Lunch
Becoming a noble was hard work and Sundance was only just beginning to understand how his genealogy project had prepared him. It had been a crash course in navigating government bureaucracy, managing immense piles of paperwork that would make most mortals despair, and negotiation. Princess Celestia had written a decree acknowledging him as family, then an edict requesting that he was to be given peerage. This was followed by a dictum that had him formally recognised as the Baron of a barony, and then three recognised, established houses all published a mandate acknowledging him as a peer. This in turn was endorsed by the Lord Mayor, Prince Gosling, and then the final writ was signed by Princess Luna, because it had been Princess Celestia who had started the process, and she wasn’t allowed to finish it.
Sundance had three ponies whom believed in him, two of which he had never met. House Nicker and House Lulamoon, and Sundance hoped to thank them face to face. The third was by the most delightful pony known as Fancy Pants, whom Sundance was just beginning to get to know. Fancy Pants, of House de Culottes, had assisted Sundance every step of the way and had already offered so much advice.
The past week had been exhausting and Sundance was certain that he was fired from his medical courier job for not showing up at work. This didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would, because now he had a better job—maybe. Managing the application process was a real pain in the rear, and there were still a few final things to do before moving into his new home, which he had been told was in deplorable condition.
But none of that mattered right now.
Fancy Pants threw open the wide double doors and then stepped aside, allowing Sundance a full unobstructed view of a vast interiour. A rakish grin could be seen on the noble unicorn’s face, and a merry twinkle illuminated his eyes. Inside, an army could be seen, a frantic, frenetic mess of ponies running about, most of them quite young.
“I saw a need,” Fancy Pants began, raising his fine, cultured voice somewhat to be heard over the commotion indoors. “The nobles were needed once more. For too long we stagnated under the bureaucracy and many of the old feudalistic contracts expired. Individual fiefdoms fell into disrepair and ruin. For a time, many believed that the ancient treatise known as Equestrian Feudalism and the Covenant of the Three Tribes would pass into history as a relic of a bygone era. Now, there has been a revival… an awakening.”
Almost slack-jawed, Sundance gaped at the hubbub beyond the doors.
“The new generation of nobles… these fresh-faced, starry-eyed up-and-comers, they had no idea of what to do or how to do it. So I created this place… I financed it with my own fortune. It has everything a noble would ever need to rule. You can come here to talk with your peers, there is an extensive library of helpful literature that was graciously donated by Princess Twilight Sparkle, and you can find answers to any questions that you might have. I give you, Château Nouveau!”
Sundance allowed himself to be led inside so that the doors could be shut. Wide-eyed, overwhelmed, he had never seen anything quite like this. Earth ponies stomped about, running from place to place, pegasus ponies flitted about in the upper levels, and unicorns winked from place to place. A debate seemed to be taking place with the participants sitting in fine, comfortable chairs all gathered into a circle. Coffee and tea were whisked from place to place by harried servants.
Along the back wall, everything was dominated by one enormous feature that demanded attention.
“What is that?” Sundance asked while his head tilted off to one side.
“The leaderboard,” Fancy Pants replied. “All accomplishments are measured, recorded, and judged by elder, experienced nobles. Points are assigned to measure the state of your fiefdom. Only those who practice exceptional rule have a chance of appearing on the leaderboard, but this is what everypony strives for.”
“Who is Lady Pebble Pie?” Sundance squinted, his eyes weary from too much reading.
“The Dominator.” Fancy Pants cleared his throat and let out a polite cough. “She is competitive, that one. She’s a benevolent tyrant. Progressive, but also stern. You’ll meet her soon enough, I’m sure.”
“Why is Princess Twilight Sparkle in second place?”
“Oh, we don’t discuss that. Right then. Any other questions?”
“I’d really like to know.” Sundance hoped that his insistence wouldn’t be considered rude.
“Well, to hear Princess Twilight Sparkle tell it, Pebble’s demesne is very small and manageable, while Twilight’s demesne, Ponyville, is exceptionally large. Twilight claims that Pebble wins by percentages that Twilight can’t hope to match. It’s really very complicated, to hear Twilight talk about it. Twilight is forced to deal with issues and problems that do not exist for Pebble… that said, there are those who say that Twilight could be doing more to gain more points, given that she has more resources. Typically, this debate becomes quite heated and often turns quite unpleasant. ‘Tis better to not speak of it.”
A distracted unicorn went stumbling by with her face in a book and Sundance couldn’t help but think that she was rather cute in a bookish sort of way. He stared for a moment, for as long as he felt he could get away with it, and then returned his eyes to the leaderboard. There were lots of good reasons to come back to this place and Sundance could see himself spending some time here.
“I would imagine that a great many marriages might come from this place.”
With a snort, Sundance was snapped back to attention. “Say what?”
“Oh, nothing.” Fancy Pants’ mustache quivered as a charming smile spread over his muzzle.
Looking at the leaderboard gave Sundance aspirations, it gave him hope, and he couldn’t help but feel that turning kind, responsible governance into a competition was a good thing, so long as the right ponies benefited from it. This place, this Château Nouveau was like a petri dish in which new cultures of rule might be developed. Sundance wasn’t the brightest of ponies, but he could see how all of society might benefit.
“Come, Sundance. We must take copies of all of your papers and make a filing for the public record. Allow me to show you to where we keep records here. The filing system was invented by Princess Twilight Sparkle… it is quite intuitive and easy to manage.”
Casting one final glance at the leaderboard, Sundance allowed himself to be led along.
After what felt like years locked away in the paperwork dungeon, trying to understand Twilight’s so-called intuitive filing system, Sundance stepped out into the bright sunlight. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back and allowed the full glory of the sun to shine down upon him. He was a free creature once more, with no paperwork left in his saddlebags. Savouring his triumph, he swayed from side to side, exhausted.
Some ponies fought monsters, battled great evils, but Sundance wasn’t one of those ponies, no. Sundance wouldn’t last long in a fight, or so he believed, but he could file paperwork. He was a tireless warrior against the paper menace, the dreadful lurking enemy that threatened to consume all of society. When the beast of parchment and ink finally turned upon them all, Sundance knew that he would be one of the chosen called upon to slay it.
“We’re not done,” Fancy Pants said with a chuckle, interrupting Sundance’s moment of recovery. “We must stick to the schedule. We must hurry, as we must be going. Hungry? We’re about to have lunch.”
A good shake was just what was needed, and not caring what others might think, Sundance gave himself into his desire with reckless abandon. He shook, he shimmied, and he even flapped his wings a few times, certain that there had to be cobwebs after the decades spent locked in the paperwork dungeon.
“Right! Good show! Make a few mares faint with a rakish display of plumage! I understand that they are all the rage these days. Alas, I lack such fashionable accessories.” Fancy Pants’ enthusiasm could not be contained and Sundance found himself smiling.
Lunch sounded good.
The cafe was crowded with ponies, most of them guards. A protective perimeter was established, and new customers were turned away from the door. Sundance felt a little awkward about this huge fuss, but this was his life now, and he faced it with grim acceptance. While he wasn’t all that important in the larger scheme of things, Prince Blueblood was, and the regal unicorn was reading a portfolio while sipping at a tiny cup of espresso.
Fancy Pants and Fleur Dis Lee sat on one side of the table, and Raven on the other beside Prince Blueblood. A table meant for four felt crowded with five, and with the guard gathered around, Sundance felt the slightest bit claustrophobic. There was also the fact that Sundance felt horribly out of place, the menu was written in a language he couldn’t read, and there were no prices written for anything.
Fancy Pants leaned over and gave a gentle nudge to the mare beside him. “I say, Fleur, Canterlot seems a little too quiet, wouldn’t you agree?”
The demure, leggy mare nodded, but it seemed as though she had nothing to say.
“We haven’t had a good attack in a while. As dreadful as those are, they do so get the blood pumping, don’t they? I must say, I’ve grown to welcome them as a means to break up the boredom. The dreadful unseen menace remains unseen. It’s not sporting to leave a pony in want and waiting.”
“You’re crazy,” Raven deadpanned and she offered Fancy Pants a dismissive wave of her hoof.
“The craven scoundrels that live below us in the sewers have done us a favour. They’ve brought out the best in us. We are now of one mind, united against a common foe, and all of us labour for a greater cause. And when those little rapscallions dare to show their hideous, ratty little faces, we give them a right good thrashing and a good what for!”
“Dear, you’re causing a scene,” Fleur said while she patted Fancy Pants on his foreleg.
“I’m itching for another kerfuffle.” Fancy Pants slumped as much as his fine breeding and good manners would allow, and his ears settled into a splayed out position that suggested boredom. “The tea tastes so much sweeter after a brush with death.”
“Fancy, dear, you’ve become positively primeval.”
“Perhaps I have, Fleur, perhaps I have.”
“Sundance.” Prince Blueblood lowered his portfolio, cleared his throat, and focused his intense, piercing gaze upon the young pegasus he addressed. “I’ll be blunt, because that is what I do. You have an uphill battle ahead of you. Your barony lacks any sort of modernisation. There is no indoor plumbing, no running water, no electricity, there is nothing. It is mired deep in debt, because the previous Lord Sunfire kept taking out loans with his land as collateral. Princess Celestia is working to secure some mercy for the debts, but she cannot just have them erased—doing so would breed accusations of tyranny. I myself have begun negotiating with some of the more… unscrupulous bankers that the previous Lord Sunfire struck deals with. There is a huge mess.”
In silence, Sundance nodded and listened. Listening was good and it endeared him to others. Since his arrival in Canterlot, he had done a lot of listening, some of which was about things that were deeply unpleasant, much like everything that Prince Blueblood had to say.
“This debt is not insurmountable,” Raven said in cold, clipped tones. “You might end up an old pony on your deathbed, but you can pay this off and leave a debt-free barony for your heir.”
Sundance’s ears rose, fell, rose, fell, and rose again. He had to produce an heir. One heir and at least one spare, as it had been suggested. On top of whittling away at a mountain of debt, running a barony, restoring the family name, he had to find a mare open to his advances, a mare that could somehow look past his extreme poverty, and would be willing to live in what Sundance could only imagine was some dreadful backwater county with no modern amenities.
“Your barony is dying,” Prince Blueblood continued, his eyes narrowed. “The youngest pony in your demesne is in their forties, or so it is estimated. Birth records were not well kept, and like everything else, were neglected. The oldest might well be approaching their century mark. I’ve already taken the liberty to see what I can do to help you gain a few new faces, and there are others working hard on this dire problem. Without peasants, without labourers, you have nothing. All of your peasants are too old to make more peasants.”
So, Sundance realised, he needed to find some incentive to make ponies stay.
“Blueblood… I think that’s enough.” Raven prodded the stallion beside her with her hoof, and then followed it up with a hard jab to the ribs. “This is an awful lot to take in, all this bad news all at once. Let’s have lunch first, and then we’ll pick up where we’ve left off.”
“Very well.” Prince Blueblood bowed his head, acquiescing to the flinty mare beside him with a smirk. “This place has the most remarkable Fancy onion soup…”
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8663330
I had a guest editor.
Sounds like he signed up for a life of misery and hardship. I hope there's at least something to look forward to for him in all of this.
No factories, zero manpower, and crushing debt. Definately the fiefdom a new player should start with for his first time!
...I think he has to get a really good political marriage, and then arrange for all the other heirs to his wife's kingdom to die mysteriously. It's the only way.
Okay, I thought I was up on the Weedverse but...
House Nicker?
If I have forgotten where that happens, please tell me!
8663435
The Mask Makes the Pony.
- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Adventure
- Thriller
Flicker Nicker has joined the Rat Catcher's Guild. He's rather good at it, but wants to be better.Hm that one mare he saw, we'll see her again I bet.
Whew wee, chapter 2 out so quick? Awesome
Also daaaang, Pebble the tyrant already. *sniff* they grow up so fast
“Subtle” my ass. Also, holy shit, this previous Sunfire really fucked up... is there no system to remove shitty lords?
8663438
::rereads the ending:: Oh yeaaaah.
Thanks!
Good to know that if Twilight were ever to go berserk, Equestria would have champions like Sundance to fight her!
8663564
Hire a hit-griffon?
i.pinimg.com/736x/7a/d7/96/7ad7961aa71eb5c37fd19d5eaf2c090d--griffons-poni.jpg
Wow instead of starting this noble game on easy he is forced to start in expert mode. Also, im glad we get a civ building fiction on this site it's so hard to find that type of story. Thank you for writing one Kudzuhaiku.
No tutorial level for you, buddy.
I'd like to say that the premise and character sold me...
But if I'm being honest if you hadn't had me with the by line, you'd have had me at "experimental entry." I'm really looking forward to this.
Holy crap we get our first story with Pebble as a full grown adult and she has a rivalry with Twilight Sparkle.
On a side note with that in mind, how the hell old are Fancy Pants and Fluer at this point? I might believe Fluer in her late 40s but Fancy Pants gave off the feeling of being at least in his mid 30s during show canon.
8663853
Fancy Pants has aged like fine wine.
Your
Chapter. Huzzah!
Wait, wait, wait. Did I just read that right? Little Pebble is now a LAND OWNER and ROYAL!? O.O
I swear Kudzu you with your crazy time leaps showing us crazy stuff.
8667538
And by the looks of it, doing better then twilight
8663564
as a citizen of the UK a region of the world that still HAS shitty lords and no process for their removal am gonna say no. On second thoughts there IS a method for their removal, all it requires is a few pointy spikes and london bridge to become available for a couple of days :p
That does not mean they wont be replaced with more shitty lords or worse.
I have to say I'm just slightly concerned about how that is phrased. Unintentional prophecy?
Silly Sundance, don't you know the world runs on paper and strife?
8723696
fortunatly the teen titans already took care of brushshogun.....and ammy is a good doggy.