Losing a Sister

DeshLune #1 · Jan 16th, 2018 · 2 · 4 ·

I'll get this out of the way first and foremost -- the thing that is resting on everyone's minds as they read the story -- get a flippin' editor or proofreader! I will do it myself if I have to, but it is the second story (which you did better on) and the errors still persist in the great quantities that shouldn't be in the story. They are persistent, much like a leech leeching your blood away. You can have some credits, for a ticket to a remote planet on the outer rim that you can learn.

The dialogue is a tad clunky, the quotation marks are spread out in seemingly random places that don't help. You succeeded at making it so that it is almost impossible to tell thought from spoken word. Remember: a quotation mark is at the start and end of the dialogue, not (possibly) at the start, then after that, then in the next paragraph. It loses any consistency for what it is and what it could become. It isn't even that it isn't interesting, but that it is left to be so inclusive that one is left wondering what the hay is going on. I could probably spend another paragraph on dialogue alone.

Buck it! That is what I'll do. Here is an example from the text: "'Did..did I get her?' Please tell me I got her.'" That is all one piece, yet you separated it for no reason whatsoever and ran with it. Was the thought, "This is a sentence and that is a sentence, so let's split them up in the dialogue." Clearly not how you talk, but you get the point! Right? No? Well... let's continue with this... evocative comment. Get the bucking quotation marks correct! The spelling is bad, sure, but one should be able to tell what is being spoken versus what isn't being spoken.

Now it is time for the next part... the spelling, the part that has gone to the moon (or will); through the fire (and the flames) this was beaten with the large hammer's face, slowly being bent and molded, before heated and beaten again -- all before its inevitable quenching in the water. That is how the process should have gone... but instead, you decided to quench it, heat it, quench it and so on; eventually it became so brittle it just snapped off and we were left with this... this... bloodstain. Those shards that remain are where the blood came from as when they were picked up, you continued to pierce your skin and slowly bled -- or maybe that was us.

The simplest of mistakes were made, time and time again; even in the last one we said get an editor. Did you? It seems not. I will commend you, this one improved over the last one by leaps (not bounds). It has a long ways to go, and I don't think it will be perfect (nothing will); yet that doesn't stop one from hoping! Homophones (the words that sound the same but mean different things -- often times even looking similar [there, their, they're]) are a particular weakness of yours, maybe one day you will learn... maybe you won't, at this point I can only say good luck. Now that I think about it, you also used the wrong words entirely at some points! The one that rubs me the wrong way (slightly) would be this one: "sward" it is the sorriest excuse for anything that I have ever seen!

I am given the image of a "sward swallower" who earns a living swallowing a fictitious item known simply as a "sward"... er... you may try at it, but you seem to fall so hard (and got so far) in the end it didn't even matter. You tried so hard. That much shows. That much is clear. That much... is a small step. You will... nay, you must improve more. No excuses.

I know you say you are bad at this type of thing, but do you know what? That is an excuse. And you keep hiding behind it. If you are bad at something, don't default to hiding behind those dreaded words of deficiency -- no, improve and get better (you thought I would say "git gud"). It works the same as when someone tells you that you are bad at something, prove them wrong by improving; it is even better when they say you are the absolute worst at it, then you turn it around by getting good (had to do it) and turning their words around in their face.

Before I get lost in writing, I should really get back to the writing, so here it is: punctuation. Remember that? Based on the writing I would say, "No." to that, however, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and say you did. It is all over the place, things just put down without any thought of clarity through punctuation. This is, in every sense of the word, a match-box (the one where you match shapes to the holes)... oh, wrong thing -- it is exactly what is known as a cluster. There are missing spaces, commas, semicolons... everything. You even managed to do an ellipses wrong! How do you do that?

Due to the time, I will be heading to bed... I'll continue this tomorrow. Check back then for part two...

logros13

logros13 #2 · Jan 16th, 2018 · 3 · 1 ·

Reply

8672620
you do realize people are far more likely to take your advise if you do not act like condescending ass while giving it to them right? while i agree with your points the way you deliver them practically guarantees the author wont seriously consider them assuming he even bother reading through you entire post after the blatant insults start... To be honest your post confuses me more than anything, it's well thought out and full of good points but worded in way that practically guarantees that people will dismiss it as flamebait.

DeshLune

DeshLune #3 · Jan 16th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

8672900
I'm aware that it comes off as frank (condescending as you called it), however, I did say there is a part two. Not only that but some parts are exaggerated to put the point across to Anstca (a friend of mine), and while everyone certainly wasn't privy for it; I'm being nicer about it than how Anstca views it himself -- and part two is where I'm going to be giving the advice. The first part is me trying to get the errors across (would have added it to the first part but I needed to get some sleep).

If you see it as just "flamebait" (something I poked fun of in the comment itself) then you are only looking at a face value, and not even well enough; an example would be this: "I'll give you credits--". While some parts may come off as this unimaginative attack on the author, it really isn't. Anstca is my friend, and as he said: "Do your worst; I'm a big boy." I won't be back until I write part two, but I hoped that helps. My advice: Look at a comment more carefully, look to the wording used throughout; if it seems like the person is being needlessly rude, perhaps they have a reason -- perhaps they are just being rude.

Sparkling blaze

Sparkling blaze #4 · Jan 16th, 2018 · 2 · 1 ·

Reply

Great story, Love.May I edit it for you?

Anstca

Anstca #5 · Jan 16th, 2018 · 2 · ·

Reply

8673387
Yeah go ahead Sweetheart.

DeshLune

DeshLune #6 · Jan 17th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

8672620
Time for the much awaited part two. I'll start this off by saying, "Good job!" Several of the errors have been fixed, and while plenty remain things are looking much better -- readable even... to some extent. I still haven't gotten your credits together, not with the rise of the Empire going on; makes credit collection rather difficult to do now-a-days. Maybe one day this planet won't be under the heavy thumb of the Empire and we can get some proper...

You know what was lacking in the other part? Some real advice. The last part dealt with nearly all the errors that had been in the story, but because I had to leave early I wasn't able to transcribe the most important parts: tips, for improvement. I think I will do that in a few categories; punctuation and spelling (grammar) improvement, and story telling improvement (because this is totally different). More may come if I think of them, however, those three should cover all of the things I want to talk about with you today.

The first up punctuation and spelling (grammar). Now... most people will say this, "If you have a hard time with the grammar side of things, then you need to read more." to that I say this, "False." Simple, no? Reading does help, but only by reading in a certain way: you have to read in a more analytical sense; as if you just read, you aren't paying much attention to the words used, just that you are getting the story told. What you should start doing is reading more things; not just anything, but the stories that are written well -- they don't even need to tell a good story (as that isn't what this part is about), however, they have to be as grammatically correct as you can find. There is no quick solution, you will have to spend time to develop a better understanding of language. Sure, you can always get an editor or a proofreader, but that means you are relying on someone else to do something that you should be able to do.

Another way to improve at grammar (as odd as it sounds) is to help people edit, or watch someone edit (I'd say Melody or Saint -- they will be far more proactive about it than I); the second thing you need to do with this way, is ask questions. It is highly important that you ask any and all questions, it will go a long way to coming to understand what (and why) they do what they do (actions, not editing in general). There is one final method, study. Read through articles about punctuation and look up words when you don't know if it is correct; eventually things will become so second nature that they are registered in a more muscle memory way. (Listened to that one Frozen song while writing this part, hopefully it wasn't too cold.)

Next up is story telling improvement. This would be the way a story is told; as well as the contents making it up. This one is going to be far more... evocative. I'll use your story for examples and either find something or just make up other things for others. Time to jump right in -- the story opens up right into mentions of Celestia talking about the events of the past and why she believes things turned out the way they do, she then goes on to explain the events of the Crystal Purification Celebration (I assume that is what you meant). You then mention that something happened between Sombra and Chrysalis, before going off tangent about how much Luna adores Cadence. She (Celestia) ponders about what could have caused Luna's changing nature. Then it goes in a small scuffle between Luna and... something, before it ends.

That was the entirety of your story (leaving things out of course), but those were the main events. Do you notice something I didn't mention? The note. The entire thing isn't the note, it has several different writing styles and it really doesn't make itself appear in a note manner, or even in the way Celestia would do it. She still has a more formal writing style. Anyway, critics aside, this is to focus on improvements. How do you get better at telling a story? This one is funny; you read things that other people have written. Instead of paying attention to the grammar, pay attention to the words chosen and how things are presented. If you want to write something sad, you can't (or at least shouldn't) read a clopfic to understand sadness... at least I don't think that is how it works.

Naturally that is only one way to improve. Another way is to keep writing, however, it requires that others help you -- by leaving feedback and suggestions. You can improve through simply writing (it is partially what I did) and experimenting, though this method has the most troubles; because you need at least an average understanding of story telling to begin with (something that we both know you aren't quite at). It does help to read lots of stories, just to see the way things are written.

I could honestly go on and on about ways to improve certain skills and whatnot. But I will end it with this: You should read other stories, and pay attention to the way it is written, not just the story itself. It will take some time to get far better, however, you did make an improvement from the last story and if you stay on this forward trajectory then you will get there eventually. I'm off...

Edit: Almost 2k words. I think I won! XD

Anstca

Anstca #7 · Jan 17th, 2018 · 2 · ·

Reply

8674663
Thanks for the advice man. And yeah you wrote more then I did so here. 🍰 (Would have gave you a cookie but the don't have a cookie emoji)

DeshLune

DeshLune #8 · Jan 17th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

8674673
The cake is a lie! Why would you do that to me?! T_T

Anstca

Anstca #9 · Jan 17th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

8674708
This cake was real tho. I baked it myself.

RoboCom64 Zelos

RoboCom64 Zelos #10 · Jan 17th, 2018 · 2 · 1 ·

Reply

Alright, move over, Deshy. Time for some hard hitting REAL manly criticism. I won't be saying anything about the grammar because Deshy has covered it already.

1. Honestly? Starting a story with a brooding protagonist who ruminates about how he/she fucked up and failed and how they are a fuck up for fucking up? This is the every person's "never written a story, but how I imagine emotionally resonant stories start" starter pack.

2. It feels way to self-indulgent in it's own mysery and drama.

3. It has no style or apparent feel to it. It feels like a jumble of words, hastly written by some random bloke. The only thing that shines through is the edgy drama, I've already mentioned and by now, they have become just about the most common staple of shitty "my first time writing" fanfiction.

4. The pacing is utterly horrid. Things just confusingly jump from one to the other, not letting any single moment set in.

5. I know that many write fanfiction, because they already have the existing world and characters to work with and people will inherently care, more of less, but damn, mate, there is not a single reason to care for anything that goes on here. From the very start it's just the standart amateur drama schlock, that spends no time actually investing the reader into anything that is going on.

6. Just realized, that this whole thing is supposed to be a note. That makes it even worse. There is nothing in the writing to signify it being a note. It does not feel like a note. It is not structured like a note. It uses no upsides and tools, that are given to the writer, when they write about a note.

7. Duuuuuuuuuude...😎

Anstca

Anstca #11 · Jan 17th, 2018 · 2 · ·

Reply

8674714
Well I can't say you're wrong. Thanks for being honest. Also duuuuuuude.

Anstca

Anstca #12 · Jan 19th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

8679214
Thanks Saint

Anstca

Anstca #13 · Jan 19th, 2018 · · ·

Reply

8679327
I fixed it, thanks again.

Anstca

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Anstca

Also LikedSimilarAuthor

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Also Liked Similar Author