Chapter 1
Two suits floated on each side of Jet Set as he looked at his reflected image in the mirror with a critical eye.
He squinted. There seemed to be a slight imperfection on his right cheek. Was it… No, just a speck of dust on the mirror. For an instant he had feared something as plebeian as dirt had marred his visage.
He harrumphed and brought the left suit forward, a burgundy jacket with a lighter toned waistcoat, the hate of the tailor who made them still radiating out like a toxic aura, manifesting in aggressive–some would say restraining-order worthy–modernity and a pernicious seam ready to chafe on his neck.
He frowned, then floated it aside. The other suit, a black tailcoat with a classic cut bobbed up and down in front of him.
"Upper Crust, sweetheart, give me a suggestion for Day Court. Should I go with the classic"–the tailcoat floated up–"or do you think it would be better to make a statement with…with that?" He pointed a hoof at the other set of clothes.
From outside the room came his wife's voice. "Usual day court or do you have to present a petition?"
"Petition day, dear. I will ask Celestia for a ten-year tax moratorium for the Macintosh Hills quarries, a diversion of funds from education to incentives for the buying of luxury sky-chariots, and for the reintroduction of indentured servitude."
"Oh, then the tailcoat. Trampling on the rights of lower class ponies requires something traditional. A more flamboyant attire would be in bad taste."
"You are right, my love." He put the coat on a ponequin standing beside the mirror before returning his attention to his reflection. He raised his muzzle, glared indignantly, harrumphed again, and was shocked and scandalized.
"Jet Set, do you want me to come?"
In the right side of the mirror, he saw Upper Crust standing in the door frame. Her silvery mane combed up and woven around a daring wire structure ready to give architects everywhere either a stroke or inspirational material for decades to come. The results of said inspiration would then give other architects conniptions, perpetrating an ever growing cycle of horror and bad engineering decisions. He was so proud of her.
"No need, snugglepuss, this will be a pretty stiff affair. We are in a traditional round, so it won't be anything you hadn't already seen a dozen times over." A procession of virtually identical bow ties floated up to him. "And Lord Tea Time will open the dances, so I expect some long-winded, boring petition devoid of any kind of inspiration." He glared at one of the bow ties, nodded and brought it over to the tailcoat.
"Lord Tea Time? He swore he would retire. What's he doing there?"
"His successor wasn't ready yet." Jet Set turned to the oppressive dresser table on the side. "Still put some verve and emotion in his delivery, and we can't have that. No, poor Tea Time will have to haunt the court for another while."
"At least that means we can organize a proper farewell tea party. I think I should be able to get the Western Park closed for the occasion, maybe I can even time it in such a way as to block some school-trips from visiting, the season is right for that."
Jet Set looked up at his wife and smiled. There she sat, her perfectly polished hoof tapping on her chin. A simple gesture, and yet capable of expressing disdain for anypony whose ancestors didn't come from a small, self-selected cadre of arrogant fools. And she was doing all that just for him.
"That would be wonderful, honeybun. I'm sure Tea Time would love such a show of devotion." He thought about all the little foals sitting outside the barriers, longing for the pond with the ducks, the exotic flower-beds, the perfectly cured meadows.
And his mask cracked.
Jet Set bit his lip and turned away. He took a deep breath, then another one then felt a hoof on his shoulder.
"You don't have to go, you know." There was concern in Upper Crust's voice. "We have done enough, we can do like Sapphire Shores."
He snorted. "We shall certainly not do like her. Leaving her place like that, that's not something any self-respecting noble shall do!" His voice became stronger, his inflection changed and somewhere an orphan felt despised. Jet Set stood straighter and stomped with his hoof. "She squandered a legacy, and I shall not do the same to six centuries of trying to weasel through unequine legislation and carefully cultivated obnoxiousness. We can't abandon Princess Celestia and leave her without our counsel."
"But dear, Princess Luna is back, she doesn't need us anymore."
"Hah, that new Princess is just a fad, exactly like the gold-digger Cadance and that upstart Twilight. They won't endure, not as nobility."
Upper Crust sat on her haunches and clopped her hooves together. "Wonderful recovery, my love. I knew you could come back from that." She leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. "I'm sure you will be promoted to Night Court pretty soon."
A smile crept on his muzzle. "One can hope. Think of the prestige of finding completely new ways to challenge her and keep her engaged." A deep breath, then he said, "But you may have been on something. Maybe there is something more important. Maybe… Maybe, in a couple of decades, we could retire. I was thinking of taking somepony as secretary, then we can introduce him into the family in a while and then he could take my place."
"Really?" Upper Crust asked, her ears perking up.
"Indeed, I thought–" He didn't manage to finish the sentence as Upper Crust's forelegs closed around him.
"Thank you, my love." She crushed him some more, his bones creaked, then she let him go. "We will finally able to open the petting zoo-orphanage-charity we always dreamed of."
"We will, but for now, I have to be ready to entertain the Princess, give her something to fight. She gave us a thousand years of prosperity and peace, giving her another twenty years of skirmishes is just a small price. We are responsible for her happiness, after all." He looked to a small icon hanging on the wall depicting a reddish earth pony wearing an antiquated straw hat and a giant apple in the background. "Just a bit longer, my little mousie. And remember the words of our prophet."
They spoke simultaneously, their voices united in well-trained rhythm. "Ya're all a bunch of good-fer-nothin' varminth dumber than a bag of rocks. I bet Celestia keeps ya'round just for a laugh."
Jet Set smiled and hugged his wife. He glanced at the dresser table. "I think I should wear something completely and utterly useless for the occasion. Want to help me choose some cuffs?"
A serene smile graced Celestia's features. It always did. She had trained long and hard to be able to show a calm and caring facade. Colonoscopy or removing a shard of glass from the frog of her hoof made no difference, she would never waver.
And yet she felt she was on the brink of giving up. Lord Tea Time, the fifty sixth of his line and forty ninth carrying the name, was talking. And like every one of his namesakes before, he was long-winded, unimaginative and, every now and then, offensively bland. She glanced up, to the back of the room, where a little mob of nobles was waiting, clothed in a style that promised a long day of horrendous petitions, futile attempts to destroy the rights of the common pony, and proposals written by what she assumed was an illiterate and clinically insane cockatrice.
Her attention returned to the old pony talking. She saw his lips move, she heard sounds come out, and she still had no idea what he wanted. She never did.
This was it. This was the last drop.
Tonight she would talk to Luna. They would prepare, it would take some time, but in a decade or two she could finally go Daybreaker, get some stress out with topically applied arson, and then she would get a couple of centuries, maybe even a millennium, of peace on the sun.
Luna owed her that much.
The pony continued, his voice a monotonous metronome, each tack another overblown verbal pustule seeping banality.
It was time to take names and start making lists.
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It really unsettled the Royal Gastroenterologist.
In any case, best noble headcanon I've ever heard. A shame Celestia isn't in on the joke. Who knows? Maybe the charity puppy orphanage will stop her rampage out of sheer shock.
Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
Ah, yes. A brilliant idea where the rich and noble can pay a small fee to pet and feed orphans (remembering to thoroughly wash their hooves after). Half of all profits go to helping the rich not have to pay so much on taxes, while a small portion -- .00001% -- goes to helping those less fortunate.
At least they have a use!
8719252
Generally being responsible for the health and all the squicky stuff related to alicorns is a stressful job with a high burnout rate.
"Princess, you should really keep your pressure under control."
"Oh, I know, your grand-mother told me the same."
"Well, yes, but--"
"And her grand-father too."
"I mean--"
"His mother didn't, but then we didn't know about the issue."
8719296
Well, a life dedicated to poking a bear deserves some kind of reward.
8719326
They are very dedicated to their job.
The only question I have is: was Celestia originally in on the conspiracy, and just forgot? Or did their ancestors just come up with this torment to satisfy what they saw as Celestia's need for self-flagellation?
I mean, why wouldn't an immortal Caesar need an entire cast of slaves whispering in her ear, if her triumph never ended? Especially if 'remember, you are mortal' would be, in point of fact, a blatant lie?
8719345
You mean to tell me the Apple family is the cause of all the bad nobles the Two Sisters have to put up with?!?
Why Granny Smith, why?
8719491
since when is Grenny Smith reddish?
8719636
Ah, you're right. Totally missed the "Red Earth Pony" bit.
Probably her father then...
8719647 No, he's kinda brownish-colored, if I remember what he looked like in the Family Appreciation Day episode correctly.
Everybody is an example. Some positive, some negative.
Why do I see Celestia going this way when she finally snaps.
The nobles will have no one to blame but themselves.
Okay, yeah, this works. This works so damn well, given the nature of ponykind we see.
Indeed, too bad that Celestia isn't in on the joke! (I like to imagine that Luna figured it out in a week after her return, and is tremendously enjoying doing her part in the charade.)
8719647
8719636
The prophet is far more ancient.
After the first, disastrous Gran Galloping Gala there was almost a risk of schism, as the descendant of the Prophet was there and was throwing pies around (nopony is sure how things exactly went, but that's what they choose to believe) and her friends where wrecking everything. There had been long discussions about if this meant they had to follow new rules (involving pies to the face) or not. After Twilight's ascension it was decreed that the Ponyvillian Destroyers (name is a work in progress) clearly were fated to be a pain in the flank of the newest princess, and that things in Canterlot should be carried on according to tradition.
Nopony ever accused them of being too bright.
8720254
It's a dirty job, but somepony hos to do it. Allegedly.
8720278
She has a lot of time to prepare it. One can't go mad on the spur of the moment, you need a good choreography, a decent sound-track, and somepony to get the light just right.
8720598
Even if Luna doesn't figure it out, she may be the kind of pony who sincerely enjoys it.
There's a lot of mileage to get out of "What if everypony is fundamentally good and their motivations are (kinda) pure?"
This is hilariously ridiculous!
Dang do I love this! A romantic look at the Royal Order of Straw Mares. Does Blueblood lead them? How did Fancy Pants get out?
I want to see exactly one noble try this with Twilight, just show up every day outside her castle in a silly suit, loudly petitioning for dragons to be reclassified as non-sapient or something. (Loudly because he'd probably have to shout it through a locked door).
8721163
Glad you liked it
8721393
Well, there was one (an heretic, as Twilight already had her own, personal disruptors) but he didn't last long. Ponyvillians have opinions too, and they tend to express them with a lot of enthusiasm. A plow was involved.
8720095
Good point. Not everypony with a southern or country accent is an Apple after all...
8721573 Thank you.
And this is true.
I wish Celestia knew what was actually going on there. This seems like more of a tragic misunderstanding than anything, but seeing things from Jet Set's perspective was hilarious!
8721543 So he's not just a heretic, but a martyr? I hope they poured some sherry on the curb for brave Snoot Snootington at the next Canterlot Garden Party.
8721676
It is a bit tragic, no doubt about that.
8721715
They'll put his name on a proposal for outlawing plows. It's the highest honor one can get.
8721768 Someone needs to tell these people about Flim and Flam's automobile, so they can start petitioning Celestia to put car parks everywhere.
I have no idea what the hay was happening there at the end. All I got was that now Celestia is counting down to when she can go "Beautiful Flameing Goddess of Death" on Equestria.
Not sure how that's gonna work out though.
I'm not exactly sure what's going on here. I mean, I know that nobles are usually strawpones and I can understand this fic was doing on that level, but the conspiracy is lost on me.
This is slightly heartbreaking but also absolutely hilarious. XD; Poor Celestia... and poor nobles, unintentionally pushing their Princess towards going supervillain.
8721836
8721980
Well, I basically thought back to all those times you find in stories, for some reason, horrible nobles pestering Celestia even after centuries where she pushed back against them. And so I asked myself, why do they do that? And so here we have them doing it to keep Celestia entertained, challenged, to give her something to fight. It's just that nopony thought about asking Celestia if she want to do this, pushing her slowly over the brink. And so here we have the seeds of tragedy germinating on a field of misunderstandings and poor communication.
8722205
I seem to have developed a bit of a taste for tragic-comedies in the last months.
8742289
Apocalyptic freak-outs without a good photography are just cheap.
Still as one-dimensional as ever, this pair.
8777711
Fair assessment.
Nice! Reminds me of a Shirley Jackson story.
8852071
I had to look her up.
And add some more books to my "Read it Later" list. I hope you are happy
8853045
That comparison was a high compliment, BTW! One Ordinary Day with Peanuts is the story I was thinking of, but you should read The Lottery, too; it's a classic!
Delirious!
This was time well spent. :D
9430432
Wonderful
11708925
Lovely
Thank you so much!