betrayal
Howls of pain, anger, and sorrow echoed into the halls of Canterlot; they originated from Moonshadow’s room. She lay in her bed, wailing and clutching Caramel. The teddy bear Nightspell had given her last year, for Hearts and Hooves day.
“STOLEN! MY KING RIPPED FROM MY SIDE ONCE AGAIN!” she wailed. Celestia walked up to the door, the guards looked at her with fear in their eyes.
“You are relieved from your duties here. I'll take care of this.” She commanded them.
“Are you sure Your Highness? She's been wailing like this for days and nights. And, we have noticed a black smoke coming from the bottom of the door, filling the protection guard around it. We've had to let it down, and let the smoke dissipate four times now.” the one on the right said with concern in his voice.
“Yes Lance, I am sure.” Celestia sighed, looking down at the bottom of the door. Indeed, there was some kind of black smoke coming from the bottom of the door. The guards bowed and walked away quickly. Celestia took a deep breath, and ignited her horn. “Thank you, God, for giving me this strength and power” she said to herself as she undid the protection guard, around the door. Knocking, she addressed the wailing Moonshadow, as she entered. “Moonshadow? My dear?” She looked around, the room was filled with a black hazy smoke. The wailing continued. “Moonshadow, stop this at once! You are better than this! My sister and I raised you better than this!” The wailing stopped, and the room fell silent.
“What, are you doing here?” A low growl came from the lump of curled up royal blue flesh, on the bed.
“I came to see you, what else?” Celestia slowly walked towards the bed.
“DON'T TAKE ANOTHER STEP!” Moonshadow shouted. Celestia froze where she was.
“Moonshadow, you are only 18. You have your whole life in front of you still.” She said with a soft voice.
“Yes, I may be 18, but I have found someone who loves me more than you EVER will! AND YET YOU AND HIS OWN MOTHER STOLE HIM FROM ME!” Moonshadow started wailing again. Celestia sighed once more, and walked over to her. She put a hoof on her niece, she could feel her shivering.
“It was for the best, he was lying to his parents, and more than likely, he was lying to you.” She said.
“And then you wanted to know more about me being a witch, then…you turned on me! Said you will not have this evil in your house!”
“It is evil. All those definitions are a trick of the devil.” Celestia said sternly. She felt a jolt go through Moonshadow, and the wailing stopped. She was hunched over even further in the bed, as if in horrible pain. “Moonshadow???” Celestia said softly. No reply. “Witchcraft is nothing but an evil craft. It will bring nothing but darkness to…” she was cut short, as a low growl came deep within Moonshadow.
“You know nothing you fool.” Moonshadow lowly hissed. Celestia tried to find her face, she looked up in horror as two electric blue eyes stared at her with a sea green flame flickered from them.
“I do know what I'm talking about. Witchcraft is EVIL!” Celestia again said sternly. “I'm a lot older than you and have more experience than you Moonshadow. Now let's get you out of bed, and get you some…” another growl came from Moonshadow.
“Thank you for your time Celestia. Now leave!” a deeper voice said sternly with a hint of something, but Celestia couldn’t put her hoof on it.
“No! You need... “ A black figure lunged at Celestia.
“YOU! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING WE NEEDED FROM US CELESTIA!” “Moonshadow, no.”something else was nose to nose with celestia now.
“I DID.” she said sternly, her eyes looked at the new alicorn in front of her. Wide in fear and confusion. “It was for your own goo…”
“COWARD! YOU ARE A CLOSED MINDED COWARD!” fresh tears ran down the black alicorn’s cheeks. “UNLOVING! IF YOU EVER LOVED US, YOU WOULD LET US BE OURSELF AND LET US HAVE OUR HUSBAND BACK!” Celestia looked at the alicorn. Blacker than Sombra’s heart, and a deep violet and blue main and tail, half bat, half feathered wings were flanked at its sides. Deep icy electric blue eyes with a deep sea green smoke flowing from them, stared at her with pure hurt and anger. She could say no to all the evil she had become, but couldn’t say no to the heart wrenching truth of her being somewhat right.
“I’m sorry, but I cannot have this witchcraft in my castle. And that stallion you call your husband…he is just another fish in the sea, you can find another.” the black alicorn howled, and slunk back into the bed. Celestia didn’t try to follow. “Give it some time Moonshadow.” she said softly. “You’ll see, you’ll start feeling better soon. In a couple of days, you'll start to forget Nightspell, and this whole witch thing… is only a…”
“GET..out!” came the black alicorn’s shaky reply.
“You have hundreds of friends and subjects that you haven’t seen in months Moonshadow. Was Nightspell and witchcraft so important…”
“OUT CELESTIA!” the black alicorn screamed “OUT, OUT OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!” the black alicorn wirled herself around to face Celestia. Her eyes filled with tears of hatred, and every hair, feather and ethereal strand on her stood straight out. A wave of solid sea green magic slammed into Celestia, catching her by surprise. It threw her out of Moonshadow’s chamber and into the corridor. Slamming the door shut behind her she flew, she hit the wall across the from the door full force. Winded, she slowly rose. Her right wing broken and her ribs bruised.
“I’m sorry Moonshadow” Celestia said weakly. She looked up one last time at the ebony door to Moonshadow’s chambers, and sighed. Praying silently, that she had not just made a terrible mistake.
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Welp celestia just fucked up
This is honestly a little... bad. Try running this entire concept through a couple of author-assistance groups so they can pick out everything for you from the premise to the execution and help you grow better than I could. For one thing though, definitely drop the multiple question marks (???), that is never okay. It might be fine for texting a friend, but even then is more a matter of personal silliness. You also don't need half the dialogue in allcaps, you can show the audience that the OC alicorn is yelling and screaming through descriptive text.
But from what I've read here you have a story that is not labeled AU where it feels like Celestia is apparently some form of Protestant or Catholic and gets her magical powers from an unexplained God (prompting further belief that you're referring to an established real-life religion that the audience is supposed to just understand from their real-life experiences and knowledge), yet is emotionally abusing some inexplicable niece in the name of (what appears to be) Christianity and its ancient abhorrence of magic...?
This whole idea needs a lot of work, and the setup for a confrontation feels fairly flimsy and more than a bit like character assassination on the axis of "let's just use the highest canon authority and make them an antagonist", which is a tad lazy. You've introduced one OC and spoken of another, why not a third to be your antagonist? Also the flailing OC alicorn just banished Celestia from some portion of what was stated to be Celestia's own abode, which makes even less sense.
The story is also named Betral, and unless I miss my guess and my google-fu has become weak, you meant 'Betrayal'. All the same, you have writing ability, and almost everyone starts out around here. Please take the time to consider enlisting assistance to sharpen your ability and to enlighten you as to what mistakes not to make in the future, enabling you to become a stronger and more precise author.
I must say. I do like the looks of your OC on the cover. Just as an artists point of view, I wanted to tell ya the cover looks great.
When this story gets more positive reviews than mine....
Which is....
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/393723/mud-and-blood-equis
No, nononononono. No.
I'm just looking at the cover, and just...a million things have gone wrong. First of all, Moonshadow!? Why didn't you just name her Nightblade? Give her a Japanese surname while you're at it! And let me guess, she has an overly-tragic backstory? Dark powers? An evil side?
And really!? Celestia being so jealous of her perfect love that she forbids anymore dates!? That plot point is just....cringey. Horribly so. There are plenty of ways and reasons for a royal to turn evil without resorting to plot points that could be lifted from Stephanie Meyer. PLEASE don't use Stephanie Meyer as inspiration.
Finally, grammar and spelling. Why are there random words capitalized in your description? And what is a "betral"? Did you mean "Betrayal"? This is the label on the story, this is what you have to attract readers, how can we trust that what you've got is even legible if you can't even be bothered to use Google to make sure the TITLE, the very FIRST THING we see, is even spelled right!?
Yes she did! Lol
Thank you all for all your criticism. This is based off of what has happened in my life. my mother played by Celestia, is yes Christian. I Moonshadow, is a witch, and she doesn't like that. She doesn't understand what it is, and she is apparently not willing to learn. As for the for Nightspell, he is my boyfriend, hopefully soon to be hubby. His mother and mine have torn us apart, they don't want us together at all. His mother thinks I'm a slut, (which I'm not) and my mother thinks he's a lier. This was an emotional wrighting, I wrote this when I was with mixed emotions. That's why it seems like it's all over the place, and the title... I don't know how I didn't see that! 😑 I such a mouse brained idiot! I will fix it when I get the chance.
8729720
...and how old are you?
8729720
Aw....That's so sad! I do hope your life turns for the better! It was a very nice story. And yes the words and stuff were a bit scrambled. But Aye! Those are easy fixes! Over all. I loved it. You did good. And keep working cause this is good shit
8729733
I'm 18
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Thanks! 😊
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Good luck with your life i do wonder how the witch thing works
Hrmmm... Yeeeeeep, this is a 'plug and remix' fic. Not necessarily a bad genre, but what some people consider 'easy to write...'
And, yes, this is a first-time fic. Technically sound, but with some... story-telling issues.
Now, I'm going to be honest: Your issues are important. What goes on in your life--well, it's your life, obviously, and you need friends and love and the usual things that people need. I don't want to downplay that. I understand the need to work through problems, and writing can be an excellent tool for that.
That said... well, others have already left their literary critique. To summarize, you have picked the wrong characters for the wrong roles. Canon Celestia has outright stated there is no wrong way to fantasize and has been shown (very briefly) to use what is explicitly called dark magic. She would not be upset with her niece for practicing witchcraft (whatever that means in a setting where most of the population is magical anyway), so long as said niece was responsible. I can see her being a bit more leery of loving what, from her perspective, is a random stallion... After all, Moonshadow is a princess, and Nightspell could quite possibly be using her as a political stepping stone (or part of a magical ritual). There could still be conflict, just...
Hrm.
If you're the same age as Moonshadow, might I offer some advice? While you are right to want to be yourself and practice what you believe, you might be rushing into your relationship a touch too quickly since it is a way out from your oppressive parents. I do not deny you should get away from them, and your paramour might well be the protector and confidant you need... but he might not be, and you need time to figure that out before leaping into a permanent bond. You will have to accept his flaws, and he yours, otherwise you will not be ready to face reality. Aside from that relationship, though, you should form other social bonds; romance is not and never should be the end-all-be-all of love, and should your boyfriend prove willing but unable to support you a little help from friends could not go amiss.
The show is called 'Friendship is Magic,' after all.
8729794
Cool. Don't write about your own life romances. Please. Write about anything else. Literally anything else. Except rape, we have enough rapefics on this godforsaken site.
8729804
Screw you! Wrighting is how I let out my feelings, when I can't actually say or show them. This was out of hurt and depression, and sometimes I need people to help me with that. That's why I put stuff like this up.
8729821
I'm gonna let MasterWeaver handle this one, he's got a better handle on things here.
8729803
Nightspell is my husband, we've been dating for a year and a half. (In real life) we love each other with everything I have. I will be putting up writings about his and Moonshadow's past later. And with the husband thing. Our parents are presenting us from being married. It's exactly like the perfect pear episode, parents hate each other. And the kids are stuck in the middle.
I don't know what this is, but it reads like a self-insert Mary Sue fic. Now, the plot has promise, but a few changes here and there wouldn't hurt. It would have been a much nicer story if it were about, say, an Earth pony couple (or a single parent) with a unicorn child practicing regular magic and her parents being scared of it because they don't trust magic, or something. It's hard to believe Celestia, who has used dark magic herself (witchcraft, if you want to call it that), would react so badly. For a first fic, it isn't terrible, but could use a more believable plot.
8729720
Dude no. No. Absolutely not. You DO NOT, and I can't stress this enough: DO NOT write about your own life nor its problems. This, coupled with your grammar issues, is why your story is being lambasted. If you really write to vent, this is the kind of story you keep to yourself after doing so.
The grammar issues are easy to fix if you ask for proofreaders and do research on your own, which is what I did myself. Write consistently and the proper way of writing will become like muscle memory and you'll spot the errors automatically.
8729670
To be fair, it doesn't need to be a real word. Fancy letters made to sound like a word can work. One of my really REALLY old stories (Coupled with the issues I had at the time) is titled 'Anonamogamous' and no one reacted to that. I thought this was like that.
8729836
*rubs chin* That being said, if you improve your writing skills, it could actually work, but you need it to be AU...and not say it's about your life. Keep that a secret until later.
8729829
It's based on a life issue
>
8729836
Whatever. I'll do what I want!
8729826
If we are to have this conversation, I feel it would be best not to do so in this public forum. Might I suggest private messaging?
8729836
I agree to a degree, but I must point out that some of the best works of fiction are in fact based on life experience, good and bad. The issue is that there needs to be more... depth and distancing, if it is to work properly. Depth, in that the character must have a life beyond that of the core conflict in order to be a character, and distancing, in that the character must be different enough from the author that they can... affect the story, so to speak.
* Story title is one word
* Title is misspelled
* Story title is also chapter title and so is misspelled twice
* SuDDenLy, caPITAls!
* Main character name is misspelled in long description
* Random Acts Of Comma Placement
* Two characters speaking in the same paragraph
* "YOU WOULD LET US BE OURSELF"
* Half-bat, half-feathered wings. So... want to actually, you know, describe what that looks like?
* Broken wing underreaction
* “GET..out!”
Don't mind if I do.
8729845
Sweetheart, and I don't mean to be patronizing, this is exactly the wrong attitude to take in a community dedicated to writing and enjoying the results of it. If you're writing about yourself, for yourself, that is the sort of thing one puts in a diary, or keeps in a folder for themselves on their computer.
You come to a writing community to share your ideas. I must stress that it IS your story to tell, but you are writing it for others to read and enjoy. As in, you are not your audience, which is what makes it community-based writing. It sounds like you're writing this for some form of catharsis - and while that is a thing some people do here, there are... degrees of separation, that make that at least acceptable. Certainly forgivable if the writing is of a high quality and engaging. I've seen people write stories using canon characters with very similar issues to their own in order to say goodbye to loved ones who've passed on, reconciliation between lovers or siblings or parents, anger at friends - but they're telling the story using characters that are either established and make sense for the issue at hand, or are building up OCs from the ground up to do so.
Celestia is... not a character who makes sense for what you're intending here as she is canonically wise, not terribly judgemental, warm, loving, playful, and just a touch of a brat when it comes to family - you are trying to portray an oppressive know-it-all 'mother knows best but is actually wrong' archetype using a character who is all about the freedom to do what you need to do and harmony between her people. On a personal note, from the tone of your writing, the way the OC alicorn is handling it, and the perspective of Celestia's general care for the niece, she honestly does sound like she's in the right here - so if you were trying to convey that she's doing something truly harmful and bad out of oppressive coddling or misplaced pride, this was not achieved yet.
Inserting a real-life religion randomly also immediately warrants an Alternate Universe tag and notification, which typically requires some worldbuilding as well, to show (in a natural way) the differences between your version of the world and its characters and how they are different from what we know of them.
You are going to get some very harsh criticism for this, and I cannot shield you from that. Hopefully no active flaming. But so far everyone who has posted to this point has been right based on my long years here and the millions upon millions of words that I've made my reading in this community. Please, listen to Masterweaver and take my earlier advice. You have writing ability, nurture it like a flower, make it grow. But the most important part of that is being able to take criticism without emotional entanglement so long as someone isn't straight up attacking you or demeaning you.
8729841
I totally understand. Like I say to everyone, write for fun and your own enjoyment, not for other people. You're not being paid to write. You're doing it for your own reasons. I'm glad you realize that and are willing to defend yourself and your choices despite the criticism. If writing helps you deal with your personal problems, keep going. I don't like to share my personal issues (I have a therapist who gets paid to listen to my problems for that) but if it helps, that's really great.
8729845
8729846
That's why I added that second comment in response to my first after mulling over the concept for a few seconds. The author doesn't have the skills yet to pull off something like this. More training and trial-and-error are required.
8729855
That sounds like a CaPItal ideA! Get it? Is joke...
Hoo boy. As long as you don't become another EV as far as writing goes, I'll be fine.
Hey do u mind if I draw the cover of this? don't worry I'm not stealing it
Did I just get memed? Is that was this feels like?
I'm gonna ride Aurora's coattails here and weigh in. It takes a lot of courage to post anything here, especially for the first time, and even more so when you're baring your soul. I hear you. I've done the same but I tried to make it subtle enough to be engaging without being obvious. It's okay to put some of yourself into your work but you must use discretion; your situation could be an engaging story if written well enough. You need a lot more practice and experience first. I suggest reading fics written by experienced authors who have gained a positive following, along with practicing your writing in a more private setting. It'll be a great confidence booster.
Best fan fiction ever. Praise him for his glorious work.
8729803
8729804
8729855
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8729872
You guys could be wasting your comments elsewhere. I mean... I'd love to help this person but you're going about this the wrong way. You're trying to point out what issues his/her writing has while ignoring the issue that this person doesn't want help. So unless you get him/her to calm down and realise help is needed... you're just gonna have a bad time.
8730109
thank you! this is not exactly my first fic. it just has a lot of mistakes because, i wrote it with an emotion battle inside me. and i am a her.
8730064
thank you. and i am a her.
8730038
thank you for your advice.
8730033
idk??
8729983
No i do not mind! go right ahead!
8729908
ok????
8729895
i have been writing for 4 years now. i am just bad at grammar, and such. plus this was written with an emotional battle raging inside me, as it still is.
8730155
Cool uh question I can't really see the cutieMark????
8730158
Then that would add to the issues as one can consider this as unstable writing. I would still highly recommend you work on your grammar. Writing for n amount of time and writing for n amount of time while improving yourself are two different things. Time does not bring wisdom. Research and experience does.
8730155
Oh ya also is that blue or purple mis t around moonshaodws eyes or no?
8730183
sea green, like her magic
8730167
it's a full moon with a dark cloud in the middle of it.
8730143
thank you!
8730156
What I'm saying is, don't become Fimfiction's next meme.
8730170
as your name applies, you truly are a psychopath. and not the good kind either. now, either get out of here or i'll let that creature lose that Moonshadow turned into, all up and down your writings.
8730196
i still have another story coming out. that hopefully will be approved soon.