• Member Since 13th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Monday

KitsuneRisu


Somedays, I sit, looking at the stars. I muse and wonder. I meditate and reflect. And I find the miracle in a new day of life. Especially since I swallowed so much glass the day before.

Comments ( 119 )

:raritydespair: - But... but I never got a turn! That's not fair! There was time now! THERE WAS TIME!

:twilightblush: - Aheh, sorry Rarity. Grab the mop?

This was an excellent jaunt into the seedy world that lays hidden beneath the innocent pastel lies that Ponyville hides in its basements! A lovely bit of uniqueness penned by my very favorite author, whom I was delighted to assist! I love the way this story is crafted, from pacing to characterization - I actually ENJOYED the process of spell checking, okay? I just... don't have enough words to give!

I'm humbled. Bravo friend, bravo.

:pinkiehappy: - OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH I SO WANT A TURN!

962644
No Pinkie. NEVER. =D

I like this. Keep writing.

962675
Thank you. I shall. :duck:

The ending took me by surprise, and made me chuckle. Twilight, the masochist roleplayer. Lovely.

962686
Thank you. I've always been a fan of switching things up at the end. Brings a new perspective to the fic, eh? =)

Fan-Freaking-Tastic! I'm not one for the dark crowd but this was good. To find out it was all role play at the end. That was genius! :pinkiehappy: For your next story, do something with Pinkie Pie! :pinkiehappy: Have a like, favorite, watch, and dragon with a 'stache:moustache:

962697
If you would like to elaborate....

962702
Thanks ever so much. I appreciate that, especially the little dragon. You can't have too many of those! Actually, I already had an idea planned for a pinkie pie one... and something to do with a new flavour of creme brulee sold at the Corner... :pinkiecrazy:

Wtf that ending lol :rainbowlaugh:

962722
Ah! Sorry about that. If I can clarify, let me know. =)

Well whatever you do next, know there will be more dragons, likes, and favorites. Keep up the good fics. Also, there's no way this fic could be 20% cooler. :rainbowdetermined2:

962730
Could put Rainbow Dash outside the window rubbin' one out. =D

To true. Maybe this story from an alternitive view? Please? And with some Vinyl? Dashing wants. :rainbowkiss:

962651

:pinkiegasp: - What! WHAT!? YOU'RE A BIG MEANY PANTS.

Yep, love the ending! You should make a series! The book um... what did I pitch? "Evolutio Paroxysm" I think. I don't know, my girl brain can't comprehend. Too much dirty reading for one night. I DON'T EVEN LIKE CLOP!

WOW. Good turnout already! See? Told you it'd be well-received.

:raritywink: - You should listen to me more often, darling.

962741
Haha, well... we'll see. Honestly, I want to do a sort of series, in which each one has a level of weirdness or fucked-upness that really draws out that sense of danger or fear without needing to travel into the realm of gore or vulgarity. I'm really glad this one is being taken well. =)

But I think this is pretty set as it is, but... Vinyl/Dash eh? I'm open to ideas for future installations. I can think of an idea now revolving around music...

So first things first. I like the fic. I like the concept. I like the setup. I like the payoff.

Now I'm gonna criticize the living fuck out of it.

[youtube=d0I5jsBkVI8]

The ending is my biggest problem.
See, one of the reasons I like your writing is that you put the characters into extremely contrary to canon situations, yet keep them very fundamentally IC.
This is why I was relatively sure there was a twist coming up. Rarity was... almost forced in her cruelty. Nowhere near seductive or playful enough to be believable.
Also the comedy tag would have been woefully misrepresented otherwise.
However at the ending... No.
Spike with the camera, Twi so bitchy, Rarity so... meek.
I get that it was for humorous impact, but I think it would almost be funnier if you played their reactions straighter at character at the end.
Specifically I didn't like Spike's method of interruption. Especially at the fact that he was photographing Twilight being plundered. That's creepy. Now Rarity I understand.
Like maybe have Twi about to turn the tables on Rarity with some ridiculously contrived role-played comeback gambit and Spike moves in for a better view on Rarity's "comeuppance"?
Also not a fan of the automatic assumed promiscuity in many mane 6 casual sex fics. the line "when Twilight has friends down in the basement, Twilight does not want to be disturbed". That was just... no. I'd much rather have "friends" changed to "Rarity and I". Also, WTF is with the 3rd person? I almost thought you were implying Trixie and Twi were shapeshifting for the role-play.
Also Rarity should be, you know, a contradictory combination of sardonic and dramatic...

Also... All the major sex was too... detached. Kinky only in the fact that it was "forced" and "painful".
Not... playful enough.
If I could make scene suggestions, have Rarity be gentle with the quill and then suddenly rough.
Have her make Twi enjoy, both physically and by implying she's being "nice" to Twi and using the pleasure to make it up to her. it and then deny her pleasure, make her almost want it back. Then give her sandpaper instead of silk, just to play with her emotions further.
Also, have Rarity get into it more. Let her feel aroused at what she's doing.
Instead of just having her enjoy messing with Twi, have her get conceited at her control and skill in her punishments. She's acting like a bull in a china shop when she's actually the most precise and elaborate of the group.
Main suggestions would be to have her do more little moves of finesse to agonize Twi before moving to the big ones to terrorize her.
Again a couple scene suggestions would be to have her both blow on and lick the feather while the quill is in Twi instead of just using her hoof.
For instance, she could maybe let some saliva run down the quill into the hole to lube Twi up more to work the quill better. Use the prop to greater effect.
Also, have her walk around to Twi's rump to get a good look at her hoofwork in action. She is a very visually driven personality after all.

Your idea really is taking off. I like the no gore or swearing yet still fucked up stories. I mean not normally, but this was fantastic.

I don't think there has ever been a Vinyl/Dash story. At least that I could think. To be truthful, I said Vinyl above 'cause Vinyl is simply awesome. But I like your idea a lot. You should do it! Yay! :yay:

the quill returning back to black and the streaks of blood on her hoof and horn disappearing

I think you mean flank, not hoof.

That was a good story. I'm not really into dark fics, but i decided to give this a shot. At the end I felt like I got trolled, but in a good way. It's things like those that completely throws the readers perspective into a loop. I like that in some stories. Good job. :pinkiesmile:

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1ykuickwI1r9ntj6o1_500.png

Ending is best ending ever.

962777
Again, thanks very much. I can always count on you for a good drilldown of my work.

Fundamentally, I think we have a different idea of what I was trying to accomplish in this fic. Mind you, this is the first time, EVER, I have ever written anything remotely sexual. I have been writing for many things for a long time but, well. It's not an excuse, just an explanation.

Let me start first by saying thanks for sticking around even though I keep disappointing you =D but.. hm.. Let's start with what I agree with. - Spike. Yes. What you proposed is far better. I can see that in my mind now... but I did not consider it before. The reason why I stuck with the camera was because I was joking with it with someone else when I was planning the story out and decided to just keep it. But, new options will allow me to write better in the future. Taken to heart. Although, if it's creepy, it's doing exactly what it is intended to do =)

Mind you, I am a weird/horror writer at heart first, so that was the idea. It's not a erotic fic with horror elements, I'd rather consider it a horror fic with eroticism. I intend on it getting much more surreal in the future, but I will try to handle it well and I always will encourage your excellent feedback.

Secondly, the promiscuity was set in there to just show Twilight's dominance. 'Friends' does not specify the mane 6 in particular. They're just 'friends'. The 3rd person because it is an establishment of this weird 'alter-relationship' between Twi and Spike in this scene. It is MEANT to be weird and creepy and kind of wrong.

Rarity, too, would be more dramatic, but she is under the presence of a dominating whore Twilight who forced her to act out this whole thing for her personal pleasure, so she is more subdued. Also, quite tired. But you're also right, I could have added a few lines of "Oh, my performance, darling! It wears one out!" or something like that. Again, point noted.

Now... the meat. The Sex. If you're looking for that kind of teasing sort of playful boundaries, that was never what I intended. All your examples work well for a fic whose purpose is to tittilate with the sex itself, my purpose was to create that using mood and the principles of danger and fear on a very deep visceral level. Again, without resorting to hardcore porn, vulgarity or gore. I do not know if this has been accomplished, since... I'm new, as stated, but the scenes that you described I might have gone with if I wasn't trying to create said atmosphere.

why I decided not to put any scenes where she was actually being gentle and actually trying to tease Twi with 'wanting more' is for the fact that it is meant to have a viciousness to it. Almost as if she couldn't hold back with what she wanted to do so much to the point that she lost her own control. At least, that was the idea.

Your ideas of using the props better, though, are taken into consideration. I definitely need to get more 'free' with it, but... give me a while to sink into the subject =)

Once again, thanks so much for your excellent feedback. If I write a scene like that one again, I will think better on this. Although as trends would have it, it seems like this exchange of ideas might not be our last. :twilightsmile:

EDIT:
Having thought about it some more, you're right. Having them more to original character at the end might do better. Definitely gonna have to work on this one.

Every pony, let's get this story featured!:pinkiehappy:

962784

No, the horn had the blood when it was 'cut' to stop her magic, and her hoof when it was pricked for the drop of blood. Her flank was... um.. spanked. No blood there, just a bruise. :rainbowkiss:

962782
We shall see. My Pinkie idea is seriously a bit more... odd-sexy than actually having sex. So.. maybe I'll skip that and go to Vyndash. I have no idea. I have so many things in the works. Check out my other fics if you want! =D *Totally NOT pimping himself out*

962803
962805
Thank you. I have never had a seal before ;_; That's sweet. What's the.. um.. seal-to-mustachioed-dragon ratio?

962840

Oh, OK. I see. That part was not incredibly clear to me the first time I read it.

962828

:facehoof: - FEATURED? Oh no... but then EVERYPONY will know we're raging, masochistic whores!

:raritystarry: - Sounds good to me, dear! The name of the game is fame, after all.

:moustache: - I'm not Spike, and I approve of this decision!

:twilightoops: - ... fuck my life.

962827

I "get" it. I just don't "feel" it.

See, the reason I make those suggestions is not because of the story, it's because of believability.

I understand what you were trying to portray and accomplish with the fic, the roleplay represented as real until the scene was broken by an interruption. The sense of being at the mercy of a dangerous wrathful individual who is toeing the line between tormenting and torturing you. The dark eroticism of being helpless and in fear of your life, yet being given intense pleasure, not out of love, but out of anger.

The problem is that I don't find it believable.

That's not how rape fantasy roleplay works. That's more how extreme sub/dom BDSM and hyper clinical medical fetish roleplay work.
And while Rarity's attitude fits the latter, her actions are squarely in the former.
It's too contradictory.

962971
Fair enough. Again, newbie. Didn't expect to grasp the concept off the bat. Let me try to understand this. What you're saying is that it lacks the -true- purpose of Rarity's acting, in that while she was roleplaying all this while, she behaved too much as if she wasn't? As in, the focus of the scene was too much on the effort of it being -real- rather than part of the twist ending?

Thank Gods for that...:twilightblush:

You sir, have all my thumbs.

Damn talk about mood whiplash, I was just about ready to have my heart shatter. I don't normally read clop, I should have read the comments first.

Besides that I did like the story, you can really set a mood.

962983

No.
The roleplay is entirely incidental to the realism or believability of the scenario prior to the roleplay reveal.
What I'm saying is that instead of portraying the fetish you were aiming for, you instead portrayed 2 different and contradictory fetishes.
The tone and "scenario" said "unstable psycho with sexual torture" at the beginning, but when the sex started, Rarity acted like "mistress punishment angry dom", and most of the sex itself was squarely in the "forced orgasm/pleasurable rape" category. (Your scenario said grimdark, your characters said BDSM, your clop said rough dubcon.)

The main difference is in the attitude of the aggressor, and the motivation of the sexual activities between the different fetishes.

And then the ending twist is awesome, but the ending itself ruins it. See, this is hot if it's Twi and Rarity with a peeping tom Spike. But letch Spike, nympho bitch Twi and doormat rarity make me stop caring about what I just read because it no longer stars recognizable characters I know and like.


But this is all my opinion, though I stand by it.
Also, I am critical of most fics I read, but I ab HYPERCRITICAL of erotica. Just ask another "Kits" about the review I wrote for his clopfic that was longer than the fic itself...:facehoof:

963099
You are extremely knowledgable on the subject, as it seems. I'm a bit frightened now. =D
Nah. Well, honestly, the concepts are a bit lost on me. I won't lie. I didn't even know there were so many categories. I don't even know what dubcon IS. (Yes. Please explain. ) I just hope you won't judge me too harshly on this. But I think I understand what you're saying. I hope. Either way, more time to practice in the future, definitely. Let's see how the next one will come out. It'll be a bit more straightforward, but far, FAR more in the 'strange' category, which may or may not be to your liking. Trying to keep standards straight, keep motivations solid. Will keep that in mind!

Also as I edited above in a previous comment, you're right about the characterizations. Absolutely. I know that 'nympho bitch' Twilight in on itself is that sort of thing some people like though, but I also know about your love of characters within the universe =) Well, this one I can't compromise one without sacrificing the other, so it's just a point of preference, although with hindsight, I probably would have gone with the regular non-adjusted characters. I also actually didn't intend to make Rarity out to be THAT doormat... well. mfh. I don't write very well, I suppose.

But hey, help is help. You're always around to yell at me, and believe it or not, I do try to take as much as I can even though I try to also state my own points of view. So, genuinely, thanks. =) And for all this time you're spending on someone whom has YET to give you a favourite.

963134

I don't critique what I don't appreciate to begin with.
I don't provide feedback to berate, I do it to assist.
If I like a story, I point out to the author places where I think the story could be improved, either by fixing "issues" or by taking advantage of "opportunities".

And "dubcon" is a portmanteau of "dubious consent". Basically on the border between consensual (con) and non-consensual (non-con). Best described as the "victim" being sort of OK with what is happening to them, while not actually wanting it to happen. (Think Molestia: everyone lets her molest them cause she's the princess and they love her, but it's not like they asked for it.)

Some people wonder how come I have such a vast knowledge of perverted subjects. I tell them I've been reading Savage Love since I was 16. Highly recommended.

963198
And I am further educated. Dubcon... dubcon is fun. :rainbowwild:
And as for me, it only took... you know. Cartoon ponies to make me foray into the world of debauchery. Completely natural. I have actually never... read clop or romance or erotica before. Not a single one, not seriously and not in a way that made me happy. I've merely browsed a few out of curiousity, and mostly skimmed them. I hope this makes up for my obvious lack of talent in this field. :D

I just decided to do it because I'm a freaky weirdo and I like writing freaky weird things. Always room to improve. Glad you have my back.

963222

Hmm... Don't worry about clop and erotica. 99% of it is shit. It's only as informative as the author is informed. And many disregard reality entirely to portray their fantasies.
The only ones i could recommend as "not crap" would not help with horror writing.
Educate yourself and then express yourself.

This was actually a pretty good attempt at fearotica. Just needed more fear and less erotica to be believable.
Or less fear and more erotica to be clop.

963254
OR MORE OF EVERYTHING! Muahahahahahahaha! I CAN have it all!!!!!

963490
A great and terrible evil.

WHAT A TWIST!
And here I thought you were merciless to Twilight... and... then :moustache: Stumbles into things.... Well done mate.

First I was like :trixieshiftright:, then I was like :twilightblush:, then it started getting :twilightoops:

When suddenly... dat ending! Genius! :trollestia:

962850 I'd say do the odd sexy later. VynDash may be interesting. I've also heard of a Luna/Derpy pairing. Let's see what you have up your sleeve. I'll check out your other stuff to. Hopefully it's as good as this. :pinkiehappy:

962958 :raritystarry: I also approve.

:facehoof: well if we're all going with it... What the hay! I approve to!

964063
It's all very DIFFERENT. That's all I have to say. This is the only erotica fic I have so far.. And the rest range from horror to mystery to sad to comedy. I have one offsite, a comedy called 'Diaries of an Equestrian Overlord' that was quite well recieved in the day. Have a link to it on my profile.otherwise, enjoy! Also in the time you were gone I cranked out another weird erotic piece. But it's super odd. I might post it soon and then work on VynDash. :)

P.S. Lunerpy makes my head stop working :(

964098

If you'd like, I could do a proof read of it. I'm sure it's good though. And YAY! :yay: VynDash!

You writers and your multitasking. :twilightsheepish: Writing comments and books. I approve. :moustache:

964116
Well I'm actually not at home right now. I'm on my handphone. I'll have to hit you up when I get back.

964145

This makes sense! I only jest. :twilightsheepish:

964165
I actually have no idea what I could do for VynDash that isn't already done. Also it has to be something rather odd, too. It has to be either odd or sinister... A DJ and a Speedster. Hmmm.. I thought of something about music controlling them, but... How to make it appropriate? Otherwisethe characters will be arbitrary... Ooooo this is hard.

964186

Yeah. This may be hard. Maybe the speedster tortured by slow wubs? I don't know. Just something with Vinyl would be interesting. :pinkiehappy:

964186

I could see VynPink being easier to do.

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