• Member Since 13th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 26th, 2012



I was a pony who could do it all. Ponies would come from all corners of the world, just to try and best me in a competition. Not a single one could beat me.
Until that day.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 16 )

To be honest, when you start out with a Gary Stu character both as incredibly bland and lacking in depth of focus (so he's talented... what are his thoughts? His fears? His hopes? His dreams?)... as a reader I'm rooting against him and wanting him to fail, since noone is like that in the real-world and he's not likable in the slightest.

Thus, seeing the Gary Stu fall away and get hurt doesn't get empathy from me as a reader. It all falls flat.

Damn, Swiper you brutal.

Look, let's be honest, you wrote:

My cutie mark was an image of the world, symbolizing that my talent was every talent known to ponykind.

And the vast majority of readers will respond to that notion like:


People do not like reading about god-like powerful beings of this kind. Sorry, they just don't. I'm not trying to be mean here. You have legitimate talent for writing, the mechanics of things seem fine, and you should devote those talents to something else that would tell a real story arc. You know?

990615 No, he's totally right. The character wasn't the best out there. But that was kind of the point behind him. His design was supposed to make him seem like a thoughtless idiot, as he doesn't need to think, since ponies will do things for him. He doesn't realize the important things in life, and so he loses. Even after he loses, he refuses to think, because he expects things to happen the way he wants them to. It isn't until the end that he finally realizes that if he wants things to go his way, then he has to open his eyes to see the truth and that if he wants to be happy, then he can't focus on things like being the best, but instead enjoy the little things in life. That was the theme of the story, though it may not be directly obvious. Also, I started writing this story at about midnight and finished about five hours later. So, I may not have been at my best when I wrote this and probably could have taken more time with it, but I thought it was fine the way it was at the time.

You do know I am not the author right? I was just saying you were really honest... I may have fucked up saying it.

I know that you're not the author-- I just messed up the link thing so I was replying to you instead of to the fic itself (and thus the author)

But the thing is that there's no reason for me as the reader to be interested in this story.

it's basically: "Jerk Has Sad Thing Happen To Him That He Deserves And Learns A Lesson But Is Still A Jerk-- The End".

You set this up for the reader to hate this character, and so why on earth are you expecting him to be rooted for in the end? That makes no sense.

990733 All right, you bring up a lot of good points. I could revoke my submission on this story, but I won't. This, along with your comments, will serve as my reminder. As I said in both my comment and in the Author's Notes, I wrote this in about five hours when I actually should have been asleep. It was also pretty short, which was my goal, since everything I've written so far has been comparatively longer. The character and the story in general weren't very good, and I know that if I had spent more time on it, then I could have created something far better. I also know that I shouldn't limit myself in terms of length, because my thoughts tend to flow better if I say them to completion, which I avoided in this story to keep it from becoming too long. If I ever think of trying something like this again, I will simply open this story, look at the comments and reflect on what you've said, and then I'll remember to do whatever feels right to me. So, thanks for criticizing me in a way that didn't make you sound like a majority of the idiots on the internet, along with pointing out the specific parts you didn't like, which tells me where I should make sure to focus on the most so I don't mess up with them again in the future, and also telling me which aspects of my writing that you actually enjoy and for recognizing that I could do better. Once again, thanks.

5 hours? o.o
I wrote a 9,000 letter fic in 6 hours, and you wrote this in 5 ;-;

Like Swiper said, this is a bland fic.
Ever read Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe?

The main character was a loudmouthed man who cared for no one but himself.
No one cared he died at the end.
Arrogance is almost never a good quality.

990924 Yes, I recognize that this is a rather slow pace, but it's a pace that I'm comfortable with. I recognize that it isn't very fast, but it's just how I work. This time also includes the time where I took breaks during writing and went to other sites. And yes, I do recognize it is rather bad. Once again, I wrote it in the middle of one night. Had I taken more time with it, I could have made it better and the character not as terrible. As I also said, this will serve as a reminder for my future stories. And no, I haven't read it, though I just might now.

Hey, at least you recognize that it needs improvement. I know a lot of writers who would fly off the handle entirely at the thought of someone not liking their writing. Good on you, and keep at it. The only way to improve is practice!:twilightsmile:

me thought this was trixe fic:derpytongue2:

990945 What's slow about that pace? Stephen King writes 2000 words a day, usually. You did it in five hours. That is a perfectly normal pace for writing. And your writing isn't bad at all. Your character isn't really a Gary Stu. How crazily talented he is is the point. He's like a character out of a myth instead of a novel. (And his story arc kind of fits that type of mythological storytelling as well: supremely talented and arrogant "hero" falls from grace.)

So...why all the downvotes? I'm not completely sure, which means that there is something to learn from this. (Good idea leaving it up and seeing what people say, because I've seen far worse fics get less dislikes than this.) One thing I can think of is that the audience might be turned against super-powerful characters because of the countless true Mary Sue types out there. They might not even give your character a chance right out of the gate. Another thing is that your character remains hard to sympathize with even after he loses. Maybe you could spend more time in his thoughts, showing how devastated he is that he has fallen. I know you show this in the most extreme manner possible with his nearly attempted suicide, but there must be something about him that is fundamentally hard to identify with. And the last thing I can think of is that the story itself doesn't seem to give any reason for his losing to everyone. Was it psychological? Karma? It just seems to happen for the sake of the plot. Any time things just happen, like plot points falling into place, it can make the story feel bland.

I actually liked your story. I think you needed to show more of your character's psychological depth (without changing his character, just showing more of it, perhaps reasons behind it) to get the readers to care about his eventual fall. You don't have to get your audience to like your character. Annoyance or hatred will work just as well. They just have to care. I thought the best part of the story was the stuff at the end (after his great successes and inexplicable losses). You were in his head a lot more by then, showing his feelings about what the kids were saying about him. Maybe it wasn't enough or came too late to get the readers on his side, but you were starting to close the psychological distance between the character and the audience and bring the story arc to an end with his moment of realization.

Anyway, if you want my advice (for whatever that's worth), you should write a lot more short stories (this is a good length for a story). Try a bit more sympathetic character next time (I really don't see why an unlikable narrator is a problem, but hey, give the audience what they say they want, I guess...). I think your writing is good enough to win a lot of love from readers. Near as I can tell, they just couldn't identify with this particular character. Nothing to do but write another 2000 words.:rainbowdetermined2:

I agree 100% with Kolwynia, (Weird name, but hey) I think that the character's thoughts and feelings need to be detailed further to show how he feels about being the most talented in the world; what being the best means to him.

The only other thing that is not nessicarily bad about this story, but regardless, a little confusing was this sentence about halfway through:

"I could make out some of their whispers, their, looked like..., and their, no way..., gradually becoming replaced with a more excited chatter of other ponies who wished to challenge me."

...:rainbowhuh: I had to read that a couple of times, but still couldn't work out what was happening! :derpytongue2: (I didn't know whether it was a kind of monologue, or a transition of thoughts, or... whatever! Could you explain it to me? Simply because I would like to know! :twilightblush:

I cannot see why this story has so many dislikes; in fact, I don't know why this isn't featured... :ajsleepy:

To portray a message like that in 2000 words is astonishing; there were so many themes established in this story, themes that actually matter, that I can't wrap my mind around why it doesn't have more likes. Let alone why it has more red thumbs than green! :pinkiegasp:

Anyways, my point is... It's a great story. Not the best... but then again, I'm not really one to comment on that! :twilightblush: You've conveyed as much drama over 2000 words as I have over 170,000... :facehoof:

Keep writing. You have my support and if you continue to write stories of this degree, then I will be shocked if I don't see WolframA in the feature box... :trollestia:

Also, what are your thoughts on alicorns... more specifically, alicorn OCs who is:

>More powerful than Celestia and Luna combined,
>Is practically a god,
>Can freely control the elements,
>Is shipped with Twilight Sparkle,
>And who has his own version of a rainboom. (Which I scold myself for writing about :flutterrage:)

However does not come across as mary-sue... hmmm... (I've had a few comments on my OC's story saying this... and I have no Idea how he is even tolerable, but some people seem to really like him, even though he has all these 'Mary-sue' traits...)

I'm not asking you to read my story, but I'll just tell you that I personally think it's unfair your very well written story has so many dislikes when far worse fics have a far better reception than this... :(

(Sorry if my comment is confusing and unkempt... I have a habit of doing that! =3)

(I have no idea why it is called mary-sue, and now looking at these comments, I also have the term 'gary-stu' to keep me up at night...)

In terms of time of writing, I don't think you should let anyone bug you on that. Sometimes great things happen quickly. Sometimes horrible things are worked on for a long time.

I don't know what your opinion is on the Twilight series, but those sure did take a while to write, didn't they? Does that mean that they're good works of literature?

How you write is something that you just have to leave up to your personality the same way as, say, how you listen to music.

w.r.t the story, blandness matters most among than the character traits I think. Look at Superman. He's so powerful that you could call him a Gary Stu on that front-- what with his talents. But he is not a Gary Stu because he has an emotional and psychological complexity to him.

-]Superman must deal with the death of his biological parents and the loss of his home world.

-]Superman, although happily adopted by loving, caring parents on earth, must navigate family issues and make sure that they're okay without belittling them or living their lives for them.

-]Superman's romance with Lois Lane brings up a wide variety of issues.

-]Superman sees himself as a symbol as much as a person with his "be caring, work hard, don't do drugs, stay in school" goody-two-shoes image. This is something artificial that gets annoying and presents challenges.

And so on... but your pony 'superman' character seems to have nothing other than massive powers, and thus comes across as bland as a baked potato among other things. Sorry.

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