(and exotherms too)
"You know, I never woulda pegged you for a lizard," Rainbow Dash said.
The Rainbooms were gathered at Fluttershy's house for a pet playdate. While the girls sat around chatting and taking pictures and video with their phones, Spike and Winona chased each other around the house barking, Angel Bunny hopped from lap to lap demanding tidbits of veggies and ear fluffs, Opalescence lay curled up and fluffed out grumpily next to Pinkie Pie's stuffed alligator Gummy, and the newest pet in the group, Sunset Shimmer's leopard gecko Ray, was sunning himself lazily atop Tank's shell.
"Well she's not a lizard, silly!" Pinkie Pie said. "She's a pony!"
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."
"Honestly, I agree with Rainbow Dash," Rarity said. "You could've chosen something soft and fluffy and cuddly, like...like a fox! Or a chinchilla, or a ferret—"
"Ooh, a fox!" Pinkie cooed. "That would've been the perfect pet for you!"
Sunset chuckled. "Well, Ray here just...kinda spoke to me, you know?"
Pinkie gasped. "HE CAN TALK?!"
"No, Pinkie Pie, he...he really can't," Fluttershy said soberly, reaching out to run a buttery finger along the spotted lizard's back.
"Aww," Pinkie whined. "That would've been awesome. He could like, randomly babble off some long-winded existential ice cream koan out of nowhere and we'd be all like, whaaaa?"
Everyone, even the animals, stared at her.
Sunset shook her head. "Anyway," she said, "there's no law that says I can only have one pet. I mean, look at Fluttershy's little menagerie." She laughed. "Maybe I'll get a pet fox or something later. It does sound like an interesting pet to own..."
"You know, I wouldn't mind another pet around the house myself," Twilight said. "Spike could use the company when everyone's too busy to play with him, and besides..." She watched Spike, adjusting her glasses. "Now that he can talk, it's kind of weird thinking of him as a pet."
"I know, right?" Spike said as he ran past carrying a toy rope. "You kick me out of your room when you change clothes now. You didn't used to. What's that all about?"
"Never you mind, Spikey-poo," Rarity said as the other girls giggled and snickered. Twilight blushed, playing with her hair. "But you know, all this talk of animals and menageries, it's inspiring me to design a new line of animal-themed apparel." Rarity tapped her lips with a well-manicured finger. "I should really do some research, get some ideas going."
"Oh, I know!" Fluttershy said brightly. "Let's go to the zoo!"
The others blinked, looking around at each other.
"We can do that?" Rainbow wondered. "I mean, the zoo's only for little kids, right?"
"Oh, goodness no!" Fluttershy said. "The zoo is a wonderful place for anyone to visit who loves animals!"
"Zoos are very educational," Twilight said, adjusting her glasses. "And fun!"
"Come to think of it, I've never been to the zoo," Sunset mused. "Here or in Equestria!"
"Wait. Your pony world has zoos?" Rainbow asked.
"Of course," Sunset said, frowning.
"Isn't that kinda...y'know...wrong? Horses lockin' up animals in cages?"
Sunset groaned and rolled her eyes. "Not all animals are sapient in Equestria, Rainbow Dash. Just most ungulates."
"Unguwhats?" Rainbow repeated, crossing her eyes.
"Livestock basically," Twilight said. "Err...no offense?"
Sunset snorted. "None taken," she said with a self-deprecating smirk.
"So...guess we're all up fer a trip t' th' zoo then?" Applejack said. A round of general murmurs of agreement answered her. "Well alright then. When're we gonna go?"
"How about right now?" Fluttershy suggested. "It's still pretty early, we have all day to look around."
"But what about the pets?" Twilight asked.
Sunset shrugged. "Fluttershy's mom can look after them," she said. "There's already so many little critters roaming around, a few more won't make a difference."
"Yeah, besides, I'm here!" Spike said. "I can keep these guys in line." Winona let out a happy bark and wagged her tail.
"Okay then," Fluttershy said, smiling brightly. "Let's do it!"
"Yeah!" Pinkie exclaimed, thrusting a fist skyward. "We're going to the zoo! We're going to the zoo! And then we're gonna see some animals!"
* * * * *
Seven girls got off the bus outside the Canterlot City Zoo and queued up at the admission line. It wasn't terribly long; after a mere ten minute wait, the girls were walking down a broad cobblestone path leading through tall, leafy trees and lined with branching paths and benches. Large glass and steel directory boards were posted here and there, featuring maps of the zoo and pointing helpfully to the nearest enclosures. "Wow, this place smells like a zoo," Rainbow commented.
"Uhh...Rainbow? It is a zoo."
"Oh yeah."
Sunset examined the map. "So where do we go first?" she asked. "The Jungalow? Savanna Le Mon? The Roo Range? Flappy's Bird Arcade?"
"I like the Fuzzy Forest," Fluttershy said.
"The Reptile Room sounds cool," Rainbow opined.
"Anywhere but the icky icky Bug Crawl," Rarity said, grimacing.
"Who named these things?" Twilight wondered.
"Ooh! I wanna see some lions!" Pinkie exclaimed. "And some tigers! Ooh! Ooh! And a bear!"
"Oh my!" Fluttershy said. "Those...are all in completely different enclosures!"
"I know," Pinkie whined. "I'm not an idiot..."
"Let's let Fluttershy decide, since she's th' animal expert an' all," Applejack said.
"Oh goodness," Fluttershy said, blinking. "I...I don't know if I can decide! When it comes to cute cuddly critters, I'm a fan of most everything, so..." She bit her lip.
"Let's do the Savanna first," Sunset said firmly. The girls shrugged and followed her down the path leading to the Savanna Le Mon. Along the way, they stopped to visit smaller exhibits peppered here and there by the wandering trails, housing animals that didn't fit the theme of any of the habitats. One of the first animals they stopped to see was a large, shaggy llama. It regarded them blandly as it chewed its lunch.
"Okay so, would you have one of these in your zoos back in Equestria?" Rainbow asked.
Sunset frowned. "I'm not sure," she said. "I...think llamas are sapient there? I've honestly never met one though."
Pinkie Pie pressed her face between the bars. "Hey! You! Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? ¿Cómo se llama, llama?"
The llama cut its eyes over to her, dropped what it was chewing, and spat at her, coating her face, hair, and the top of her shirt in foul-smelling saliva and half-eaten vegetation.
"EWWW!" Pinkie complained. "What's your drama, llama?"
"Oh, gross!" Rainbow said, stepping away from Pinkie and wrinkling her nose.
A park attendant rushed over carrying a towel. "Sorry!" she said. "He does that sometimes. Bad Lorenzo! Bad!" Lorenzo the Llama snorted and turned away, taking up a fresh mouthful of food and chewing placidly. The attendant handed Pinkie the damp towel; she began wiping her face and hair. "I'll get you a T-shirt from the gift stand," the attendant said. "You can change in one of the restrooms."
"Thanks," Pinkie said.
The attendant held out a hand. "That'll be twenty-seven dollars," she said. "For the shirt."
"For real?" Pinkie cried.
The attendant shrugged. "What, you think we're just gonna give away a souvenir shirt for free? Besides, you did kinda tease the llama."
Pinkie shrugged. "Fair enough." She handed over the money and rushed over to the nearest restroom while the attendant jogged over to the gift shop. Five minutes later, Pinkie rejoined the group wearing a pink T-shirt that said 'I PARTIED WITH ANIMALS AT THE CANTERLOT ZOO!' in bright red letters on the front.
Rainbow snickered. "Yeah, I'll say you did."
Pinkie blew upward on her curly forelock. "Let's get away from Spitty McSpitface here and look at something else."
"Like what, the monkeys?" Sunset asked in a teasing tone.
Pinkie stiffened, turning her head sloooooowly toward Sunset. "Yyyyyeahnomonkeys," she said firmly. The other girls cracked up. Rolling her eyes, Sunset pressed on toward the Savanna Le Mon, the others following behind her.
Tall reeds interwoven into chain link fences surrounded the Savanna Le Mon, where park attendants kept watch over the gates and sold bags and buckets of feed. Lists of rules and precautions were posted everywhere. As the girls lined up to enter, Rarity raised an eyebrow at the sign posting the price of feed. "Albino corn?"
"It's a special breed of white corn," the bored attendant said. "The herbivores love it but it's too expensive to use as normal feed, so we sell it for visitors to give them as treats."
"Oh yeah, I know this stuff," Sunset said. "I have kind of a love-hate relationship with it." The girls bought feed and were waved through the gates into a reasonable facsimile of a Zebrican grassland. Wildebeests and zebras wandered about in tall grasses, two huge hippos lazed in a muddy pond, and dozens of birds—flightless and flighted—pecked through the grass or roosted in broad, gnarled trees. A fine mesh screen overhead kept the birds from leaving the enclosure. On the opposite end of the enclosure, a giraffe gnawed at the top of a tree. Numerous smaller animals scurried here and there. As the girls fanned out and took everything in, a brightly colored hornbill flapped right in their faces, making a tremendous racket.
"GWAH!" Rainbow cried. She threw a handful of corn some feet away; the hornbill descended upon it, several other birds gathering to join in. Other animals perked up, scenting the corn, and began approaching the girls.
Fluttershy frowned. "This is wrong," she said. "Every one of these animals has been domesticated."
"How can you tell?" Sunset asked.
Fluttershy shook her head. "They're lining up to be fed. I thought something was wrong when they were pushing the corn so hard out there. These poor critters aren't living free."
"Uhh, Fluttershy? They're in a cage. A really big cage," Rainbow pointed out.
"Yes, but it's a cage designed to resemble their natural habitat. What's the point of that if the staff here are just domesticating them anyway? They're acting like...like pets. Or livestock." Even as she said all this, she held a handful of corn out for a zebra to nibble at while she scratched behind its ears. "You don't want to be somebody's pet, do you boy? You want to be a wild, free, proud beast of the grasslands! Yes you do! Yes you do!"
"Man, this sucks!" Rainbow said, looking around at all the animals lining up for feed. The other girls were scattering handfuls of corn for the birds or letting the zebras and wildebeests eat from their hands like Fluttershy. "Where's the cool animals? I wanna see some lions!"
"Oh, the lions have their own separate enclosure," Fluttershy said. "Probably being fed slabs of raw meat instead of being allowed to hunt like nature intended," she muttered.
"Well, yeah," Sunset said, biting her lip. "I mean, it'd cost the zoo way too much money to keep livestock on hand just for the lions to hunt, wouldn't it?"
"Yes," Fluttershy said. "It would. But still...it's their nature to hunt..."
"Actually, isn't it their nature to be like, super lazy?" Twilight asked. "I mean, lions are just really big cats. I think I saw a nature show once where the lions basically lie around in the sun all day unless they're hungry."
"Even so, predators and prey animals are never kept together in a zoo," Fluttershy said. "For obvious reasons."
Even as she said that, a meerkat poked its head up from a burrow, sniffing around. A massive hornbill swooped down, snatched it up, and gobbled it down right in front of the girls.
"Oh my god!" Rarity gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.
"DUDE!" Rainbow cried, eyes wide.
"Like I said, obvious reasons," Fluttershy grumbled, glaring at the hornbill.
Sunset swallowed. "Let's, uhh...let's get out of here," she said. "Let's check out that Jungalow next."
* * * * *
The zoo staff seemed thoroughly unconcerned with Fluttershy's report of the death of a meerkat. "We overpopulate some of the smaller animals for a reason," a zookeeper explained. "The meerkats, prairie dogs, and so forth? They tend to get snacked on." At the girls' horrified expressions, he shrugged. "It's the circle of life."
"Yes, but," Fluttershy argued, "you're domesticating wild animals in your zoo, but you put animals together in enclosures where you know something like this is going to happen! And domesticating the animals in the first place is why that poor little meerkat had no idea it was about to be some big birdie's lunch!"
"Look, kid, I dunno what to tell you," the zookeeper said. "We used to put all the animals in cages, people complained it was wrong. We built habitats where they could run wild, people complained they couldn't see the animals very well because they were all over the habitat. Then we had people climbing over the fences and getting hurt and suing the zoo. So we decided to tame the animals and let people into the enclosures to get up close and personal with the safe ones. Now we get animals crowding guests for corn and meerkats and prairie dogs getting munched almost as fast as they breed—which, by the way, is pretty dang fast, so when the occasional varmint gets gobbled? It's good for the zoo. It's population control." He shook his head. "We've been doing this a long time, kid. Trust me, this is the best way to keep the animals and the people who come to see them safe and happy."
Fluttershy bit her lip. After a long moment, she sighed. "Well...I guess," she said. "It just...it doesn't feel right."
"Yeah, well...it's the price you pay," the zookeeper said in a fatalistic tone.
As the girls walked away, Applejack shook her head. "Ah don't care whut that fella said, somethin' about this here zoo's jes' plain fishy." As if to punctuate her statement, a carp jumped up out of a thin stream running parallel to the path, its scales shimmering in the sun for a moment before it splashed neatly back into the water.
"Should we...should we maybe call it a day?" Twilight suggested.
"No," Fluttershy said. "We came here to see all the animals, and we're going to see all the animals." She took a deep breath. "Besides, it's not fair of me to ruin you girls' fun." She put on a brave smile. "Don't mind me. Let's...let's just enjoy our day at the zoo as friends, okay?"
They made their way to the "Jungalow", an enclosure surrounded by damp rocks stacked two adults deep, with a thick canopy of tropical forest covering the entire paddock. There was no feed offered for purchase here; rather, the attendants offered the rental of galoshes and broad-brimmed, netted hats. "No leaving the screened paths," one attendant said. "There's a bit of a bug and feces problem in there, we have insect repellant right here, free of charge."
"Be careful," the other attendant advised. "Some of the apes get into the visitor paths. They're generally friendly and won't bother you, but if you run across a loose ape, it's best to just back away slowly."
"Oh, watch out for lemurs," the first attendant said. "They get pretty much everywhere and they're curious about visitors."
The girls looked at each other. "Umm...suddenly Ah ain't so sure 'bout goin' in here," Applejack said.
"It does sound a bit...bleugh," Rarity hedged.
"Oh, come on, girls!" Fluttershy said. "Jungle animals are so exciting! And lemurs and chimpanzees are so adorable!"
The girls looked at each other, shrugged, and ponied up the dough for galoshes and netted hats. Once they were geared up and had sprayed on insect repellant, they made their way through the gates into the Jungalow. "This little trip to the zoo is getting kind of expensive," Sunset remarked as they stepped onto a cool, shady, loamy path. The sounds of jungle animals filled the air around them. As they entered, a trio of ocelots loitering near the entrance looked up in interest, a single paw raised, ears perked, sniffing the air curiously. A toucan in a tree that hung over the path warbled, cocking its head to fix a beady eye on them. A heady, earthy smell of damp growth, rich soil, and the droppings of many, many different animals hung heavy in the humid air.
"Why, this is delightful!" Rarity said. "Such color and whimsy! The smell aside, I can feel the inspiration welling up inside me!" She began swinging her phone this way and that, taking pictures of the bright, colorful birds, the ocelots, and the jungle flora.
"It is kinda...relaxing," Sunset said with a smile. The girls wandered further down the trail, mindful of the insects buzzing about, watching dozens of birds and mammals meander in and out of view from the dense trees lining the path.
"Ooh, look girls!" Fluttershy squealed in delight. "Lemurs!" The girls followed her excited pointing finger to a pair of ring-tailed lemurs which sat perched atop the screen, peering down at them curiously. With lopey, ranging, languid movements, the lemurs dropped down onto the path and shuffled up to the girls, clicking and chittering amongst themselves. One lemur suddenly jumped onto Rainbow Dash and began climbing all over her back and shoulders. "H-hey!" Rainbow cried, flailing around in alarm as the lemur climbed up and down her back several times. She started giggling. "Th-that tickles! Wha—what—get this thing off me!"
The other lemur sat perched on its hind legs, peering curiously up at Sunset Shimmer. She watched it with nervous teal eyes. It crept around behind her, tail swishing. It jumped up onto her shoulder and buried its wet nose in her hair. "GWAH!" Sunset cried.
"It's okay," Fluttershy said soothingly. "They're just curious. They won't hurt you, they're not dangerous. Just let them be and they'll WHOA!" The last came as a dark shape dropped down in front of her; she took a step back, blinking as a hairy ape landed on the loamy path, coming up to her stomach and favoring her with a toothy grin.
"Ooh, it's a chimpanzee!" Pinkie said excitedly.
"Not exactly," Fluttershy said, crouching down slightly. "It's a bonobo."
Rainbow, trying to extract the lemur from her hair, frowned. "You mean those crazy sex monkeys?"
"Bonobos are apes, not monkeys," Fluttershy said. "And—"
A second bonobo dropped into the path, tackled the first one, and started aggressively screwing him right in front of the girls. Several apes watching from the trees hooted and screeched.
"WHOA, HOLY CRAP!" Rainbow cried. Her outburst startled the lemur, who let out a bark and jumped off her, climbing the screen and jumping back into the trees. It clicked angrily at the other one, who dropped into Sunset's bag, snatched a can of Dr Pepper, and vaulted up into the trees.
"HEY! I was saving that for later!" Sunset cried. The lemur clicked at her, pried open the pop top with its teeth, and guzzled the soda, spilling a lot of it on the mating bonobos below.
Three more bonobos dropped onto the path. The girls looked around with startled eyes and faintly nauseated expressions. "Let's get out of here," Twilight suggested.
The girls ran for the exit, trying to shut out the increasing sounds of wild ape sex.
* * * * *
Ten minutes later found the traumatized girls parked on a ring of benches at one of the zoo's hubs.
"Well that happened," Rainbow Dash muttered flatly.
Sunset grumbled as she went through her bag. "Well, at least I still have one Dr Pepper left," she muttered. "Damn lemur."
"Pretty sure the one that was climbing me felt me up a couple of times," Rainbow said.
"Oh, Rainbow Dash, that's just your imagination," Fluttershy said. "I guess if we'd stuck around, the bonobos might have...gotten ideas...but lemurs aren't like that."
"We're sure gettin' an education today," Applejack said sourly. She smacked her lips. "Ah could use somethin' t' drink. Maybe a snack."
"Me too," Pinkie said.
"The concession stand's just over that way," Twilight said. The girls hiked over to a large wooden concession booth decorated with painted wooden cutouts of various animals. The college-aged girl working the concession stand had light mocha colored skin and long, straight brown hair, a dull, defeated expression in her eyes, and wore a jersey with the numbers "34" and "42" on the front. "What can I get you?" she asked.
"Ah'll have a medium root beer an' a chili cheese fries," Applejack said.
"Make that two," Rainbow said.
"Cotton candy and a medium cherry cola please!" Pinkie piped up.
"Corn dog and a diet cola," Twilight said.
"Hmm...just a bottled water for me, please," Rarity said.
"I'll have a vanilla ice cream," Fluttershy said softly.
"I'd just like a cup of ice, please," Sunset said.
"Just ice?"
"Just ice."
Once the girls had all been served, they occupied a nearby picnic table. Sunset poured her surviving soda over her cup of ice, while the other girls occupied themselves with their own snacks and drinks. "I don't know about you girls, but I'm not having much fun today," Pinkie complained.
"It's been...strange," Sunset admitted. "Not at all what I was expecting."
"We can't give up now," Fluttershy said. "There's still so much more to see! Besides, I...I want to see what other bizarre practices and breaches of ethics are going on at this zoo." She frowned. "I don't think the people running this place know what they're doing."
"Maybe that's why the attendance lines are so short?" Twilight wondered, absently playing with her phone. "Now that we've got a minute to sit, I'm looking online, and I'm kinda seeing a lot of bad stuff about this zoo."
"Gee, I wonder why," Rainbow said sarcastically.
"Ah gotta think there's somethin' fun t' see an' do at this here zoo," Applejack said. "Ah mean, it ain't honestly been that bad, has it? There's jes' been a couple rotten apples in th' barrel, is all."
"Applejack's right," Sunset said. "Just because we've had a shaky morning, that doesn't mean we have to call the whole day a lost cause!" She smiled brightly.
With a round of halfhearted agreement, the girls finished up their refreshments and made their way to the Reptile Room, which—to their relief—was a completely enclosed exhibit with no contact between visitors and animals. For thirty stress-free minutes, the girls walked down halls lined by glass windows overlooking massive terrariums full of reptiles and amphibians from every environment known to man. They saw snakes, geckos, iguanas, frogs, toads, tortoises, turtles, lizards, alligators, crocodiles, Komodo dragons, and Gila monsters. By the time they left the Reptile Room, they were in good spirits.
That all came crashing down in flames around their heads when they entered Flappy's Bird Arcade.
Two steps inside, a big, wet mess of bird poop landed smack in the middle of Pinkie Pie's rented umbrella hat, dripping down the sides and onto her T-shirt. The others recoiled from her. She rolled her eyes, sighed wearily, and blew out a long, loud raspberry, eyes half-lidded as she pointed a single finger into the heart of the bird refuge. As Twilight fished out some wet wipes for Pinkie to clean herself up with, the girls slowly, cautiously crept through the menagerie, looking around in interest and concern.
"It's...really, really birdy in here," Twilight said.
"Ooh, there's a lot of rare species here!" Fluttershy cooed. She pulled out her phone and began snapping pictures of all the colorful, pretty birds flying around.
The aviary covered a lot of ground, and the entire circumference was lined with two different ponds. One was a freshwater lake which was more of a marsh at one end and more of a mountain lake at the other, while the other pond tried to emulate a shallow inlet. Gulls and pelicans swarmed this pond, shrieking and cawing raucously at each other as they fought to depopulate the shellfish crawling around in the shallows. The other pond was home to numerous ducks, swans, geese, and other waterfowl. "Look over there!" Fluttershy said excitedly, pointing to the reeds near the entrance. "I see some drakes!"
"Mallards, specifically," Twilight said as the girls walked up to the edge of the water, observing two large ducks with green heads swimming placidly amid the reeds. "I've always wanted to see one up close. Their coloration is amazing!"
"They have green heads," Rainbow stated bluntly. "What's so amazing about that?"
"Well, it's the solidity of color and the white band around their necks," Twilight said. "And the fact that only the males have green heads. The females don't even look like the same species of duck, their feathers are...blah!"
"I love mallard drakes!" Fluttershy cooed.
"I dunno," Pinkie said skeptically. "They don't look like the terror that flaps in the night. And where are their coats and hats?"
One of the drakes quacked at Pinkie. Applejack gently pulled her away from the water's edge. "Ah wouldn't if Ah was you," she said.
Pinkie sighed. "Yeah, today's not my day for random references out of nowhere," she admitted.
A bright blue macaw glided down and landed on a thick, bent reed near the water's edge. "Pretty blue," it squawked.
"Ooh, a parrot!" Rainbow said excitedly, leaning in close.
"A macaw, actually," Twilight said.
"Pretty blue!" the macaw repeated.
"Oh, you definitely are, you cutie you," Fluttershy cooed.
"Cute butt," the macaw croaked. "Fluttershy has a cute butt."
The girls blinked and stared. "Um. Thank you?" Fluttershy muttered, blushing. "I..."
"Fluttershy has a cute butt," the macaw said again.
Pinkie Pie laughed. "Wow, this bird's a riot!"
"This bird's a pervert," Rarity muttered disdainfully.
Sunset rolled her eyes. "More like it met some perverts," she said.
"O-oh...that's right!" Twilight said. "Macaws, like all true parrots, only mimic things they've heard. They lack any real understanding of their own vocabulary."
Rainbow frowned. "So like, what, somebody who came here was talkin' about Fluttershy?"
"Fluuuuuuuttershy," the macaw croaked. "Fluttershy has a cute butt."
"Oh-KAY!" Fluttershy said brightly, clapping her hands together, her face beet red. "Why don't we leave the nice birdie alone and—oh, look! There's a FLAMINGO over there!"
"Flaaaamingqueer," the macaw said. "Flamingqueer."
Rainbow laughed. "Pinkie's right, this bird is awesome!" she cried.
"Knock it off, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight chided.
"Rainbow's pussy," the macaw said. "Raaaaaainbow's pussy."
Rainbow Dash's irises narrowed to pinpricks, a blank expression descending upon her face like a shroud. "What."
The girls wandered off in a different direction after that, none of them daring to say a word. The macaw followed them, croaking "Rainbow's pussy" and "Fluttershy has a cute butt" at them. Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow attempted to shoo the bird away, to no avail.
They reached the center of the aviary and found a sign with an arrow pointing west, declaring 'Be Sure To See The Jaw-Dropping Brahma Chickens!' Sunset blinked. "Brahma chickens?"
The macaw suddenly went into a mad flapping frenzy. "Biiiiig cocks!" it squawked. "Biiiiiig cocks!" Without warning, it shot off to the east as fast as its bright blue feathered wings could take it. The girls stared at each other, shrugged, and followed the sign.
"So, Fluttershy, what are Brahma chickens?" Rarity asked.
"I'm not entirely sure," Fluttershy said. "It...sounds familiar? I think?"
"Sounds familiar t' me too," Applejack said. "Can't quite put mah finger on it..."
"Look, girls! A chicken coop!" Pinkie said excitedly as they rounded a dense copse of trees.
"A big chicken coop," Sunset observed. The chicken coop stood six feet tall and had openings a child could easily walk through without bending over. "I don't see any chi—"
And then, with a flurry of clucks, it appeared.
It had been behind the chicken coop when they arrived, but it strutted around the corner, its head bobbing, its feet scratch-stepping. It turned its beady eyes this way and that, then tipped its head back, spread its wings, and crowed.
The girls stared, wide-eyed.
The damn thing was three feet tall.
"Holy shit," Rainbow whispered.
"Wow, that is one big cock," Pinkie said. Sunset facepalmed; Applejack slapped Pinkie upside the head with her hat.
Two more Brahma chickens—hens this time—emerged from the coop and began pecking around in the grass, occasionally taking snaps at each other.
"Now I remember!" Fluttershy said. "Brahma chickens used to be the main breed used for poultry a long time ago, but then industrial farmers switched to using smaller, faster-growing chickens, and Brahma chickens sort of phased out. I mean, there are still people raising them, just...just not that many."
"Man, imagine the chicken dinner you could get off one of those," Rainbow said, watching the hens peck around.
"Ah wouldn't wanna be the one that had to kill it," Applejack said, shuddering. "Them things look downright vicious."
"They're not vicious, they're just big," Fluttershy protested.
A cardinal and a blue jay landed amid the Brahma chickens, pecking at a scattered patch of corn. The rooster gave a low, warning cluck, then viciously kicked the smaller birds, sending them rolling across the grass, twittering madly in pain, confusion, and terror.
"Okay they're actually pretty vicious and we should go," Fluttershy said quietly. The girls backed away from the Brahma chickens, then turned and ran for the exit. By the time they were outside the aviary and back on the zoo's cobbled paths, their umbrella hats were completely covered in bird droppings, and the girls themselves were all tired, sweaty, and scratched up.
"Um, so..." Sunset said awkwardly, shuffling her feet. "There's still the Roo Range, and the Fuzzy Forest, or we could—"
"Home," the rest of the girls said flatly.
"I'm sorry, girls," Fluttershy said wearily. "I thought this would be a fun way to spend the day, really I did, but..."
"It's hardly your fault, darling," Rarity said soothingly. "Perhaps...another day, a different zoo in a different city? We could make a weekend of it!"
"Yeah, maybe," Fluttershy said with a sad half-smile.
"It's a shame, because I really would've liked to study some monotremes and marsupials up close and personal," Twilight said, "but...I think if we'd gone to the Roo Range..." She shuddered.
"Yeah, I'm not up for boxing a kangaroo," Rainbow said grimly, picking stray leaves out of her prismatic hair. "And the way today's been goin'? That's exactly what we'd hafta do."
The girls all sighed and trudged wearily to the zoo exit, blithely ignoring the souvenir shops on their way out.
"Umm, Sunset?" Fluttershy asked timidly as they waited for the bus. "I...I hope today hasn't soured you on the idea of adopting another pet."
"Nah," Sunset said with a smile. "I'm still kinda diggin' the idea of a pet fox." She frowned. "Foxes don't eat geckos, do they?"
Fluttershy blinked. "Oh. Umm. Yes. Yes, they do."
"Oh." Sunset shrugged. "Ah well. So much for that."
"Well, today wasn't a total loss," Rarity said. "I did manage to get quite a few pictures that I'm sure will help inspire bold new fashions!"
"I got a new T-shirt out of today, so...yay?" Pinkie offered.
"I have so many new bird pictures to add to my album," Fluttershy said. "I can't wait to blog about it with my bird-watching friends! Oh, umm...minus all the...the embarrassing and scary stuff."
"I kinda want a pet lemur now," Rainbow Dash said. "They were kinda cute and cool, now that I think about it."
"They sure seemed to like you, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight said with a giggle.
"Well, today might not'a turned out like we all thought it would," Applejack said, "but Ah guess...all of us bein' there together made it a mite less awful."
"Yeah, hangin' out with all my friends? Who cares if the zoo sucked? We'll be lookin' back on this and laughin' when we're all old and gray!" Rainbow declared. The other girls agreed heartily, and it was with much lighter spirits that the seven friends boarded the bus for home.
* * * * *
After a big dinner, a dozen fresh-baked cookies, and a long bubble bath with bubblegum-scented bubbles, Pinkie Pie, clean, sweet-smelling, and wearing her favorite nightgown, lay in bed, sound asleep, snoring quietly.
The bedroom door opened, then closed quietly. A soft ruffling sound disturbed the relative silence.
Pinkie's nose twitched. With a snort, she juddered awake, blinking sleepy blue eyes in the darkness. She tilted her head up, looking around the room. As her vision adjusted to the darkness, she made out a slender, dark shape looming over bed. From the dim starlight filtering through the bedroom curtains, it glistened a dark green. Confused and still half-asleep, Pinkie picked up her phone and turned on the flashlight, pointing it at the intruder.
A mallard drake sat perched on the foot of her bed, fixing her with a gimlet stare.
Pinkie Pie screamed.
The door flew open, spilling in light from down the hall. "Umm, Pinkie? Have you—oh, there you are," a quiet voice said. Marble Pie shuffled silently into the room, the one eye not covered by her hair downcast and woeful as she swept the duck up in her arms. She retreated quietly, closing the door behind her with a toe.
The silence and stillness of the night returned.
Pinkie slumped against the headboard, her curls deflating, and sighed wearily.
"Yeah...fuck animals," she said tiredly before turning over on her side, clutching Gummy tightly to her chest, and going back to sleep.
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Wow...what was up with that zoo? Seriously? I half expect a chapter about this in "Sunset Vs" now where Sunset burns down the zoo and gives all the animals to Equestria Fluttershy for wilderness rehabilitation.
Overall quite entertaining, though. Fun story.
That was the best part of Slice Of Life. It was random, insane, out of fucking nowhere and hysterical.
I love how he's somewhat innocent still, it's immensely amusing.
Animals with hooves, I believe.
Beat me to the punch.
I like to imagine if they are, their ruler is just Kuzco. Yes that Kuzco.
No creo que tenga un nombre, Pinkie. (I don't think he has a name, Pinkie.)
Never mind, he's called Lorenzo. Hm, Lorenzo the Llama, sounds like a reference.
A fair point.
Dare I ask for the context?
Smooth.
It's a zoo. I fail to see what you expected.
Sounds like my cat. When she isn't demanding attention and being fucking adorable as cats are prone to doing.
Hi Timon.
Bye Timon.
A Magikarp Jump reference?
OK, alright then.
That it did.
Probably overpriced.
Oh boy.
... Well shit. (pun absolutely intended.)
I need to watch Darkwing Duck at some point.
Come again?
I beg your pardon?
What have you got against roosters?
Thank you, Applejack.
Old and gray huh? That reminds me of a song!
Eh?
That's called bestiality.
As a lot of my favorite summer vacation memories involved the Cleveland Zoo, seeing the Rainbooms deal with a crappy zoo trip made me laugh in a guilty way.
And the ending was perfect!
On a side note, while I've been lucky enough to avoid seeing chimp sex, I actually did once witness a huge fight in the chimpanzee exhibit at the Knoxville Zoo. And let me tell you, that was a pretty damn memorable experience.
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I know, right? I was seriously expecting to find out it was owned by Filthy Rich or something. Or for Fluttershy to start an animal revolution with her geode power and ride into the evening on the back of a giraffe or something.
That would be a great idea for a Sunset Vs. chapter, though.
Wow A Zoo Trip from Hell indeed? Based on any real experience?
MythrilMoth, never change.
Well, I mean, you can grow as a person, but never change your humor.
Heh. That was fun. I'm sure I'm missing half of the author references, but it was still an enjoyable Easter egg hunt. A shame about the zoo trip itself, but still, an enjoyable read. Thank you for it.
Moth, this story made me laugh and I am happy.
You made me happy.
Remember that.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/1/23/1639303__suggestive_artist-colon-racoonsan_starlight+glimmer_sunset+shimmer_twilight+sparkle_animal+costume_blushing_bowtie_breasts_bunny+ears_bunny+su.jpeg
Cats and bunnies count, right?
Dammit, Dakota.
I (think I) see what you did there.
Yup, I saw. And I love.
The puns, oh yes the puns.
HE IS THE TERROR, THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!
Also, that fucking Macaw
I wonder who it was that made those lewd comments about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
Also, I was half expecting Twilight to find a lost owl in that aviary.
And that was the point Sunset shrugged, removed her human mask, and ate a mouse.
"I will name him Tod, he'll be my very best friend, and we will be friends forever."
"It's ABOUT you commenting on my boobs the very first chance you got!"
"You only got two! It's WEIRD!"
"Get OUT!"
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"Finally, someone we can sell our wardrobe to!"
While she tapped her phone with the finger with the chewed fingernail and the faint smell of poo.
"Oh, they have MORE than just kids in the pens now, Rainbow Dash!"
"It's okay, we make up for it with LOTS and LOTS of hairless apes."
"Fine, I'll keep my double-standards to myself."
"That last one sounds like an angry place."
"Yeah, it says here they've had to rebuild it several times."
...and said, "Look, babe, tell Yzma that, hahaha, very funny, but whatever she got when she sold me here I'm going to get back, with interest!"
"I'm really gonna whip that llama's ass!"
"I knew it was bad news when that little blond boy with the rose ran around taming them all."
"She wants to run free, rhyming and brewing and giving people advice!"
"...Sunset?"
"Sorry, mistook her for someone."
"Who said anything about hunting livestock?"
"...OH-KAY, we're gonna go to that paddock over there..."
"Sunset? Fluttershy's grin is scaring me."
"I know, it scares me too."
"Timon, NOOO!"
"I knew there was something familiar about that Hawaiian skirt."
"We let the animals run free in the zoo, and they complained about all the predators depredating."
That was when a dung beetle rolled a ten foot-tall katamari past them, several zoo guests stuck on it.
"Also, if you spot an orangutan, for the love of life and limb don't call him 'monkey'."
"They're so curious, we have to perform lemur cavity searches after every tour."
"Oh, those poor monkeys!"
"It's not the lemurs we search."
"..."
"Especially when they smile so wide you can see all their teeth!"
It rolled over, then again, and continued revolving for a while. A strange ocelot, that one.
"That's it! I've come up with a brand new line!"
myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/images/anime/2/83518l.jpg
"Now I'll have to do with Mr. Pibb!"
"Sunset, NO! Girls, get that monkey!"
"It was... educational."
"Twilight, you're a perv."
"What? It's not like they do that kind of thing on the Discovery Channel!"
"There's more to see than can ever be seen! More to do than can ever be done!"
"Fluttershy, YOU'RE a perv."
"I-I meant the management, not the animals!"
"This one Yelp review is nothing but an actual yelp."
"Must've had a run in with the lemurs."
Which, in Fluttershy's eyes, constituted a reptile dysfunction.
"That was a LOT of poo for just one bird!"
"That's why you should always respect hummingbirds."
"Yah, Ah also reckon it's mighty birdy."
media.giphy.com/media/QarzfWMYADn0s/giphy.gif
"No idea, but I think that one just fired its gas gun at me."
"Just like Twitter!"
Little did the macaw know that it had cawed its last.
"It's a baby chocobo!"
"Ooooh, so there was shrinkage!"
"Applejack, hit Pinkie Pie again."
*whap!*
"OW!"
"Thank you."
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Except for AJ, who had slapped hers on Pinkie Pie's head.
"I know, those echidnas are really vicious."
Oh no! A winged scourge that pecks at her nightmares!
Huh, I'm guessing you had a bad experience at a zoo once. I've been to my fair share and never had problems like this. Worst zoo I went to the only complaint I had was it was insanely small. Went through the damn thing in like 45 minutes. Though didn't go through all this Crocodile Hunter nonsense.
Still pretty funny, especially the Bird part, that was funny. Also don't worry Pinkie, I understood your reference. Darkwing Duck is always a win
8692404
I was literally going through the comments just to see if that reference had indeed been made.
I can now rest easy.
I haven’t been to the zoo in years. So many good memories. Though I remember it being more innocent and fun than the time these girls experienced.
Who did that Macaw hear saying so many lewd things about those specific girls?
8692632
The Mystery Science Theater is strong with that one.
I'm pretty sure I caught at least two SS&E references in that, maybe three.
I spent like, five minutes trying to think of something to say. But, that says everything it needs to say.
Fun story! Meta as hell! Good luck with the contest!
8692868
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. 😄
Has anyone done a ship of Dog Spike and Winona? I weirdly want to see that ship.
XD Milo Murphy's Law.
8692307
DEMON LLAMA.
Funny story: the aquarium closest to me has an exhibit (actually, a couple) where hammerhead sharks are in the same tank as a school of sardines (or maybe anchovies. Both are in the aquarium somewhere, but I don't remember which is which). Usually this isn't a problem, as the sardines stick together in a tight and frankly beautiful school that, to predators, looks like a really big fish. But one time, when I was there, a single fish split off from the school. It enjoyed about two minutes of total independence, and then a hammerhead swam by and snapped it up in a single bite. Clearly, I wasn't the only one watching, as the entire room (and it's a big room) audibly reacted.
The thing with the meerkat reminded me, so I thought I'd bring this up.
I was just surprised at no Chicken Boo apperance.
8693281
Well, Scootaloo was not on the trip...
8693349
robertericthomas.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/waldorf-and-statler.jpg
8693281
Chicken Boo was there the whole time. Did you not see the attendants?
I can't tell if Fluttershy is having a "nature is so fascinating moment" or whether she just hasn't watched enough EQG!David Attenborough documentaries...
You can take an animal out of the wild, but you can't take the wild out of an animal.
Chimpanzees are horror incarnate. The only thing that keeps sharks from evolving legs to come out of the water and devour all flesh is because chimpanzees live on land.
Somebody get this freakin' duck away from me!
8693662
Thanks for reading!
For future reference? It's usually preferable to make one comment per chapter with everything you want to say instead of making a new comment for each thing you're commenting on in the chapter.
I'm surprised no one has mentioned the reference to FanOfMostEverything yet
8693509
Most members of the Hominidae family are like that. Including ourselves.
I expected a Great and Powerful
OzTrixie cameo here.So was the entire thing an SS&E reference, or only a third of it?
8694344
The entire thing? No. But the SS&E references are many and varied.
8694676
They're not so much story references as they are just...Skirts references. Like, in general. Except one thing which kind of is a story reference, but most are not.
Reminds me of the zoo in Racine, since there are no walls between humans and animals there. Freaking emu almost attacked my dad if anything. But yes, open enclosures and high prices for goods and gifts often don't match, especially during winter when most of the food stands are closed and the only restaurant has dry hamburgers. I did enjoy the story a lot, and hopefully Fluttershy will use her powers to get the animals to retake the zoo and make it a better place for all.
8694676
The sad thing is that I'm a pretty big Skirts fan and somehow missed every reference.
I liked this story. There's something so slice of life-y about them having a crummy day but with some nice moments sprinkled in, and that's it. There's not really a point and it's very believable.
I recently went to a petting zoo slash drive through safari and it was awesome. There were baby kangaroos you could feed and pet.
I had so many flashbacks to Kemono Friends it made this story even funnier. Awesome read.
I love this story! Partway through, thought you might be interested in a tidbit: you can't domesticate an individual creature, only tame it. Domestication refers to the integration of the species into society, like with cats, dogs and horses.
#1 Despite people fearing Gorillas, CHIMPS are FAR more dangerous. This is because they are naturally FAR more violent animals, which science says is probably encoded into their DNA. Last, but not least, they have actually gone to WAR over territory.
#2 That ending was HILARIOUS!
I'm disappointed in myself for only catching the Albinocorn reference.
I laughed at the ape bit and chuckled at the bird scene. Everything else was okay. Have a cookie --> O
What you did there...
I see it 0.0