Tossed salad
Getting lost in the moment was easy. The cosy dining booth in the galley was very much like one found in a diner, something that Sundance missed a great deal without realising it until just now. Conditioned air drifted up from a vent in the floor beneath the polished wooden table and almost left goosebumps on his legs. It was almost too-perfect of a moment and he found himself letting go of some of his inhibitions. Argyle was charming, kind, and absolutely in love with his daughter Liberty. Watching them interact satisfied something deep within Sundance, though being out of touch with himself, he didn't know what it was.
These ponies smelt of home; of store-bought off-the-shelf shampoo, along with the faint aroma of laundry detergent and fabric softener. No doubt, it rubbed off on them from the bed. The galley kitchen, though cramped and tiny, had electric lights, modern appliances, and had the intimacy that the communal dining hall lacked. Sundance missed these things; he ached for them like a colt that longed for his unrequited schoolyard crush.
The knife made a rhythmic thump against the wooden cutting board, a sound that was strangely calming and reassuring. It was the sort of sound that one did not realise that they missed until it was no longer present in their lives. When Cherry Turnover stirred, the enormous wooden spoon clanged against the oversized stainless steel mixing bowl. These were the sounds of domestic bliss, the sounds of family togetherness—sounds sorely missing from Sundance's life.
Not that his family spent much time together. His mother, father, and grandmother all worked. He did as well, in his old life. But every now and then, when the moon and stars aligned, when fortunate circumstances smiled upon them, and they all had the same day off, they would get together for a meal. Sometimes, they went to a diner and all piled into a booth. Other times though, rare, treasured times, they stayed at home, fixed a meal together, and gathered around his grandmother's chipped and battered formica dining table.
Those were the best times.
Times now forever gone.
Out of reach.
His grandmother Noonfire would never return from the journey upon which she had departed.
In his barely-acknowledged grief, Sundance longed for intimate togetherness.
"Cherry, dear, you are a darling for all the salad tossing that you do for us," Argyle said to the busy mare. "An absolute dear, I do declare."
Covering her mouth with her hoof, Fudge Turnover snickered. Sundance wasn't sure what was funny, or why, but he had the sense that a joke was made. Perhaps an in-joke. A thing that couples did. Only this was a trio—something which intimidated Sundance a great deal. The very thought of such an arrangement for himself filled him with anxious worry because of all the unknowns and variables that would surely present themselves. He just wasn't confident enough to expose himself to so much so completely.
"Fudgy, what makes you titter so?" asked Argyle with an arched brow.
"You know what you did, you cad."
"Beloved, I say… you wound me. Am I not the perfect gentlepony? To be called a cad by the mother of my most beloved daughter. Oh, woe is me."
"She's your only daughter," Fudge Turnover retorted.
Argyle gestured with his hoof in his daughter's direction. "For now… though I dare say she needs some good-natured competition in her life. My vanity demands that I have a household of fine females, all of whom vie for both my attention and affection."
"If only your constituents could see their patrician at home—"
"Cherry, don't be vulgar. That word is uncouth." Scowling, Argyle shook his head. "Besides, I do believe that if they were to see me at home, they would be quite busy ensuring that I would stay warm for the rest of my life… by setting me and all I have on fire. Patrician indeed… what rot."
Then, without warning, Argyle turned to Sundance and said, "This is all Twilight's fault, you know. She has me right where she wants me. A terrible place to be, if I may say so. Without a doubt, one day she will do this to you as well. While you might be better for it, you will find the entirety of your life tossed asunder… very much like the delectable salads my wife Cherry makes. Twilight Sparkle approaches politics with all of the refined grace and civility of a caffeine-addled minotaur in a teacup shop. The nerve of that mare, I say."
"Minotaur," Fudge Turnover said, almost beneath her breath. "Calfeine-addled—"
"Fudgy, do be a dear and occupy your mouth with something before you befoul us all with your paronomasiac tendencies." As Argyle spoke, his earth pony wife was overcome with a bad case of the titters. "Such indiscretion. What must Sundance think of us?"
Once more, he turned to Sundance and this time he said, "You give a mare free rein and she recompenses your liberal magnanimousness with puns. What's a stallion to do in these trying modern times?"
"I like puns," Sundance replied. "And I wish I could think of more of them."
With a soft motion, Argyle tapped his hoof upon the edge of the table, shook his head, and offered up a theatrical moue. "Oh, you are a peach. I dare say, we'll just have the best of times together, you and I."
"So what did Twilight do, exactly?" asked Sundance, who steered the conversation back to a subject that he wished to know more about.
Argyle's response was a dandy deadpan, and delivered with dry reserve: "She bent over the city of Fillydelphia's sense of democracy and gave it a good dry buggering. No butter. No spit. Not even supper and wine before the deed—"
"Argyle!" Cherry Turnover whirled about and she turned a scathing scowl upon her husband. "Not in front of Libby!"
Baffled, Sundance asked, "She did what?"
"For quite some time now, the city of Fillydelphia has been attempting to remove me from office. I became mayor by accident. By default. It was a fluke of the system. But Twilight, she is quite insistent that I remain in office. She told the city in no uncertain terms that if they remove me from my office as mayor that she would be forced to appoint me as the Regional Governor. A position that would put me in charge of the new mayor and give me absolute authority over the entirety of the region. Twilight is largely responsible for the riots."
"Oh." Sundance tried to find something more meaningful to say, but failed miserably. "Oh. I see."
"Oh, indeed."
"How does one become mayor by accident?" Driven by curiosity, Sundance demanded to know more.
"I never wanted to become mayor in the first place," Argyle replied. "My wives put me up to it. This is a complicated situation, I suppose, and I must find a fine place to begin if I am to explain all that has happened."
"Before you do that," Sundance said as politely as possible, "I must know how one becomes mayor by accident. I have to know."
"I entered into one of the most crowded mayoral races in the city's history," was Argyle's response. "Every major political party was represented. I never had plans to win… my wives wanted me to win, but I just wanted to expose myself for the sake of my career. To make a long story short… every other candidate had some dreadful scandal exposed, or some awful act, or some illegal activity. One by one, they dropped out of the race. Some were arrested. Many were arrested.
"It seemed like every day some new scandal surfaced. A great many lives were ruined. And then, one day, I am informed that I am the city's new mayor because I am the last pony standing. Everypony else was gone. I didn't win—a sore point among many and a talking point about why I should not be in office. Though there is an alternative talking point in that I am squeaky clean, without even the merest whiff of misconduct."
"Call me crazy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Twilight Sparkle or Twilight Velvet was responsible for the political assassinations—"
"Fudgy, dear… please."
"—some of the stuff that was dug up just seems impossible to know. I've heard rumours that Twilight Velvet has a detective that can find anything that he puts his mind to. Nothing can be hidden from him. No wrongdoing can be buried."
Rolling his eyes, Argyle snorted and said, "Fear-mongering and gossip."
"Says you," Fudge Turnover said to her husband with a contemptuous and stormy glare.
Though he had a lot to say, a lot that could be said, Sundance chose silence.
"We live in times of intense scrutiny," Argyle said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. "More is known. We have better journalists and better systems in place to root out corruption. We mustn't attribute to skullduggery what surely are signs that the system is working. I've spoken with Twilight Velvet extensively and she does not strike me as a mare motivated by malice. I do believe the rumours and gossip are just slanderous accusations to besmirch her fine character."
To remain silent, Sundance was forced to bite his tongue, and he did so almost to the point of drawing blood.
"Ponies say such awful things about me… untrue things. Horrible things." A soft sigh slipped out of Argyle, and his nostrils flared. "Such unkindness has left me sensitive and thoughtful about what is said about others. Vile things can be said with little to no consequences. Hateful, hurtful things. It is upsetting. Ponies believe the worst about me. I was once like them, I suppose. I too, hated the royalty and voiced all the popular shared sentiments against them.
"I was once a colt that was deeply in love with beautiful democracy. It was the most precious thing in my life. I took my civic duties so seriously. Perhaps more so than anything else in my life. I voted. I spoke out against the royals. I wanted Equestria freed from crowned tyranny."
"What happened?" asked Sundance.
"I became a politician," Argyle replied. "It was dreadful. Just awful, really. I became a politician and the first lesson that I learned was of democracy's great failing. We earth ponies… we have a special relationship with democracy. I don't expect you to understand. But it is deeply entwined with our way of life. And for me to find that it was so dreadfully rotten… I must confess, it unsettled me. Wounded me. I have not yet recovered."
Shaking his head from side to side, Sundance said, "You're right. I don't understand."
"Truth be told, I don't either." Again, Argyle sighed, and this prolonged exhale allowed all of his good cheer to escape. "All of the worst sorts of ponies win. It's a popularity contest. It's very much like parenting, I've discovered. I win my daughter's affections by giving her sweets and everything she loves. Because of this, I'm the good parent. The popular parent. She loves me. But her mother… her mother tries to do what is best for her. Feeds her wholesome foods during her most tender stage of development when she is trying new things. So it is with voting."
"I still don't understand."
"Sundance…" Argyle's words trailed off and the earth pony shook his head.
"Twilight Sparkle is a good mom," Cherry Turnover said from the galley where she continued to labour. "She is going to make us eat our greens, if we want to or not. She's being the good parent, even if it makes her the unpopular parent."
"And that's the issue," Fudge Turnover said, smoothly taking over from where her sister left off. "For politicians to get elected, they must make terrible promises. Promises that ultimately go against the interests of the ponies that they serve. They make promises to be popular, and not to make progress. They act to appease the will of the ponies, but in doing so, ultimately work against everypony's better interests. Which has led us to this… Fillydelphia's big temper tantrum."
"Oh… I think I understand."
"The city is bankrupt," Argyle said, his misery now on full display. "Worse than that… the city is in debt. Years of allowing corporations and private interests to have so much control… where do I begin? The city is literally decaying. We tax the poor… those who have the very least… while the wealthy pay almost nothing in taxes. And don't get me started on corporate taxes. And those landlords… they formed their own political party and have so many ponies just enthralled with deceptions and lies, the worst of which is that if they had to pay property taxes then rent would have to go up to compensate… so the very idea of tax reform for housing providers causes ponies to take to the streets for fear of the rent going up. It is the nightmare scenario of all of the wrong ponies getting exactly what they wanted for too long because they won the popularity contest and got the votes.
"Worst of all, Twilight has me right where she wants me."
"You could tell her no," Sundance suggested. "Just step down. Walk away."
"And ignore my civic duty?" Eyes almost blazing, Argyle's breath quickened and the insides of his ears pinkened. There was nothing left of the cheerful, jubilant dandy that Sundance had met not long ago. His eyes were full of terror, uncertainty, and smouldering anger. "I envy you, Sundance. You have this fine barony here. It's practically a blank slate ready for whatever good words you have at the ready. Me? I have to clean up the mess made by earth pony culture and tradition. Because somepony has to do it. Somepony has to be the responsible parent. I have to stare down the monster that rose up from the foundations of our culture. If I don't… who will? Who will?"
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Well. Now I will never get the image of Twilight Sparkle giving Fillydephia a good, dry buggering. Thanks a lot.
I'm feeling a bit of sympathy for Argyle.
Thankfully I am able to differentiate character opinions from author beliefs. Another good chapter and I eagerly await the next.
Don't make us wait because you are sweating over a small numbers worth of grumbling. You can't make everyone happy. Make you happy. Write the story you set out to write. This is yours, not a commission.
I mean it sounds like exposure was perhaps the end of many a career in Fillydelphia.
Somewhere, Yam Spade sneezes.
I would save the energy typing Kudz. You know the kind of people who leave those comments don't even bother finishing the chapter before posting them let alone read the author's note.
Honestly I feel like Sundance right now, I dunno what’s really going on anymore. I just put my pants and shoes on one leg and foot at a time, then I get in my car go to work and deliver packages that people order (my job security lies in the fact people are the wrong kind of lazy)and go home to unwind and rinse and repeat until my days off...granted that’s not something Sundance really has is it? Being a baron is a 24/7/365 job that will never give him the standard 9-5
All Twilight had to do was shine the light on the appropriate areas, and the rats went skittering. For her to squash.
That's a good way to clean the house.
I wonder what Yam would think, if he heard ponies talk about him like some kind of boogie man.
Authors Opinions :: Character Opinions ,’,
A) Hand :: Glove
B) Sock :: Puppet
C) Hourglass :: Intercom
That’s what I love about your writing, always makes me think, and covers a wide range of pony political problems and moral maladies.
10291264
I once buggered a bug with bug spray
Yeah, no shit they're not your real opinions. A monarchy or similar that doesn't lead to poor living conditions is utterly rediculous.
10291862
Yeah, most monarchies don't have the benefit of a collection of immortal beings literally created to be great rulers.
While flawed, the Princesses are still trying to do right and good, and their status prevents replacement by less benevolent individuals.
par·o·no·ma·sia| ˌperənōˈmāZH(ē)ə |
noun
a play on words; a pun.
ORIGIN
late 16th century: via Latin from Greek paronomasia, from para- ‘beside’ (expressing alteration) + onomasia ‘naming’ (from onomazein ‘to name’, from onoma ‘a name’).
That is a lovely word; I’ve never encountered it before. How did you happen to run across it?
10292056
See the amount of stuff I learn here.
Thank you for that.
10292056
I am a Punslinger, blessed by Eris.
Hail Eris.
Have pun, will travel.
10292099
The punslinger travels far, especially when punted from the area.
I dream of the day when our leaders give us what we need, not what we want. I doubt it will ever happen.
The big problem for a return to Monarchy is we do NOT have IMMORTAL benevolent Monarchs in which to follow and rule over us.
It's like how Communism would be great....except for the fact that humans as a whole are not ready for that level of deep caring for others. I mean even in Socialism we still see issues like Racism. So we're nowhere NEAR ready for a system of Government that would make us equal.
Much like having someone rule by blood has been shown to often times be problematic. For instance, one of the lesser noble women who bathed in the blood of the commoners for her beauty treatment. Until she started running out of commoners and went for the wealthy, and suddenly THEN everyone was screwed.
Hell all one has to do is look at the history of Chivilry was which was NEVER designed to help the Commoners. It was there to help Rich Women. Even then, there's not much evidence that it was truly followed. Unfun fact: Knights were NOT ones who went around saving damsels, instead they went around kidnapping, killing, blackmailing, and raping them.
SURE if we have Neutral Good Immortal Rulers, I'd take that over Democracy any day.
But we do NOT have Immortal Rulers.
I have now read every word of the entire Weedverse
10292099
More like The Punisher!
...I dont trust argyle...something about this...trio...I dont what it is...but my gut says stay cautious.