• Published 1st Feb 2018
  • 286 Views, 11 Comments

Jumbled Thoughts Are Magic - Michael Hudson

Even Celestia decides she wants a piece of this saint's ass, even if he comes with three hot little devils too.

  • ...


Celestia could almost taste the tension in the room, and it was delicious to her, almost as much as Whis and Beerus’s pudding was to them. It was pretty normal at this point of poker night, sure, but this was different. This was targeted more directly between the heavenly beings. Or, more specifically, between ‘God’ and ‘Satan’.

They had obviously been brewing over something, having brought the baggage from their universe with them as they kept trying to make sure the other never outbid them, an early discovery that had allowed Celestia to pick apart their stashes of godly points for a while now.

Now it was time to push the matter. She cooly pushed her whole pile into the middle, staring cooly at both God and Satan, the only two left in the game. For them to match her, they would need almost ten times the meager piles they had, but they both glanced at the other as thoughts of what could be gotten if they won.

Whis, a blue, angelic figure, though in oddly Egyptian robes, saw this move and smiled. His master Beerus was too preoccupied with Equestrian sweets to have told any of what was going on, but he could see what Celestia was trying. Like her though, he knew the explosion that was to come would be oh so very sweet. Much like the cake he enjoyed!

And so both God and Satan both yelled, “All in,” before pushing forward their piles. Celestia could tell immediately though that Satan could see his mistake the second after he said it. That he was finally waking up, which was so very nice to see after how many times he had managed to win this weekly war of the gods. “Wait-”

“Straight Flush.”

Both God and Satan stared at her, their mouths agape as she picked up her teacup, taking a slow drink from it as she stared cooly at them. Her cards were already on the table, and that was enough for the large, old man in white to throw his chair back, throwing up his arms as he stepped away, while Satan, a younger, devilishly handsome man in a fine italian suit, merely put his head in his hands.

He was also the one to then stare daggers at Celestia as he hissed out, “Alright, you win. What do you want?”

Celestia swirled her spoon in her tea, adding a little bit of sugar to the too bitter mix, smiling a little to herself as she cooly replied, “I would first like to know what you two have been fighting about. It’s never fun to play with a couple in the middle of a spat.”

“We are not a couple, and this whole blasted thing with Dave-”


Satan winced, having stood up a second too late, and even Whis raised an eyebrow at the statement. “We all know you’re gay for each other, but to think that a third man could split you apart is quite surprising, especially one with such a plain name.”

Celestia giggled at the comment, before poking her own in with, “Yes, I would have thought something like Richard or Charles would be more fitting.”

God at this point fumed at the words, thunder crackling between his hands, though one glance from Beerus made him calm down a little. After all, he was the only one proficient in universal destruction. However, he could not allow his pride to be attacked like this! “We. Are. Not. Gay. You should see the angels that I court. They’re much better than the hellfiends you’ve sent for such a saint.”

Satan buried his face into the table, groaning as he shook his head. “Shut up, old man, before you regret it.”

“Regret it? Like I’ll make you regret sending that nymph of a granddaughter after my next herald! And yet you still insist that you do nothing wrong while you try to plan against his soul!”

And that was when Celestia had decided that she’d listened to enough. “A saint you say? One you both desire? Well, Since you both owe me then, I believe there is a simple way for you to repay me.”

God’s jaw dropped while Satan stood up, shouting, “I fucking knew it,” before turning back to Celestia, hate in his eyes. “You destroy more than just one plan of mine though with his removal, so shall you agree to take his baggage?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. Baggage? For a saint? Weren’t they supposed to be without problems? That was the impression she’d gotten thousands of years ago whenever God talked about his original saints. “Um, what are you talking about?”

Whis chimed in on this, handing one of his cupcakes to the purple cat next to him, Beerus, to keep him out of the discussion. “Well, with a quick glance into their universe, I see what looks like a demoness, some sort of alien-”

Satan groaned as he corrected with, “Lab experiment.”

“-And a normal human. Oh, from her online chat logs though she seems like quite the mean girl.”

Celestia smiled at the observation. Honestly, she had found that things had been… stagnating recently in Equestria anyways, and this presented itself quite the opportunity to shake things up for her favorite soap opera. “Well then, those are my terms. I get this Dave fellow, and those three girls. And no, I won’t take any other offer for how in debt you two managed to get into.”

Satan just groaned before God threw up his hands. “Fine! He’s already given me over forty years of good work, so if this keeps him away from this fiend, then go ahead!”

Celestia nodded, before the board they played on converted the debt into power, and the power into a spell.

And over night, while the residents were sleeping, a quaint, two story house at the edge of one large town teleported itself to the edge of a different, smaller town.

And immediately Celestia got to smile as Fluttershy’s animals tried trampling her to let her know about the new neighbor.

Author's Note:

Yeah, this is something I have wanted to do with almost all of my original works, as I still love these characters and such, and admittedly it's good promotion. Nonetheless, congrats to anyone who remembers the last time I did this sort of godly poker game.

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