Applejack, Apple Muffin, Apple Cupcake, Apple Rain Storm, Applejake, Princess Sky Wishes, Half Light, and Buttershy are falling in love with Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Thunder Storm, Chocolate Ice Cream, Rainbow Blitz, Princess Cloud Wishes, Rainbow Scoops, and Orange Ice Cream but their best friend doesn’t know that all. Applejack, Apple Muffin, Apple Cupcake, Apple Rain Storm, Applejake, Princess Sky Wishes, Half Light, and Buttershy are keeping it a secret because they think that their best friend and friends will hate them if they tell them. AJ, AM, AC, AJa, PSW, HL, and BS didn’t want to lose their friendship with their best friend because they fell in love with them. AJ, AM, AC, AJa, PSW, HL, and BS fear they will lose their best friend because they fell in love with them, AJ, AM, AC, AJa, PSW, HL, and BS hate lying to their best friend and friends but they can’t tell them at all.
AppleMuffin20
Joined 24th Jan, 2018 ·
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Chapters (10)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This thing needs an editor.
Like, just the description alone is making me dread what's to come if I take a peek inside a chapter. As for the chapters themselves, you've got the most horrific issue of telling instead of showing that I've ever seen. If it weren't for the fact that there's no tagging after each name, I would've likely read this as more of a script than an actual story.
You're definitely gonna need somebody to edit. PM me sometime if you need help, but keep in mind that I'll be busy for the next few weeks.
Do don’t give me bad comments I have been typing stories ever since middle school.
Also some of the names don’t need tag because I made up some of the names.
8814564
These "bad comments" are constructive criticism. I'm only trying to help. It doesn't matter how long you've been writing, it matters that you can improve.
8814566
I'm not talking about character tags. I'm talking about action-tagging characters within a story so that the story doesn't read out like a script. You need a lot more work on showing what happens rather than telling.
I will get to the action-tagging characters because right now I am busy.
This needs an extra chapter: The author tells the story of how he (or she) got proofreader and learned how to write.
The first few lines look like they were for a kindergarten level children’s book