Kusayako
Joined 18th Sep, 2015 ·
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What if the what if thing became Twilight's what if moment?
Hmm.... so far this is looking splendid. I will follow this for now, though i must say that the fact this fic has the non-con tag worries me greatly...
Color me interested. First time I think I've read a story with this kind of premise. Just one question at the moment. Will Celestia's previous students make an appearance?
Cause I want to see what's up with them.
I haven't read it, but I already hate it.
I hate it because I already had this idea and you beat me too it! XP So, props for that.
You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention....
Other than a few errors, (not surprising, since you did mention that English wasn't your first language, which makes me believe you speak another language like Russian, Spanish or Japanese), this looks very well done! I hope to see more of this!
8719432
why not write yours too but read this one a go in different takes than what this one does for instance in this one she was 400 years ago but sunset will be the protagonist in yours you write the same 400 years but she uses a spell to hide her wings until after nightmare moon or some other situation and keep her as the protagonist
8719555
Thank you so much! I hope I will not disappoint you!
8719299
It won't be as bad as it looks (well, I hope XD), right now I'm just thinking about mentioning that rather than write it in the story :P
Hi! Thank you so much for following!
8719380
Hi! Of course, they will, though I don't like to write OCs in a fanfic, I suppose it will be inevitable. I hope not to disappoint ^^
8719432
YOU HAD THIS IDEA? WRITE IT, I BEG YOU, I LOVE YOUR WORKS!
8719584
Thank you! I was prepared to have some errors and I'm looking for someone who could help me. My first language is Hungarian by the way :P
8720051
Not sure if I understand it correctly, but I agree
8719271
uuuum, what? XD Sorry, I don't believe I understand XD
8720371
Just having some fun with your short description.
8720386
I see! Fair enough, I had a terrible time writing that XD It became a disaster XD
8720396
We all had our moments. You're not the first one.
I've found a few errors
and nickpicks.Doubled phrase, suggest changing the first to behind her or something of the like.
This is a very strange sentence. Perhaps she became aware of her surroundings?
Typically it's spelt yay, but that doesn't matter very much.
Hooves.
Princess's.
8720933
Thank you so much! I'll correct them^^
8720933
Okey, done! Thanks again ^^
Rework those parts since otherwise that part makes little sense grammar wise.
8720952
Done. Thank you so much!
Very well done! Looking forward to seeing the next chapter!
8721078
still missing something....
between those two words you are missing something. the structure of the sentence suffers for this error.
8721104
There had been a "have" between them but I was told to correct that and I can't think of anything else. Had? Has? Any ideas?
8721101
Thank you! <3
Good, now I want more!
Celestia Had never been blablahblah
Cause your using a description of celestia, and it's in the past, if it where to be at the "now" you should use had
8721195
Thank you!
How much of a grammar Nazi do you need i see misspells and undecided ends to sentences but i hesitate to complain because i used spellcheck on 11 words so far and i suck at grimmer on my own this is my first comment on this site so pleas tell me the proper way to inform you of the needed alterations hind site is after all perfect, and don't ask for punctuation advise as you can see i don't write much but i read too much. written at 11:26 2/8/18
This is a fun story, looking forward to seeing more.
[Ships FlutterTwi before any actual in story reason]
.
8721356
usually on this site, most just quote and then state the correction, along with an optional pleasantry such as "I hope this helps" or something along those lines.
if it's something people make a mistake on quite often such as "to, two, and too" you might point the general rules.
as long as you're not rude, most don't mind the help.
8721356
I would appreciate the help in any form. If you take your time to write it down for me the least I can do is correct them and thank you^^
piece should be peace. and
okey should be Okay or just use Ok
8721454
Done. Thank you for your help ^^
Congratulations on making it to the featured box. I would personally suggest looking through the groups for one based around editing/proofreading to see if you could obtain assistance before publishing the next chapter.
Just a suggestion. The overall quality of the premise and prose so far has been enough for me to overlook the multitude of errors so far, but the heightened visibility of being a featured story may lead to others judging far more harshly.
So OC alicorn Twilight become unicorn Sunset's senior advisor? Interesting.
wings
letter
Not gonna read this.
Unneeded line that only makes the rest of the description repetitive.
Run-on sentence and could be far more shortened
The first half of this sentence is made redundant by the sentence before it, and the second is made redundant by the sentence after it.
Asks for help. Also, unneeded. this sentence not only spoils the enemy of the story but also overburdens the reader with exposition.
Run-on sentence, and most of it is entirely unneeded.
And this doesn't belong on any form of work that tries to claim at being good. If you need to say this then you already know that you consider these things bad. The Violence Warning is made entirely redundant by the Tag system. and because of the tag system I feel that this is missing the notable warning of RAPE implied by the Non-Con Tag.
I've said this before and i'll say it again. this sort of thing belongs on ff.net, not in my goddamn feature box.
If you would like some actual advice to improve both this and your writing as a whole I would recommend you control your character biases when writing and use a Summary more similar to, say, this:
A bit on the shorter side so it could fit into the Window Summary better. Also I made that up in less then a minute.
I read this a couple of hours ago but am commenting now, you have my attention, what will you do with it?
8721877
Shut up already god your anoying this story was great!
You have a non-con tag without an accompanying sex tag. Please explain.
may read later when author improves
8721877
A good story can and will overcome bad grammar. Only a fool nit picks about how dirty the ground is and fail to see the forest.
8722229
But bad grammar can make a good story unreadable, and cause people to drift away in the early parts.
This fic, however, has only less than perfect grammar. It's not bad grammar, just not quite perfect. Thumbs up from me - so far.
Good story so far.
And practice makes perfect in the makings of a story, this I've come to notice over on fanfiction.net.
Keep it up!
Both 'than's in this paragraph should be 'then' instead.
Than is for measurement: Greater than, less than, or comparisons such as 'I would rather do this than this.'
Then is for time: Back then, and then this happened. Then he/she said.
8721115
I think it would be worded the best as follows: "I don't know much about alicorns, and Celestia was never injured while I was at the palace."
Also, towards the beginning of this chapter, Rainbow Dash had a line: “At least she awoke.” Said Rainbow Dash, while Rarity put away the dishes.
That word, awoke, is a bit out of character for our favorite hot headed pegasus. It's too... well if I'm being blunt it's too smart. She would Say: "Hey, at least she woke up."
I don't know what your first two chapters looked like before all of the feedback you got, but this isn't too bad. With practice you will understand better, and eventually you'll have almost no mistakes at all. Faved and upvoted, I'll be watching this one.
8721877
I've said this before and I'll say it again, people this unbelievably arrogant and elitist belong on FF.net, not in my goddamn FIMFIC community. Because, clearly, it belongs to me and I can be a dick to people whenever I want.
Also, for someone looking down on a writer, especially one who's ESL, you have a goodly number of errors in your own post degrading them and essentially telling them to fuck off the site. Were you going for irony or are you just a hypocrite?
Sounds like a neat idea for a fic. I'll start reading it when there are more chapters, as i am a binge-er of the most mediocre level.