• Member Since 29th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 4th, 2017

Seanessy


As I stroke each letter key The only thing that concerns me Is that my fingers dance so well To create a perfect story to tell

E
Source

A day of applebucking has Rarity fed up with Applejack. When the unicorn expresses her frustration in the oddest of ways, Applejack is left befuddled and confused. After some thought, the country mare goes to confront her friend. The discussion they have about it is nothing if not vague. Will this incident cause a rift in their friendship? Or, will it become stronger?

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 119 )

Greetings everyone! I just want to express my thanks for those who are going to read. I will try to reply to every comment I get because I deeply do appreciate your opinions. Positive and negative feedback is highly desired if you don't mind! I hope you enjoy!

Oh look, Roamance and Commedy, my two favorite tags, I shall now read this within the next hour to three hours.

RARIJACK,RARIJACK OH RARI-RARIJACK!

*ahem*

Cute, funny and an all round good read.
I approve of this ship ^^ And your writing skillz ^.^ :rainbowkiss:

956033 Thank you so much for reading, commenting and the wonderful compliment Valorousspectre! I'm really thrilled you enjoyed it! :yay:

This was adorable. And Rarijack is the best ship. ^^

You know I can't really see why this doesn't have more views. It's a slightly cookie-cuttter story, but that's okay. It's pretty well written, and it's enjoyable, and that's all that matters! :twilightsmile: I can definitely say that I can't wait to see what happens next.

“Wh-what are you?” - Could I suggest you add an ellipsis to the end of that statement, before the question mark? This isn't the only mistake, but it's the one that I think stuck out the most. The others don't really distract too much from the story.

956064 ey mon. you got any of da grass to hook a bruddah up? (your avatar looks Jamaican)

liked the story:twilightsmile:

The final bit seemed a tad... off, in a way. I don't know how to explain it. It seems a little bit rushed, I suppose? I don't know. Still doing good here, though.

The letter bit was a little confusing, but the second time through, I think I got it... Still doing pretty good. Twilight's reaction is pretty believable. I think it's well within her defined character to want to write Princess Celestia right after witnessing something she's not familiar with, or thinks is wrong.

The friendship report was very well done, nice job working the "love and tolerate" bit into the story, it fits nicely.

And that's exactly what she said.

Very nice ending to a very nice story. Well done. :twilightsmile:

Very sweet. Loved every minute of this, and the characterization was great. I'm not even mad at you for making me stay up till 2 a.m. reading because it was so good :raritywink:

Break up the paragraph a bit. Separate them.

“Oh look at the time! Rarity suddenly cried. “IdobelieveIhaveaclientcomingintodayandIhaventevenbeguntostartworkingonherorder!” I should get going! Bye Applejack!” Rarity said as she dashed off at breakneck speed leaving Applejack’s hat behind.

I would advise trying to find some way to fix this paragraph. In story, the first few words are separated far too much.

All in all, decent start. I will keep reading it. I love me some good Rarijack, and you made an interesting start for the story.

She...:rainbowhuh: She sniffed her?
...

img.ponibooru.org/_images/892a1c88bcc54184d93dc86def5cfd22/83980%20-%20cannot_unsee%20do_not_want%20it_rhymes%20long_neck%20reaction_face%20What_evil_have_I_seen%20what_is_this_I_don%27t_even%20What_is_this_i_dont_even%20zecora.png
I don't even...:derpyderp1:
Well, thats..unique. Keep...at it..?

Anyways, nice writing.
EDIT: Oh, she kissed her. That was a bit vague for me, I just thought she sniffed her.

956534
That's to put emphasis on each word. Instead of like when your mom says, ' Oh look at the time! ', imagine Rarity's accent saying LOOK. AT. THE. TIIIIIIIIIMEE!!!
...
...
...
...
Probably....
:trollestia:

This may just be me, but I capitalize the 'Ah's AJ makes. Also, you should be weary of using commas and capitalization more. For example....

“Ok! I did it! I kissed you! I don’t know why I did it! I was just overcome with…with…well I’m not even sure. Oh dear Applejack, I am baffled as to what possessed me to do such a thing!”

Should be

“Ok! I did it! I kissed you! I don’t know why I did it! I was just overcome with…with…Well I’m not even sure. Oh, dear Applejack, I am baffled as to what possessed me to do such a thing!”

Sorry. I'm a bit of a grammar nazi. Don't take offense at any corrections I make, and don't sell yourself short as a reader. Little errors like these are stuff everyone makes.

Still, good job. I'll read the other chapters soon.

This chapter confused me. How could they sew their tails? Horse tales are only made of hair, I don't see how you can sew them together.

Other than that, I loved this! Great job! Thumb to you!

Very well done. Ya even worked in a friendship report, a really good one.

956091 Thank you very much Sour Grapes!

956094 Whats a cookie cutter story?


aside from that I am really liking this story so far so thanks for writing it sir/ ma'am!

d'awww. man I absolutely love this shipping :raritywink::ajsmug:

Just getting the hang of how replies work on this site...here we go

956132 MLP Brony 27 LOL Thank you very much!


956226 Heckler341 I believe I get the feel of "rushed ending" in Chapter 6. Possibly because I was ready for the "D'Awww" moment where they first stated their love for each other using the opposites nickname. (Gets me every time) At the same time, I can honestly say I was stuck on how to play it out a bit longer, maybe make the dialogue scene just a little bit longer and make it a bit sad before the "I love you's". Hmmm. And thank you!

956425 Justanothermonday- Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

956540 Jrz Fine Thank you! EDIT: Lol I was wondering what part you were referring to! Yes, but I purposely left the actual word out in order to see how playing with the audiences imagination would work out while creating a small twinge of suspense.

956606 Master Zero- Thank you for reading and the in depth grammar related critique. Those are the kind of things I try to look for but will sometimes miss and it's good to have someone who can point them out! I am not at all offended by your corrections, I knew my story wasn't perfect but I felt I had taken it as far as it could go, so I thought releasing it to the public would help me get a better understanding of what needs to be worked on for future fics. Excited for the rest of your corrections!

956687 Frizzy- I battled with this for a bit, it is possible to sew hair together though. Especially if you sew thick strips vs. particular strands. Maybe I should just have their tails sewed to the same piece of fabric?

957060 Kail- Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

956557 Insanity Corps- Thank you so much! Enjoy the ride! Can't wait to hear what you think of the rest!

Whew, hope I got everyone and that you get notified, I am beyond grateful that this story has already been read by this many. The first review I saw on this story was that it was rejected by EQD (for some of the dialogue punctuation issues and some Show vs Tell issues, they wouldn't give me details though) so I was feeling kinda down on myself, but you guys picked me right back up. Thanks so much for taking time out to read! Considering working on another (much shorter) fic soon!

this was a really nice story, and I really like how you put in the friendship report and what not. you used episodes for your research, like when rainbow was in the tree near the place where they had the pet play date, just like in the episode. so yeah this story was really nice, keep up the good work!

Hooray. I like that this isn't a slow burn fic. Nice a light just what I need right now. Excellent characterization.

That was a really cute story. It was well written, everyone was in character and it had just the right amount of comedy. I didn't really like how story developed though. I find it really hard to believe that Celestia would banish somepony to the moon for being in love. That right there just felt like forced drama to me.

959019

It was never flat out stated that Celestia would actually banish somepony to the moon for being in love. Every time that it came up it was the characters thinking that Celestia would banish them. Like how in the show Twilight freaks out about possibly being banished whenever she does something wrong.

This was a very cute story. It wasn't heavy on drama, but I'm not sure if it was funny enough to warrant a Comedy tag. Although; the idea of what is funny and what is not is different for every person, so all the jokes might have just flown over my head. :twilightsheepish:

The only nitpick I have, and It's a VERY small nitpick that probably doesn't even need to be changed; is that Applejack knows the word "persnickety" and uses it quite often. I'm not calling her dumb, but I don't think she would know and use a word like that.

959355 Equestrian Deadpool
Applejack: Uhm, sugarcube take a looky here at this link below and skip on down to 20:02 :ajbemused:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5rYkDCH0xM

Lol thank you for the comment Equestrian Deadpool. That was one of my concerns until I remembered this particular scene in this episode! ^_^

957955 "Cookie Cutter" usually means like, a common concept. It doesn't really matter though, as all stories have their own little bit of individuality that makes them good, like this one! :twilightsmile:

Revision: Well, a better definition of "cookie-cutter" used as an adjective might be "Something that follows the definitions of a common concept", rather than simply being a common concept. I don't know. It makes sense in my head, but who knows what's going on up there? :applejackconfused:

959400

Ehehehehehe... :twilightblush:

I guess I need to go rewatch season 1 again; I haven't seen that episode in months.

956540 she kissed her??? Wow, I didn't even know

My shipping senses demand more. Please, do acknowledge a future sequel to this, or at least a story this or a higher level of eye catching.

I.
Want.
More.

RARIJACK.:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

“Oh yeah, since we’re on that subject, I’m really sorry I wasn’t able to help you a few days ago Applejack.” Twilight said apologetically.

Should be
“Oh yeah, since we’re on that subject, I’m really sorry I wasn’t able to help you a few days ago, Applejack.” Twilight said, apologetically.

“Nice one Pinkie Pie.” Rainbow laughed.

“Oh, I do believe I’m beginning to sweat…how dreadful!” the pink pony continued before joining in the laughter as her mane and tail poofed back to its original style.

Should be
“Nice one, Pinkie Pie.” Rainbow laughed.

“Oh, I do believe I’m beginning to sweat…How dreadful!” the pink pony continued before joining in the laughter as her mane and tail poofed back to its original style.

“Well ya’ll know Rarity, after an hour of applebuckin’ she only had half a bucket full! She was tryna sort the good apples from the bad apples before she had even knocked em all out the tree!”

Should be
“Well, ya’ll know Rarity, after an hour of applebuckin’ she only had half a bucket full! She was tryna sort the good apples from the bad apples before she had even knocked em all out the tree!”

Mostly just issues with pauses and commas. Nothing too bad. Again, sorry, I just wanted to tell you what I noticed. Still, I enjoy your story, and will keep reading it, bit by bit.

I don't know why rarijack fics are so rare, so are pinkieshy fics. Oh well, this was a very good, cute story and thank you writing this

i like the 3rd last paragraph when rarity(sp) was talked about the client with all the words put together:rainbowlaugh: I just thought that she was talking super fast:derpytongue2:

960291 Rarijack fics aren't that rare; it's the second most common pairing for Applejack (next to Appledash, because Rainbow Dash must be shipped with everypony. :rainbowhuh:), and I think it's the most common pairing for Rarity. Perhaps Rarijack has cooled a bit in popularity lately, but it's still one of the biggest ships in the fandom that don't involve any rainbow-maned pegasi.

Pinkieshy is a rare one, though, I'll grant you that. My guess for the reason is that Pinkie and Fluttershy don't have a lot of scenes of the two of them interacting together in the show. Both characters are voiced by the same person, so from a practical standpoint, it could become a bit complicated if they did a whole lot of back-and-forth.

Ahem, but I stray off-topic. :trixieshiftleft:

This is a pretty good story. There are grammatical mistakes here or there, and one or two words that spellcheck mistook for other words, but it was far from unreadable. You had some good ideas in building your scenes, and your references to events in the show didn't seem forced, which is a good sign.

One thing that did bug me while reading this was Applejack's accent. You really don't need to lay it on so thick; we all know what Applejack sounds like. She doesn't say "y'all" every time she means "you," just some of the time. And replacing every "I" with "Ah" is one of my personal pet peeves.

I find it interesting to see the variation in different authors' headcannons in regard to how homosexuality is treated in Equestria. I've seen some stories where it seems to be treated as the norm, and hetero pairs are regarded with unease (One questions where little foals are supposed to come from in such versions). This story seems to land on the other end of that spectrum. That in itself is fine, but it seems like if Rarity and Applejack really believed that what they were doing was so unnatural and unheard of, they would have spent a bit more time fighting a bit harder against it.

Those are my thoughts. Keep writing, and good luck to you!

Again, break up your paragraphs. Also, I think I mentioned this before, capitalize the Ah that AJ uses. They're meant to replace I, so I think it is only fair. Also, use comma when you say a name or nickname at the end of a line. Like, "What's wrong(comma) sugarcube?" or "Hi(comma) Rarity!"

Still, good job. I think this was my favorite chapter so far. Very nice. Advanced the plot, and I'm glad it didn't end with AJ walking out when Rarity said so.

“”Ponyville’s Persnickety Princess Heads South for a Bit of Apple Affection ”!” She plopped on the cloud and clutched her stomach in laughter. “Oh Gabby Gums needs to make a comeback!”

Should be
“'Ponyville’s Persnickety Princess Heads South for a Bit of Apple Affection!'” She plopped on the cloud and clutched her stomach in laughter. “Oh, Gabby Gums needs to make a comeback!”

Quotation marks go after the exclamation mark. Not before.

You use ... a lot. Try to cut back. Hyphens(-) work well when you want characters to stutter. Also, you have a few cut off'ed sentences. Change...

The pegasus said while making the necessary gestures to initiate the Pinkie Promise. Rarity and Applejack smiled.

To something more like
The pegasus said while making the necessary gestures to initiate the Pinkie Promise, causing the couple to smile.

And some paragraphs should be connected together.

“Look at us. Look how carried away we’ve gotten, we were almost caught by our sisters, and now we’re out in public. I mean, what were we thinking? Who knows what other Pegasi could’ve seen us?”

Applejack nodded.

Should be
“Look at us. Look how carried away we’ve gotten, we were almost caught by our sisters, and now we’re out in public. I mean, what were we thinking? Who knows what other Pegasi could’ve seen us?” Rarity asked, and Applejack nodded in agreement.

Also, I think Pegasi should be lower cased.

Truth be told, I'm not big on the whole 'There's a complication so we can't be together,' but that's all just personal opinion. Still, good work.

“Um girls, the party is in here ya know?”

Should be
“Um girls, the party is in here, ya know?”
Also, this is just me, but try rephrasing it. Hearing 'ya know' just doesn't sound very Twilight Sparkle-esque. She's an intelligent, mature mare. She wouldn't be using words like ya. That's AJ, or maybe Rainbow Dash.

“Oh right! Excuse me.” Rarity said as she darted back in the house.
You've done this a few times. When making a sentence like this, it should be...
“Oh right! Excuse me(comma)” Rarity said(comma) as she darted back in the house.

“Technically, if we were to dissect your original question it would be: “Have you kissed any special somepony in the past two days?”. Now you’re asking if she’s kissed any special somepony in the past three weeks, and you can’t ask more than one question per turn.”

Should be
“Technically, if we were to dissect your original question it would be: 'Have you kissed any special somepony in the past two days?' Now you’re asking if she’s kissed any special somepony in the past three weeks, and you can’t ask more than one question per turn.”
You don't need a period after the question mark or the " " marks.

“Ugh fine! Rarity! Truth or dare!”

“Dare” Rarity said.

Should be
“Ugh(comma) fine! Rarity! Truth or dare!”

“Dare(Comma)” Rarity said.
Also, you don't need to say Rarity said. In fact, the sentence would probably be best as...
“Ugh(Comma) fine! Rarity! Truth or dare!”

“Dare."

Keep a close eye on your tenses. I understand it is very hard to do, but if most of the story is in past tense, stick with past.
Twilight spit on the ground then wiped her mouth.
Should be
Twilight spat on the ground(comma) then wiped her mouth.

The letter part WAS confusing. You should try to do something to make it flow better. Show more of Twilight's side, maybe. Speaking of Twilight, I wasn't a big fan of Twilight's behavior in the middle. I would imagine a mare who put so much focus on friendship would be more accepting of the others right off the bat.

I thought Rainbow Dash was acting like a bit of a jerk in the beginning of the story. Even after her and Fluttershy's reveal. Maybe add in some detail to help it flow? Maybe have Rainbow Dash say if Rarity and Applejack's relationship was revealed, it'd be easier for her and Fluttershy's to be? I don't know, I just thought her behavior was a little traitorous for being the Element of Loyalty.

And the final chapter. Nothing really important, but I like seeing stuff after the main plot. I like seeing just what their dating life is like.

Decent story. I liked it. Some errors here and there, but nothing that made is horrid or unreadable. I'm just a grammar nazi, is all. Shame on me. :pinkiesick:

I enjoyed the story

I'm happy to give a more thorough proofread later, but first, I would advise you to try and find your own mistakes. Its one thing for me to help you write better, its much better if you helps yourself. Just take a look at the stuff I've said in my comments.

Please don't take any of my comments as insulting or patronizing. I am simply trying to help. Again, good story. Rarijack is always good in my book, and you did a well job of writing it.

960224

You are perhaps the greatest Correction Soviet I've come across.

962266

I'm sorry? What does "Correction Soviet" mean? Is it just a nice way of saying Grammar Nazi?

Lmao, what is it about Applejack's scent that makes ponies lose their god damn minds? I remember reading a story just a few days ago where RD took to AJ's hat like it was made of coke.

I'll have to read more.

awwwwwwww:twilightsmile: I realy liked this one. its so sweet

Well, that was overly cute.
The only odd part (well, the most jarring one) is perhaps Twilight's quick change of mind in chapter 7. Perhaps you could add a bit more of description in there, make it so that Spike takes a few seconds to arrive and she looks around her friends, possibly with each couple standing closer to each other for support (because apparently, this is the most homophobic Equestria I've seen in any shipping XD), blah blah.

But my point stands, cute. And very much so.:heart:

I hate it when that happens:ajbemused: I'm making out with my gf and my lil bro comes in

Aaaaaaawwwwwwwww so sweet:ajsmug::heart::raritywink: and heart breaking:fluttercry:

This is easily one of my favourite shipping stories :D :raritystarry:
I loved every part of it, except maybe how negative Twilight was about it, but I think you played it out fairly well. In my opinion though, you probably could've added a few lines to show Twilight's change of mind a bit better, like: " '...Wait, Spike!' Twilight said as she magically threw the scroll into the fireplace. 'I think I may have made a lapse in judgement; you see, even though this is strange to me, I think I may have been wrong to act so quickly.' " - then to continue on to what she said after she changed her mind.

Though this is just me rambling, but let me know if this seems fair, or if I'm just crazy :pinkiecrazy:

Great lil story, there were a few grammar things in it though, In one of the earlier chapters you said affect when you meant effect or something, I can't remember where it was. (I tried looking for it and couldn't find it so I might have imagined it.) Also I kinda wished that Twilight did send that letter just to have Celestia send one back saying that love is love or something. I seriously doubt Celestia would have any kind of a problem with it, at least you didn't use fillyfoolers like allot of stories do, that always bugged me since I can't see a stigma against it in that universe. But it might be the sort of thing that they don't realize can happen, such as what happened in your story.

950128
You like negative feedback?:rainbowhuh:
Color me confused... Awesome story by the way!

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