Chapter 1: The Curtain Calls
“Flash! I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save Equestria!”
The snowy-maned unicorn literally threw herself at me, and I flared my wings out for balance to catch her. She pressed her warm body against mine in the embrace, and reached up to touch me on the cheek. Looking down at her, I wracked my mind for something to say, finally coming to a single word.
“Line?”
“CUT!” Canter Zoom bellowed the order through a megaphone, and then threw it at us. I tried to duck, but having a unicorn clinging to you tends to slow one's reflexes. The megaphone hit me right in the temple. Thankfully, my tin helmet took the worst of it, despite being mostly crest.
“How is the Great and Powerful Trixie supposed to work under these conditions?” She shoved herself away from me in a huff. “You said this would be the opportunity for The Great and Powerful Trixie to branch out from stage magic, and become a multimedia star!”
Black clad stage-hooves emerged from the sides of the theater, shoving scenery back into place, or hauling on ropes like so many sailors. A pony in black turtleneck oversaw all of it, periodically checking things off from her clipboard.
“I didn't say anything! I didn't cast you!” Canter Zoom took off his glasses and rubbed at his nose. “I didn't cast either of you! If I had my way, The Life and Times of Flash Magnus would star some real actors. But the producer insisted that you be included. For ... broader appeal, he said.” Canter Zoom sighed and slid his glasses back into place.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie is the realest of actors! Did you not see the raw emotion on display? Did you not see how I was able to feign romantic interest in this uncharismatic boor without so much as gagging?”
“Hey!” said I, “Who're you calling uncharismatic?”
“You!” Trixie (who certainly didn't deserve the 'Great and Powerful' moniker, if you ask me, which gives me a good enough excuse to cut it from the narrative). “You can't even remember your lines!”
“But is that really my fault? I mean, who writes this stuff?” I said.
“This play,” Canter Zoom said, slowly, “was written by Shaky Bill, the greatest Equestrian playwright to ever pick up a pen. And both of you are butchering his work!” The director took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose as he slowly calmed himself down. He waved his other hoof at us, distractedly. “You know what? Take fifteen. Juniper, go make a coffee run.”
“Already done, Uncle Zoom!” A sprightly, entirely too enthusiastic mare in pigtails materialized next to the director, bearing one of those cardboard carrying trays, loaded down with the sort of fancy paper cups that you get from the finest of coffee establishments.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie shall be in her dressing room!” The play's 'star' said as soon as Juniper Montage gave her a cup of coffee. Trixie turned her nose up at a haughty angle, and sashayed off stage. It would've been a lot more impressive of a gesture if she hadn't tripped over a pile of rope and fallen on her face a few paces later. If you, dear reader, learn nothing else from my memoirs here, remember to look where you're going whenever you're in a theater. I played the better pony and didn't laugh, but it was a close thing.
Juniper foisted my coffee on me (straight black-- no sugar, no creamer, and, most unfortunately, no brandy), and I nodded an idle thanks. I was about to head back to my own dressing room when I heard the doors at the back of the theater open.
“Canter, baby--” a smooth voice echoed through the big room. “You've got to relax. All this stress will kill you if you're not careful.” A tall unicorn with a too thin moustache and a too-wide smile trotted down the steps, down towards the stage. His navy blue suit was impeccably tailored (a Rarity original, somepony once told me), and a diamond the size of a quail's egg held his silk ascot in place. A gorgeous blonde pegasus mare in equally elegant attire walked alongside him, nose turned slightly upward in mild disapproval. She had the longest plumage I've ever seen on anypony who wasn't a princess, and walked with the confidence that she knew how to use it, too. Thinking about it is enough to make an old lech like me blush, even all these years later.
Instead of retreating back to my dressing room, I instead lingered on the stage and sipped my coffee-- after all the rehearsal, having someone else put on a show was quite the appealing prospect. I'd met the unicorn before, of course-- but the mare was a different
“Deep Pockets.” Canter Zoom said, forcing a smile. “A pleasure to see you.” His expression softened slightly as he greeted the pegasus. “And you too, Spotlight.”
Spotlight smiled wanly, and nodded to the director.
“I wish I could say the same.” Deep Pockets said, voice mournful. “I mean, I just happened to be in the neighborhood, and I just happened to drop in, to check in on my investment, and what do I find but my director shouting his head off at my star actors?” He trotted down to Deep Pockets, plucking a cup of coffee from Juniper Montage's cardboard tray in the process.
“I'm just trying to get the most out of your ... investment.” Canter Zoom said. “That's what you hired me for, after all.”
“That's also why I hired our stars.” Deep Pockets said, and turned his attention to me as I was in mid-swig of my own coffee. “After all, who better to play the famed Flash Magnus than our very own Hero of Equestria?”
I gulped down a mouthful of hot, bitter brew, and reflexively played the part I'd built up ever since that fiasco at Princess Cadance's wedding.* “All in the line of duty, sir.”
*See: The Prisoner of Zebra.
“See! He's perfect!” Deep Pockets said. “You couldn't ask for a better pony to play the part. I'm telling you, Canter Zoom, all of Canterlot's going to want to see the great Flash Sentry in action.”
“Nopony's going to buy tickets if he can't remember his lines! And if that wasn't enough, I can barely get a word in edgewise before the 'Great and Powerful Trixie—'” Yes, he used hoof-quotes. “--starts playing diva.”
“Amateurs.” Spotlight said-- the first word she'd muttered since she'd walked into the theater.
“That's what rehearsal's for!” Deep Pockets clapped Canter Zoom on the shoulder with forced camaraderie. “I know things get a little ... tense when it gets close to opening night, but I have full faith in you. I'll go talk to Trixie, try to smooth things out. You just concentrate on making this show the best it can be.”
Canter Zoom pulled in a steadying breath, and closed his eyes. “Fine.” He said, and then turned his attention back to the stage-- where, I, foolishly, was still standing in the middle of things, drinking my coffee and watching the show.
“What do you think you're doing?” Canter Zoom barked at me with the kind of tone that would do a drill sergeant proud. “Stop standing around like an idiot and go practice your lines!”
“Er, of course, sir.” I said, and trotted off stage to get out of Canter Zoom's line of ire.
“Having fun, Sentry?” Carrot Top said as she appeared from behind a gaudily painted scenery flat. You'd think, after knowing her so long, I would have gotten used to Carrot Top (a.k.a. Special Agent Golden Harvest, the Equestrian Intelligence Office's premiere operative and Sentry-wrangler)* making unexpected appearances, but you'd be wrong. It took every ounce of my self control (which honestly doesn't amount to much anyway) to keep myself from spilling coffee all over myself.
*See: Just about any other installment of the Flash Sentry Papers.
“Beats my usual line of work.” I managed after gulping down a mouthful of the bitter brew. “I mean, at least here, ponies are only pretending to try to kill me.”
“Careful, Sentry.” Carrot Top nudged me with a wink. “You never know when some jealous understudy's might try to arrange an 'accident' so they get a bigger part.”
“Very funny.” I said, and then paused. “You are kidding, aren't you?”
“Mostly.” Carrot Top shrugged. “But at least you've faced worse.”
“Unfortunately.” I said.
“Flashy!” Deep Pockets trotted up to the two of us, far less stealthy than Carrot Top. “How's my favorite leading stallion?”
“Just fine, thank you.” I said, offhandedly.
“And who, dare I ask, is this lovely vision here?” Deep Pockets fixed his eyes on Carrot Top.
“Oh, I'm nobody.” Carrot Top said with practiced demureness. The faintest of blushes crossed her cheeks, however. Deep Pockets just smiled wider, and in that instant, I couldn't help but recognize a fellow rake. The producer was simply too smooth, too glib, and too well-dressed to be anything but. Under normal circumstances, I would've been happy to just buy him a drink, but at that moment I found myself uncharacteristically, unreasonably wary of the way he looked at Carrot Top. Not that she couldn't handle herself (she'd done just fine dealing with me, after all), but still.
“This,” I said, even as I stretched my left wing across Carrot Top's shoulders, “is Miss Carrot Top, of Ponyville. She and I are ... “ I paused, realizing I couldn't think of the proper word to describe our particular relationship. 'Lovers' was too salacious, 'partners' too sterile. Honestly, it's a something of a flaw in the Equestrian language that there's no good word for 'somepony you're inexplicably fond of despite the number of times they've nearly gotten you killed.'*
“Close.” I said.
*Incidentally, there is an Old Draconian word with this exact definition. Unfortunately, due to the phonetic structure of Old Draconian, said word is unpronounceable to creatures who are unable to breathe fire.
“Are you?” Deep Pockets said.
“It's complicated.” Carrot Top said, though she didn't wriggle out from under my wing.
“All the best things are, aren't they?” Deep Pockets said with a wink. “But, don't let me interrupt you two lovebirds-- I just wanted to say hi to my star here.” The producer beamed, and reached up to pat me on the cheek. “I just want you to know, don't mind anything that Canter Zoom says. I've worked with him for years, and he always gets paranoid before a show. But it'll all come together, I promise you. He's that good. You're that good, Flashy-- even if you don't know it yet.”
“Why, er, thank you.” I said.
“Now, because you're that good, I'm gonna need you to keep it together, right? I believe in you, but there are a lot of ponies with a lot riding on this production. If it's a flop, things could get ... unpleasant.”
“Hardly more unpleasant than fighting through a Changeling hive, I wager.” I didn't like to brag, but sometimes I found it necessary to remind ponies of my (secretly fraudulent) reputation. It did wonders when somepony was trying to threaten me.
“Got me there.” Deep Pockets said with a slightly forced laugh. “But just try to work on your lines, alright?”
“PLACES, EVERYONE!” Canter Zoom bellowed through his microphone. “WE'RE TAKING IT FROM THE START OF ACT TWO IN THREE MINUTES! PLACES!”
“You heard the pony.” Deep Pockets said with a grin. “We'll talk later, Flashy-- keep up the good work!” And with that, Deep Pockets trotted off.
Carrot Top watched him go, and then turned to look up at me with a smirk. “I never pegged you for the jealous type.”
“Me? Jealous?” I sputtered. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”
“I know you're a better liar than that, Sentry.”
“Now you're just teasing me.”
“And why would I do that?” Carrot Top winked, and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. “I'll meet you in your dressing room after the show.”
“Well then.” I said, feeling my wings give an impatient rustle.
Carrot Top just laughed, melodiously, and trotted through the chaos of backstage, sure-hoofedly winding her way through moving scenery and marching extras.
“Sentry!” The stage manager with the clipboard snapped at me, and plunked a fresh costume helmet onto my head. “Pay attention! You're on!”
“Once more unto the breach, then.” I murmured to myself, and went on stage.
And so, the heroic Flash Magnus did save Equestria from certain doom (again), and won the hoof of the lovely unicorn maid Ardent Dale (again). I managed to remember the majority of my lines this time, and was able to improvise the ones I didn't. Whenever I got stuck I'd just say something ridiculously heroic like “Tally ho!” and start pretending to fight the nearest extra.
Still, we made it through more or less intact, and at least Canter Zoom's assistant Juniper clapped her hooves by the time the curtain fell. Trixie, of course, drank up the applause, despite the fact it was coming from just the one mare.
“That ... was decent.” Canter Zoom finally said, slumping in his chair. “Everyone go change out of costume, and we'll go over notes afterward.”
I nodded, and ducked into the narrow stairwell that rose up to my dressing room. It normally took only a minute or so to get up there, but this time there was a lady in my way.
“Hello, Flash.” Spotlight said. The blonde mare hovered in the air above the steps, making sure to stretch her wings out in a most interesting manner with each hovering stroke.
“Ah, hello. Er ... Spotlight, isn't it?”
“It is.” She smiled, slyly, and lowered herself to stand very, very close to me. Not that I could blame her-- I've always been a particularly handsome stallion, and I imagined my dashing performance on stage was enough to peak the interest of any red-blooded mare. “I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time.”
“Really?” I said. “Well, that's flattering. Perhaps we could--”
“There's no time.” Spotlight pressed herself against me, causing the tin plates of my costume armor to clink together. “We can't let my husband find out.”
“Husband?” I blurted.
“Deep Pockets. He loved me. I'm just a ... a trophy to him.” She sniffed, and draped her forelegs around my neck, pulling me in closer. “When I saw you on stage, I knew you were more than an actor-- you're ... you're a hero. Just the sort of stallion who could could sweep me from my hooves, take me away from all ... all this.” She looked up at me with her deep blue eyes, lips parted just-so, just waiting for somepony to bow in for a kiss ...
I knew better.
In these memoirs of mine, I've made no secret of my caddishness. But, even in my myriad affairs and escapades, I followed certain rules. And, even as foolish as I was (and still am, come to think of it) I knew better than to dally with a married mare. That was the sort of thing that lead to duels and/or divorce court, both things that a coward like me wanted nothing to do with. Not to mention, of course, the fact that Special Agent Golden Harvest was waiting for me
“Ma'am.” I said, affecting a more chivalrous tone than I'd used on stage. “I'm flattered, but this is wildly inappropriate. What you need is a divorce lawyer, not a simple soldier like me.”
Spotlight blinked, and her expression changed as quickly as if I'd dumped a bucket of icewater on her perfectly coiffed blonde head. “Oh. So that's how it is.” She seethed, and pulled her (admittedly enticing) wings against her sides. She shoved her way past me, and trotted out the door, muttering invectives to herself.
I stared after her through the open doorway, and then shook my head. There was something else at play here, and I wanted nothing to do with it. And so, I made my way back up to my dressing room, hoping that Carrot Top hadn't thought to peek down the winding staircase to see Spotlight throwing herself at me.
Any alibis I might have concocted were immediately forgotten once I opened the dressing room door and saw the dead body.
Stats
Page generated in 0.029 seconds
Total duration
996 users online
3,155 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I've been waiting for this one.
That may be the funniest thing you've ever written.
In any case, most enticing opening to a new entry in the Papers, and nice use of Canter Zoom and Juniper Montage alike. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this one.
I see Flash Sentry papers, I like it and I fave it. And then I read it.
This is going to be hilariously good, I can feel it
I did not hit her, it's not true, it's bullshit, I did not hit her, I did not. Oh hi, Mark.
Executive Meddling's a bitch, innit?
Of course.
You scare me.
This amuses me FAR too much.
I'd imagine.
Of course. This is so bad an act even I can see through it.
Well shit.
8675440
Not gonna lie, I've been waiting for the chance to use that gag too. :)
"Ardent Dale"
8676337
Damnit, now I can't remember the character's original name.
Damn! Heck of a good start to this one!
8676597
Dale Arden
8675734
I'm honestly surprised it's taken someone this long,
Really? Really?
I can't be the only excited to see Juniper try and poison Trixie's coffee.
Gosh darn it I should know by now not to read your stories until they're completed with all these cliffhangers.
i cliff hanger in the first chapter...
Fuck
You sure do know how to write a cliffhanger.
Flash! (A-ah!)
Gadara, noun: Best Frenemy, from the Kane language of Alera. Not quite the same idea, but I think the Kanim and Dragons would get along.
Was wondering if Flash X Golden was a thing. That's why I came here from Carabas.
And it seems like it! ... Yeah, gonna read this, then start from the beginning.
You missing some end punctuation here?