“Honestly, I don’t know.” Sunset admitted while chewing n her lower lip for a moment. “I do not know much about alicorns and Celestia have never been injured while I was at the palace, let alone this badly.” Seeing their crestfallen expressions, she quickly added. “But alicorns are known as the most powerful race. Nearly immortals! I’m sure she will awake in a few hours.”
Rework those parts since otherwise that part makes little sense grammar wise.
Celestia Had never been blablahblah Cause your using a description of celestia, and it's in the past, if it where to be at the "now" you should use had
Congratulations on making it to the featured box. I would personally suggest looking through the groups for one based around editing/proofreading to see if you could obtain assistance before publishing the next chapter.
Just a suggestion. The overall quality of the premise and prose so far has been enough for me to overlook the multitude of errors so far, but the heightened visibility of being a featured story may lead to others judging far more harshly.
Twilight Sparkle was the Prized Student of Princess Celestia herself.
Unneeded line that only makes the rest of the description repetitive.
Four hundred years ago she was the third student of the princess, who managed to become an alicorn and just like the rest of them, she went on a journey with the purpose of learning about every magic of every country.
Run-on sentence and could be far more shortened
But now, after four hundred years of traveling across the world, she got a letter from the Princess.
The first half of this sentence is made redundant by the sentence before it, and the second is made redundant by the sentence after it.
Celestia called her back home. Her ancient enemies will start to rise again soon, and she ask for help.
Asks for help. Also, unneeded. this sentence not only spoils the enemy of the story but also overburdens the reader with exposition.
The Sun Alicorn assigned Twilight to be the senior of her faithful student, Sunset Shimmer and help her face every enemy that is thrown in her way.
Run-on sentence, and most of it is entirely unneeded.
This may contain: - Character bashing (I'm looking at you, Trixie) - OP!Twilight - Violence, gore, assault
And this doesn't belong on any form of work that tries to claim at being good. If you need to say this then you already know that you consider these things bad. The Violence Warning is made entirely redundant by the Tag system. and because of the tag system I feel that this is missing the notable warning of RAPE implied by the Non-Con Tag.
I've said this before and i'll say it again. this sort of thing belongs on ff.net, not in my goddamn feature box.
If you would like some actual advice to improve both this and your writing as a whole I would recommend you control your character biases when writing and use a Summary more similar to, say, this:
After centuries abroad, Celestia has called her student Twilight Sparkle back home to act as Guardian and Mentor for Sunset Shimmer.
A bit on the shorter side so it could fit into the Window Summary better. Also I made that up in less then a minute.
8721115 I think it would be worded the best as follows: "I don't know much about alicorns, and Celestia was never injured while I was at the palace."
Also, towards the beginning of this chapter, Rainbow Dash had a line: “At least she awoke.” Said Rainbow Dash, while Rarity put away the dishes.
That word, awoke, is a bit out of character for our favorite hot headed pegasus. It's too... well if I'm being blunt it's too smart. She would Say: "Hey, at least she woke up."
I don't know what your first two chapters looked like before all of the feedback you got, but this isn't too bad. With practice you will understand better, and eventually you'll have almost no mistakes at all. Faved and upvoted, I'll be watching this one.
I've said this before and i'll say it again. this sort of thing belongs on ff.net, not in my goddamn feature box.
I've said this before and I'll say it again, people this unbelievably arrogant and elitist belong on FF.net, not in my goddamn FIMFIC community. Because, clearly, it belongs to me and I can be a dick to people whenever I want.
Also, for someone looking down on a writer, especially one who's ESL, you have a goodly number of errors in your own post degrading them and essentially telling them to fuck off the site. Were you going for irony or are you just a hypocrite?
8722376 Thank you for the suggestions! I will use them. And thank you for your king words and your faith in me >< I've been reading in English for a while now and I have a hard time writing on it, because my school takes Romanian more seriously and we just scratch the surface. (Yes, I'm from Transylvania, but sadly not a vampire... yet :P) So thank you. I really appreciate the help because I love English and I would like to speak it as correct as possible.
8722147 It's easy. At least we have it like this on the other site I used to write. If you mention rape as a past experience, or the trauma it caused, then you don't have to add the sex tag because you won't be describing the act just the aftereffects. But I can correct it if this is different here, or it bothers anypony ^^
I don’t think I’ll be reading this one, but good on you for not letting the criticism get you down. Improving your writing is a process that takes time, after all.
8722229 But here's a thought; what if something on said metaphorical ground gives you Ebola when you stumble into it gazing at the majesty of life?
Writing is admirable in and of itself, especially so when one is willing to put it forward into any form of public scrutiny. It takes bravery that I sorely lack (or one might argue that a muse has never quite struck me) to do so as it engenders a risk of harsh criticism. In the interest of being entirely honest I do things like this as a sort of bait towards the most 'stereotypical' works on this site that manage to reach the feature box. As I might have said during my opening 'salvo' I dislike the idea of the Author acknowledging things that are flawed with their story yet not trying to fix it and instead almost advertising it as a feature of the work. To me it stinks of the worst tripe that the Naruto community on ff.net pushes upwards into the spotlight.
When I have the free time and the will to do it I might do a form of beta reading for the early chapters of the story, to give actual constructive criticism.
Very happy to give this a thumbs up. Great story so far, with a lot of potential for something epic. Characters seem relatable, world building is steady. Nothing so far seems like an “info dump” but I still feel like I have a grasp on the world you are creating.
This is really great. I know you said English isn't your first language, but it would probably be best to have an editor who can clear up the little mistakes you have in here. Keep writing though. This is a story I desperately hope will be written to the end.
I've found a few errors
and nickpicks.Doubled phrase, suggest changing the first to behind her or something of the like.
This is a very strange sentence. Perhaps she became aware of her surroundings?
Typically it's spelt yay, but that doesn't matter very much.
Hooves.
Princess's.
8720933
Thank you so much! I'll correct them^^
8720933
Okey, done! Thanks again ^^
Rework those parts since otherwise that part makes little sense grammar wise.
8720952
Done. Thank you so much!
Very well done! Looking forward to seeing the next chapter!
8721078
still missing something....
between those two words you are missing something. the structure of the sentence suffers for this error.
8721104
There had been a "have" between them but I was told to correct that and I can't think of anything else. Had? Has? Any ideas?
8721101
Thank you! <3
Good, now I want more!
Celestia Had never been blablahblah
Cause your using a description of celestia, and it's in the past, if it where to be at the "now" you should use had
8721195
Thank you!
This is a fun story, looking forward to seeing more.
[Ships FlutterTwi before any actual in story reason]
.
Congratulations on making it to the featured box. I would personally suggest looking through the groups for one based around editing/proofreading to see if you could obtain assistance before publishing the next chapter.
Just a suggestion. The overall quality of the premise and prose so far has been enough for me to overlook the multitude of errors so far, but the heightened visibility of being a featured story may lead to others judging far more harshly.
So OC alicorn Twilight become unicorn Sunset's senior advisor? Interesting.
Not gonna read this.
Unneeded line that only makes the rest of the description repetitive.
Run-on sentence and could be far more shortened
The first half of this sentence is made redundant by the sentence before it, and the second is made redundant by the sentence after it.
Asks for help. Also, unneeded. this sentence not only spoils the enemy of the story but also overburdens the reader with exposition.
Run-on sentence, and most of it is entirely unneeded.
And this doesn't belong on any form of work that tries to claim at being good. If you need to say this then you already know that you consider these things bad. The Violence Warning is made entirely redundant by the Tag system. and because of the tag system I feel that this is missing the notable warning of RAPE implied by the Non-Con Tag.
I've said this before and i'll say it again. this sort of thing belongs on ff.net, not in my goddamn feature box.
If you would like some actual advice to improve both this and your writing as a whole I would recommend you control your character biases when writing and use a Summary more similar to, say, this:
A bit on the shorter side so it could fit into the Window Summary better. Also I made that up in less then a minute.
I read this a couple of hours ago but am commenting now, you have my attention, what will you do with it?
8721877
Shut up already god your anoying this story was great!
You have a non-con tag without an accompanying sex tag. Please explain.
may read later when author improves
8721877
A good story can and will overcome bad grammar. Only a fool nit picks about how dirty the ground is and fail to see the forest.
8722229
But bad grammar can make a good story unreadable, and cause people to drift away in the early parts.
This fic, however, has only less than perfect grammar. It's not bad grammar, just not quite perfect. Thumbs up from me - so far.
Good story so far. And practice makes perfect in the makings of a story, this I've come to notice over on fanfiction.net.
Keep it up!
8721115
I think it would be worded the best as follows: "I don't know much about alicorns, and Celestia was never injured while I was at the palace."
Also, towards the beginning of this chapter, Rainbow Dash had a line: “At least she awoke.” Said Rainbow Dash, while Rarity put away the dishes.
That word, awoke, is a bit out of character for our favorite hot headed pegasus. It's too... well if I'm being blunt it's too smart. She would Say: "Hey, at least she woke up."
I don't know what your first two chapters looked like before all of the feedback you got, but this isn't too bad. With practice you will understand better, and eventually you'll have almost no mistakes at all. Faved and upvoted, I'll be watching this one.
8721877
I've said this before and I'll say it again, people this unbelievably arrogant and elitist belong on FF.net, not in my goddamn FIMFIC community. Because, clearly, it belongs to me and I can be a dick to people whenever I want.
Also, for someone looking down on a writer, especially one who's ESL, you have a goodly number of errors in your own post degrading them and essentially telling them to fuck off the site. Were you going for irony or are you just a hypocrite?
Sounds like a neat idea for a fic. I'll start reading it when there are more chapters, as i am a binge-er of the most mediocre level.
8722376
Thank you for the suggestions! I will use them. And thank you for your king words and your faith in me >< I've been reading in English for a while now and I have a hard time writing on it, because my school takes Romanian more seriously and we just scratch the surface. (Yes, I'm from Transylvania, but sadly not a vampire... yet :P)
So thank you. I really appreciate the help because I love English and I would like to speak it as correct as possible.
8722592
Thank you! I'll wait for you
8722316
Thank you for your fate in me! <3
8722171
Okay, thanks for staying this long ^^
8722147
It's easy. At least we have it like this on the other site I used to write. If you mention rape as a past experience, or the trauma it caused, then you don't have to add the sex tag because you won't be describing the act just the aftereffects. But I can correct it if this is different here, or it bothers anypony ^^
8721525
Thank you for your advice, I'll find a way to improve my grammar as soon as possible ><
Is Twilight 4000+ or 400+?
I swear the description said one and this chapter said another.
8722698
She is 400+. Where did I misspell?
8722698
Never mind, I found it. Thanks for alerting me ^^
8722722
I swear sunset said four thousand instead of hundred, but assuming you didn’t go back and edit it that was my bad.
8722728
I edited it. ^^ Thank you :)
I don’t think I’ll be reading this one, but good on you for not letting the criticism get you down. Improving your writing is a process that takes time, after all.
8722229
But here's a thought; what if something on said metaphorical ground gives you Ebola when you stumble into it gazing at the majesty of life?
Writing is admirable in and of itself, especially so when one is willing to put it forward into any form of public scrutiny. It takes bravery that I sorely lack (or one might argue that a muse has never quite struck me) to do so as it engenders a risk of harsh criticism. In the interest of being entirely honest I do things like this as a sort of bait towards the most 'stereotypical' works on this site that manage to reach the feature box. As I might have said during my opening 'salvo' I dislike the idea of the Author acknowledging things that are flawed with their story yet not trying to fix it and instead almost advertising it as a feature of the work. To me it stinks of the worst tripe that the Naruto community on ff.net pushes upwards into the spotlight.
When I have the free time and the will to do it I might do a form of beta reading for the early chapters of the story, to give actual constructive criticism.
It should be With no c in there
EDIT: Also you got my attention.... keep it up
8722985
Thank you! ^^
Very happy to give this a thumbs up. Great story so far, with a lot of potential for something epic. Characters seem relatable, world building is steady. Nothing so far seems like an “info dump” but I still feel like I have a grasp on the world you are creating.
I look forward to reading more, best of luck👍
8723113
Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope I can keep up your attention and not to disappoint ^^
non con tag with out the sex tag? forced snuggles?
8723525
Reference to past experience, without clearly mentioning rape.
good story
8723595
Thank you ^^
8723675
welcome makes me wonder about how the rest of the story after nmm is over
This is really great. I know you said English isn't your first language, but it would probably be best to have an editor who can clear up the little mistakes you have in here. Keep writing though. This is a story I desperately hope will be written to the end.
I can't wait to see this story through to the end!! Wonderful beginning, can't wait for so much more.
I would gladly be your editor if you need one. I see so much potential here.