Chapter 1: Painful Start
beep beep...... beep beep... BEEP BEEP
He jolted awake, slamming his head into the rack above him.
'Dammit, how do I keep doing that?' He thought to himself.
It was about a week and a half since he had arrived on the ship. He hadn't been briefed much before being loaded up into the aircraft that had brought him and the rest of his team to the lonely expanse of ocean they were now currently floating on. He didn't know much, but it sounded like this was going to be a tough one. His team had been loaded out with anything they asked for or could have even remotely needed.
He swung his legs out of his rack and stood up, standing at about five foot, ten inches. looking around, he grabbed his uniform and boots, patterned to blend in with a sparsely vegetated or completely barren and sandy environment, and started dressing out for the event he had been anticipating ever since he left the country. Snatching up his toiletries, he made for the head to bush his teeth and shave for what might be the last time in the next month. Good thing the Navy provided good dental care.
As he entered the head, glancing around, he noticed one other person occupying it. "Mornin', fucker." He said casually.
"What up, Ghengis," the other man replied while shaving, "you actually decide to get up this morning?"
"You still on me about that?"
"Do I still have a scar the size of a seven-six-two round on my ass cheek?"
"You try stayin' awake after four days without sleep. Besides, it was your turn for watch anyways, Rocka."
"Yeah, but you're supposed to watch my back, partner."
"I still shot the fucker, didn't I? And I dragged your sorry ass into cover."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep talking."
This was an almost daily routine for the two. James "Ghengis" Kaughn and Darius "Rocka" Jackson had been best friends ever since meeting each other in BUD/S, the beginning of the long road to becoming a SEAL, the elite unconventional fighting force of North America. They had been lucky enough to be assigned to the same team, constantly watching each other's backs, inseparable. They had saved each other's lives a few times already.
Jackson had a heavy build with dark hair and brown eyes. Being from Brooklyn, he had forward and blunt attitude. He was the fireteam's Automatic Rifleman, usually carrying a modified M240B LMG, spitting hot 7.62mm lead at anyone stupid enough to put themselves in his field of fire. He often put down suppressing fire on their opponents, keeping their heads down and allowing the rest of the team to set up a good angle on them. His preferred side arm was a simple M9, 9mm Baretta pistol.
O'Kaughn, often just called Kaughn, was almost the polar opposite. He had a medium build sporting dirty blonde short cropped hair and grey-blue eyes with a unique ring of yellow star bursting around his pupils. He preferred to pick his targets, utilizing an M4 modified with a 4x scope. He was the team's designated marksman and sometimes carried an M110 semi-automatic rifle, although it wouldn't be needed on this mission. Oddly enough, he favored a simple 1911 Springfield, .45 caliber pistol. Making up for it's low ammo capacity with dead-on precision and accuracy.
Both were fatally proficient in hand-to-hand.
They finished up and stared heading for the briefing. it was time to rock and roll. On their way through the passageways of the ship, Kaughn struck up some small talk, "How's your wife doing?"
"She's hangin' in there," Jackson replied, "Only about three more months to go before our beautiful baby girl arrives."
"You get to talk to her last night, man?"
"Yeah, but only for a little bit. The damn satellite cut out again. You get in touch with your folks?"
"Nah, not something I really wanna deal with before shit like this."
Kaughn's parents weren't the best people. his mother was distant and didn't seem to really give a damn about what he did and his father was an alcoholic who would pass out and scare a young James into calling paramedics all too often. They were still fighting over the divorce that occurred over thirteen years ago, dragging their son into the middle of it, not that he really cared anymore.
"It's cool man, it's cool. You still got us."
"Yeah, and what great family you've all been, especially my last birthday."
"Hey man, how were we supposed to know you didn't like strippers and surprises all that much? especially for your twenty-first?"
"It wasn't so much as me disliking them, but Stacy not liking a random stripper jumping out of my closet."
"Oh yeah," Jackson chuckled, "but she wasn't really right for ya, huh? So, I kind of did you a favor."
"I'll give you that, she did turn out to be a keniving, manipulative bitch, huh?"
They both burst out in laughter as they neared the briefing room. Jackson opened the door and they both stepped inside and took their seats facing the team leader, Lieutenant "Hells" Bellis, who was sitting by the wall on which the map of their AOR, or Area Of Responsibility, was projected. Two minutes later, the second half of their team, "Dickey" Nix and "Fungis" Feng arrived. They greeted Kaughn and Jackson and sat down next to them.
"Hey Ghengis, you ready to let loose?" asked Feng
"Except this time, maybe you let us get a little work in, huh?" said Nix.
"Maybe when you learn to shoot like me and Kaughn, you could keep up." Jackson replied.
"Kaughn can shoot, you just hose down everything in front of you until you hit something," Feng shot back.
"At least he hits something," Kaughn retaliated. Then they all shared a laugh.
"Everyone settle down," came a voice from up front.
Everyone snapped their attention back to the front of the room and focused on their team leader.
"Alright girl scouts, looks like we got an easy one this time, quick snatch and grab. We just need to get in and get out," Lieutenant Bellis explained. "We received intelligence that a local tribal leader, Yusuf Hamshad, who had been cooperating with our forces in the northern Kandahar region here was taken hostage with his family last week. We know the general area they are in, but the insurgents have taken them into a small network of caves situated in this mountain here," he said as he pointed to the map. "We're being sent in not only as a show of good faith, but also because this guy has vital information on the movements of both the Taliban and Al Qaida's drug trafficking. Not to mention there are children involved."
'Shit,' thought Kaughn, 'children complicate everything.'
"Our main objective is to extract Mr. Hamshad and his family. Elimination of HVTs and collection of Intel is secondary since Mr. Hamshad will be supplying most of that once we have him secured at the FOB. Though if you get an opportunity, take the shot. Our designated call sign for this Op will be 'Red Lion'. Any questions?"
Feng spoke up, "when do we leave?"
A smile graced the Lieutenant's lips, "you got thirty minutes."
ME GUSTA MUTHAFUCKA
Awesome! Must... Read... MOAR!
18 chapters, :D no sleep for me tonight 0_o
It's "Conniving."
...oh yes. I like where this is going.
WOW im a ranger and for most certainty i like this
RANGERS LEAD THE WAY
Sincerely,
Ace - 21st rangers
I'mma throw the follow and read it tomorrow. looks interesting though.
You know this sounds like you have some experience.
not some call of duty hair trigger education
I may be getting my guns mixed up here, but isn't the Springfield a WW1 weapon? If so, there is a reason that they aren't used anymore, as they were superceded by newer, superior weapons.
a little spelling errors here and there, but over-all it keeps me in suspense
31 Chapters...
Are they Marines or Navy seals? As a future marines myself, I'd like to know.
1088317
If you're talking about the M1903 rifle, it's a World War I and II bolt-action rifle. Springfield is an arms manufacturing company, and they make M1911-style 45ACP pistols. Not as good as a Colt 1911, but good enough. I'll stick with my Smith & Wesson M&P pistols.
First impressions:
Originality is already at a bad start. How many fics are there were a soldier's mission goes wrong and he's thrown into Equestira? I don't know either, but the number is pretty big.
On the technical side of the writing, it's abysmal. Grammatical errors and formatting inconsistencies are everywhere. What baffles me is that the note the description says the first twenty chapters have been edited for such errors. This does not bode well, and I'd hate to have seen it before it was edited.
On another note, the writing is pretty boring. Have you heard of 'Show, don't tell'? I think this could improve the story considerably. If you need more info, I happen to have a blog post giving an explanation of what it is and how to use it. Here's a link.
On the characterization side, it's a bit early on to be making serious points, as development is a long process, but I did notice one thing: The conversations. They're very dialogue driven, which may seem normal, since it is a conversation, but in writing this is not the case! There is so much more to interaction than the words spoken. Body language is a huge part and should not be ignored. Throw in a few facial expressions and describe the kind of voice they're using.
Expectations are low, but I'm going to keep reading for a bit.
This has been in the feature box so many times, I feel I have to read it.
However I would just like to point out that, if movies and stories are to be believed, the US army always makes sure to put at least one expecting father in every single squad!
1259550 eeeeeeeyup
Promising first chapter
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dis-gon-b-gud.gif
1088317 colt m1911 Nuff said.
As 1035884 already pointed out, it's not "keniving", it's "conniving".
9mm? .45 is where its at
(ノಥ益ಥ)ノ ┻━┻ RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
So glad to finnaly find a complete, and long, story with a human in it.
I like what I see so far, my one complaint is that there are a few minor inaccuracies regarding the SEALs equipment. Navy SEALs are not issued the M9, there go to 9mm handgun is the SIG P226, also the M110 is exclusivley used by the US Army, the SEALs are equipped with another SR-25 variant called the Mk 12 Special Purpose Rifle, which was made for the SEALs.
It's not a big deal (I'll even put up with the "they're special forces so they can use whatever they think is best for the mission" excuse), but I though that I should point it out.
Well another in the sea of soldier fics, the last one I tried to read left a bad taste in my mouth, let's see how this one goes.
nice
-I think it's spelled 'beretta', not 'baretta'
-"dead-on precision and accuracy" same thing really?
I skimmed most of this chapter but even so my eyes started glazing over. Do we really need these mini biographies on all these supporting characters that are going to disappear soon anyway? The rest didn't rouse my interest. I feel this entire chapter could be skipped.
Also, more show, less tell.
3388473 Accuracy is hitting your target correctly. Precision is hitting the same area multiple times in a row.
Dis gonna be better than the last one... I hope.
I'm already weary a close friend of mine is named Yusuf. Please no more al Qaida references...
1088317 WWII rifle, it was used by the Yankees up there, the best rifle today is the L115A3 AWM
ALL RIGHT! NAVY SEALS! Now we are talking. You just caught my interest.
4949134 whoever disliked this comment must be racist
3763170 after reading that I thought, precision ain't worth shit when all you do is sweep the area, not the most efficient way but hey, its fast and youre bound to hit something sooner or Later
5768407 This is a tactic I use far too often in ARMA. XD
A better example of male companionship has yet to be made.
Hmm... Looks good at the start but 1 thing. The Navy SEALs are not the most elite fighting force in the world like your description suggests... That title goes to the British SAS... Other that that, it looks promising.
8404722
Bs, SAS ain't got shit on Navy Seals
6721218
Is true
8404722
True.
8411841
This is a false statement