• Member Since 19th Sep, 2016
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Rafrpt


T

hello everypo- i mean everyone i am too used to saying it like the ponies do anyway i am making this in the hopes of sending this fanfiction story to the world i came from and if you are reading this then i have successfully done it. My name is Blue Light and i love Rainbow Dash she is so awesome and i am also a Pegasus colt and this is my adventure. I am going to try to get into the flight school and I need bits and wow I didn't expect to be adopted by her.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 11 )

Geez, dude, use some commas, will ya? I nearly suffocated while reading the first paragraph.

The fact this has five likes greatly concerns me.

8868250
What did I do wrong Is it rally that bad

Whoops didn't mean to have the feature group on

Whew lad, let me dig into this pile of lava dukey.

This is the exact kind of shit-fic I've been hunting for all morning. I'm going to offer you a brief rundown of where you've gone wrong with your grammar and why you're getting shit on so hard.

Let's start with the opening line, as I always do with terribad fics.

>Another boring day of Vic UniI am going to the train station after a boring day of Vic Uni and after I get off my stop I take my car back to my house but when I got to my house there was people dress in black with bullet prof vest and black helmets with assault rifles I new that they must find me a threat because I know to much and they are going to get rid of me.

Damn son, nice run-on sentence. I can count four...five...six places where a period should have been inserted, but wasn't. Tsk tsk. Besides that, within the first line itself, I'm left with a ton of questions. What is this elusive 'vic uni'?

You've also made several spelling errors within your opening line here. It should be dressed, not dress. 'prof' should be proof. Come on, this is spelling 101 stuff that you're failing to correct here.

>I look behind me and i was surrounded by cars that with the same people and they where aiming there guns at me and there was only 2 things I said "god dammit" and then I was getting rapidly shot at.

Why are they shooting at our unnamed 'vic uni' student? You introduce us to this chaotic, violent scene, but don't take a second to explain anything to the reader. It's all just a nonsensical jumble of the protagonist's own commentary, with zero pacing to be found.

Let's skip to the next section, shall we?

>All I could see is blackness and I was confused,what why am I not a spirit!? wait I am getting feeling back but I thought spirits didn't have feeling all well I guess spirits do have feeling well lets try opening my spirit eyesI open my eyes and it looks like I am in some kind of ally but I fell wired so I look at my self but what I saw shocked me I have hooves so I look for some kind of reflection. I get up on my hooves and start to slowly walk out of the ally so I can get used to walking on four hooves, when I am out of the ally I see a lot of ponies flying and walking on what looks like cloud and that when it hit me,I am on Cloudsdale in the MLP world awesome this is the best thing that has happened to me I wonder what timeline I am in

I hate, hate HATE present tense in the first person perspective and it isn't working for you at all here. All it does is create a painful, unreadable mess in most cases and this fic isn't an exception to that at all. Also, your grammar is balls. I don't even know where to start so yeah. One glaring issue is

>fell wired

I guess you meant to say 'felt weird'? Check your spelling PLEASE, god damn.

One more problem with this fic is that you tell instead of show, which shines clearly in this line:

>wait I am getting feeling back

...so what does that process entail? Describe what your protagonist is going through a little bit instead of just telling us what's happening in a scene.

Anyways, I give up trying to review this fic in its entirety. Right now I give you a 1.25/10. The only reason for the .25 is because as terrible as your fic is, there's an actual story of some kind being told, which I have a small amount of respect for. Besides that, this fic is beyond redemption. I recommend that you attend a few writing workshops and maybe take some classes on literature at your local community uni before ever trying to write something again.

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