• Member Since 9th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen May 5th

MythrilMoth


LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

T

The Rainbooms decide to take a day trip to the local zoo.

(My entry into Aragon's Comedy Is Serious Business Contest.)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 67 )

Wow...what was up with that zoo? Seriously? I half expect a chapter about this in "Sunset Vs" now where Sunset burns down the zoo and gives all the animals to Equestria Fluttershy for wilderness rehabilitation.

Overall quite entertaining, though. Fun story.

"Aww," Pinkie whined. "That would've been awesome. He could like, randomly babble off some long-winded existential ice cream koan out of nowhere and we'd be all like, whaaaa?"

That was the best part of Slice Of Life. It was random, insane, out of fucking nowhere and hysterical.

"I know, right?" Spike said as he ran past carrying a toy rope. "You kick me out of your room when you change clothes now. You didn't used to. What'sthatall about?"

I love how he's somewhat innocent still, it's immensely amusing.

"Unguwhats?" Rainbow repeated, crossing her eyes.

Animals with hooves, I believe.

"Ooh! I wanna see some lions!" Pinkie exclaimed. "And some tigers! Ooh! Ooh! And a bear!"

"Oh my!"

Beat me to the punch.

Sunset frowned. "I'm not sure," she said. "I...thinkllamas are sapient there? I've honestly never met one though."

I like to imagine if they are, their ruler is just Kuzco. Yes that Kuzco.

Pinkie Pie pressed her face between the bars. "Hey! You! Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?¿Cómo se llama, llama?"

No creo que tenga un nombre, Pinkie. (I don't think he has a name, Pinkie.)

A park attendant rushed over carrying a towel. "Sorry!" she said. "He does that sometimes. Bad Lorenzo! Bad!" Lorenzo the Llama snorted

Never mind, he's called Lorenzo. Hm, Lorenzo the Llama, sounds like a reference.

The attendant held out a hand. "That'll be twenty-seven dollars," she said. "For the shirt."

"For real?" Pinkie cried.

The attendant shrugged. "What, you think we're just gonna give away a souvenir shirt for free? Besides, you did kinda tease the llama."

A fair point.

Pinkie stiffened, turning her head sloooooowly toward Sunset. "Yyyyyeahnomonkeys," she said firmly.

Dare I ask for the context?

"Albino corn?"

"I have kind of a love-hate relationship with it."

Smooth.

Fluttershy shook her head. "They're lining up to be fed. I thought something was wrong when they were pushing the corn so hard out there. These poor critters aren't living free."

It's a zoo. I fail to see what you expected.

"Actually, isn't it their nature to be like, super lazy?" Twilight asked. "I mean, lions are just really big cats. I think I saw a nature show once where the lions basically lie around in the sun all day unless they're hungry."

Sounds like my cat. When she isn't demanding attention and being fucking adorable as cats are prone to doing.

Even as she said that, a meerkat poked its head up from a burrow, sniffing around.

Hi Timon.

A massive hornbill swooped down, snatched it up, and gobbled it down right in front of the girls.

Bye Timon.

As if to punctuate her statement, a carp jumped up out of a thin stream running parallel to the path, its scales shimmering in the sun for a moment before it splashed neatly back into the water.

A Magikarp Jump reference?

A second bonobo dropped into the path, tackled the first one, and started aggressively screwing him right in front of the girls. Several apes watching from the trees hooted and screeched.

OK, alright then.

"Wellthathappened," Rainbow Dash muttered flatly.

That it did.

"We're sure gettin' an education today," Applejack said sourly. She smacked her lips. "Ah could use somethin' t' drink. Maybe a snack."

Probably overpriced.

"Maybe that's why the attendance lines are so short?" Twilight wondered, absently playing with her phone. "Now that we've got a minute to sit, I'm looking online, and I'm kinda seeing a lot of bad stuff about this zoo."

Oh boy.

Two steps inside, a big, wet mess of bird poop landed smack in the middle of Pinkie Pie's rented umbrella hat, dripping down the sides and onto her T-shirt.

... Well shit. (pun absolutely intended.)

"I dunno," Pinkie said skeptically. "They don'tlooklike the terror that flaps in the night. And where are their coats and hats?"

I need to watch Darkwing Duck at some point.

"Cute butt," the macaw croaked. "Fluttershy has a cute butt."

Come again?

"Rainbow's pussy," the macaw said. "Raaaaaainbow's pussy."

I beg your pardon?

The macaw suddenly went into a mad flapping frenzy. "Biiiiig cocks!" it squawked. "Biiiiiig cocks!" Without warning, it shot off to the east as fast as its bright blue feathered wings could take it. The girls stared at each other, shrugged, and followed the sign.

What have you got against roosters?

"Wow, that is onebigcock," Pinkie said. Sunset facepalmed; Applejack slapped Pinkie upside the head with her hat.

Thank you, Applejack.

"Yeah, hangin' out with all my friends? Who cares if the zoo sucked? We'll be lookin' back on this and laughin' when we're all old and gray!" Rainbow declared. The other girls agreed heartily, and it was with much lighter spirits that the seven friends boarded the bus for home.

Old and gray huh? That reminds me of a song!

A mallard drake sat perched on the foot of her bed, fixing her with a gimlet stare.

Eh?

"Yeah...fuck animals," she said tiredly before turning over on her side, clutching Gummy tightly to her chest, and going back to sleep.

That's called bestiality.

As a lot of my favorite summer vacation memories involved the Cleveland Zoo, seeing the Rainbooms deal with a crappy zoo trip made me laugh in a guilty way. :rainbowlaugh: And the ending was perfect!

On a side note, while I've been lucky enough to avoid seeing chimp sex, I actually did once witness a huge fight in the chimpanzee exhibit at the Knoxville Zoo. And let me tell you, that was a pretty damn memorable experience. :twilightoops:

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I know, right? I was seriously expecting to find out it was owned by Filthy Rich or something. Or for Fluttershy to start an animal revolution with her geode power and ride into the evening on the back of a giraffe or something. :rainbowlaugh:

That would be a great idea for a Sunset Vs. chapter, though.

Wow A Zoo Trip from Hell indeed? Based on any real experience?

MythrilMoth, never change.

Well, I mean, you can grow as a person, but never change your humor.:pinkiehappy:

Heh. That was fun. I'm sure I'm missing half of the author references, but it was still an enjoyable Easter egg hunt. A shame about the zoo trip itself, but still, an enjoyable read. Thank you for it.

Moth, this story made me laugh and I am happy.

You made me happy.

Remember that.

"Never you mind, Spikey-poo," Rarity said as the other girls giggled and snickered. Twilight blushed, playing with her hair. "But you know, all this talk of animals and menageries, it's inspiring me to design a new line of animal-themed apparel." Rarity tapped her lips with a well-manicured finger. "I should really do some research, get some ideas going."

derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/1/23/1639303__suggestive_artist-colon-racoonsan_starlight+glimmer_sunset+shimmer_twilight+sparkle_animal+costume_blushing_bowtie_breasts_bunny+ears_bunny+su.jpeg
Cats and bunnies count, right?

We're going to the zoo. We're going to the zoo. And then we're gonna see some animals.

Dammit, Dakota.

Albino corn?

I (think I) see what you did there.

I have a love hate relationship with it.

Yup, I saw. And I love.

The puns, oh yes the puns.

HE IS THE TERROR, THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT! :pinkiegasp:

Also, that fucking Macaw :rainbowlaugh:

I wonder who it was that made those lewd comments about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

Also, I was half expecting Twilight to find a lost owl in that aviary.

Zef

"You know, I never woulda pegged you for a lizard," Rainbow Dash said.

And that was the point Sunset shrugged, removed her human mask, and ate a mouse.

"Maybe I'll get a pet fox or something later. It does sound like an interesting pet to own..."

"I will name him Tod, he'll be my very best friend, and we will be friends forever."

She watched Spike, adjusting her glasses. "Now that he can talk, it's kind of weird thinking of him as a pet."

"I know, right?" Spike said as he ran past carrying a toy rope. "You kick me out of your room when you change clothes now. You didn't used to. What's that all about?"

"It's ABOUT you commenting on my boobs the very first chance you got!"

"You only got two! It's WEIRD!"

"Get OUT!"

"But you know, all this talk of animals and menageries, it's inspiring me to design a new line of animal-themed apparel."

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"Finally, someone we can sell our wardrobe to!"

Rarity tapped her lips with a well-manicured finger.

While she tapped her phone with the finger with the chewed fingernail and the faint smell of poo.

"We can do that?" Rainbow wondered. "I mean, the zoo's only for little kids, right?"

"Oh, they have MORE than just kids in the pens now, Rainbow Dash!"

"Wait. Your pony world has zoos?" Rainbow asked.

"Of course," Sunset said, frowning.

"Isn't that kinda...y'know...wrong? Horses lockin' up animals in cages?"

"It's okay, we make up for it with LOTS and LOTS of hairless apes."

"Fine, I'll keep my double-standards to myself."

Sunset examined the map. "So where do we go first?" she asked. "The Jungalow? Savanna Le Mon? The Roo Range? Flappy's Bird Arcade?"

"That last one sounds like an angry place."

"Yeah, it says here they've had to rebuild it several times."

Pinkie Pie pressed her face between the bars. "Hey! You! Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? ¿Cómo se llama, llama?"

The llama cut its eyes over to her, dropped what it was chewing,

...and said, "Look, babe, tell Yzma that, hahaha, very funny, but whatever she got when she sold me here I'm going to get back, with interest!"

The attendant held out a hand. "That'll be twenty-seven dollars," she said. "For the shirt."

"For real?" Pinkie cried.

"I'm really gonna whip that llama's ass!"

Fluttershy frowned. "This is wrong," she said. "Every one of these animals has been domesticated."

"I knew it was bad news when that little blond boy with the rose ran around taming them all."

Even as she said all this, she held a handful of corn out for a zebra to nibble at while she scratched behind its ears. "You don't want to be somebody's pet, do you boy? You want to be a wild, free, proud beast of the grasslands! Yes you do! Yes you do!"

"She wants to run free, rhyming and brewing and giving people advice!"

"...Sunset?"

"Sorry, mistook her for someone."

"Oh, the lions have their own separate enclosure," Fluttershy said. "Probably being fed slabs of raw meat instead of being allowed to hunt like nature intended," she muttered.

"Well, yeah," Sunset said, biting her lip. "I mean, it'd cost the zoo way too much money to keep livestock on hand just for the lions to hunt, wouldn't it?"

"Who said anything about hunting livestock?"

"...OH-KAY, we're gonna go to that paddock over there..."

"Yes," Fluttershy said. "It would. But still...it's their nature to hunt..."

"Sunset? Fluttershy's grin is scaring me."

"I know, it scares me too."

Even as she said that, a meerkat poked its head up from a burrow, sniffing around. A massive hornbill swooped down, snatched it up, and gobbled it down right in front of the girls.

"Oh my god!" Rarity gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

"DUDE!" Rainbow cried, eyes wide.

"Timon, NOOO!"

"I knew there was something familiar about that Hawaiian skirt."

"Look, kid, I dunno what to tell you," the zookeeper said. "We used to put all the animals in cages, people complained it was wrong. We built habitats where they could run wild, people complained they couldn't see the animals very well because they were all over the habitat.

"We let the animals run free in the zoo, and they complained about all the predators depredating."

"No leaving the screened paths," one attendant said. "There's a bit of a bug and feces problem in there, we have insect repellant right here, free of charge."

That was when a dung beetle rolled a ten foot-tall katamari past them, several zoo guests stuck on it.

"Be careful," the other attendant advised. "Some of the apes get into the visitor paths. They're generally friendly and won't bother you, but if you run across a loose ape, it's best to just back away slowly."

"Also, if you spot an orangutan, for the love of life and limb don't call him 'monkey'."

"Oh, watch out for lemurs," the first attendant said. "They get pretty much everywhere and they're curious about visitors."

"They're so curious, we have to perform lemur cavity searches after every tour."

"Oh, those poor monkeys!"

"It's not the lemurs we search."

"..."

"Oh, come on, girls!" Fluttershy said. "Jungle animals are so exciting! And lemurs and chimpanzees are so adorable!"

"Especially when they smile so wide you can see all their teeth!"

As they entered, a trio of ocelots loitering near the entrance looked up in interest, a single paw raised, ears perked, sniffing the air curiously.

It rolled over, then again, and continued revolving for a while. A strange ocelot, that one.

"Why, this is delightful!" Rarity said. "Such color and whimsy! The smell aside, I can feel the inspiration welling up inside me!" She began swinging her phone this way and that, taking pictures of the bright, colorful birds, the ocelots, and the jungle flora.

"That's it! I've come up with a brand new line!"

myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/images/anime/2/83518l.jpg

It clicked angrily at the other one, who dropped into Sunset's bag, snatched a can of Dr Pepper, and vaulted up into the trees.

"HEY! I was saving that for later!" Sunset cried.

"Now I'll have to do with Mr. Pibb!"

"Sunset, NO! Girls, get that monkey!"

Ten minutes later found the traumatized girls parked on a ring of benches at one of the zoo's hubs.

"Well that happened," Rainbow Dash muttered flatly.

"It was... educational."

"Twilight, you're a perv."

"What? It's not like they do that kind of thing on the Discovery Channel!"

"We can't give up now," Fluttershy said. "There's still so much more to see!"

"There's more to see than can ever be seen! More to do than can ever be done!"

"Besides, I...I want to see what other bizarre practices and breaches of ethics are going on at this zoo."

"Fluttershy, YOU'RE a perv."

"I-I meant the management, not the animals!"

"Maybe that's why the attendance lines are so short?" Twilight wondered, absently playing with her phone. "Now that we've got a minute to sit, I'm looking online, and I'm kinda seeing a lot of bad stuff about this zoo."

"This one Yelp review is nothing but an actual yelp."

"Must've had a run in with the lemurs."

With a round of halfhearted agreement, the girls finished up their refreshments and made their way to the Reptile Room, which—to their relief—was a completely enclosed exhibit with no contact between visitors and animals.

Which, in Fluttershy's eyes, constituted a reptile dysfunction.

Two steps inside, a big, wet mess of bird poop landed smack in the middle of Pinkie Pie's rented umbrella hat, dripping down the sides and onto her T-shirt.

"That was a LOT of poo for just one bird!"

"That's why you should always respect hummingbirds."

"It's...really, really birdy in here," Twilight said.

"Yah, Ah also reckon it's mighty birdy."

Gulls and pelicans swarmed this pond, shrieking and cawing raucously at each other as they fought to depopulate the shellfish crawling around in the shallows.

media.giphy.com/media/QarzfWMYADn0s/giphy.gif

"I love mallard drakes!" Fluttershy cooed.

"I dunno," Pinkie said skeptically. "They don't look like the terror that flaps in the night. And where are their coats and hats?"

"No idea, but I think that one just fired its gas gun at me."

"O-oh...that's right!" Twilight said. "Macaws, like all true parrots, only mimic things they've heard. They lack any real understanding of their own vocabulary."

"Just like Twitter!"

"Rainbow's pussy," the macaw said. "Raaaaaainbow's pussy."

Rainbow Dash's irises narrowed to pinpricks, a blank expression descending upon her face like a shroud. "What."

Little did the macaw know that it had cawed its last.

It had been behind the chicken coop when they arrived, but it strutted around the corner, its head bobbing, its feet scratch-stepping. It turned its beady eyes this way and that, then tipped its head back, spread its wings, and crowed.

The girls stared, wide-eyed.

The damn thing was three feet tall.

"Holy shit," Rainbow whispered.

"It's a baby chocobo!"

"Now I remember!" Fluttershy said. "Brahma chickens used to be the main breed used for poultry a long time ago, but then industrial farmers switched to using smaller, faster-growing chickens, and Brahma chickens sort of phased out. I mean, there are still people raising them, just...just not that many."

"Ooooh, so there was shrinkage!"

"Applejack, hit Pinkie Pie again."

*whap!*

"OW!"

"Thank you."

"Man, imagine the chicken dinner you could get off one of those," Rainbow said, watching the hens peck around.

"Ah wouldn't wanna be the one that had to kill it," Applejack said, shuddering. "Them things look downright vicious."

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By the time they were outside the aviary and back on the zoo's cobbled paths, their umbrella hats were completely covered in bird droppings,

Except for AJ, who had slapped hers on Pinkie Pie's head.

"It's a shame, because I really would've liked to study some monotremes and marsupials up close and personal," Twilight said, "but...I think if we'd gone to the Roo Range..." She shuddered.

"I know, those echidnas are really vicious."

A mallard drake sat perched on the foot of her bed, fixing her with a gimlet stare.

Oh no! A winged scourge that pecks at her nightmares!

8692583

I love how your play-by-play responses are just as funny as the actual fic itself.

Huh, I'm guessing you had a bad experience at a zoo once. I've been to my fair share and never had problems like this. Worst zoo I went to the only complaint I had was it was insanely small. Went through the damn thing in like 45 minutes. Though didn't go through all this Crocodile Hunter nonsense.

Still pretty funny, especially the Bird part, that was funny. Also don't worry Pinkie, I understood your reference. Darkwing Duck is always a win

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We're going to the zoo. We're going to the zoo. And then we're gonna see some animals.

Dammit, Dakota.

I was literally going through the comments just to see if that reference had indeed been made.

I can now rest easy. :pinkiehappy:

I haven’t been to the zoo in years. So many good memories. Though I remember it being more innocent and fun than the time these girls experienced.

Who did that Macaw hear saying so many lewd things about those specific girls?

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The Mystery Science Theater is strong with that one.

I'm pretty sure I caught at least two SS&E references in that, maybe three.

"Albino corn?"

"I have kind of a love-hate relationship with it."

I spent like, five minutes trying to think of something to say. But, that says everything it needs to say.

Fun story! Meta as hell! Good luck with the contest!

8692868
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. 😄

Has anyone done a ship of Dog Spike and Winona? I weirdly want to see that ship.

"Yeah!" Pinkie exclaimed, thrusting a fist skyward. "We're going to the zoo! We're going to the zoo! And then we're gonna see some animals!"

XD Milo Murphy's Law.

8692307

Sunset frowned. "I'm not sure," she said. "I...thinkllamas are sapient there? I've honestly never met one though."

I like to imagine if they are, their ruler is just Kuzco. Yes that Kuzco.

DEMON LLAMA.

Funny story: the aquarium closest to me has an exhibit (actually, a couple) where hammerhead sharks are in the same tank as a school of sardines (or maybe anchovies. Both are in the aquarium somewhere, but I don't remember which is which). Usually this isn't a problem, as the sardines stick together in a tight and frankly beautiful school that, to predators, looks like a really big fish. But one time, when I was there, a single fish split off from the school. It enjoyed about two minutes of total independence, and then a hammerhead swam by and snapped it up in a single bite. Clearly, I wasn't the only one watching, as the entire room (and it's a big room) audibly reacted.
The thing with the meerkat reminded me, so I thought I'd bring this up.

I was just surprised at no Chicken Boo apperance.

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Well, Scootaloo was not on the trip... :scootangel:

8693281

Chicken Boo was there the whole time. Did you not see the attendants?

chimpanzees are so adorable!

I can't tell if Fluttershy is having a "nature is so fascinating moment" or whether she just hasn't watched enough EQG!David Attenborough documentaries...

You can take an animal out of the wild, but you can't take the wild out of an animal.

Chimpanzees are horror incarnate. The only thing that keeps sharks from evolving legs to come out of the water and devour all flesh is because chimpanzees live on land.

Somebody get this freakin' duck away from me!

The college-aged girl working the concession stand had light mocha colored skin and long, straight brown hair, a dull, defeated expression in her eyes, and wore a jersey with the numbers "34" and "42" on the front. "What can I get you?" she asked.

"Ah'll have a medium root beer an' a chili cheese fries," Applejack said.

"Make that two," Rainbow said.

"Cotton candy and a medium cherry cola please!" Pinkie piped up.

"Corn dog and a diet cola," Twilight said.

"Hmm...just a bottled water for me, please," Rarity said.

"I'll have a vanilla ice cream," Fluttershy said softly.

"I'd just like a cup of ice, please," Sunset said.

"Just ice?"

"Just ice."

Heh, that's clever. The only other author reference I spotted was the Albinocorn one.

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For future reference? It's usually preferable to make one comment per chapter with everything you want to say instead of making a new comment for each thing you're commenting on in the chapter. :twilightsmile: Thanks for reading!

"Oh goodness," Fluttershy said, blinking. "I...I don't know if I can decide! When it comes to cute cuddly critters, I'm a fan of most everything, so..." She bit her lip.

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the reference to FanOfMostEverything yet

8693509

Most members of the Hominidae family are like that. Including ourselves. :twistnerd:

Ooh! I wanna see some lions!" Pinkie exclaimed. "And some tigers! Ooh! Ooh! And a bear!"

"Oh my!"

I expected a Great and Powerful Oz Trixie cameo here.

This is a bad zoo.

Regardless, what a good story!

So was the entire thing an SS&E reference, or only a third of it?

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The entire thing? No. But the SS&E references are many and varied.

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Holy shit, how the hell did I miss THAT one?

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And since I've only ever read a few of SS&E's stories, somehow I suspect that I missed most of those references.

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They're not so much story references as they are just...Skirts references. Like, in general. Except one thing which kind of is a story reference, but most are not.

Reminds me of the zoo in Racine, since there are no walls between humans and animals there. Freaking emu almost attacked my dad if anything. But yes, open enclosures and high prices for goods and gifts often don't match, especially during winter when most of the food stands are closed and the only restaurant has dry hamburgers. I did enjoy the story a lot, and hopefully Fluttershy will use her powers to get the animals to retake the zoo and make it a better place for all.

8694676
The sad thing is that I'm a pretty big Skirts fan and somehow missed every reference.

I liked this story. There's something so slice of life-y about them having a crummy day but with some nice moments sprinkled in, and that's it. There's not really a point and it's very believable.

I recently went to a petting zoo slash drive through safari and it was awesome. There were baby kangaroos you could feed and pet.

I had so many flashbacks to Kemono Friends it made this story even funnier. Awesome read.

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