Chap. 6 - Close My Willing Eyes
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream Chapter 6
--Georg (Editing by AlicornPriest)
O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,
Our gloom-pleas'd eyes, embower'd from the light,
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close
In midst of this thine hymn my willing eyes,
“To Sleep” by John Keats
Her Highness, Princess Luna, Co-Regent of Equestria and Princess of the Night, lay in the middle of her bedroom floor while clutching her gut with both forelegs and rolling back and forth. The strange noise she was making finally died down to a low squeaking noise, muffled by the pillow over her face but not muffled enough to prevent the Night Guard in her private bathroom from hearing.
“It wasn’t that funny.”
For some reason that set the Princess off yet again in another roll of hysterical laughter across the floor. Pumpernickel was just glad the Royal Door was thick and sound muffled, the Royal Window had been replaced, with Royal Curtains over it to block the possibility of any other Royal Guard having seen his reaction to Princess Luna’s “little prank”. Or his life in the Guard would be Royally Sc—
“Hic!”
“That isn’t funny either, Your Highness.”
“Hic! Oh, you should have seen your face. Hic!”
The Night Guard spat carefully in the toilet and made inventory of his physical and emotional wounds: The lump on his head from running into the bathroom door seemed to be receding, he had finished puking up everything he had eaten for the last three days, and thank Celestia he had made it to the toilet first. He could have sworn Luna had just materialized out of the darkness when she licked his ear and sent him recoiling away in panic, *that* was certainly never mentioned in the Tradition stories! It was most probably his duty as a Royal Guard to gently chastise the Princess for such...improper activities, but with what she had been through lately, he just didn’t have the heart to break her bubble. This was actually the first time he had heard her laugh in a month. Or hiccup. Although the laughter was probably better for her.
Traditionally the Night Pegasi were given a name from the Book of Tradition when they were adopted into a family, as it had been so since the Creation. Most infant Night Pegasi born to common ponies and brought to Canterlot for adoption either had no names at all or inappropriate names like “Abomination” or “That Thing”. He was the fourth to hold the name of Pumpernickel: The first had died on the night of the Banishment, the second had crashed in training, the third had laid down his life in defense of a diplomat to the Griffon kingdom, futile as it was for the diplomat had died immediately afterwards. And now his name was going to be entered in the Book of Tradition with the notation “Died of embarrassment after throwing up in Princess Luna’s bathroom”, oh how glorious and noble that was going to be for the next colt stuck with the name, if any. He washed his face in the basin and dried himself on a fluffy pink towel.
“Pumpernickel, you are an idiot,” he said quietly into the mirror. “A screw-up of the worst order and a laughing stock of the Guard, an embarrassment to your family, and to your entire line.” He rubbed his face harder into the towel in some forlorn hope that perhaps shame was water-soluble and could just be washed away.
Outside the bathroom door the laughter and hiccups slowly transitioned to a low sobbing.
“Princess?” He peeked out the door, hoping she had not overheard his conversation with the mirror.
“Go away,” she sobbed, laying in a indigo heap in the middle of her bedroom. For some reason, the missing tiara and tabard did not bother him as much now. Perhaps getting licked on the ear was some sort of hazing ritual for the Royal Guard that prepared them for their position. Or not. He cleared his raw throat to talk, but could not think of anything to say except, “I’m sorry I got hair on your towel.”
She remained laying in her miserable pile, like some soggy dark swan from the Royal Lake. “My towel? Hic!”
“Yes, my Princess. I apologize, I traded lunches with Vega and I think his spinach and avocado dip had been left out too long.” His mistreated stomach took that moment to rumble loudly, indicating its agreement with his diagnosis. “Excuse me. I really should be going.”
“My pink, Hic! fluffy towel?”
He cringed. “Yes, I’m sorry Your Highness. I’ll have one of the maids bring up a new one.” He eyed the closed door out into the corridor, trying to think of something to cheer the Princess up. “That was a very good prank, Your Highness. I’m sorry I had to ruin it by throwing up. And getting your towel dirty.”
“My pink, fluffy towel with the little bunnies on it? Hic!”
“Err...” He looked down at the towel in his hooves with a sudden sinking sensation in his gut. Bunnies, why did it have to be bunnies?
“Sit.” The Royal Hoof emerged from the mixture of pouting princess and crumpled covers to point to a spot just to one side of the breakfast cart.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to get a replacement—”
“Now!” The Night Pegasus folded himself up into the designated position with a painful thump. “Remain until I have considered thine punishment for soiling the Royal Towel.” Princess Luna opened the breakfast cart slowly and painfully, picking through the contents one item at a time. And there were many, many items. She counted for a while and sighed.
“A plethora of rolled dough nuts with maple icing? And cheesecake? Oh, no. Cheesecakes. Plural. Who in Equestria eats cheesecakes for breakfast? And fourteen types of fruit, we do not even know what kind these are, or if they are palatable to the Royal Tongue. Here.”
A chunk of unidentified yellow fruit levitated over to Pumpernickel, who considered the hopeful possibility that it might be poisonous until he tasted it. “Yech.” He stuck his tongue out and looked for a napkin, not even considering spitting it out on Luna’s pink towel. With bunnies. Deciding that maybe there was a possibility it was really poisonous after all, he gave a swallow.
“That’s....horrible,” he mumbled.
“Ah, good then. Here, try this.” Luna’s dark-blue aura on the fruit combined with his recent bout with the porcelain potty did not make the job of Royal Food-Tester any easier, but as Vega would say, he shut up and kept doing his job until he ran out of job to do.
“*Buuurpp* Hic! Oh fudge.” Luna held a hoof over her mouth. “Pardon us.” She looked at the guard, who had not moved from his dejected position at the other end of the breakfast cart and gestured him towards her.
“You’re looking better this morning, Princess!” he blurted out before blushing and sitting where he was pointed. “Sorry.”
“Despite your treatment of the Royal Towel, twas we who gave the greater and first of wrongs, it should be us who apologizes to you first.” Princess Luna coldly drank the last of her apple juice and placed the empty glass on the cart. “We apologize for our...assault upon thine ear.”
“Oh, that’s nothing Princess, I—”
“Silence! We have not completed our words.”
“Sorry! I mean....” Pumpernickel trailed off and tried to look...anywhere else as Luna levitated the Royal Accoutrements from their stand and put them on, carefully adjusting the tiara as she spoke.
“Our prank caused you pain and discomfort, and as such was an affront upon Our Royal House. The position of Royal Guard is a noble and ancient one, not to be sullied by immature pranks from their charges. By my actions, I brought dishonor upon both Our House, and thine. Thou mayest accept my apology now.”
“No! Honestly, Princess, it was just a little—”
The Princess fluffed up as if she had been physically struck. “No? You do not accept my apology? You wish more?”
“No!! That’s not it, I mean it wasn’t such a big thing, you really don’t need to—”
“Thou wouldst insult the Royal House by not accepting our apology offered in good faith?”
“No! I mean yes! I mean...You didn’t really do anything that needed apologized for, I would forgive you even without an apolog—”
A deep rumble of thunder sounded, far too near for Pumpernickel’s taste, and Luna’s eyes flashed white. “YOU WILL ACCEPT OUR APOLOGY. NOW!”
“This is just what you’re doing to your sister!” The words leapt out of Pumpernickel’s mouth unbidden, despite his best efforts to restrain them. His eyes closed, the guard curled up on the floor and waited for the lightning to strike him dead, but the only sound he heard was a soft weeping. When he opened his eyes, the indigo alicorn was again curled up on her bed, more tears streaming down her damp cheeks. He felt like such a heel; his ears drooped, his wings dragged the floor, and he hung his head. “I’m sorry to have said that.”
The weeping from the Princess slackened. “Thou art forgiven. Verily, there was truth in thy words. We are sorry also.”
Pumpernickel paused to think this time. “I accept your apology, My Princess, even though I believe the slight upon the Night Guard and myself was...unimportant. Very small. The guards pull such pranks among their ranks all the time.” Unspoken was the thought that the youngest and lowest rank would of course be subject to the manticore's share of such pranks.
“Well, not exactly that kind of thing, nopony has ever licked my ear in the wardroom. Generally they stick with the tried and true favorites, itching powder, whoopie cushions, rubber spears, mattas. It’s all in good fun.” He rubbed the lump on his head and grimaced. “Although I’d pay cash bits to see you do that ear-thing to Sergeant Ixnay.” The faint chuckle from inside the damp indigo lump on the bed indicated a successful strike.
“But you should choose your targets carefully if you consider trying it again, I don’t think some of the older Night Guards would...survive that. Half of them are out this morning with wing splints from last night’s .... well, they’re getting old. I-I don’t think any of them would have gone along with my hare-brained idea last night if they had not seen how badly you were feeling, and how desperate we all were to find something, anything to make you feel better.”
He hung his head and stared at the door. “I’m such a jerk. Are you still angry at me?”
“Yes. No. Not if you have my towel laundered and returned.” She sniffed, and hiccupped again. “Otherwise we will be most vexed.” She hiccupped again and sniffed. “Although your intentions of last night were pure at heart, the aftereffects were most....unpleasant. I am quite aware of such hubris.” There was a long unspoken pause where it seemed as if the ghost of Nightmare Moon hovered over the room. Pumpernickel shuddered and tried to look even smaller.
“Is this what...No, I should go. May I be excused?” One indigo hoof extended from the bed and pointed.
“There. Now. Sit.” A turquoise-blue eye opened as Pumpernickel walked slowly to the appointed spot beside the Royal Bed and sat down. “Speak. Tell us of what foolishness you were going to say. We order it.”
The nervous Night Guard swallowed. “If this is what has been bothering you about your sister...This cannot be all of it. Was it something Princess Celestia said to you? Something one of the guards said? Something I said?” Luna shook her head at each question. “Something somepony else said? There was a hesitation in her headshake that Pumpernickel pounced on. “A servant? Another guard? A supplicant?”
“A voice,” she whispered. “A terrible, awful voice in my dreams.” Luna bolted up out of her blanket nest with alarm. “Thou shalt not tell!”
“Thy Guard is ever loyal to you,” said Pumpernickel carefully. “We shall hold your words in the strictest of confidence. Tell me of the...voice. Is it Nightmare Moon?”
The Princess shook her head so hard her mane flew about, and began to talk about the voice, how it had begun to sound in her sleep a few weeks ago and the long-buried fears and frustrations it brought up. By the time she had gotten to the present, it seemed as if the tension that had held her for so long was leaking out with every word she spoke. Her voice got quieter and quieter as she spoke of the sleepless nights, and horrors so long ago. As her voice waned, the guard found himself getting closer and closer to hear until all he could hear was a faint snore.
He sat back with an unvocalized sigh. The Princess was so angry at her sister for things that he just could not understand. To be so enraged at her sister for Celestia’s kind and loving nature just seemed like kicking a puppy. Then again, he had grown up almost literally in the shadow of Princess Celestia. The legendary and fearsome Princess of the Sun in the Traditions never seemed to match the quiet and compassionate Princess of Canterlot, who raised the Sun each day and the Moon each night, and brought peace, justice and prosperity to everypony in Equestria. In the evening after the Traditional stories were over and all the foals had gone to sleep, the adults gathered quietly and whispered their own stories from personal experiences: How before Luna’s return, every night Princess Celestia raised the Moon in private, so nopony could see the pain she felt, how even now the night sky still seemed so bland and commonplace compared to the glorious beauty Luna had bestowed upon it, and how when Luna had finally returned, Celestia had instantly accepted her long-lost sister with such love and affection that nopony doubted the depths of her sincerity. Except one. No, that was not quite true. She knew Celestia was honest with her acceptance and love, but it seemed to make Luna feel imperfect and dirty somehow.
And maybe it was just a female thing, but all the other things Princess Luna seemed to be worried about were just such trivial things: What her sister secretly thought of her, what the ponies of the city thought of her, what the surrounding countries thought of her....there was a lot of her in her thoughts. Maybe that was just the way Royalty worked. Then again, Princess Celestia seemed to worry more about everypony else than herself. Perhaps it was the sun-and-moon “thing” that he and many others were still trying to get a hoof on. The Night Pegasus Tradition said very little about the two sisters being so close but instead seemed to focus on the relative goddess-hood and conflict between them. Mentally reviewing the stories of his foalhood most definitely gave a split-personality view between Reality and Legend, and the two views clashed most fiercely when the Princess in both views was at hoofs-length from him. He looked down and suddenly realized that was more accurately ‘less than hoofs-length, in fact direct contact’ because the sleeping Princess Luna had somehow wrapped her hooves around his like he was some sort of fuzzy bedtime cuddle-creature.
Pumpernickel eyed the door. Then he eyed the Princess’s hoof wrapped around his. Then he thought about her very sensitive hearing. Then he thought about what Celestia would do to him if he screwed up the first time Luna had slept soundly in days. Then he wished he hadn’t thought of that because of the distance between him and the bathroom. He settled down on the floor of the bedchamber, trying not to move his hoof, trying not to think of what the rest of the Night Guard would say after spending this much time in the Princess’s room, and tried desperately with all his energy not to snore too.
* * *
“WHAT ART THOU DOING!” There was no doubt, Royal Canterlot Voice for a wakeup call was highly effective. Pumpernickel tumbled across the bedroom floor like a badminton shuttlecock in a hurricane, vanishing into the Royal Bathroom with a solid thump.
“Ow!”
“Oh stars, it’s almost moonrise! Oh no, I slept in the accoutrements! They’re wrinkled! I’ve got raspberry seeds in my teeth! What are you doing in my bathroom?”
“Bleeding? Ow!”
“Tis but a scratch. Now get out! Go get my dress and some servants. And a toothbrush. Oh never mind, I’ll borrow Celly’s.”
“Ow.”
“What are you waiting on!” The petulant princess pointed pretentiously and pouted. “Proceed promptly to procure some of those pin-headed pompous peons so that I may be primped and prepared properly with panache for my premiere party performance. Pronto!”
“Ow.”
The Princess poked her nose in the bathroom and regarded her guard with growing concern. “You aren’t bleeding on my pink towel, are you?”
“Only the floor I think. Ow. Can I sit for just a minute until Equestria quits spinning, my Princesses?” His cross-eyed gaze looked up at her with more than a little trouble focusing as if he could not determine just which Princess was the real one.
“Oh. Well. Yes of course. I’ll just take my shower while waiting....predictable,” Princess Luna said with a chuckle as the guardspony zipped out of the bathroom and around the corner. “Don’t forget the dress,” she called out as she opened the front door to allow his escape. “Otherwise I’ll have to go to the Gala dressed just like this!” She could not help but laugh again at the panicked “Eep” that he made as the clatter of his hooves faded in the distance.
Through an effort of will only found in historical ballads, within thirty minutes Pumpernickel found himself back in front of Princess Luna’s door fully equipped with the items his liege had commanded he retrieve: One freshly cleaned fuzzy pink towel (with bunnies), one toothbrush (new, not borrowed from her sister), one shimmering dress (in wrapper), one lump (bandaged), and one collection of promises from the royal servants that they would be at Luna’s room mere minutes behind him, bearing an astonishing collection of primping products he would not have been surprised to see in the castle armory.
He trotted up to the two on-duty Royal Guards only slightly out of breath and saluted. “Private Pumpernickel with proper primping products for the Princess, requesting permission to pass.”
Sergeant Ixnay looked him up and down, his long elegant horn casting a detection spell over the tired Night Guard. “You are recognized. You may pass.” Lowering his voice, he continued, “Sheesh Pumper, what kind of banging did you and the Princess do in there? Your mane is in knots and it looks like your face got the headboard pretty solid.” He tapped his horn with one hoof and whispered, “Too bad you don’t have one of these.” The two guards snickered as the sounds of palace servants coming up the stairs began to sound behind Pumpernickel.
“Yeah, Pumper. That’s gonna be your new nickname around here,” the other Guard said in a whisper. “Looks like you found your place around here. Lovercolt.” Both guards snickered as the corridor began to fill up with servants.
The door to the Royal Bedroom opened silently a few inches and the soft musical voice of Luna emerged. “Oh Sergeant Ixnay? I’m done with my shower but I don’t have my towel. Can you bring it to me please?”
With an absolutely straight face, Pumpernickel hoofed over the pink towel to Ixnay and saluted. “Good Luck, Sir,” he whispered with a wink.
The unicorn Guard gave the Night Guard a rather startled look in response before returning the salute. “Yes, Your Highness, of course. I will be right there.”
Ixnay levitated the pink fluffy towel in front of him like it was some sort of shield and vanished into the darkened Royal Bedroom, while Pumpernickel faded back into the group of palace servants with a grin. “Ladies, you may want to cover your ears. The Princess is feeling better.”
The soft and predatory voice of Princess Luna emerged from the nearly-closed bedroom door. “Your Princess has NEEDS!” There was a deafening scream, followed by the thump against the now-closed bedroom door and a scrabble of hooves looking in vain for a doorknob. But over all, the long-absent sound of joyful laughter filled the tower as if it were attempting to fill a void of many weeks.
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Two chapters left to go: An Ending and an Epilogue. I'll post them both at the same time once they're done being edited, probably before Friday.
Oh sweet Celestia, the alliteration! Beautimous! And I think a comedy tag might be appropriate, I can't stop laughing!
I'm sad to hear the ending is near, but it's been a fun story all along!
Luna seems to be happier now... That's very good indeed. I was rather nervous about the 'sad' and 'dark' tags, but it seems like nothing to bad has happened. Keep up the great work... I'm eagerly awaiting the finale.
That is all
1049408
Over? Already?
But... but...
dl.dropbox.com/u/12875849/reactions/1330201810826.png
1056128 Two more chapters, probably posted today and *then* its over.
1056848
dl.dropbox.com/u/12875849/reactions/haveiwrongedyou.jpg
You know, I'm pretty sure that Luna and Rainbow Dash will get on famously; they both have the same incredibly sick sense of humour.
"Your Princess has NEEDS!"
Oh Lord, I laughed for a minute solid.
My brain hurt from all the p's but they were incredibly well written. I've also really enjoyed Pumpernickel.
Best chapter in the story, right here.
I'm glad Luna feels better. I am dying of laughter that she is pranking the guards now. That was epic to read.
Today's preposterous prancing pony performance was brought to you by Private Pumpernickel panicky pissing on the potty, and the Royal P.
I... have no idea where this is going, but... wat?
Pfff
...well now. It seems Pumpernickel is exactly what she needs
She really likes that towel!
Shut up, Pumpernickel. Your job's not done. You are now the Royal Psychologist
Did I say psychologist? Sorry. I meant "teddy bear". Thou art now the Royal Plushie!
You bitch
Impressive alliteration, so shortly after such a rude and possibly concussive awakening, private!
Booyah. Payback!
Remarks and corrections
> Generally they stick with the tried and true favorites, itching powder, whoopie cushions, rubber spears, mattas.
needs to be a semicolon after "favorites".
5920815
I want to say a colon would be better, since the part after is a list and isn't an independent clause. But it has been over half a decade since I took high school English, so my knowledge is probably rusty.
6000124
Hmm. Not sure on the use of a colon in written prose in general, actually. As far as I know, the semicolon is more or less the prose equivalent of the colon.
Then again, I learned more about the details of the English Language here on fimfic than I have in years of school, so there's always a chance I'll learn more stuff I didn't know.
Pumpernickel is going to need hazard pay.
Not anymore, it's not
That prank had me in stitches-nice to see Luna feeling better.
You just gotta do these, don't you? I mean, I'm not complaining. I find them delightfully delectable and demandingly dastardly! Did that even make sense?
5720091
Dang it. Someone else already did it. And here I thought I was clever.