Avoiding the Issue
It started with a question.
“How?”
It was a simple question, asked by a child. A foal of maybe no more than five.
“How?!”
A question so simple, yet so loaded that few could avoid considering it.
The Storm King's invasion of Canterlot, lead by Tempest Shadow, now known by her true name, Fizzlepop Berrytwist, had been quite the scare. Right in the middle of the annual guard field training exercise in the badlands. Right when relations with other major nations to the north were just getting going. Right as the Friendship Festival was getting under way.
BAM! One, three-ship invasion, a few dozen troops in magic-resisting armor, and Canterlot actually fell.
It was an embarrassment in national defense planning.
But despite these oversights, only one question really mattered in the mind of the average pony...
“How did one angry pony almost beat all four princesses, the greatest quartet of magical power in the world, in seconds?”
This question nagged at many a pony, including the very one who had conducted the assault and had personally taken out the princesses.
The conclusion, Fizzle came to, was not a happy one.
Yes, she had the skills and the tools to counter the princesses and all their magical might. She had the element of surprise. She had induced panic causing her opponents to misidentify the threat.
But it was almost too easy. Granted, Princess Twilight was saved by the sacrifice of a local, but otherwise, she was just as easily out of the fight from the start as the other three. It wasn't a fight, it was a rout, from the start.
The then Commander Tempest was expecting at least a decent scuffle and a real challenge. Not three out of four contained and a chase half-way across the continent.
When her concerns were brought to Princess Twilight's friends, they gave her odd looks, as expected, but realized she was indeed right.
The Princesses, Equestria's most magically potent ponies, went down like, as Rainbow Dash put it, 'Third Rate Daring Do Villain Mooks'.
This needed to be remedied. Or the next time someone like her came along, and DIDN'T have easily shattered delusions...
Well, from what few seconds she spent trapped in the Storm King's petrification, it wouldn't be a happy day.
So on a random spring day, some time just before lunch, Fizzle stood on the guard training and exercise field, staring down the four arguably greatest ponies in the world.
“So,” the tall, white, Princess Celestia, voice hiding some awkwardness in it, began. “Twilight informs me you have some concern about how vulnerable we are. That we need some combat training?”
“And physical conditioning,” noted Cadance. Shorter and shade of pink that reminded Fizzle of Pinkie Pie, now that she actually had more than a few seconds to look at the Princess of Love.
“Pft!” Luna, slightly taller than Cadance and a deep blue, scoffed. “Maybe for sister. I get out at night.”
“You ALL need training,” Fizzle felt her 'Commander Tempest' mode of thought kick in in order to keep the chatter down. Inwardly, she winced at taking such a tone with the ponies who only weeks ago had been her enemies. That she was allowed free reign at Princess Twilight's castle still left her partially shocked. “I was able to take the lot of you down in seconds. I had the advantage, but you shouldn't have made it THAT easy for me.”
“Easy?!” Luna all but shouted in indignation. “You invaded the capital and call it-”
“She almost killed you, Luna,” Twilight snapped. “If I hadn't caught you...”
Luna closed her mouth with a huff, fuming silently in place. Fizzlepop winced at the reminder of that particular shot. In the silence, Princess Celestia gave her sister a measured look before returning it to Fizzle, a painfully motherly look on her face that almost dared the former commander to suggest a way to improve.
“Twilight's right,” she stated diplomatically. “And so are you. We lost so quickly and I panicked without even thinking when you took out Cadance. It goes without saying that we need some kind of combat training. Will you be instructing us in this matter, then?”
Fizzle opened her mouth, but was interrupted by a deeper, gruff voice from above.
“No... That would be me.”
All eyes turned to the sky. Above them hovered what appeared to be a changeling. A... Strange looking changeling. Instead of the typical black carapace and curved horn, it was green. And its, his? Head had a pair of antennae sticking out. It wore a white cape and turban as it frowned down at them, eying them in a manner Celestia recognized from hundreds of bodyguards over the centuries.
Resisting the urge to panic, the princess posed the question on everyone's mind.
“And you are?”
“Hmmph,” the changeling grunted, descending to the ground silently. Luna took note that his wings never so much as moved as far as she could tell with the cape in the way. He landed with a soft click. “Name's Piccolo.”
“The instrument?” Twilight asked.
“Same,” he grunted once more. “Never though about why, but then again I know some folks with names better suited to a garden.”
“So you're Piccolo?” Fizzlepop interrupted. “You know you're over an hour late, right?”
Piccolo reared back awkwardly on his hind legs, crossing his forelegs with a scowl while standing up taller.
“Yeah, well you try getting a new body figured out the next time you come through a portal-mirror between dimensions. See how long it takes you to get into fighting form.”
Then he paused in his retort, looking himself over again.
“Gotta' admit though, bitchin' natural armor. Makes me wonder if it comes with any other perks.”
“Thou art a changeling,” Luna pointed out. “You should be able to turn into anything you want.”
“Really?” Piccolo's eyes widened with a rather insidious smile gracing his features. “Okay, storing that for later.” Then he paused for a moment, his eyes darting to the side and annoyance taking over.
“NO!” he snapped. “We are NOT trying that!”
Everyone blinked at his outburst in confusion.
“I don't CARE if it would look cool, Nail. We are NOT turning into a snake. It never helps.”
Fizzlepop, and every princess present gave each other unsure glances at this exchange. Twilight, in particular, shuddering in revulsion.
“And great,” Piccolo sighed. “Thanks to you two, they think we're insane. And yes, I know the wifi's out. That goes with the territory of going to another dimension where wifi doesn't exist. Now SHUT, UP.”
With that, Piccolo returned his eyes to the group of princesses now giving him their best porcelain smiles.
“Sorry about that,” he muttered. “Had to deal with some tenants. You know how it goes. Fuse with a dying smartass and an old fool for the power boost and you NEVER get any peace.”
And before anyone could answer the contrary he continued. “So yeah... I'm out meditating in the wasteland (do that a lot) when I get a message from a friend on Spacebook tagging me. 'Hey, princesses with lots of power, can't fight, need training.' I owe bacon hair a favor for friending me on Spacebook in the first place, and I have openings in my schedule.”
There was a pause.
“Yes, 'the entire month free' does in fact classify as an opening, NAIL. Now SHUT. UP. I MEAN IT.”
Piccolo looked back at the princesses once more.
“So here I am,” he continued. “Bacon-bits gave me the lowdown she heard from... Trilight-”
“Twilight,” Twilight corrected the changeling.
“Highnoon for all I care,” Piccolo retorted without missing a beat. “I'm not judging for obvious reasons.”
Twilight just shot him an annoyed look.
“So I hear you just got invaded recently, and went down like a bunch of bitches to... Soda-pop?”
“Fizzlepop,” the pony next to him rolled her eyes. “Though I went by Tempest at the time.”
“Yeah,” Piccolo shrugged. “Like I said, not judging. When I got here it didn't take me long to realize exposure to this place would be sending me to the dentist early. Though hearing you've actually got some intimidating names around here is a relief. But yeah, you dropped these four like a bad habit?”
“Three,” Fizz replied. “Princess Twilight got lucky when someone jumped in front of her.”
Piccolo stole a glance at Princess Twilight before his eyes returned to the unicorn next to him.
“Okay, so you with,” he paused again. “Feels like average power level for your species took down four-”
Piccolo scowled again, eyes dancing across each princess in turn before he finished.
“Right, you had no business winning this. What was your gimmick?”
“Gimmick?” Fizz asked, slightly confused at the question.
“Yeah,” Piccolo responded, pointing at the princesses. “Gimmick. Like these four. Tall horse, emo horse, horse with weird powers...”
“Excuse me?” Cadance recoiled in offense.
“And that one's obviously a nerd,” Piccolo laughed as he pointed at Twilight, who's ears folded in response. “I mean look at that bowl cut.”
Then he turned back.
“So spill, what's your secret?”
“Some kind of petrification orb,” Cadance cut in with just a little bite in her voice. “I jumped in front of the first one she threw at us, but it went right through the shield I put up.”
“Huh,” Piccolo placed a hoof to his chin, glancing at it for a moment for returning his focus to them. “Neat. So shields here work. And you said it went through yours? And I'm assuming you got-”
“Turned to stone, or encased in obsidian, or whatever it was,” Cadance nodded. “I couldn't stop it. After that, the next thing I know, we're being let out. So...”
“Right,” Piccolo waved the pink princess with the glass heart on or rear off. “You got Yamcha'd right at the start. No surprise there. Wouldn't be here otherwise. So what did the rest of you do after Glass-ass here got stoned?”
The changeling glanced around the group for a moment, expecting a response that never came. After a few seconds he frowned.
“Nothing?” he asked. “Scatter? Retaliate? Evaluate the threat? Faint? Girl just throws a ball of instant rock at one of you and nothing happens?”
“I went for reinforcements from the Hippogrif lands,” Luna spoke up helpfully. Celestia immediately snapped her head around.
“Only after I told you to run,” she corrected. “I don't think you even knew they existed as allies until I told you.”
“I'm not even sure why you were telling me,” the darker sister replied. “You just stood there and-”
“I realized we were going to need help,” the elder snapped. “All I knew is that magic was going to be a problem right there if Cadance went down so easily-”
Piccolo watched the two sisters devolve into sibling bickering, noting a shocked look from both the pink princess, and little purple starburst. The pieces were slowly coming into place and he resisted an urge to put a hoof on his face.
“Princess Celestia reacted immediately,” Twilight piped from the side. “She turned to face south and began dispatching instructions to Princess Luna for exactly ten seconds before Tempest, now Fizzlepop, struck her with a second orb in the barrel. Luna was in the air two seconds after that, gaining altitude at a sixty-degree angle for an additional three seconds before she was struck too.”
Piccolo raised a brow, crossing his hooves again, glancing at her. Likewise, he explanation had caused the sisters to silence themselves. All eyes were now on her, causing her to step back slightly, ears folding.
“You noticed THAT but froze when you saw the last orb aimed right at you?” Fizzle blinked.
“Eheh,” Twilight continued to cringe. “I tend to over analyze things when put under pressure. It's a coping mechanism.”
Eyes returned to Piccolo, who inhaled slowly, muttering something that sounded like 'go ham' under his breath. When he realized he was the center of attention again, he uncrossed his hooves and took a step forward.
“Right-”
That step was slightly awkward, and he paused, looking down at himself before just dropping to all-fours.
“-So, I think I've got this now,” he continued. “Four princesses with the collective power level of-”
Piccolo frowned again, glancing them over.
“Let's call you somewhere between a Tien and a Krillin- Don't worry I know it doesn't make sense. You ALL get Yamcha'd by the equivalent to a baseball pitcher with a broken arm who's name may or may not be Hercule Satan. Again, don't ask. And you were all beaned in a single shot from an orb she most certainly had only a few of?”
Silence greeted the changeling along side a few blank nods.
“Well,” he began again at length. “At least one of you has anything close to sense in this group.”
His eyes fell on Cadance, who smiled at the compliment, though she wasn't sure why she felt that was a mistake at the same time.
“And if I weren't guilty of throwing myself in front of an attack a few times, I'd call you insane.”
With that, he turned to Fizzlepop.
“I might be able to train them,” he rumbled in a tone of barely contained contempt. “But I wouldn't get your hopes up.”
“Hey!” Twilight. “What do you mean 'wouldn't get our hopes up'? I studied hard and went through a LOT of friendship lessons to earn my wings and I even invented a new kind of magic when I-”
“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!”
Silence fell as Piccolo's voice echoed into the distance. Flabbergasted, Twilight said nothing further, prompting the changeling to continue.
“Now,” he stated in a more authoritative tone. “I said I MIGHT be able to train you, but you'll have to pass a very critical first lesson before that. If you cannot pass this, I can pretty much say that without a doubt, you'll fail at fighting.”
Curious, Princess Celestia stepped forward, a question on her lips.
“And what lesson would that be?” she asked. “Is it classical conditioning? Endurance? Or perhaps-”
The air cracked, Piccolo's green frame became a blur of motion that would put Rainbow Dash to shame, and with a loud 'SMACK!', Celestia stumbled to the side and almost fell over as she cried out in pain. The other princesses let out equally distressed cries as all the motion settled down to show Piccolo winding down from a vicious foreleg swing.
“We start with some basic combat reflexes,” he stated coldly. “The most important being-”
“HOW DARE YOU!” Luna bellowed from next to him, her horn lighting in a cobalt blue. “To strike mine sister unprovoked as thus! HAVE AT THEE!”
Piccolo just glanced casually to the side as the shorter sister fired a bolt of energy from the tip of her horn. It was strong for this group's power, but not terribly impressive by his standards. A good smack would send it catapulting into a wall more or less harmlessly. But he had better ideas.
With the slightest adjustment, the bolt of magical power ripped right past him, doing little more than heat the air as it passed.
“Oh look,” he mocked. “Zero damage. A classic example of one of my greatest techniques before your very eyes.”
Snorting, Luna began to light her horn once more.
“And what would that b-” she growled but suddenly found her legs spinning sideways as she met with the grass. After a moment, she shook off the disorientation and looked up, a green hoof inches away from her face.
“Dodge,” Piccolo stated informatively.
And then Luna exploded.
So yeah, I cringed horribly watching the invasion for the MLP Movie. It wasn't the Antimagic McGuffins, those are excusable.
It's when everyone who can do anything decides to stand around doing nothing to the point of parody. Now it's time to have our favorite parody combat instructor beat some sense into our favorite pretty pony princesses. Because dodging shouldn't be an afterthought.
And don't worry, Luna's okay.
EDIT: Huh... I set my viewing format to have Calibri and my sentence formatting works better. I really don't know what to make of this anymore.
Question: How did Piccolo meet Sunset anyway?
PICCOLO: Annual Former Bad Guys Now Good meeting. She was one of the few who wasn't afraid to talk to the big green alien in the room. Probably because she's technically also an alien, just, not big and green. That, and she could talk to Kami and Nail just by touching my arm. That was a really interesting game of mental poker. Kami won the pot. But only because his poker face is... Godlike. Also, that BETTER NOT be Kami snickering in there.
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Quite a title.
Well, you get points for the titles. Both of the story and the chapter. They are hillarious.
*Alucard Laugh*
This...story...is...the BEST IEDA EVER!!!!!
I am going to love reading this. And yes, I am as confused as anyone else as to the question of where the entirety of the Royal Guard was during the movie.
Hint: I think Discord took them all out to play hopscotch with whiskey and rye.
I love how the DBZ:A version of the characters has become our default.
And I saw that nod to the Overlord's list.
I see that you are using Team Four Star’s Piccolo for this story. So who will get the owned count here? I vote Luna so as just for this story I am putting up a Luna owned count.
Luna Owned Count: 1
Dodgeball! Equestrian style.
"Now, this is a wrench. It's not going to turn you into stone, but it's going to smart when I--"
"Ow! Muther-buck--"
"--throw it at you. Ok, the pink one seems to get it. Who's next?"
"I don't think-- OW! You little-- OW!!"
"That gets you two. And you didn't dodge either one."
Luna: how?
piccolo: DODGE!!!!!
I swear, if you abandon this fic I'm going to be so disappointed.
Now don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the hell out of this chapter, but I think you need an editor.
Also why the Abridged piccolo?
8704400
Point 1) I agree.
Point 2) Because abridged Piccolo is the best Piccolo, of course.
8704400
No, don't need an editor. Need the formatting of my Doc file not to get suddenly ignored. And then, when I press the 'helpful' buttons that should fix it as provided, they shouldn't make it WORSE.
8704431
Congrats your story got featured.
Oh, this just became a placer in my "Top 3 Fanfictions on This Site"! Nicely done!
Great now I'm gonna have "why didn't you DOOOOOOOODGE" on the brain if I see that movie.
you have my attention.
Oh, so this got popular because DB: Abridged..
I'm waiting for the TFS Make a Man Out of You song.
Geez, Equestria better have their own set of Dragon Balls just in case Piccolo accidentally kills someone. I also hope he brought a supply of Senzu Beans with him.
Considering the niche of a niche of a niche you're working with here, your readership will be rather small for this story. But those of us that "get it" are all highly entertained so please keep going! :)
8704544
Probably. But I'm honestly surprised with the amount of time the Movie's been out that someone else didn't beat me to it. You know, with Princess 'I'm going to bark orders at my little sister while standing in place for ten seconds as our opponent parkours a petrification orb at us' Celestia not doing any reasonable defensive action. Like moving. Or fleeing. Or taking potshots at Tempest.
*Shrug*
I'll let Abridged Piccolo the mirror-morphed changeling beat on them for a bit.
How did Sunset even meet Piccolo?
8704335
Do you mean that they were playing hopscotch while drunk, or that they were playing it with the whiskey and rye? Because knowing Discord, it could go either way.
Really, it should be a thought at all. It should just happen.
Like Vegeta blasting something that moves. Or Piccolo hanging out in the wasteland. Or Freeza getting cut in half. Or Yamcha.
There's no thought involved. These things just happen.
Ok, so, maybe with Piccolo there's some thought involved; it was some pretty kickass wasteland.
Love this! Four stars in the sky must be proud of your work!
8704581
PICCOLO: Annual Former Bad Guys Now Good meeting. She was one of the few who wasn't afraid to talk to the big green alien in the room. Probably because she's technically also an alien, just, not big and green. That, and she could talk to Kami and Nail just by touching my arm. That was a really interesting game of mental poker. Kami won the pot. But only because his poker face is... Godlike. Also, that BETTER NOT be Kami snickering in there.
Try playing Dodgeball with Pinkies version of The Increadibles expanding sticky foam?
When i saw the title of the story i chuckled, but when i saw who wrote it I knew i had to read it
Piccolo in Namekian means "From another world."
I am thankful this is incomplete, because MOAE.
God I can breathe!!! More!!!!!!!
8704664
I know it's a typo on your part buuuut...
8704697
you know what I mean
8704560 Considering the story is already third on the feature page and climbing, I don't think it will be as small as you think.
I saw a few homophone errors, the more glaring of which was, "the fight had been a route." The military loss is spelled rout. The path to a destination is a route, which in the case of a physical road can be pronounced 'root'.
That was a decent first chapter. I wasn't sure what to expect given the premise, but the way everything is set up and Piccolo's character give the story that nice comedic edge. Guess that means I'll track the story and see where it goes from here.
I'll have you know that FighterZ has Nappa getting Yamcha'd by Yamcha...That's about it, really. It has nothing to do with canon, I just like the reference.
Anyway. Bookmarked and looking forward to more.
I had to watch an obligatory video after reading this.
Awesome beginning. I was just cringing inside at that opening invasion too.
Yeah, I now see that is was posted already. But what could I do with already copied link? Post it!
So.
I don't normally find crossovers appealing.
But I have literally just finished a binge re-watch of DBZA, followed by a good couple of evening's worth of random DB clips on youtube (I think I will have to get Super on DVD). And then I find this in the feature box.
With TFS!Piccolo (written with sufficient proficiency that Lani's voice automatically sounds in my head) and dealing with my single biggest - if sadly predicted and expected - gripe with the movie.
I can't not favourite this, can I?
(The only way this could get better was if Krillen was in it... Yeah, I'm one of those daft people who happen to have Krillen as their favourite. Even - and especially because of - DBZA.)
DODGE!
Also
^^ This ^^
Wtaf man, wtaf.
It makes no fucking sense...
Good work on this also, lmfaoo
Screw the tracking, screw the read later, screw the bookmarks, this story is going right to the favorites! This is already awesome right off the bat and feels exactly like DBZA should feel.
8704857
Possible Typo
Worf man, Worf.
8704951
Wtaf = What the actual fuck
Simply great, i guess this can be based on the gohan training period on DBZ ( just a suggestion because there is the everfree
)
Please...
Please finish this
Not a DBZ crossover, but a DBZA crossover?! Yes! And given the movie, this training from Piccolo is overdo.
This is gonna be so fucking fun.