Despite being a grown mare, Noel has the mental capacity of a foal and she's bullied for it even though it's not her fault. She has a mental condition called brainus fillius and she can't help it. She's lived with it all her life and now, she doesn't know what to do. Should she seek help or live through the pain, torment, and scorn of others? She has no idea anymore. She soon turns to the CMC and Babs, can they help her through her pain and help her stand up to her bullies before it's too late?
Chapters (11)
I hate to say it but the story isn’t very good.
8697567
😡
8697576
I so sorry I had to tell you that but there was no plot behind it it is just loose very loose like and you do not describe where they are or what they are doing at that moment what does the café look like? and where was I sitting in the café?
And also I suggest you get an editor .
Many groups for that
Okay the core of the story could be good.
But the solution sounds a little bit off.
The tense of the story is unusual at best and the style is too constructed.
I think that could be too harsh, so I will say something positive in the end.
The moral can work quite good, if you improve the style a little bit.
8697666
Wanna give me a hand (or hoof) then, Leth?
“Be proud of your condition”
I’m sorry, what? Not only are you reminding someone that something is horribly wrong, you’re telling them to be proud of it? I get that this is a morale booster type of story, but that doesn’t mean i’ll Accept random things like this. It makes no sense.
8697913
I'm sorry, but I don't think, that I'm the right one for this.
First of all I'm not sure, that I have the time left for this.
I'm sorry, but my stories and work do need much of my time.
And seond, I'm not even a native speaker and my English needs a little bit more practice,
before I should help other writers with their stories.
So I've to say, that I shouldn't do that.
I'm very sorry about that.
I’m afraid I lost what little interest I was forcing at the names. These aren’t even pony names. And you can’t use the excuse of griffons because, well, you’ve already said mares(maybe if she was raised by griffons?). There’s also very little flow to the story. The character was depressed last chapter, had ice cream, and is now happy. Thats...that wouldn’t even qualify as a story I beginning reader would read.
Do yourself a favor and set a word-count of 1000 or so for each chapter. It will force you to either add more descriptions or do more with the characters. I personally try to get to at least 5k per chapter. Any less and there’s not enough occurring to bother writing.
This could be something...I'm just not sure what.
This appears to have the same problems as your other stories. Whatever plot there is, is loose and/or sparse. The pacing is largely to blame.
Slow things down an expand upon your details. Tell us a little more about Noel. Explain to us about her condition. Is it based on a real world syndrome? Or something you completely made up? You say she looks and acts like a five-year-old, but I haven't been given enough information really see that. Namely, she doesn't talk like a five-year-old. Also, if she has the mental capacity of a small child, I wonder why she is living alone (or not, I don't know).
So far, you are averaging less than 500 words per chapter. That is no where here enough to write an engaging narrative, especially since you have each chapter set up as it's own neat little package.
As is, you have a basis for a story. Just expand upon it.
8698171
Ok.
Does this mean that Pinkie has brainus fillius?
8698646
Uh. Maybe. Yeah.
I've started to put out closer to 900 to 1000+ word chapters. Feel free to Tell me what you think of the longer chapters.
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If you want I can make that story as well, where we go into Pinkie's case of brainus fillius.