E

After sensing his mother had become distant from him for some reason, Spike decides to travel to another world to find out answers and hopefully help his sister make amends with their mother.

However, Sunset Shimmer isn't the kind of person to say sorry so easily. So Spike, with the help of a few friends and family, will try everything to bridge the divide within 30 moons.


In Hiatus: Needing someone to edit it.

Temporaly Cover Art by Steadfast. XD

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 25 )

I never knew how to deal with my own kind.

Er... I think this should be kin, unless Sunset is a secret Alicorn.

“I think that is what she was going to do, I forgot she needs to make the sun down and starts the night, well, I think soon I will go to sleep. However, I have a strange feeling. Why I’m feeling so distant from her?”

This quote has a few problems with it. Even without the small grammatical errors, it just seems unnatural, and that's true of other dialogue as well. When it comes to dialogue, especially from a character like Spike who's particularly young and casual in how he speaks, contractions are your friend. "That is" should usually be "that's" and "I will" should usually be "I'll". Even with those contractions, though, it seems too stuffy and formal for someone like Spike. If I were to rewrite this entire line it would look like this:

"I guess that's what she was going to do, I forget sometimes that she controls the sun. I should probably get to bed soon but... Why do I feel so distant from her?"

It's shorter and has a more natural flow to it.

Other than the dialogue issues, I think you've got a solid idea for a story hear and I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Tracking now

8700843
Your advices are really apreciated, I will tell my friends and they will help me to fix this problems. And I'm doing my best to make this kind of first fiction. Thank you very much.

After sensing his mother had become distant from him for some reason, Spike decides to travel to another world to find out answers and hopefully help his sister make amends with their mother.

However, Sunset Shimmer isn't the kind of person to say sorry so easily.

Did I miss a previous story or something? Since when is Sunset Spike's mother? I mean, I don't see an alternate universe tag.

8700917
Dammit, I forgot, be right back. Thanks for remind me.

8700917
That was a really impressive point, I thought I add it. Sorry for the incovenient and thank you for show me;

Doing alright so far. :twilightsmile:

Though maybe do some more grammar checks. Heck that's something I gotta work on. Just a little piece of advice.

I can't wait for Sunset p's reaction to Spike

8766646
Trust me, she will receive many reactions. Hehehe, but just Spike being there changed many things over Equestria girls.

That was a priceless reaction and I’m super eager to see how the sibling meeting will go.

I normally hate human stories a ton. But you're my friend so I'll give this, and only this story a shot. It's weird to think of Sunset and Spike as siblings but to each their own. Moving on.

I half expected Rarity to send Spike to the cops. Then I forgot they have magic in the human world. I think. I've only seen the first movie. I'm not surprised that Pinkie knows about Equestria. Very great job. Very eager to see how this goes.

9941303
Thanks dude, I know many people don't like that kind of version of EG, but I prefer Spike as human and I hated Spike being a dog, so that's the main reason.

And for them being siblings, both Momlestia stories, always did 2 versions, Sunset is her daughter, or Spike is her son. In my mind, if Momlestia exists, so both of them should be siblings. LoL

9941321
Thanks dude, I've already have some chapters at google docs, but I've been waiting to someone to help me to edit since a year. Sorry but the fiction is a bit stuck in a momment.

9941514
I hate that to. I hate how all artifacts just shit on dragons, first the mirror then the pearl like what the buck?! And fair point. I'll always go with Spike and Momlestia even if it's minor but that's just me. Never cared for Sunset but that's just me.

9941515
I have an editor group I follow on my profile that might be able to help.

9942385
Cool, can you give me the link? I may need to find someone to help to edit it.

9942490
Just go to my profile and you should see the editor and proofreader group.

Why is this story already on hiatus?

10556877
Because I don't know when the next chapter will be released, it can be a few months, or in the next year.

Login or register to comment