 10 minutes ago, I told Jackson we would be there for his debut and I like to keep my word.” said a husky brunette guy driving the truck.
“Yeah! And besides, who’s fault was it that we had to go back to the apartment to get the tickets that SOMEBODY HAD LEFT BEHIND!” said a buff looking black guy with his hair tied up in a puff.
“I get it, I fucked up, but layoff, Devon. You had to stop by Alice’s place because you forgot your damn wallet.” Troy snapped back as he was slammed into the side of the car as The car swerved around another corner.
“Both of you shut up! We are almost there.” Harry griped at the two passengers as he sped over the nearby bridge. Just as the group reached the bridge, the bridge began to shake violently.
“What the fuck?!” Devon shouted as he saw cracks appear in the middle of the bridge. Before any of them could react, A giant circle burst into existence as the bridge began to collapse. The portal pulsated with an unknown energy as its color changed rapidly. The group looked at each other before they yelled in unison “SHIIIIIIIIT!”. They saw the world around them vanish as they entered the portal. Inside, they watched in a mix of awe, horror, and shock as they saw nothing but blackness before the tunnel around them erupted with every color of the rainbow.
“AHHHHHH” is all they could manage to say as they began to feel their bodies being filled with an unknown energy. All three of them writhed back as they felt as if their bodies were being stabbed with needles all over their bodies. Before they knew it, they regained control of themselves as they watched the world reform around them.
Breathing heavily as he struggled to get his heart under control, Troy noticed something odd as they regained their senses.
“Is that a fucking castle?” He questioned as he pointed at something incredible.
“The hell should I know?” Devon asked as they felt the ground beneath the truck vanish and went into near freefall. They all screamed as the portal closed behind them.
About 50 feet below, In a white castle
A rainbow of multi-colored ponies ran in terror as a beast turned the skies pink, clouds turned brown, and the world just began to twist and distort. The beast had a long slender body with a head that appeared horse-like in nature but had two horns protruding from his head. One appeared like an antler of a deer while the other looked like a mountain goats horn. It had the arm of a lion and an arm of a bird of prey. It had two wings, one that had feathers like a bird, the other was leathery and sleek like a bat. It had the leg of a crocodile and a leg of a horse. It also had a tail that resembled that of a lizard with fur on the end. He was currently flashing his power with abandon in front of the royals of his world.
“Oh, Celly what could you possibly do to stop me.”
Celestia stood with her sister and the element bearers at her side.”That is enough Discord we have the elements here to stop you.”
”Oh Celly I may be crazy but I always have a backup plan.”
After his proclamation Discord proceeded to snap his fingers and nothing seemed to happen at first. Discord then looked at his talons and snapped 2 more times.” Oh, come on. Is this thing on.” He then tapped on his talons and a loud screech resounded from them.
Then he heard the screaming and he turned around to see the grill of a truck falling toward him from outside the castle window.”Oh, that portal may have been a little bit off.”
His pupils shrunk as a truck came crashing through the window and into Discord’s face. The truck didn’t even stop as it plowed through discord and preceded to crash into the wall on the other side of the room. Smoke soon began to erupt from the truck as someone could be heard screaming inside.
“DAMN IT!! I just got my suspension repaired!!” he screeched as he stumbled out of the driver’s seat.
“We literally just crashed into what seems to be a castle and some freak of nature, yet the only thing you care about is your shocks?” Troy replied slightly irritated watching Harry stumble around his truck looking for more damage.
“On a more important note, is everyone okay?” Devon asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.
“Not really, but I’m not missing anything” Troy replied.
“Fuck off, my car is fucking totaled,” Harry responded as he popped the hood of the truck. On the other side of the room, nine figures just stared at the group of three as they bickered and argued among themselves.
“Who the, how the, why the, WHAT THE BUCK?!” shouted a purple horse in utter confusion as to what just transpired.
“Ah don’t know sugar cube. I'm just as confused as you are.” said the orange horse
“Same here, the only thing I know is that carriage looks awesome,” Said the cyan one with a rainbow mane. In between the two groups, a creature began to stand up with steam rising above its head.
“Okay…… Ow” Discord said as he slowly began to stand up.
“Did somebody get the name of the bus that hit me by chance?” He asked the group of nine. A pink horse tilted her head sideways she pointed at the truck while jumping up and down excitedly.
“Ooh Ooh! Maybe it was that truck over their carrying those humans?” she shouted in a high pitch voice.
“Excuse me we are trying to panic over here if you don’t mind.”Harry griped at the group before looking back to his car. Suddenly he stood straight up with an arched eyebrow and turned to look at the group.
“Did those horses just talk?” He asked nobody in particular.
“A-actually, w-we aren’t horses, we’re p-ponies.” Said a small yellow horse with wings.
Harry just stared at her for a second, he then turned around and got in his car.
”I am never eating any of your brownies again Devon,” he stated with a blank expression.
“There was nothing in that batch. The party brownies are in my bag.” he snickered holding up the crushed bag.
“Shit” he muttered to himself.
“Then why the fuck did those ho-” Harry attempted to say before a pink blur appeared on the windshield
“DID SOMEBODY SAY PARTY BROWNIES?!” The pink pony shouted with a large smile on her face as she stuck her against the side window. The group of guys just looked at her for a second before Devon bluntly stated.
“Did I mix up the batches?” He looked in the bag and grabbed one. He then sniffed it to see which one it was.
“Nope, this is definitely the good batch.” He then put the brownie back in the bag.
“We should probably get out now,” Troy commented as he got out of the truck. He winced when he stepped out on his left leg.
“Remember when I said I was fine? I lied” He said with a strained voice as he lifted up his pant leg to see his shin sticking at an odd angle.
“Oh Shit,” said Devon and Harry in unison as they went around the car to get a better look at Troy’s leg. Back on the other side of the room, the yellow pegasus saw Troy’s leg and zoomed over to him despite the immediate protest from the rest of her group.
“Oh, you poor thing!” The little yellow pegasus said as she rushed over to aid him. She saw the bend in his leg and immediately she pulled out a first aid kit. Troy just stared at her with a blank expression.
“Did you just talk? Where were you keeping that first aid kit? What the fuck?” Troy stated in utter confusion. As the ponies watched the yellow pony treat Troy, Discord just watch as he slowly got more and more annoyed with everyone not paying attention to him.
“Um excuse me, literal chaos god floating right next to you” he stated as he watched everyone ignore him and focus on the humans. The tall white pony began to walk over to the humans with caution. She stood around 6 feet in height with a flowing mane and tale even without wind. The mane and tale shimmered with the colors pink, green, and blue. She appeared to have two suns plastered on what one could assume to be its butt. The most peculiar thing about this tall pony was the fact it had Giant wings and a horn protruding from its forehead.
“Hello little ones, My name is Celestia. I am the ruler of this kingdom called Equestria and the castle you just… crashed into.” She said calmly as she smiled warmly towards the trio.
“Okay, first of all, two of us are taller than you and the third matches you in height. Second…. I still need a minute to process this before we get into either politics or the fact that that stained glass window probably costs more than my life.” stated Harry as he kept a blank expression. Before Celestia could even respond, Devon spoke up.
“Down Harry, I’m pretty sure we don't need to piss off the ruler of the nation we are currently residing in.” He said approaching Troy just as the mare finished setting Troy’s leg back in place. She then proceeded to get a crutch out of nowhere.
“Okay, how did I not want to scream in pain as you moved BONES back in place. Also, where do you keep hiding that shit.” Troy asked as he was genuinely curious as to how she did that.
“While I would like to know the same thing, I’m pretty sure the answer will just be ‘magic’ and they’ll just leave it at that. Also, Devon, ‘residing’ is a bit of a strong word, don’t you think?” Harry remarked as he walked towards Celestia.
Discord just floated there, getting more aggravated by the minute.
“HEY!! I'M TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE KINGDOM HERE!!” He shouted in anger as the group reeled back in shock.
“And I'M TRYING TO HAVE A HALF DECENT CONVERSATION HERE!!!” Harry shouted back at the seething draconequus. Discord just stared at his body started turning red with anger. Yet just as soon as he heated up, he cooled down with a slow exhale.
“I don't have time for these hairless apes.” he flew over to the group of ponies.”I am very irritated right now so I'll be brief, you’ll find the elements at the place where you first began. Toodle loo.” Discord proceed to vanish into thin air. The two groups just stared at the place where he had vanished for a brief second before turning to each other.
“Okay, now that that ‘thing’ is gone, can someone get me some painkillers or something? My leg is fucking broken.” Troy said as he stood up with the help of Devon and the yellow pegasus. The group quickly turned their attention back towards the wobbly human.
“My apologies my, um,” Celestia struggled to find the word she was looking for.
“How about humans?” Harry chimed in with an annoyed tone.
“Oh, ok then,” Celestia said as she regained her composure and smiled. “My apologies humans, I’ll have a medic come up and take your friend to a nearby hospital,” she noted before turning towards the smaller ponies. “I hope you all understand the severity of the situation my little ponies.” They all nodded firmly. “Good, if that's the case, then the fate of Equestria rests in your hooves,” she spoke softly as she appeared to knight them with her horn.
“We won’t let you down princess.” The purple one stated as she and the rest of her group ran off.
Turning her attention back to the three humans. Celestia noted, “Let's get you to a doctor.” All three nodded warily as they watched the tall Alicorn gallop out of the room they were in.
“So is she just gonna leave us here or what?” Devon asked as he helped Troy get balanced on his crutch. Harry just shrugged as he heard galloping coming back into the room.
Celestia came back into the room with another pony. This particular pony had a white coat like Celestia's, it even had a horn. However, this pony had a purple mane curled upwards at the end. It also had a nurses hat that with a red cross on it. Another odd thing is that the mark on her but was a purple broken heart with a bandage on it; similar to how Celestia had a sun on hers.
“Hello there, My name is Purpleheart, I'm a nurse and here to help your friend.” She said with a smile as the three looked at each other with worry.
“Don’t fret humans.” The three then looked over to Celestia. “We wish you know harm, so please allow us to help you.” The three stood there a second before forming a little huddle.
“What should we do guys, we are currently in an unknown castle in what I presume to be a place called Equestria, Troy’s leg is broken, Harry’s truck is crashed into that wall over there, and I am very confused as to what just happened in regards to that thing” Devon questioned as he took another look at the two ponies. “Any ideas?” He asked with a nervous tone.
“I honestly would like to take them up on their offer. You know, since MY LEG IS FUCKING BROKEN.” Troy growled at his friends as he felt pain slowly increasing in his leg as time passed.
“I agree.” Devon’s and Troy’s eyes widened as they turned to Harry with surprised looks.
“Did you just agree with somebody? Not just anyone either, Troy of all people?” Devon asked still surprised at his normally insane friend.
“Normally I would be insulted right now, but he is right. Why would you agree with me.” Troy asked with mild curiosity.
“Because your hurt and my truck is busted. What other options do we have?” Harry said with a calm expression. The two others just stared at him in disbelief. “What? I may be psychotic, but I know when we are in a royally fucked up situation.” Harry griped with a huff. The three of them then turned towards Celestia with Troy hobbling towards Nurse Purpleheart.
“Please fix my leg.” He said with a pained look on his face. She smiled back at him.
“Certainly dear, one moment.” Troy just stared at her as her horn began to glow with a lavender aura. Suddenly Troy felt something grab hold of his entire body.
“WOAH WOAH WOAH!” He exclaimed in surprise as he was slowly lifted into the air while covered in the same purple aura as the mare’s horn.
“You’re okay dear, I’m just levitating you with my magic,” she said with a soft chuckle before turning towards the exit and trotted out of the hallway. His friends just stared as they watched their friend float away.
“You should probably follow him.” Devon and Harry turned to see Celestia chuckling at their antics. The two humans just looked at each other before sprinting after their friend. “They are very interesting creatures,” said the tall princess before shaking her head. Celestia walked over to the window to look at the chaos spreading outside. “Please hurry Twilight.” She muttered to herself before turning back into the castle.
The streets of Canterlot
"So, the hospital is just around the corner." Nurse Purpleheart was leading the group of humans down a residential street and giving them a brief description of the area. Which seemed to have seen better days with the odd forms of destruction all over the place. Some areas had large globs of rocky road ice cream hailing from the sky and cotton candy clouds pouring chocolate milk overhead.
“So that is magic?” Harry questioned as he moved his hand through the purple energy that surrounded his floating friend.
“Yes, it is.” Nurse Purpleheart said as she tried to dodge the gallons of chocolate milk falling from the sky.
“Can we learn magic? Because that would be fucking awesome.” Harry said aloud while thinking of making his truck fly with magic.
“Not unless you have one of these,” She said as she pointed to the horn erecting from her head. She shot an energy blast from her horn as a rocky road meteor was falling straight towards us.
“That's it, I want a fucking horn” Harry exclaimed as he ran out of the way of a smaller rocky road meteor. While Harry was chatting about magic with Nurse, Devon and Troy just watched their casual conversation amidst all the chaos around them.
“How are they that calm? I mean, I understand Harry just rolling with whatever just goes on, but not the nurse. Like is this a regular thing around here” Devon questioned while keeping under Troy. His eyes widened when Harry grabbed an oncoming meteor and started eating it.
“I don’t know man, I'm just thankful this ‘magic’ stuff is keeping everything away from me” as Troy said that he began to lay back in the magical field he was in and folded his arms behind his head. The group just continued walking when someone screamed “HELP!!”
We looked over to see a small pony running out of a house on the verge of collapse as large rocky road meteors crashed into her house, ”My mom is stuck under a meteor that crashed roof! Please help!” Before any of us could react, Devon sprinted over into the house.
“Shit!” Harry ran over to the hose to try and help his friend but the section of roof above the door collapsed as soon as Devon ran inside.
“DEVON!!” The humans shouted in unison as they watched the house shake violently from the collapse.
Inside the House.
He looked around as the building shook with dust trickling down from the ceiling. The walls cracking more and more. “Please, help me” Devon turned his head to see a grey pegasus with a yellow mane pinned under some crossbeams and ice cream. Devon rushed over to the beam and tried to lift it. “I don’t want to die,” she whispered with streams of tears falling down her face.
Devon’s eyes widened at her words before growling loudly as he slowly lifted the pile of cross beams off of the mare. She stared in awe for a moment before crawling out from under the pile with her forelegs. Devon let the pile drop before turning his attention towards the mare. One of her hind legs had a decent sized chunk of wood sticking out of it and blood was all over it and the other was bent a bit too far to one side. The mare was crawling towards the front while saying “Dinky” under her breath over and over.
With a loud yelp, the mare found herself in Devon’s arms. “What are you-?” She tried to mutter out before Devon took off sprinting towards the door. Unfortunately, the front door was blocked by a collapsed section of the roof so he turned and ran towards the back door. He went charging for the back door only to see the hallway leading to it to be full of debris. He stopped to assess a path through and to talk to the pony in his arms.
“I need you to listen to me. I’ll shift you onto my back and I want you to hang tight around my neck. Got it?”
The pony looked up and nodded weakly her confirmation. So he adjusted her around to his back and she hung on as tight as she could. He then rushed through the hallway. There were beams underfoot and tight spots to get through but he pushed through. He almost got through the hall and to the back door when another beam partially fell from the roof and into his head.
He yelled “Fuck!” as he stumbled back, almost dropping the pony. But he recovered his wits and pushed through the rest of the way to the back door. He finally made it to the back door when he heard a large snap as one of the last load bearing supports seemed to buckle. He immediately kicked the door down and ran out as the rest of the house finally came crashing down behind him.
“Are you okay?” he asked the pony on his back.
She only responded with a half-hearted grunt.
“Right dumb Question.”
He then made his way to the house and back into the front yard where he saw everyone waiting for him looking at the front door. He also noticed red at the edges of his vision on his left side. He put his hand over his eye and noticed he had been bleeding from a cut on his brow caused by the beam that hit him in his head. “Hey think the ladies will like the face scar? Makes me look badass right?”
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN!” Harry ran over shouting at his injured friend. “You nearly gave me a heart attack you asshole.” He laughed as he punched Devon in the shoulder.
“Fucking moron,” Troy muttered as he watched the events unfold while being stuck in Nurse Purpleheart’s magic. He suddenly yelped in surprise as The unicorn mare carrying him sprinted over to the other two humans.
“Ditzy! Are you alright!” She asked examining the grey pegasus.
“I can't feel the bottom half of my body” Ditzy responded weakly as she barely held on to consciousness. Nurse Purpleheart lifted Ditzy off of Devon's shoulders with care.
“Now, before any more of you decide to get hurt, let's get into the hospital shall we?” Nurse Purpleheart said with a strained a smile before we finally made our way to the hospital. Just as the rest of the group followed the nurse into the hospital, Harry noticed a small pulling sensation on his leg. He looked down to see the little foal that shouted for help.
“Is my mom going to be okay?” The foal stared up at him with a worrisome look.
“She’s fine, everything's fine, she’s only gonna be gone for forever,” he said with a smirk. The little foal began to tear up before he let out a sigh and kneeled down. “She’ll be fine, I promise.” He stated with a smile. He reached out and rubbed the top of the foals head before saying, with a gentle tone, “Do you want to go see if we can get some of the nurses in the hospital to get you a lollipop?”. She nodded as he led her into the hospital.
Inside the Hospital
Ditzy and Troy were put in rooms across the hall from each other and Devon just needed his cut to get stitched up before he was cleared. So he waited for the doctor in Troy’s room. Eventually, a doctor called Doctor Stables came in to check on Troy while nurse Purple Heart came in to do Devon’s stitching.
Doctor Stables walked up to the side of Troy's hospital bed.“Hello, I’m Doctor Stables and I’m here to take a look at your leg.”
“Hey, doc. Thanks for this,” replied Troy.
“No problem. Now despite the break of the bone, it was a clean break so with a bit of magic we can fully set the bone and put a light healing spell on it to jumpstart the healing process.”
Doctor Stables' explanation made Devon curious.“Wait. If you can use healing magic, why not heal it completely.”
Doctor Stables turned to Devon to reply but nurse Purpleheart beat him to it.“Magic may be able to do some amazing things but the precise nature of the body's processes make magic healing dangerous. The body requires healing mostly through natural means and using magic to force it can have unintended side effects that could leave you worse off than before.”
Devon was mostly satisfied with that response but had one more question."Then how does the healing magic you are doing help if it can't help directly?
Doctor Stables replied this time. "It is rather simple really. Our healing spells are basically just used to stimulate the cells in the area around the wound so they work a bit overtime to fix the problem. but it will require you to increase your diet a bit to compensate."
Devon found this talk of medical magic to be a rather interesting subject to him."Wow. Note to self, look into healing magic more.” Before he could ask the doctor more questions. The floor began to shake violently. “Ugh! What now!” Nurse Purpleheart asked before looking out the window. Her and everyone else's mouths dropped as they sight of a giant rainbow energy beam shot down from the sky in the horizon. Soon, the beam turned into a dome of white energy that expanded at an alarming rate. The only thing heard before the energy could hit us was the sound of the three human friends shout “WHAT THE FU-”.
The white energy covered all of the kingdom for a brief moment before it dissipated into the now deep blue sky. When everyone was recovering from the disorientation of the energy, Dinky could be heard shouting with glee. “Everything is back to normal!” She hopped into our room with a large smile plastered across her muzzle. Again, everyone in the room looked out to see the once chaotic world that they previously saw was no more. The sky was blue again and the other oddities that Discord had created vanished from existence. However, Devon looked upon the city with a frown.
“Yeah, back to normal.” He said with a dark tone as he stared upon the city. While the abnormalities from Discord had disappeared, the damage done to the city were clear as day now. Houses were still demolished and ponies ran rampant trying to help each other.
“Be prepared to take in many more ponies, today is not over” The group looked over to see Doctor Stables giving orders to the other nurses in the hospital. The nurses then took off in a hurry to man their stations accordingly as new patients began to flood the hospital. From the window, the group looked on at the ponies with worrisome looks.
“You know, for a place that looks like a three year old had gone crazy with markers, it’s not very colorful if you know what I mean.” Troy said with a sigh as he laid back into his hospital bed. The group just looked at each other before falling into a deep silence.
A couple hours after the event with Discord came to a conclusion, the hospital was ablaze with nurses as they ran to a fro. During the chaos, Ditzy had gone into surgery due to the fact there was wood in her leg as well as her other leg being completely shattered. The nurses did not want Dinky to wait outside of the operating room worrying about her mother, so Nurse Purpleheart ended up taking her to Troy’s room where she ended up falling asleep in Devon’s lap. Nurse Purpleheart deemed it necessary seeing as Devon did save Ditzy. She laid there in blissful ignorance as he scratched behind her ears. The room remained relatively peaceful despite the events that had transpired earlier in the day, that is until a knock came from the door. Harry, being the only one able to move at the moment, got up and went to the door. To his surprise, he came face to face with Celestia as she smiled down upon the human.
“Mind if I come in?” she asked with a small smile.
“Sure, just be quiet, alright? Someone is asleep, so please be a little quieter .” he said as he opened the door wider to let the giant pony in. She gave him a confused look before her eyes landed upon the little foal in Devon’s lap.
“Do you mind if I ask why a little filly is currently napping in your friends lap?” she questioned. Harry simply nodded his head.
“You may want to sit down for this, its a bit of a long story.” He said as he sat down on one of the chairs in the room. When Celestia sat down, Harry began to tell her about their little walk down the street, including the parts about how Devon ran into a building and saved the filly’s mother. Troy chimed in to tell the princess of how Ditzy was now in surgery due to her legs and how the filly came to nap in Devon’s lap. Celestia just listened intently as the two humans retold the tale of their rather enthusiastic walk down the street.
“Sounds like you had a very exciting walk.” She stated with surprise. “While I am grateful that you went out of your way save one of my little ponies.” Devon gave a short nod. “I am afraid that we have some other, rather urgent matters to attend to.” She stood up with serious look adjourned on her face. The humans looked at each other before they turned their attention towards the solar princess.
“We need to discuss what your intentions are while your here in Equestria.” she looked upon the humans with a neutral look.
“We don’t really know actually.” Celestia turned to Troy while he was laying back in his bed. “We kind of came here against our will. So I guess for now we will try to find a place to temporarily call home as we look for a way back.” The other humans nodded in agreement. Celestia just stared at Troy with an intense glare; she sighed in relief before beginning to smile.
“Alright, if that is the case, I will look into finding a place for you to stay.” The humans began to smile. “While I look for a place however, I will have you transferred to the castle so that you can recover and we can keep an eye on all of you seeing as trouble follows you wherever you go.” She chuckled as she said the last bit.
“Thank you very much Celestia.” Troy said with a large grin as Devon smiled in the corner, watching the filly just yawn before relaxing back into his lap. Celestia just smiled at the two humans before noticing Harry was frowning.
“What seems to be the problem my dear human?”
“Its nothing princess, it’s just have a question i’ve got to ask you.” He asked standing up from his seat.
“What might that be?” She asked with an arched eyebrow.
“What’s going to happen to my truck?”
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You need an editor. Also, try pacing it slower.
Dear Author... wait, authors? This is a multi-person account? Alrighty then...Dear authors,
First, let me begin by congratulating you. You have posted a fic to this website. That was a very brave thing to do, and I won't insult you for that.
Unfortunately, that's the only compliment I can give. This comment is not praise, but a critique. Let me preface by saying I mean you no ill will, rather I only wish to see you improve from here. You can take this advice or ignore it, it's up to you, but I will be trying to be as objective as possible.
Anywho, let's begin with the front page. You've been here for three and a half years if your account isn't a lie, so you should know that a story's title should never include "My Little Pony:". It's cliche, overdone, and almost always points to bad fiction, just as starfleet, or friendship is terrible, or basically any fic it shares the name of.
Now let's look at the tags. I just want to say, good job. You avoided Tag gore, kept it only a few story tags (Adventure and comedy), and kept the cast to a minimum of four tags, so good job...
Alright, elephant in the room time: I have a hatred for Human in Equestria. They lack originality and, quite frankly, have been done to death. They are, in my opinion, another mark of rookie writing, but this point can be ignored if you truly wish to go down this path. Judge every story based on their own merit, after all.
However, rather than judging the story, let's look at the cover and judge the book by it.
Starting off by using the passive voice? That doesn't speak well of the quality, however the bigger sin is that it's not even a full sentence. You say while, but nothing comes up later. Well, I say that but...
You started the sentence with "But". Stop that. This was supposed to be the add on to the previous sentence, with a comma rather than a period. Having an error in your description, especially the first sentence isn't proof of quality.
Wow, glad to know that there is a story in this, because the rest of the front page was a literal info dump. You basically told me the first chapter and what a future chapter would be about. You didn't pull me into the story, you told me your abstract.
This is not how you do an eye catching description. The description is supposed to tempt you to read onwards, not... not this. This is just an info dump.
Now to tell you what I don't see:
1) Cover Art, for better or worse. Good cover art can make me want to read a story, bad will turn me away. You picked none, the lazy man's choice.
2) Editor or proofreader. These are required, if you desire to post. They improve a story's quality by several thousand percentages.
3) Any reason to read. This seems like a generic "Human in Equestria for Wacky Adventures" story.
I won't be going into the actual story until tomorrow or until I see a response from the collective because, quite simply, I've wasted enough time and writing an amazing critique only for it to be deleted within an hour. I want to see how you'll respond to criticism before going deeper.
Hoping to hear a positive response,
Hand
8733051
Oh no, I am actually glad you critiqued it. Now I know what to change. I really do want to make my fic better so any criticism is really appreciated. As long as its not flat out insulting
8732858
I know, we are currently looking for one
8735064
That's good to hear. In that case, I won't promise to not insult, but I hope the good at least out weighs the bad.
With that... let's begin.
First sentence, first mistakes.
Grammar: Good job on using the right "you're", but those points are removed for not putting a comma after going. When talking to someone, it's required to put in a comma. "Hello. How are you, Ned." not. "Hello. How are you Ned?"
Grammar: the "a" shouldn't be capitalized as it's following a "said" verb.
Story: I don't know what a F-150 is, nor do I care. You could have said red sports car or red truck or w/e a F-150 is, but not describing it isn't helpful.
Grammar: Commas are still needed, especially after "Jesus" and "late:
Grammar: What's up with that double space after smells?
Grammar: period should be a comma at the end there. It's required.
Grammar: comma after off, replace period with comma at the end. This is the last time I will be mentioning it, as I'm not an editor, but the problems continue.
Story: This is the third line in which someone talked, before getting described. It's repetitive and not in the good way.
Story: There is very little action in this action scene. We should see them pulling by cars, passing past PD's, and pushing their way through the city. This just feels... boring.
Story: make it four lines!
Grammar: Never, ever put words in all caps. I know the effect you're going for, it's not the right way to do it. You use italics to emphasize it, not caps it.
Grammar: Why is "the" capitalized?
Grammar: Commas, still... I'll drop it.
Grammar: Double space, again. Stop doing that.
Grammar: Don't use the passive voice. "Began to" "Started to" take those out of your vocabulary Use. "It shook violently" or anything that makes it active.
Story: Alright, look, I'm gonna state this now. Swearing in a story doesn't make it cooler or more adult. It makes it more childish. Tone down the swearing and cussing so it actually matters, otherwise the words lose all meaning.
Grammar: Double spaces, stop that.
Grammar: "a" is capitalized when it shouldn't be.
Grammar: Comma after union
Grammar: Union not Unison
Grammar: Capitalized shouting. Stop that.
Story: The rest of the paragraph was a giant block of text. Break that stuff up, c'mon now.
Grammar: capitalization, again.
Grammer: Why did it go from past tense to present? That's not a thing you do.
I don't think you know what "Writhe" means.
Grammar: Redundant department of redundancy has noted you didn't fill out your form in triplicate. Please, don't do that again.
You do know you didn't need the latter half, right? You made him the last person after a lot of action, so you don't even need this last part. Also "Pointed at something amazing" if you're referring to the castle, you already mentioned it. You don't need to mention it again.
Grammar: What the hell is this? This isn't even a sentence and it's full of errors. Like... all of it.
Grammar/Story: Wall of text is never a way to do things. Break it the hell up.
Grammar/story: Royals of his world? That's a large assumption, good narrator. Art thou omniscient? If you are, don't be. You need to explain the audience and how people leap to this conclusion.
Unfortunately, this is where I stop, for a multitude of reasons, the least of which is it's more of the same mistakes repeated over and over again.
I can only say "Don't do X" or "Do Y" so many times before it becomes useless. On the whole, though, I can give you a few pieces of advice.
1) Don't write Human in Equestria. This is a personal thing, but allow me to make the argument. This site is flooded with Human in Equestria stories. They are a literal dime-a-dozen. Writing another one will not bring you anything besides practicing skills, but...
1a) Human in Equestria doesn't help polish your skills. It allows you to cheap your way out of things, because humans are strange and mysterious creatures. Who knows what their magic could be? Yawn. It's cheap writing even when done well. The plots are reused so often I can plan out the plot and point to another story that did it in the exact same way.
1b) Better gains elsewhere. If you wish to make a voice for yourself or become different in this community, write something unique and interesting. Write an idea no one else has done before.
2) Get an editor and join a few groups. You are a non-person on this site at the moment. You have no favorite stories, from what I can tell, no groups, and no follows/followers. Get active, get involved.
3) There are multiple of you on this account. Honestly? I'd say you guys should break up and each write your own stories. That can turn out into a much more prolific account, meaning you can each practice your skills more and can, more likely, get a following. Besides, it can give bragging rights of, "I wrote the most words this week!"
If you wish to take my advice or seek any other aid, I'll point you to the School for New Writers and the Looking for Editor groups. I'm, personally, an admin for the former and will happily recommend it as a good place to learn.
If you want to ask any questions, feel free.
~Hand
8735262
Noted, I just have a hard time with action stuff. Thats mainly my friend/co-writers job. Also, I get that HiE stories are common, and I've read a few that were nothing but horse shit. Yet there is promise in the topic. I have been thinking of ways to change the traditional format of HiE stories. I was hoping to implement them later in the fic. As for the constant swearing.... my bad. I was trying to go for a feel that made it to were the characters acted similar to my friends and I. So, because my friends and I swear like sailors, I saw that it was a good fit at the time. Now that I look back. I definitely went of the top with the swearing. As for the Capitalized shouting, I once read that when someone writes something of the like, They end up imagining the actual raise in voice. But again, My bad. Finally, the grammar mistakes are just my poor writing skills. What I may do is I may un-submit the story and probably spend a week or so editing it. What do you think Hand?
8735292
Definitely a good start, though you don't need to take it down to edit it. You simply edit it in google docs then copy paste, slap a (edited) after the chapter so people know it's different, and you're good.
I'll still argue for you to abandon this idea, though.
8735363
Thats understandable, Everyone has their own preferences. Thanks again for the criticism.
8735066
Neat. I’d do it, but I never finish anything.