Story takes place after season 7. This is my OC's origin story and is a partial self-insert. I tend to go back and edit this at times with and without criticism to hopefully better the story for future readers.
Hi my name is blaze well that's my pony name my actual name is joe. This is my story of how I was pulled into equestria with no way back. my new life in equestria started off great. But good things don't last forever and it all went down hill so fast. I don't how it happened or why the key thing I remember was watching my little pony when out of nowhere my whole life changed. that cursed show gave me my dream of being able to live in equestria. But it also gave me my greatest fear. The fear of the unknown in an unknown world.
I didn't ask to be pulled into equestria but it happened anyway and I need to face it my friends and family are gone. But its not like I had many friends in the first place but, the few I had where precious to me and I can never see them again. But at least I have the pony’s to fill the void... right?...
I can tell this is really rough. If you're having problems with spelling, then just get Grammarly. It's really useful...
Make sure you put some " in dialogues. It's really hard to read without those really useful bastards.
Most of the stuff I write is really improvised, no planning. I think of something and I write, don't know if that will help you. Shit just happens...
Thanks for the tips they will help alot
Oh. It's one of these stories.
...
...
Okay. Let's see how this'll turn out...
EDIT: Also, this desperately needs an editor.
“About a brony”
“THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC”
I feel like I’ve seen this before.
8822809
I wouldn't be surprised if it was Rage Reviews where you saw something similar.
8822912
It was a joke. If I had a dollar for every BiE (Brony in Equestria) story with poor grammar I've read, I'd be a wealthy man.
8823115
Yup.
Hum, still need a lot of work but I have seen a lot work, your writing gets steadily improved as you go along so you got that going for you at least. The main character is understandably in a rush, but it would have helped to have learned to at least know a little more about Joe background, as he also makes a lot of assumptions (being a brony and all) about characters would believe somehow, and the proof he provided is somewhat weak at best. The main issue that I have is that there are a lot of gap of informations that the narrator gloss over assuming that the reader knows what every thing is (like the show), who are the Mane Six characters, what makes him believe that he can convince them. The reason why it would be best to go over and explain everything not so much that you have to inform the readers (I think it's safe to say that all your readership know who everyone is), but rather how you characterize them in your story to make them your own.
If you want some help in to proofread yourself I would suggest a text to speech program to make sure your writing flows at least well, Like Natural Reader. Good luck on your next chapter.
8829039
part 2 is out now
You might want to get yourself an editor.
Hum, you might have wanted to look it over another time before publishing this chapter, you when the writing you missed as few capitals and a punctuations here and there a few jumps in ideas in the same sentence structure along with a few repeat of the same words right next to each other.
Now with that out of the way, I thought it was odd that her suddenly was scared of Starlight like and break to tears so easily? I wonder if it's because of the shock of being in another land and being in a new body might have catch up on him. Wonder why Startlight seemed so aggressive all of the sudden with Joe, I wonder if she further be antagonistic with him in the story? Not sure why he would just deride to change his name sudden like that sense he isn't expected to stay there for long at least, could be that it is in part because he was living the brony dream of being in Equestria, with his mind possibly confused he might have just wanted to latch on what seemed positive to him, not sure if Twilight is going to keep finding that odd, still he does sound really childish in insisting in learning it now, then again it's a once in a life time opportunity for him. So why does Twilight derided to teach him like that sense the have to focus on getting him back home, unless she always take some pride in teaching a new comer to this world what is magic. I think AJ's attitude in just leaving Joe to Twilight's care was absolutely reasonable, sense magical dimensional hopping is way out of her applebucking department, and the same would be likely for the others.
Good luck on your next chapter.
Mix up some of most of the word repeats are stutters
8874486
If that is the case then use suspension points (...) to indicate that someone is stuttering . Good luck
Chapter 3 is almost done
8875956 part 3 is finally out
Your writing is definitively getting much better, even compared to last time, you can be proud of that at least. Your characters still feel stilted at the moment as in I don't get a clear reading of their state of mind in the words of actions; it will come in time. like ["Yes, I will do it Princess Twilight" I said with child, huh, foal like enthusiasm, in the chance to learn magic from the Princess of magic herself.] or ["your doing great, keep it up and you'll become a natural in no time" Twilight said in an encouraging supportive teacher tone.]
Would help to seem more of his internal monologues of what he thinks and feel in the moment along with what ever assumptions he is making comparing his experience to that of the show and she how it compares when reality meets expectations, don't do that too much. Still, I felt he was learning to use magic a little too easily and might have been better with first doing some basic exercise and instruction in how to fain magic awareness, before actually starting with reading about magic strait out of a book. It would also help explain the feeling of using magic coming right from his forehead as there isn't any human analogue to describe it, just a little advice.
How did he knew what Twilight was writing to the Celestia while her was studying from the magic book? I think having her dictating it to spike would have been better for his to be aware of it, just a suggestion on those little details.
The transmutation experiment might have been to too early, and I think you could have been more descriptive in how Twilight was panicking, but I see what you were trying to do with showing on how he has an untapped affinity for magic that he didn't had before that he can now explore with his new impromptu teacher. I think this would be better to be a one time thing until later, beguines luck and all, and have him strive to replicate his previous success again as an intensive.
Keep practicing you are getting better at this for sure.
8930082
The reason he is so good In magic will be explained later on.around pg 27 on my notes and im currently on pg 9
Part 4 is now out. In my personal opinion it started bad but got better later on. seems to be a reoccurring theme in the story, but I'll get there eventually.
The story is on hiatus do to a few contradicting ideas on how the story is supposed go.
how the chapter was written and the current path of the story doesn't match up. Yet I don't want to scrap the idea created in the chapter.so till I can deside what to do do with it the story will be on hiatus... I'm thinking about creating a branching story line. One where things go wrong a lot faster and less subte. And one that is more drawn out and thinks go down over time. But I don't know any suggestions?