• Member Since 18th Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen July 5th

Kusayako


Comments ( 143 )

What if the what if thing became Twilight's what if moment?

Hmm.... so far this is looking splendid. I will follow this for now, though i must say that the fact this fic has the non-con tag worries me greatly...

Color me interested. First time I think I've read a story with this kind of premise. Just one question at the moment. Will Celestia's previous students make an appearance?

Cause I want to see what's up with them.

I haven't read it, but I already hate it.

I hate it because I already had this idea and you beat me too it! XP So, props for that.

You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention....

Other than a few errors, (not surprising, since you did mention that English wasn't your first language, which makes me believe you speak another language like Russian, Spanish or Japanese), this looks very well done! I hope to see more of this!

8719432
why not write yours too but read this one a go in different takes than what this one does for instance in this one she was 400 years ago but sunset will be the protagonist in yours you write the same 400 years but she uses a spell to hide her wings until after nightmare moon or some other situation and keep her as the protagonist

8719555
Thank you so much! I hope I will not disappoint you!:twilightsmile::raritystarry:

8719299
Hi! Thank you so much for following! :raritystarry: It won't be as bad as it looks (well, I hope XD), right now I'm just thinking about mentioning that rather than write it in the story :P

8719380
Hi! Of course, they will, though I don't like to write OCs in a fanfic, I suppose it will be inevitable. I hope not to disappoint ^^

8719432
YOU HAD THIS IDEA? WRITE IT, I BEG YOU, I LOVE YOUR WORKS!

8719584
Thank you! I was prepared to have some errors and I'm looking for someone who could help me. My first language is Hungarian by the way :P

8720051
Not sure if I understand it correctly, but I agree :pinkiehappy:

8719271
uuuum, what? XD Sorry, I don't believe I understand XD

8720371

What if Twilight Sparkle was born four hundred years earlier. What if she became an alicorn? The Alicorn of Magic. What if she went on a long travel to study every kind of magic? And what if she was called back home?

Just having some fun with your short description.:twilightsmile:

8720386
I see! Fair enough, I had a terrible time writing that XD It became a disaster XD

8720396
We all had our moments. You're not the first one.:coolphoto:

I've found a few errors and nickpicks.

Sunset Shimmer was about to say something, when a groan was heard from the mare’s direction. Everypony turned into her direction.

Doubled phrase, suggest changing the first to behind her or something of the like.

Twilight slowly became aware of hear state. Firstly, she was in a huge amount of pain, so she clearly wasn’t dead. Yey?

This is a very strange sentence. Perhaps she became aware of her surroundings?
Typically it's spelt yay, but that doesn't matter very much.

Once she was standing on her hoofes, many ponies approached her with so many questions.

Hooves.

She was the Princesses student for Celestia’s sake! She’s got this!

Princess's.

8720933
Thank you so much! I'll correct them^^

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Sunset admitted while chewing n her lower lip for a moment. “I do not know much about alicorns and Celestia have never been injured while I was at the palace, let alone this badly.” Seeing their crestfallen expressions, she quickly added. “But alicorns are known as the most powerful race. Nearly immortals! I’m sure she will awake in a few hours.”

Rework those parts since otherwise that part makes little sense grammar wise.

Very well done! Looking forward to seeing the next chapter!

8721078
still missing something....

“I do not know much about alicorns and Celestia never been injured while I was at the palace.”

between those two words you are missing something. the structure of the sentence suffers for this error.

8721104
There had been a "have" between them but I was told to correct that and I can't think of anything else. Had? Has? Any ideas?

Good, now I want more!

Celestia Had never been blablahblah
Cause your using a description of celestia, and it's in the past, if it where to be at the "now" you should use had

How much of a grammar Nazi do you need i see misspells and undecided ends to sentences but i hesitate to complain because i used spellcheck on 11 words so far and i suck at grimmer on my own this is my first comment on this site so pleas tell me the proper way to inform you of the needed alterations hind site is after all perfect, and don't ask for punctuation advise as you can see i don't write much but i read too much. written at 11:26 2/8/18

This is a fun story, looking forward to seeing more.
[Ships FlutterTwi before any actual in story reason]
.

8721356
usually on this site, most just quote and then state the correction, along with an optional pleasantry such as "I hope this helps" or something along those lines.

if it's something people make a mistake on quite often such as "to, two, and too" you might point the general rules.

as long as you're not rude, most don't mind the help.

8721356
I would appreciate the help in any form. If you take your time to write it down for me the least I can do is correct them and thank you^^

“surrender yourself in piece, or face me on the battlefield!”

piece should be peace. and

"It’s okey. Go back to the library.”

okey should be Okay or just use Ok

8721454
Done. Thank you for your help ^^

Congratulations on making it to the featured box. I would personally suggest looking through the groups for one based around editing/proofreading to see if you could obtain assistance before publishing the next chapter.

Just a suggestion. The overall quality of the premise and prose so far has been enough for me to overlook the multitude of errors so far, but the heightened visibility of being a featured story may lead to others judging far more harshly.

So OC alicorn Twilight become unicorn Sunset's senior advisor? Interesting.

spread her winds

wings

The mare took the latter

letter

Not gonna read this.

Twilight Sparkle was the Prized Student of Princess Celestia herself.

Unneeded line that only makes the rest of the description repetitive.

Four hundred years ago she was the third student of the princess, who managed to become an alicorn and just like the rest of them, she went on a journey with the purpose of learning about every magic of every country.

Run-on sentence and could be far more shortened

But now, after four hundred years of traveling across the world, she got a letter from the Princess.

The first half of this sentence is made redundant by the sentence before it, and the second is made redundant by the sentence after it.

Celestia called her back home. Her ancient enemies will start to rise again soon, and she ask for help.

Asks for help. Also, unneeded. this sentence not only spoils the enemy of the story but also overburdens the reader with exposition.

The Sun Alicorn assigned Twilight to be the senior of her faithful student, Sunset Shimmer and help her face every enemy that is thrown in her way.

Run-on sentence, and most of it is entirely unneeded.

This may contain:
- Character bashing (I'm looking at you, Trixie)
- OP!Twilight
- Violence, gore, assault

And this doesn't belong on any form of work that tries to claim at being good. If you need to say this then you already know that you consider these things bad. The Violence Warning is made entirely redundant by the Tag system. and because of the tag system I feel that this is missing the notable warning of RAPE implied by the Non-Con Tag.

I've said this before and i'll say it again. this sort of thing belongs on ff.net, not in my goddamn feature box.

If you would like some actual advice to improve both this and your writing as a whole I would recommend you control your character biases when writing and use a Summary more similar to, say, this:

After centuries abroad, Celestia has called her student Twilight Sparkle back home to act as Guardian and Mentor for Sunset Shimmer.

A bit on the shorter side so it could fit into the Window Summary better. Also I made that up in less then a minute.

I read this a couple of hours ago but am commenting now, you have my attention, what will you do with it?

8721877
Shut up already god your anoying this story was great!

You have a non-con tag without an accompanying sex tag. Please explain.

may read later when author improves

8721877
A good story can and will overcome bad grammar. Only a fool nit picks about how dirty the ground is and fail to see the forest.

8722229
But bad grammar can make a good story unreadable, and cause people to drift away in the early parts.

This fic, however, has only less than perfect grammar. It's not bad grammar, just not quite perfect. Thumbs up from me - so far.

Una

Good story so far. :heart: And practice makes perfect in the makings of a story, this I've come to notice over on fanfiction.net.

Keep it up!

While chatting a little over the pie they ate, Twilight’s heart was filled with a warm feeling. Just like back than, when she was young and the farm was smaller but just as energetic. She told them about the family members she knew back than and they promised to introduce her to everypony, as soon as the celebrations were over.

Both 'than's in this paragraph should be 'then' instead.
Than is for measurement: Greater than, less than, or comparisons such as 'I would rather do this than this.'
Then is for time: Back then, and then this happened. Then he/she said.

8721115
I think it would be worded the best as follows: "I don't know much about alicorns, and Celestia was never injured while I was at the palace."

Also, towards the beginning of this chapter, Rainbow Dash had a line: “At least she awoke.” Said Rainbow Dash, while Rarity put away the dishes.

That word, awoke, is a bit out of character for our favorite hot headed pegasus. It's too... well if I'm being blunt it's too smart. She would Say: "Hey, at least she woke up."

I don't know what your first two chapters looked like before all of the feedback you got, but this isn't too bad. With practice you will understand better, and eventually you'll have almost no mistakes at all. Faved and upvoted, I'll be watching this one.

8721877

I've said this before and i'll say it again. this sort of thing belongs on ff.net, not in my goddamn feature box.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, people this unbelievably arrogant and elitist belong on FF.net, not in my goddamn FIMFIC community. Because, clearly, it belongs to me and I can be a dick to people whenever I want.

Also, for someone looking down on a writer, especially one who's ESL, you have a goodly number of errors in your own post degrading them and essentially telling them to fuck off the site. Were you going for irony or are you just a hypocrite?

Sounds like a neat idea for a fic. I'll start reading it when there are more chapters, as i am a binge-er of the most mediocre level.

Login or register to comment