New Universe, New Problems
My first impression of Equestria wasn’t all that great. That’s probably because the first thing I did after walking through the portal was fall flat on my face.
Sunset winced sympathetically and helped me back up. I was a bit annoyed that she’d adapted so easily, though it probably shouldn’t have come as a surprise. She had been born here, after all. “Sorry. I did warn you about how tricky it is to adjust, but I guess it’s one of those things you can’t really explain. Going from biped to quadruped isn’t easy.”
“Not your fault.” I grunted as I tried to work out how to stand on twice as many legs. “Let’s just clear the portal before—”
Rainbow stepped through behind me, slamming face-first into my rump. I immediately went sprawling again, and the impact toppled Rainbow as well. “Gah! Dangit, Cloud! Get your huge pony butt out of my face!”
“You’re the one who shoved her face into my butt!” I shot right back.
“Only because you didn’t move it out of my way!” she groused, struggling to figure out how to pick herself up off the ground and walk on four limbs. Watching her stagger about awkwardly with all four legs trembling with every step might’ve been cute if she wasn’t a weird horse thing. Okay, it still probably would’ve been cute under most circumstances, but my brain hadn’t quite adjusted to the fact that my girlfriend was a pony.
A purple pegasus/unicorn combo trotted over to us—since she shared Twilight’s colors, I was pretty sure this was the famous pony princess herself. “Are you two alright? Sorry about that. I should probably put some cushioning on this side of the portal whenever I’m expecting visitors.” Her horn lit up, and she did some sort of magic thing. “Just concentrate on standing for now. We’ll work from there once you get that down. Rainbow, you’re not hurt, but something’s wrong with one of Cloud’s hooves.”
“Huh?” I picked up my right forward leg and saw that the bandage from the hospital had come off. No surprise, considering it had been made for human anatomy. “That’s going to make walking even harder than it was already going to be.”
Sunset winced and nodded. “Well that answers one question—injuries do carry over. I would’ve waited until you healed up, but...”
I sighed. “Yeah, I might accidently blow up the hospital or something while I’m healing.” I don’t think either of us thought that scenario particularly likely, but we both agreed it was better to play it safe.
Princess Twilight frowned uncertainly. “I guess we better get a bandage for that. Normally I’d go get the nurse or something, but then I’d have to explain why she’s treating a younger-looking Cloud Kicker, and our version of her won’t know anything about this.” She grimaced. “I’ve got a pretty well-stocked first aid kit, so I’m sure we’ve got enough supplies to take care of you.”
“I can probably manage as long as there’s some padding.” I’d survived having an injured foot after we fought that bug-monster in the sewers, and now I had two extra feet.
“Or you could just not walk at all.” Rainbow shakily poked my side, and it felt ... weird.
I craned my neck around, which added another layer of strange considering I had a long horse neck. However, that was nothing compared to what was waiting when I got a look at my sides, and the pair a bright purple feathery wings I’d picked up.
Sunset grinned and nodded. “Looks like I was right about Cloud being a pegasus too.”
Rainbow blinked and looked at her sides. “Oh yeah, I’ve got ‘em too! Awesome!” She tried to spread them out and take off, but they flapped weakly and out of sync. “Gah, dangit! I never had any trouble using my wings when I ponied up! Why can’t I wings now?!”
Sunset frowned and tapped her chin. “I think it’s because those wings were purely magical while these are biological. Most magically granted wings include engrams in the spell matrix that allow you to fly without needing years of training first.”
I’d expected Rainbow to get glassy eyed at the technical talk, but instead she nodded along. “So when my wings are magic I get all the muscle memory of how to use ‘em, right?”
Sunset blinked in shock. “That’s—that’s right. How did you...?”
Rainbow smirked. “My parents always said video games would rot my brain. Shows them.”
Sunset sighed and shook her head. “It still seems weird that Rainbow’s probably one of the most knowledgeable members of our group when it comes to magic thanks to movies, video games, and comic books.”
Princess Twilight paused in the middle of bandaging my hoof, and her face did a weird sort of twitch I recognized all too well from her human counterpart. “But—that ... comic books aren’t valid study material! They’re poorly researched, don’t cite any of their sources, and frequently change or ignore the fundamental rules of magic just to further their own plots!”
Rainbow shrugged away the criticism. “You heard Sunset. Even if I don’t use egghead-approved sources I still know stuff.”
“We do get a lot of misinformation mixed in with the good stuff,” I pointed out.
Rainbow tossed her head. “But not all of it’s wrong. The point is, I’m awesome and I know stuff.” She did her best to strike a pose, but her quadruped anatomy worked against her. She tumbled to the ground, and one of her wings snapped open and smacked me in the face.
“Gah!” I tried to get the mass of feathers out of my face, but it was pretty hard to do while Twilight was still bandaging up one of my hooves. “Put those things away, Dash!”
“I don’t know how!” Rainbow grumbled.
Twilight chuckled and spread her own wings. “It takes a while to get use to them. Just try to relax and clear your mind. The more you think about your wings, the more of a problem they’re going to be.” She grinned sheepishly, and confessed. “I had a really hard time with that.”
“You had trouble not overthinking something?” I asked, smirking. “Imagine that.”
Twilight shot me a flat look as she finished bandaging my hoof. “You sure you want to provoke the mare who might decide your wound would heal better with some iodine?”
I knew when to pick my battles. “I’ll be good.”
Twilight smiled and secured the dressing with a little tape. “Okay, that should get you taken care of. Try walking on it and let me know how you feel.”
I took a few tentative steps to try it out. It still twinged a bit, but I’d dealt with worse. “I’ll manage. You okay Dash?”
“Yeah, I think so.” She tried a few more steps. “I feel like my back is about to start hurting and I want to straighten up, but it isn’t actually hurting and when I tried to walk on just two hooves it felt even more weird. Does that make any sense?”
“I think so.” I tried a couple more steps. “It’s tricky at first, but the more I try to walk the easier it gets. I guess it’s like Twilight said, it gets easier the less you think about it.”
Both the natural-born ponies nodded. “If it’s any consolation, it’s just as weird for us on your side of the portal.” Sunset chuckled and shook her head. “You do not want to know how many weird looks I got the first time I tried signing something with my mouth.”
That mental image was almost enough to crack me up. Almost. It probably would’ve done the job if I wasn’t so preoccupied with my new body. “Okay, I think I’ve got the legs down. Now there’s just...”
Thinking about my wings made them pop open. Twilight ducked one, but the other smacked Rainbow right in her big pony butt. Rainbow yelped and jumped at the slap. “Gyah! Dammit, Cloud! Watch the wings!”
“Sorry!” I groaned. A second later I remembered something rather important. “You smacked me with your wings first, Dash. Really, if anything it’s payback.”
“Yeah but...” Her cheeks lit up as she glared at me. “I didn’t smack you there!”
I rolled my eyes. “You ran head-first into my butt when you came out the portal. That’s way more gross and perverted than what I did with my wing. Not to mention you do that kind of thing on purpose back home.”
“That’s different,” Rainbow growled. “I don’t do it where everyone can see, and we’re not weird pony things that...” She slowly trailed off, her eyes widening and her jaw dropping in horror. “Oh my gosh, we aren’t wearing clothes!”
I yelped in horror as the truth dawned on me, then fell flat on my face as I tried to cover myself. A second later, I realized what I was trying to do didn’t even work, since there was nothing on my chest to even cover anymore and my forelegs couldn’t really reach the other parts.
“I did warn you about that...” Sunset murmured, nodding to Twilight. “You got that note about having clothes ready for them, right?”
Twilight’s horn lit up, and a dressing rack slid into the room. “I wasn’t sure about sizes or styles, so I got a bit of everything. I know what my world’s Cloud and Rainbow like, but fashion’s very different on the other side of the portal.” She cleared her throat. “If you need any help getting dressed Sunset and I could use our magic, or I could let you two take care of that in private. Whatever you’re more comfortable with. Though don’t worry, not wearing clothes is perfectly natural in Equestria.”
“Are you kidding?!” Rainbow whined, trying to cover herself with as much success as I was. “We’re naked!”
“You’re also ponies,” Sunset pointed out calmly. “That makes a pretty big difference. Nudity isn’t quite so ... naked over here.” She levitated over a couple dresses for us.
I pulled mine on as fast as possible, but Rainbow frowned at her. “A dress? Really? Don’t you have any pants?”
“Pants never really caught on in Equestria,” Sunset shrugged. “They don’t exactly make sense for pony anatomy.”
Twilight pulled out a couple lighter dresses. “I made sure we had a few outfits that wouldn’t be too restrictive. Interdimensional and trans-species issues aside, I don’t think there’s any version of Rainbow Dash who wants clothing that would stop her from running and flying all over the place.”
Rainbow looked it over, then reluctantly pulled it on. “I guess it’s alright.”
“Great.” Twilight smiled at both of us. “Your dresses look very nice. Anyway...” Her horn lit up, and two massive scrolls floated into the air. “I’ve put everything you need to know about adapting to Equestria in these handy-dandy scrolls for you to read.”
“Really?” Rainbow tried to pick one up, but couldn’t manage much more than awkwardly poking it with a hoof. “Scrolls? It’s like I’m in the dark ages.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sunset told us this place has more magic than technology. It’s not like we could pull out our phones and look everything up on the internet.”
“Right ... the internet.” Twilight pulled out a chalkboard. “I suppose that’s something I should really find a way to recreate with Equestrian magic. Anyway! I thought that I could let you read over the rest of the material on your own time and just give you a quick lecture on the most important things you’ll need to know while you’re here. We should be able to cover most of the basics in a couple hours, though I’d love to answer some questions and have a few discussions. I’m sure there are so many topics we could cover if we made it an open forum.”
Rainbow groaned. “Seriously? I came all the way to magical pony land, and now I have to sit in front of a blackboard and listen to a lecture? And you gave us extra stuff to read for homework. What’s next, is there gonna be a test?”
Twilight bit her lower lip. “Well, I did prepare an end-of-lecture evaluation to see how well you retained the material, but it’s a strictly non-judgmental analysis. Really, I’m going to be grading my own teaching style as much as your performance.”
“I was being sarcastic,” Rainbow groaned under her breath, too quietly for Twilight to hear. She turned to Sunset, her look pleading for help.
Sunset shrugged. “I’m sure Twilight has plenty of useful information, and I’ll need a bit to look all the equipment over and get everything ready to run the tests on Cloud. You might as well let her give you an orientation seminar while I do that.”
Twilight’s smile widened, while Rainbow groaned and sank onto her haunches. Twilight’s horn lit up, and two desks floated into the room and settled down in front of us. Rainbow promptly slammed her head down on the desk, while I at least made a token effort to look like a good student. I might not be as wild about getting a classroom lesson, but if I was going to spend a couple days here it only made sense to find out what I was dealing with.
Sunset shrugged and smiled a bit sheepishly. “Might as well let her get started.” She started to head for the door, then paused and looked back at the princess. “By the way, you did make sure that this place’s Rainbow and Cloud Kicker won’t show up, right?”
Twilight nodded at once. “Of course. I’d rather not have any complications. Rainbow or Cloud would probably assume an evil changeling took her place if they saw another version of themselves running around. I’ve got Starlight keeping both of them busy.”
That got my attention, and I felt my weird pony ears perk up. “Wait, you know a pony version of me? Is she some sort of badass army pony?”
Rainbow grinned, shaking the off the lethargic doldrums she’d begun settling into at the prospect of a lecture. “Oh yeah! What about pony me? I bet she’s some sort of totally awesome flying sports star or something!”
Twilight hesitated and bit her lip, looking to Sunset. The ex-pony turned pony again chuckled and shook her head. “Just focus on what we're here for, you two. We’ve got a lot of research to do, and not much time to work with before your parents want you back. If you spend all day seeing the sights and meeting the pony versions of yourselves and everyone you know...”
I sighed and reluctantly nodded. I guess in all the excitement of arriving in ponyland I’d lost sight of why we’d come in the first place. I wasn’t here to play tourist, I was getting help with my magic before it went crazy and hurt someone again.
Rainbow didn’t take the news as well, grumpily folding her forelegs over her chest. Thankfully, since we were both sitting down I was able to reach over and gave her a quick pat on the shoulder with my uninjured hoof. “Maybe we’ll have time for that after all the tests get wrapped up.”
“Maybe.” She frowned for a minute, then shook her head. “But don’t try to rush through all of that just so we can hang out with the pony versions of ourselves. I’ll kick your butt if you screw up all the magic stuff and get hurt .”
Twilight smiled at both of us. “Don’t worry Rainbow, we won’t let her.” She turned to Sunset, her smile growing. “The good news is that I got most of the equipment you asked about. The only thing I missed was the anima/anti-anima differential analyzer. The closest one is in Canterlot, and I couldn’t get it here on such short notice.”
Sunset shrugged. “I figured getting my hands on one of those was a long shot anyway. If we really need one we’ll just have to make a second trip. I don’t think anyone here would hate that too much. Maybe we could even take a trip to Canterlot.” She hesitated a moment, her eyes dropping down to the floor.. “Actually, there’s ... I should probably go see a couple ponies there.”
Everything got awkward and uncomfortably silent. I guess I should’ve guessed Sunset had some unfinished business here. Even if she’d left ponyland a long time ago, she had grown up here. She’d probably left friends and family behind. Come to think of it, now that there was a stable portal between here and Equestria, it was kind of surprising Sunset hadn’t done more with it. After all those years away, you’d think she would be feeling pretty nostalgic for her old home.
I cleared my throat and did my best to break the silence. “Right. What do I need to do?”
“Not much for now,” Sunset assured me. “I’m sure Twilight’s already thoroughly checked all the equipment.”
“Triple-checked,” Twilight confirmed, grinning and pulling out the checklist to prove it.
“Right.” Sunset cleared her throat. “Anyway, I should still look it all over too, if only to make sure I still know what I’m doing. That’ll give Twilight plenty of time to go over her basics of Equestria lessons.”
“Sounds good to me!” Twilight’s bright, joyful smile made an almost perfect contrast to Rainbow’s pained groan, though she did at least try to keep a polite smile on her face. Too bad I knew her well enough to spot how her eyes were desperately searching for an exit.
Twilight launched into a full-blown lecture, jotting down pointers and important facts on her chalkboard as she worked. I did my best to follow along, but my first effort taking notes ended badly. Quills and inkpots were ridiculously hard to use for a species with hands and opposable thumbs, let alone one that had to rely on hooves or their mouths to write.
Rainbow tried to stay engaged, but it wasn’t long before her eyes began drifting shut and she started yawning. By the fifteen minute mark, her head was resting on my shoulder pretending she was just being affectionate instead of napping. It was a pity the lessons we were getting were probably too important to miss, or I would’ve taken the opportunity to mess with her a bit. Or just kiss her, but that would’ve been extra-weird while we both had pony faces and pony mouths. I mean, she was still my Rainbow and everything, but ... yeah, weird.
I did my best to follow along as Twilight continued. “... and those were the three most important consequences of section 20 paragraph 437 clause 22 or Sunbeam’s Act of Consolidation. Well, I think that covers the most basic things you’ll need to know about Equestria. Did either of you have any questions, or anything you wanted to discuss in greater detail?” Her smile was huge and hopeful, all but begging for a follow-up.
The only answer she got was Rainbow snoring faintly, her head nuzzling into the crook of my shoulder. At some point during her nap she’d snuggled up with me, which I probably should’ve complained about considering it had utterly ruined my ability to take notes. But ... well, notes weren’t going to happen anyway, and it was cute.
A flicker of annoyance shot across Twilight’s face when she saw Rainbow fast asleep, but it didn’t last. Soon she was smiling at both of us. “I should be mad at her for falling asleep, but I’m used to my Rainbow doing that and ... that is pretty cute. Sunset said you two were fillyfriends, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so ... adorable.”
I smiled and rubbed Rainbow’s back, earning a sleep murmur as she tightened her hold on me. “She is pretty cute when she sleeps.”
Then Rainbow farted. Not a cute little fart, a huge one. And it stank.
“Most of the time,” I amended. I noticed that my shoulder had a damp spot where she’d been drooling in her sleep, and decided I’d had enough of her. I shifted away, and she nearly fell flat on her face before she woke up.
Rainbow blinked and hastily blurted out, “Constantinople, 751!”
“What?” Twilight asked.
Rainbow blinked a couple times, looking back and forth between us as her brain rebooted. “Oh. That wasn’t the right answer, was it?”
“Nope.” I grinned and poked her. “Though I think that was the right answer to the question Ms. Harshwhinny used to wake you up from your last nap in History class.”
“So it was the right answer,” Rainbow shot back gamely. “You just asked the wrong question.”
“Riiight.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I was just saying you two make a really cute couple, even if it is a bit odd seeing you as fillyfriends.”
Rainbow frowned and cocked her head to the side. “Um, we’re girlfriends. ‘Fillyfriends’ just sounds weird.”
Twilight sighed patiently and tapped her blackboard. “Remember talking point 17, where we covered the equinization of speech?
Rainbow groaned and slammed her head on the long-suffering desk. “How could I forget? More puns than Sparkler in full brat mode.”
Twilight shrugged. “Trust me, you humans talk just as weirdly to us. In any case, you’re pretty cute together. I mean, you two do look a bit younger than our Rainbow and Cloud, not to mention...” She coughed and shook her head. “Anyway, I’m really glad you came here to support your filly—girlfriend while she’s going through all this. So, let’s move on to what exactly we’ll be doing to help Cloud with her issues...”
The next couple hours passed with dreadfully slow monotony. I’m not sure what exactly I’d been expecting, but it was certainly something more dramatic than what we got. Really, it reminded me a lot of the trip I’d taken to the hospital, except that with magic instead of medicine. Every couple minutes Twilight or Sunset would cast a couple spells, then they’d quietly talk about whatever results they’d gotten out of it.
Sunset had half a dozen scrolls hovering around herself and three different quills jotting down notes. For a brief moment, I wished my pony version was a unicorn instead of a pegasus. That way I could do magic and cast spells instead of having a set of wings I could barely even control and would never be able to fly with. A second later, I realized the obvious flaw in that reasoning: learning to cast spells probably involved years of training and education too. Hell, Sunset said she had a degree in magic.
At least magical school would be a lot more interesting than normal school. Or at least, you’d think so. It probably wasn’t. Homework was still homework, and cranking out a standard five-paragraph essay is just as boring if it’s on classic literature, historical battles, or how to cast a fireball spell. After all, school could already make epic wars and battles mind-numbingly boring. It could probably do the same for magic.
Rainbow had stayed by my side through the whole thing, though she’d been enjoying the whole process about as much as I had. As Sunset and Twilight went over their notes some more, she groaned and lay her head next to me on the exam table. “This is so booooring.”
I was in complete agreement with her, but tried to keep up a brave face. “I’m sure they’re almost done.” I tried to give her a pat on hand—hoof—whatever, but my own hooves made that pretty hard to manage.
“Do they even need you here for this?” Rainbow groused. “Can’t we take a walk or something while they go over everything?”
I sighed and shrugged. “Pretty sure they’ll still need me here for whatever spell they’ll do next. We just have to be patient.”
Rainbow scowled and shook her head. “But the last one was like, half an hour ago!”
I was pretty sure she was exaggerating a little, but there wasn’t a clock in the room so I couldn’t call her on it. Instead, I did my best to reassure her. “If it’s been that long, then maybe they’re almost done.”
“Or maybe they’re just figuring out which spells to cast for the next four hours,” Rainbow grumbled under her breath.
A blind person could tell Rainbow was bored out of her mind, and was only here because she felt obligated. I wasn’t going to make her stay around when she was miserable. “You can head back if you want. I’m sure Sunset and Twilight can keep an eye on me.”
Rainbow scoffed and shook her head. “I’m not leaving you here all by yourself, you butthead. We’re in this together.” She grimaced, shifting uncomfortably on her pony butt. “I just wish we could do something. We’re in another dimension for crying out loud! I expected things to be a little bit weird, a little bit wild! Instead it’s just lame and boring.”
I sighed, slumping down on the table. “Ponyland is a lot more normal than I expected.”
Rainbow groaned and nodded, resting her head next to me on the table. By the time Sunset and Twilight were done going over their results she’d already drifted off into napland again, snoring softly and mumbling in her sleep.
Twilight trotted over to both of us, humming under her breath as she looked over a scroll. “So I think we’ve gotten some very promising results from that last round of tests. We’re not quite there yet, but we’ve at least ruled a few things out. What’s next?”
“Perhaps we could try an anima flow scan?” Sunset suggested before lowering her scroll enough to actually get a look at myself and Rainbow. She frowned, then shifted course. “Or maybe we should take a break?”
Twilight blinked, then nodded. “Um, maybe it’s about time for lunch? Spike and my guards get a bit fidgety if I start skipping meals, even if I’ve been getting all sorts of good results from my studying and I have a lot of momentum going.”
That got my attention, and my ears perked up “A food break sounds good.” I glanced down to Rainbow, who was still fast asleep. I briefly considered doing something cute and romantic to wake her up, but I was just too tired and bored after hours of magical examined. I poked her in the side. “Wake up, lazypants.”
Rainbow let out a startled snort and shot bolt upright. “I wasn’t sleeping! Just concentrating really hard!”
Twilight snickered. “Good thing she isn’t in class this time. Right, Sunset?”
Sunset grinned and rolled her eyes. “Judging by what happened two weeks ago in math class, Cloud would try to feed her the right answers if she was.”
That would’ve worked if I’d been a bit better at getting my whisper volume exactly right. However, I knew she didn’t want to be reminded of that, so I focused on what was really important. “Food time.”
“Finally!” Rainbow got up and stretched out with a groan, almost falling over when her half-awake brain tried to walk like a human. “So how’d it go? Do you guys know what you’re gonna do to help Cloud out?”
“We’ve got a few ideas,” Twilight answered with a smile. “It’ll be a while before we know which one to go with. We have a lot of data to sift through.”
Rainbow groaned and buried her face in her hooves. “Seriously? That’s the same thing Sunset said before we even started any of this. When’re you two gonna go from looking at data and considering your options to actually helping Cloud?”
I put a hoof on her shoulder and tried to keep my voice gentle even as I chided her. “Be nice, Rainbow. They’re going to a lot of trouble to help me, and you can’t rush this kind of thing. I’d rather have them take the time to get it right. If they rush something out and get it wrong, it could just make things even worse.”
Rainbow scowled and reluctantly nodded. “I guess, yeah. It’s just...” She took a deep breath, then rubbed her one of eyes. “I just want you to be okay, you dummy.”
“I know.” After a couple failed attempts, I managed to pull off a passable hug.
Sunset gave us our moment, then cleared her throat. “Sorry it’s taking so long. Like Cloud said, we have to be thorough. I’ll try to work in a few more breaks so you don’t get too stir-crazy.”
Twilight smiled sheepishly. “I guess sometimes I forget that not everypony—er, everyone likes science and magic as much as I do. Anyway, I’ll sent Spike a message to make something real quick for us, and we can go over what we’ve learned so far while we eat.”
“Spike?” I frowned at her. “Your dog can cook?”
“Actually, he’s a dragon over here,” she explained.
“He went from being a dragon to a dog?” Rainbow chuckle-snorted. “Talk about a downgrade.”
“He’s only a baby dragon.” Twilight turned to Rainbow with a grin. “If you were hoping he was a giant awesome one, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.”
“I don’t care what size he is as long as he’s a good cook.” Sunset grinned at us. “It’s been such a long time since I had proper Equestrian cooking...”
All this talk about food brought a natural question to mind. “So what do ponies eat anyway?”
“Just don’t tell me it’s just gonna be uncooked grass,” Rainbow teased.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “We don’t live in the dark ages anymore. As for what we have, how about I show you?” She opened up a huge crystal door, revealing a very nice dining room. Just as she’d promised, a baby dragon was busy setting up food. I was quite surprised to see how familiar the meal looked.
Rainbow’s weird pony ears perked up. “Is that a burger and fries? Cool!” She quickly trotted up to it, only to pause and frown down at her meal. “Wait. This burger looks weird.”
Twilight smiled at her. “That’s a hayburger. It’s ... a bit different than what you’re used to.”
“A hayburger?” Rainbow frowned at her alleged food, giving it a skeptical poke.
I shared her doubts, taking a seat next to her. “If my cousin were here, she’d say something like ‘This isn’t food, this is what my food eats.’”
Sunset shrugged. “Meat’s not really on the menu in Equestria.”
Twilight nodded along. “We’re vegetarians. There are a couple ponies who try meat, but that’s really not something we have any dietary need for.” She paused, frowning down thoughtfully at her food. “Though I suppose I hadn’t considered all the dietary differences between our species. I can’t imagine it would cause too many issues when I never had any problems with human food, but there’s no accounting for taste.”
Sunset shrugged and nodded. “I’ll admit, it took me a few months to get used to having meat as a regular part of my diet. As far as I’ve been able to tell, I’m pretty much biologically identical to a real human. I imagine the same applies in reverse, so pony food should be fine.”
“I suppose.” Rainbow poked at her burger again. “As in, this might be technically edible for us. Eating it probably won’t kill us or give us food poisoning. As far as taste goes...”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Maybe you should actually try it first? Who knows, you might actually like it.” She took a demonstrative bite out of her own hay burger. After chewing for a second or two she slowed, frowning down at it.
Rainbow smirked, plainly feeling vindicated. “There we have it. Our food is better. We seriously need to hook you ponies up with some of the good stuff.”
I sighed and shook my head. “Rainbow...”
“What?”
I frowned at her and crossed by forelegs over my chest. “You know exactly what.” I caught a look at myself in the reflection of Twilight’s crystal walls, and for a single horrible moment I could’ve sworn I was giving Rainbow almost exactly the same glare Mom used on me whenever she wasn’t happy with me. I immediately cut it out.
Rainbow flinched and made a sound halfway between a sigh and a grumble. “I wasn’t trying to ... I was just ... never mind. Could I just get a hot dog or something?”
Sunset sighed and shook her head. “Hot dogs are still meat. In Equestria, we usually have carrot dogs instead.”
I’d been trying to go with the flow and be a good guest, but I still had my limits. “Carrot dogs? You can’t be serious?”
“How does that even work?” Rainbow followed up. “I mean, carrots are totally different. Plus you guys would miss out on putting chili on them. That’s not a replacement for a hot dog, it’s just a vegetable with roughly the same shape stuck in a bun!”
Sunset shrugged. “For what it’s worth, when I first moved to your dimension I wondered why you put some weird tube of meat in the bun instead of a perfectly good carrot.”
“Because it’s awesome!” Rainbow answered quite reasonably. “Carrots ... what does cooking them even do? It makes ‘em soft and mushy, but they still taste like carrots. I just don’t get it, pony food is so weird.”
“You have heard of seasoning, right?” Twilight grumbled as several pony cookbooks floated into the room. “There are actually quite a few recipes for carrot dogs and hayburgers in here.”
Rainbow groaned and buried her face in her hooves. “I don’t want to know more about how you cook your pony food or whatever. I just want something to eat. Something that’s actually food. Don’t you have any beef?”
“What’s beef?” Twilight asked innocently.
I spotted Sunset’s wide eyes and frantic gestures, and then vaguely recalled cows coming up in Twilight’s hours-long lecture about Equestria. I quickly cut Rainbow off before she could say something that would cause an incident. “It’s just a type of meat we really like. Which you obviously don’t have, since you’ve already told us you’re vegetarians.”
Rainbow frowned at me for a second, but thankfully had enough sense to follow my lead. “Yeah, I guess. Look, sorry if I’m being a pain about the food. It’s just ... I’m so bored! We’ve been sitting around for hours waiting for Twilight and Sunset to figure out what’s going on, and all I can do is just ... nothing! You’re in trouble, and I can’t do anything to help.”
“Rainbow...” Normally I would’ve taken one of her hands in my own, but neither one of us had hands. “Just being here helps.”
“Not enough.” She sighed and shook her head. “I just ... can we go outside for a bit? I need to stretch my legs or something.”
Sunset frowned thoughtfully. “I know there’s not a lot you can do while we go over the data. It would be nice to have Cloud available if we need to do any more tests, but if you want you two can go back through the portal while Twilight and I go over the data. It might be better to go over all the data and plan out the next round of tests, and that way you two wouldn’t be stuck around waiting while we work.”
Twilight nodded. “That wouldn’t be a problem. I’m sure Sunset could go back through the portal and use her ... um her phone thing to get in touch with you once we’re done.”
“I guess...” Rainbow paused, glancing down at her wings. “Much better idea. We’ve got wings, why not try them out? Even if we can’t do anything really cool with flying, I wouldn’t mind just a bit of gliding or something.”
Twilight frowned and shook her head. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Most pegasi go through months of training before they’re ready to fly. Trust me, it’s not as easy as it looks. I don't want either of you getting hurt.”
I felt obligated to back Rainbow up, especially since I agreed with her anyway. “Don’t worry, we won’t. Rainbow and I wouldn’t do anything too crazy, and just getting an introductory course would be pretty cool.” A treacherous little voice in the back of my head warned that Rainbow might be tempted to do something reckless once she got the hang of the basics, but I was pretty sure I could rein in those impulses.
Twilight didn’t budge. “Sorry, but I think I’m going to have to veto that idea for now. You both came here to make sure Cloud doesn’t hurt herself with her magic again. Letting you two crash into something while trying to do a flight lesson is the exact opposite of that. You’re my guests, so I’m responsible for your safety while you’re both here. Besides, I’m not the best choice for a flight instructor.”
Rainbow scowled and crossed her forelegs over her chest, pouting. “Oh whatever. Fine, we’ll just sit here and do nothing then.”
I tried to play peacemaker before things got even worse. “If flying is out, maybe you could show us around town?”
Rainbow stopped pouting, her weird pony ears perking up. “Yeah, that could work. What’s the point of going to another dimension if we never get to see any of it?”
Sunset frowned and turned to Twilight. “You said their pony versions were around, right? That could really complicate things. I don’t suppose there’s any way you could, I don’t know, send them off on a royal mission somewhere else?”
She sighed and reluctantly nodded. “It’d be tricky to set something up on such short notice. Not to mention that since they both live here, most of the ponies in town would recognize them. What if one of our friends comes up to talk to Rainbow? Or one of Cloud’s ... erm...”
Rainbow shrugged her concerns away. “What’s the worst that could happen? It gets a little awkward for a bit until we explain what’s going on?”
Twilight refused to budge an inch. “I’d rather not start rumors of doppelgangers or changelings running around town. Even if Thorax has gotten most of them settled down compared to how they used to be, a lot of ponies still remember the bad times. The last thing I want to do is start a panic. Some of the ponies here can be a bit ... excitable.”
“Right.” I was starting to get just as grumpy as Rainbow by this point. “So what can we do other than just sit around and wait? You’ve practically got us locked up in here.”
Twilight smiled apologetically. “Sorry, but there’s really not a lot we can do as far as going out. Even if I could explain it to everypony, I really don’t want to advertise the fact that I have a dimensional portal in my castle. Who knows what kind of problems that could cause?”
Rainbow tapped her chin thoughtfully. “So we’re like a black-ops secret?”
“Looks like it,” I agreed.
Rainbow grinned. “Cool. Still kinda boring though.”
Twilight smiled eagerly. “Well, I do have a pretty big library...”
Rainbow whimpered.
Sunset swooped in to the rescue. “Maybe there’s one thing we can show them that wouldn’t involve leaving the castle. It’s been a long time since I could really use my horn, and I’d love the chance to show off a bit.”
“So we get a magic show, except with real magic?” I needed maybe half a second to decide on that. “Way better than anything Trixie ever did.”
Rainbow seemed to agree. “Oooh! Can you throw fireballs around, or stop time, or teleport all over the place? Or make multiple copies of yourself? What about changing the weather?”
“Yes, no, yes, no, and pegasi already do that.” Twilight huffed. “You didn’t pay any attention to my lesson on Equestria, did you? And before you ask any other questions, how about we show you what we can do?”
“Works for me.” Sunset grinned and conjured up a fireball, casually bouncing it between her hooves. “It’s been way too long since I could do this.”
Rainbow watched raptly, her head bobbing in sync with the fireball’s movements. “Okay, that is pretty cool.”
Twilight smirked. “Close.” She conjured up a ball of ice. “This is cool.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Really, Twilight?” She sighed patiently. “Lemme explain a few things. First, trying so hard to be cool isn’t cool. Second, ice isn’t as impressive as bouncing a fireball around because it’s ice. I can go to a freezer and do that for myself. Third ... that pun wipes away all the coolness points you were trying to go for in the first place. You’re actually less cool now then when you started. You’d have been better off standing there and not doing anything.”
Twilight answered with a grumpy glare, dispelling her ice ball. “I didn’t think the pun was that bad. Besides, ponies love puns and alliteration.”
“They are one of the building blocks of Equestrian humor,” Sunset agreed. Her smile widened as our plates levitated into the air, along with our food. Rainbow’s untouched hayburger floated over, the buns flapping like a pair of lips. “Come on Rainbow, why don’t you eat me? You’ve never had a hayburger before. Maybe you’d like it? You’re not scared of me, are you?”
Rainbow scoffed. “I’m not scared, I just think it’d taste bad. Besides, you only ate one bite out of your hayburger, so you’ve got no room to talk. Once you’ve had real food, all the weird stuff the ponies eat just won’t cut it.”
Sunset froze, and all the magically levitated objects slowly sank back down to the table. Her hayburger slowly levitated back up, and she very deliberately took a big bite out of it. She kept going, her face scrunched up as if the food was making her mad.
Rainbow had the sense to realize something was wrong. “Hey Sunset, you okay? You look like you found out someone just spat in your food.”
“Fine,” she grunted, forcing down another bite.
I nudged Rainbow in the ribs and muttered. “I think you touched a nerve.”
“Yeah,” she mumbled back. “Not quite sure why.”
I was no psychologist, but my aunt was. I liked to think I’d picked up a thing or two by osmosis. “Maybe she’s worried she’s going native?”
Rainbow frowned thoughtfully. “I guess, yeah. I mean, she’s been mostly human, hanging out with other humans and doing human things. Then she comes back here, and finds out she’s not a complete and total pony anymore.”
Twilight cleared her throat and forced a smile for Sunset. “You know you’re allowed to visit anytime you’d like, right? It’s nice having you around now and again, and I’m sure Celestia would love to catch up with you.”
Sunset grunted and nodded again. “Yeah, I know.” She scowled and worked her way through the rest of the hayburger. “Anyway, food’s done. What now?”
Twilight let her concerned look linger on Sunset for a few seconds, but opted to move on. “Maybe we could give Cloud and Rainbow some board games while we go over the data? Or they could borrow a couple books from my personal library.” Her smile became much more genuine. “I’ve actually got one of the largest private collections in Equestria. Well, assuming it still counts as private, given that I’m a princess and thus technically part of the Equestrian state. Anyway, it’s all organized under the same system the Royal Canterlot Library uses, so you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding anything.”
Rainbow sighed. “Um, no thank you. Books really aren't my thing. I mean, the Daring Do books are awesome and all, but I’ve already read those. Also, the video game was even cooler.”
“I think Rainbow just liked the Daring Do video games more than the books because they involved a whole lot more awesome battles and beating up bad guys than the books usually did.” That, and the fact that they gave video game Daring a huge rack with jiggle physics, but mentioning that probably would’ve gotten me a punch in the shoulder and grumbled complaints about what a jerk I was.
Twilight grinned. “Really, you have Daring Do in your dimension too? That’s great! We have our own Daring Do books, so you probably haven’t read them yet.”
Rainbow poked at her hayburger again. “Let me guess: the books’ve been ponified just like the food is?”
Twilight nodded. “I suppose you could technically say that. Daring Do is a pony in the books written here, after all.”
Rainbow groaned and threw up her hooves. “Of course. Everything here’s got ponies in it. Still, better than waiting around doing nothing...”
“Yeah.” Sunset frowned thoughtfully. “We’ll try to make it quick, and if you have to come back, we’ll have something better set up for you as far as food and entertainment go.”
“Right,” Twilight’s ears drooped guiltily. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to give you bad food and nothing to do. It’s just ... well, I guess I couldn’t get everything ready on such short notice, and I was prioritizing helping Cloud over being the greatest host in Equestria. This is what happens when I don’t have time to triple-check all my checklists.” She levitated over a couple Daring Do books. “If there anything I can do, just let me know.”
“Thanks.” I tried to smooth over any wounded feelings. “You’ve been doing a great job so far, considering the circumstances. It’s hard to get everything perfect the first time. At least you’ve been doing your best to make us feel welcome.”
Twilight perked back up. “Alright then. Sunset and I will do our best to wrap things up pretty quick, and I think you really will like our version of the Daring Do books. Especially since ... well, maybe I can tell you later.”
“See you in bit,” Sunset said as she headed for the door. Princess Twilight followed her out.
Rainbow waited until they were both safely away, then grinned and trotted over to one of the bookshelves. “Twilight was right. We can definitely have some fun with these.” She looked over the titles, eventually grabbing a huge tome titled Lock-Picking for Beginners. “Bingo!”
She hefted the tome over her head, then tossed it through the nearest window. “Come on Cloud! We’re free!”
I knew I should probably be trying to convince her to stay here instead of smashing one of the princesses’ windows to escape, especially when we were both being kept in the palace for our own safety, and to avoid causing confusion or panic amongst the general populace. But ... to hell with it. “Let’s go check out ponyland!”
“Heck yeah!” Rainbow hopped out the window, then helped me through it. “Careful, Kicker. Broken glass. Anyway, what should we go see first?”
I shrugged. Twilight’s comprehensive lecture on Equestria had a lot of information, but she hadn’t mentioned the local tourist attractions. “I dunno. Let’s just look around town and see what’s going on.”
Rainbow and I trotted out to get our first proper look at ponyland. It looked nice, kinda old-fashioned and medievalish, like something out of Tolkien. It was a bit weird how so many of the buildings looked like something a human would make, just with that fantasy spin. Though I guess that made sense: when it came to home-building, ponies and humans both wanted solid walls and a roof over their heads.
The ponies were a lot more interesting than the architecture. It wasn’t long before I spotted a pair of familiar-ish faces. “Huh. Is that a pony version of Lyra and Bon Bon?”
Rainbow cocked her head to the side. “I think it is. Whoa.”
We both waved to them, and grinned when they waved back. I’d always gotten along reasonably well with both of them, and I’d been vaguely tempted to suggest we do a double date or something. After all, as far as I knew they were the only other lesbian couple at CHS.
I didn’t have too much time to ponder on that before more familiar faces showed up. “Oh, and pony Raindrops. Pony Flitter and Cloudchaser. Wow, this is kinda...”
“It’s weird,” Rainbow agreed. “Like, why are there so many alternate pony versions of people we know? It’s like this is some weird parallel horse dimension.” She paused and frowned. “It also makes me wonder what ever happened to the human version of Sunset.”
As the two of us trotted through Ponyville, it was hard not to notice just how many ponies were smiling and waving as we passed by. “I guess pony-me must be popular.”
Rainbow snorted and bumped my shoulder, grinning. “What makes you think they’re all waving at you?”
I smiled back and decided to play along. “Point. You’re probably some ultra-famous superstar athlete with millions of fans or something.”
“You bet I am!” Rainbow bumped her hip against mine. “And you’re some super-soldier who goes around beating up all the crazy monsters Sunset told us about. I bet you and me are like, a power-couple or something. You know, the kind who get on magazine covers and stuff. I bet we're two of the most famous and awesome ponies around.”
Rainbow might’ve been dreaming a little too hard, but I certainly wasn’t going to stop her. The idea of my pony self being some utterly amazing badass monster slayer suited me just fine. “So where do we go first?”
Rainbow thought it over, then grinned. “Looks like there’s a bakery over there. I bet they’ve got some stuff that’s not made out of hay. And if we’re super-famous heroes, they probably won’t even ask us to pay for anything.”
We were about halfway there when a multicolored blur of light rushed towards us. “HEY!” an oddly familiar voice shouted out at us. “What are you trying to pull?!”
“Whoa!” Rainbow reared up in shock and stumbled into me. I tried to help her keep her balance, but instead of helping that just wound up dragging me down along with her. We both hit the ground with a heavy thump, getting thoroughly tangled up with each other in the process. Rainbow handled it about as gracefully as you’d expect. “Get your fat butt offa my leg, Kicker!”
“You’re in no position to talk, Rainbow,” I groused. “I can’t get your tail out of my face!”
“Can it!” the newcomer snapped. “She’s obviously not Rainbow Dash, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure you’re not Cloud Kicker. Who are you fakers? Start talking!”
“We’re not fakers!” I started to snap back, but the words died in my throat when I got a good look at the pony in front of me. Rainbow Dash. Not my Rainbow Dash, the other Rainbow Dash.
Oh.
Oops.
This was pretty much exactly what Twilight had warned us about when she said going out on the town would be a bad idea.
My Rainbow got to her hooves and glowered up at her pony counterpart. “Back off! We’re not fakes, we’re visitors!”
Pony Rainbow glared down at her. “Visitors from where?”
“Um...” I tried to remember if Twilight had mentioned any specific name the ponies used for our dimension, but none came to mind. “Humanland?
Pony Rainbow frowned and thought it over for a minute. “Oooooh, right. That weird naked-ape place Twilight has a portal to.” She looked both myself and my Rainbow over, frowning as she inspected us. “This is so weird…”
“Yeah, my Rainbow agreed, then smirked. “Wow, you look old compared to me.”
“HEY!” the pony snapped, glaring at her.
“It’s true,” I backed my girlfriend up. “Not ancient or anything, but you definitely look older.”
My Rainbow smirked at her counterpart. “Guess I’m the new and improved model.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” the pony one grumbled under her breath. “Come on you two, back to the palace. If you are who you say you are, then Twilight will confirm it. If not...” She stomped on the ground and snorted menacingly.
“Yeah, sure.” Rainbow reached down and helped me up. As I got to my hooves I gave her quick peck on the cheek as thanks.
Pony Rainbow snorted. “Looks like no matter dimension Cloud’s from, she’s still a perv with no respect for anypony’s personal space.”
My Rainbow’s head snapped up and her wings flared out, her teeth clenched in a snarl. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?! Do you want me to kick your stupid pony ass?! ‘Cause it sure as hell sounds like you do!”
“Whoa!” Pony Rainbow held up her hooves. “Sheesh, chill. It was just a joke about her kissing you. No big deal.”
“Well of course she kissed me.” My Rainbow snorted. “That’s what girlfriends do.”
“Girlfriend?” Pony Rainbow blinked and stared at both of us. “Is that ... that’s some sort of weird human talk, right? Like, she’s a girl, and also your friend. Right? ‘Cause here in Equestria that would mean you two are dating, and...”
“Uh, yeah?” My Rainbow leaned over and pointedly kissed me back. “She’s my girlfriend. What’s the big deal?”
Pony Rainbow’s jaw dropped, and then her head quickly darted back and forth. “Oh gosh ... no. This is ... no! We’ve gotta get you back to the palace right now! If Kicker ever finds out about this, I will never hear the end of it! She’ll still be teasing me when we’re both ancient grannies with white hair.” She planted her hooves on our backsides and started pushing. “Hurry! Fast! Kicker’s not here right now, but if any of her friends see you two...”
As Pony Rainbow hustled us back to the palace, I had to wonder what the big deal was. Why would she be so scared of her girlfriend finding out about us?
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This brings me immense amusement.
True. And while he's young, he can breathe fire enough to melt a huge ice cloud, has near impenetrable scales, and ones belly flopped into lava and then spat some out with no ill effects.
Gonna regret that.
Both Twilight and Sunset really screwed up there. Keeping two teenagers cooped up in a new world is a certain recipe for disaster.
Oh, human Cloud and Rainbow are going to be so disappointed. Actually, more Cloud than RD. One is indeed a national hero and Star flying athlete. The other...
Ohhh the upcoming is gonna be gooooood! A perfect set up here.
Sounds like they’re at the point where Cloud would have had her foal already.
Hehehe, this is gonna be good. The Rainbows have been doubled!
Heh.
In any case, results are inconclusive this far, and Twilight's really going to have to work on her hosting skills when it comes to human teenagers. If she thought foreign dignitaries were bad...
Plus, now there's dramatic irony thick enough to armor a tank. If pony Cloud does find these two, pony Dash may never, ever live it down... though there's also the matter of human Cloud's plans for the future. She may not react well herself if she learns what her equine counterpart did with her life.
Further proof that the correlation across the mirror is nit 1-to-1, not even for ponies.
Human teenager Rainbow is so annoying x)
Ohhhhh. This is getting GOOD! <3
I cannot WAIT until the whole "Human Cloud is not dating RD" thing comes out >=)
OO so close to having them meet Pinkie Pie at the bakery! I still believe that would be hilarious because I think human Dash would be even more surprised by pony Dash dating Pinkie than human Dash dating kicker.
Oooh... Yeah, about that, Cloud...
Prepare for ALL the awkward!
And two Rainbow Dashes. Twooooooo!
Can never have enough Rainbow.
I salute Rainbow Dash for a not-unreasonable and proportional response to seeing a younger version of herself and Kicker in the street. Seriously, RD, you did not massively over-react and do crazy things. Well done. Clearly you are the more mature of the two of yourself and that is a sentence I wasn't expecting to say this morning...
So you didn't bother letting anyone know you were bringing other dimensional counterparts of people over? Not even the native versions just to specifically avoid them getting attacked for being 'changelings?' AND ESPECIALLY GIVEN YOUR CLOUD'S HISTORY WITH CHANGELINGS!?
Geez Twilight, you're officially the world's dumbest smart pony.
Winning Kicker can help you out with that...
Assuming Star Kicker is still her personal guard in this story, shouldn't she have a little something in her freezer?
Man, Dash treats her friend Princess Twilight, who she likely hasn’t seen in a good while, like garbage here. I don’t think that she says a single positive thing to her in this... no greeting, nothing. She does however make sure that she knows that her scrolls are lame, her lecture is lame, her puns are lame, her ponifying words is lame, her magic is lame, her dimension is lame, her tests and lack of progress are lame, her food is *really* lame, her books are lame, and (since the problem with the Daring Do books on this side of the mirror is that they have ponies in them) that ponies in general are lame. Then she busts one of Twilight’s windows and brazenly does the one thing that Twilight feared would cause trouble in her town.
I get that she’s Dash, a teenager, worried about her girlfriend and chaffing at not being able to do anything (both to help and in general), but damn is she taking someone who was a dear friend who has gone through great efforts for her, her girlfriend, and her whole dimension in the past for granted while being sure to register contempt for every aspect of this Twilight’s life.
I hope that she wakes up and has reason to feel guilty about this at some point in the story. I’m eager for the main hijinks of the story to start with the revelations for our couple about their counterparts, but a bit on the side dealing with this would be welcome too.
I felt an insurmountable amount of dread as Human!Rainbow decided to break out of the castle. That dread was quickly dispelled when Pony!Rainbow discovered that Cloud and Human!Rainbow were in a relationship
Please, oh please, let Cloud Kicker find out about this so she can tease Rainbow until the end of their days.
8688287
Well... She does have an "Army" of previous sexual partners :P
Yep. That's Rainbow Dash, all right.
Yes, with the help of a subterranean lake - but the last time somepony did that, it freaked out the entire town.
You could've asked Discord to entertain them - if they can get used to his reality-bending, which is even more out there than Pinkie's.
Probably because pony Cloudkicker would want to have a giant bang!
8689852
Well Celestia was her teacher. Also stupid of her to not have spike make food that doesn't change between worlds
8687259
Is a hero just not as big as Rainbow