• Member Since 6th Jan, 2018
  • offline last seen August 1st

Crossman Legacy


T

"War, war never changes."
-Ron Pearlman

Nuclear war isn't really something you'd expect. But then again, neither is a race of sentient ponies inhabiting the Earth after said war.

My name is Nicky, and this is my story of how I came to be the last human on earth. and how I was supposed to destroy the Legacy of Man

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 5 )

Really good story so far, very emotional as well.

8667093
Hang on, before I even start... Did you seriously just compliment your own story?

Your link took me to a Skyrim song.:applejackconfused:

Alright, going to go through the first chapter of this story and point out a lot of issues I had. This is probably going to be pretty long and maybe a bit rambly sometimes but I do have some problems I'd like to share.

First off generally you should keep your chapters above 1000 words (and even that is pretty short). There are exceptions to this, especially your prologue and epilogue if you choose to include those or other similar cases. It both gives more for the reader to actually read and also encourages you to take your time writing which generally means it turns out better.

Also, as a rule of thumb, having a alternate account compliment yourself is... well it's more just a bit sad than anything. No offense.

"Hey, aren't you the one who gets to fly the new rocket-ship today?", my roommate inquired.

"Yes, and it's called the XR-71 Blackbird 2, the first FTL spacecraft of the human race." I answered, wanting to get off the topic as soon as possible. Due to the threat of nuclear annihilation in the third world war, almost every able-bodied american citizen were drafted to prepare to fight, myself included. However, I was selected to help the human race survive the potential nuclear onslaught by testing faster than light technology. The purpose for this was so at least some could survive the looming nuclear threat, that at the time, I didn't know was already being realized.

This is an abrupt way to start a story. Before you start you should probably take some time to make a setting. Describe an environment, let us in on what's going on beforehand. Jumping straight into dialogue is generally not a good way to do this and we're getting thrown into a situation we don't really understand yet. It's confusing at best and jarring at worst

"My roommate"? This person has a roommate? I don't even know what they look like and already they're in the spotlight and for all I know these two are floating through a vaguely room shaped void for how much description is going on. It's important to remember that in the writing medium the whole point revolves around painting a scene in the head of the reader, unlike a visual medium where that's relatively unimportant. You don't have to go completely nuts with descriptions but atleast give us some idea of the scene so our imagination can fill in the rest, if you must.

For 3 weeks, North Korea was being torn apart internally through rebellion. The United Korean People's rebellion was currently locked in a civil war that quickly got out of hand. Now over thirty nations, the U.S. included, were brawling all over the planet in a third world war.

Currently, there were over 23 million dead, due to the near total annihilation of the Australian continent. At first, no-one believed that such a heinous crime such as obliterating a nation was possible. But as more reports came in, and evidence grew, the truth became more and more apparent.

That act is what sparked the third wold war. June 18th, 2036, is the day that humanity realized, that some men, will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, even if it means their own destruction.

It was five months later, that I joined the IRD or the Interstellar Research Division. I made it my goal, that no matter what the outcome, humanity would survive, that the legacy of man would continue.

I'm not necessarily against some exposition if you need to set down some ground rules for the history or lore of the world you're trying to set the story in but this is awkwardly placed and doesn't flow very well with what came before it. It probably would've been better if it started out giving us an idea of what's going on in the world and then introducing us to our characters. Even if it's exposition you need to make it enjoyable to read and help it to flow with the rest of the story.

I'm not necessarily going to comment on the realism of this world war 3 scenario, because honestly that's dipping into some political opinion territory I don't want to touch, but it does seem unrealistic that the entire continent of Australia was destroyed and it took any time for anyone to notice and confirm. I'm not trying to be mean or put down what you wrote but with the amount of destruction that would cause it probably would've been noticed and confirmed without much mystery.

I used the research of Dr. Stephen Hawking as a base for the FTL drive, as well as basing some of it on, believe it or not, the Shaw-Fujikawa Slip-space drive from the Halo series. Now, being the one credited for it's creation, I was the one who was selected to test pilot it.

Now, I know what you're thinking, the person who created such a thing wouldn't be the one who tests it, but i'm a thrill seeker. So, testing out new, potentially dangerous pieces of technology is what I live for. Besides, I knew the FTL drive inside and out, so I wasn't going to let anyone else test it.

I was in the rec room watching cartoons when a news bulletin interrupted me. "Today is a sad day for all Japanese-Americans among us. As just minutes ago, the island nation of Japan erupted into nuclear fire. China claimed responsibility for this attack saying that 'Japan's refusal to end its blockade of North Korea was an act of aggression towards our glorious nation. Therefore, they had to be obliterated'", stated a blond newscaster. "The death toll has rumored to be all 127 million Japanese citizens, as well as all others visiting at the time. We will continue to keep you updated in these dark times. Thank you. We now return to the regularly sched-".

Alright, alright this is where I start having some serious issues. Now first off while Stephen Hawking was brilliant and I'm sure his ideas may be given some credit if we ever do discover FTL travel I seriously have to question the legitimacy of a slip space engine based off of Halo. Secondly the part where he insists he tests the FTL engine, weirdly, is a gripe I had with the recent Fan4stic movie. To not go too far off topic just know that in the real modern world scientists do not usually test their own inventions. Scientists who work in space travel and other fields that require expert knowledge in piloting or whatnot especially do not test their own inventions. The people who built the Apollo rocket and landed the first man on the moon weren't the ones who drove the thing.

Alright now for the part involving Japan. This is where realism sort of gets thrown out the window, into a pit, and while on fire. I don't want to go off on too long of a tangent as to why this would never happen unless things got extremely dire but there are some main points. Japan is an industrial and technological powerhouse who are leading some fields in tech and development and they also trade pretty extensively with China. China also would never do this, no nation run by sane human beings would do this. China likely knows very well that if it came down to this it would probably be better honestly to just occupy the country because if they bring nukes into this they are a massive glowing target for every nation in the world that even partially relied on Japanese development and even some that didnt. The only way this could happen is if the person running China is a total madman and no one even attempts to stop him because everyone else is equally insane. Tangent over, back to the story

One final thing before we move on, it is admittedly pretty hilarious how the newscaster casually moves onto "and now back to our regularly scheduled programming" after the total annihilation of a major, developed nation but it doesn't feel like it's intentional funny. It feels like it's unintentional funny.

All images from the television immediately were silenced as I ripped the television from the wall in a fit of rage.

"GOD DAMMIT! WHY CHINA? WHY?", I yelled, tears streaming down my face, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RETARDED!" I started unleashing my rage into the into the already broken TV. "FUCK YOU CHINA! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!".

"NICK, CALM DOWN! WHAT HAPPENED?", Ed shouted.

"CHINA FUCKING DID IT, THEY BLEW IT UP!", I responded.

"Blew what up?", Ed replied.

"JAPAN, THEY FUCKING NUKED JAPAN!", I shouted, still angry and sad at the same time.

"Holy shit! Your sister, Alita, sh- She's dead now, isn't she?", Ed replied, tears streaming down his face now as well.

"Yes, and its all China's fault!", I said, calming down, tears now pouring down my face.

This entire exchange is just completely nuts. I'm not trying to be mean but it's just very, very hamfisted and feels strongly like it's just pushing the authors political views on China. Also who is Ed? Who is Nick? I don't even know who these people are or what they look like but one of them just tore a goddamn TV off a wall. I don't really have any other comment. I do have to mention I appreciate how each line of dialogue is separated but it still manages to come across as too rapid fire and messy.

Now, out of my blind rage, blinding pain erupted from my knuckles, bloody and lacerated from destroying the TV. "Shit, I really lost my cool there.", I stated through my sobs.

"Yeah, you did,", replied Ed, now comforting me, " but it was completely justified."

The pain in my knuckles getting unbearable, I asked Ed, "Hey Ed?", my voice cracking.

"Yes?", he replied.

"Can you take me to the infirmary? I kind of destroyed my knuckles while destroying the TV.", I replied, now having calmed down and composed myself.

"Sure thing. Can't have your hands all fucked up when making those precise calculations later today." Ed stated.

The trip to the infirmary took less that an hour. After a stern talking to from the nurse, I went on my way to prepare for the life changing experiment that awaited me later today.

2 Hours Later

I was powering up the FTL drive when I was interrupted by a bright flash behind me.

"OH SHIT!" I exclaimed as I rushed to engage the FTL drive to get out of there. I almost succeeded to, had it not been for the fact that EMPs wreak havoc on wormholes and alter the time of their exit. As I entered the mini wormhole the FTL drive created, I noticed it turn form its simulated blue to a sickly red. The last thing I heard before I blacked out, was the explosion of the nuke that fulfilled a wish.

Apparently Nick is not only a genius who engineered some experimental FTL drive but also a pilot and is strong enough to tear a TV off a wall and destroy it with his bare hands. Hm. Also given that emotional response initially they calmed down way too quick. Losing a loved one and witnessing the death of millions is not something you just walk away from like that having 'calmed down'. On that same note him destroying the TV in the first place feels a bit dramatic, conversely. Most people witnessing disaster like this tend to go into shock first or otherwise become distressed but generally aren't consumed by absolute rage.

That section where he transitioned from wherever they are, presumably some sort of bunk or cabin, is just... sorta lazy. If I'm being honest. I'm really trying to not be mean here, like I said, but you could've fleshed out the trip to the infirmary and the preparations atleast a little bit more. It feels like the author either was super rushed to hurry up and move along or got lazy and couldnt be bothered with it. By the way where are we??? Presumably in America, maybe? This could be taking place in the deep jungles of South Africa in a thatch hut village for all we get told.

Ponyville, Equestria





"Why does Princess Celestia even have you do all this egghead stuff, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked, annoyed, "And why do I have to be pulled into this when I could be practicing for the Wonderbolts?"

"If you must ask, it's because archaeologists in Trottingham have discovered remains of a bipedal creature, one that predates pony civilization!" Twilight responded.

"Sugarcube, that's great n' all, but y'all still haven't answered Rainbow's Question. Ah admit, ahm a tad curious mahself.", replied Applejack, "Why do you need us here anyhow?"

"That's simple, there isn't any magical signature on the remains. This means that their civilization might not have used magic." exclaimed the purple alicorn excitedly. "Also, I was thinking we could-". The conversation between the three mares was interrupted when a portal opened at the end of the hallway.

"What in Celestia's name is that!?", Exclaimed Twilight.

"Ah- ah don't know Twilight. Do you think Rain-" The conversation was interrupted again when an object comes careening out of the portal, the portal shutting behind it. The object skids along the crystal floor until it screeches to a halt in front of the mares.

I slowly start coming to inside my craft to voices outside my cockpit I somewhat recognize.

"It doesn't look like any magic I recognize.", one of them states.

'Magic? That shit doesn't exist. Right?', I think to myself.

"Yeah, well whatever it is, i'm gonna make it wish it never came in here!", another voice exclaims.

"Now now Rainbow, It could be friendly.", a third voice,with a somewhat southern accent to it.

"Didn't your mother tell you it was rude to talk about someone while they can hear you?", I say through the XR-71's loudspeakers.

"Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle," one of the voices states,"What's your name?"

"Well, I would tell you my name, but I would like to see you first.", I reply. Twilight agrees but then realizes she has no idea where the creature's eyes are.

"I'm sorry, but where are your eyes?", she asks.

"Oh, sorry about that, let me get out of the cockpit.", I reply. What I see stuns me. standing in front of me are Twilight sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. Characters I thought were fictional. So I did what everyone does in this situation.

I fainted.

Where are we??? There's a crystal floor here but apparently they had to be sent here, implying it's somewhere far away, and it's large enough to land a presumably fairly large aircraft. Just for reference this is the size of a blackbird compared to a person, which seems to be what the ship is based off of.
historyinorbit.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/sr-71-14-768x526.jpg
Except this one is FTL capable, implying it may be even larger. Who knows, we're not told anything about it's appearance. So it crashed into a crystal floor in a large, open room in someplace that may or may not be in the crystal empire. They mention the 'remains' aren't magical. Is this a ruin? Where are we???

The shift from the ponies perspective to Nick's was a bit jarring, this entire scene also felt somewhat rushed along and rapid fire. Why are there loudspeakers on this ship? What practical application would that have if radios exist? I don't have much else to say about this section, it was relatively short and didn't have a whole lot to talk about.

I really didn't want to be rude but this story from one chapter in is just very poorly written. The author needs to work on their writing more before attempting something like this, especially when it comes to scenery and surroundings. If a story completely puts off the reader one chapter in, and the rest of the chapters continue to get smaller and shorter it really doesnt drive you to continue reading.

EDIT:

I scanned through the other chapters too and noticed that one chapter wasn't even written in English for half of it and in another the author was directly asking if someone else would like to make a 'journey spanning multiple chapters' and other specific requests essentially asking others to write the story for him. Which isn't exactly helping this story's case.

This isn't half bad, I do hope you continue.

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