Don't end up a spider smoothie
Worshipful sunflowers swayed in a reverent dance beneath the glorious sun. Sundance sat in the grass and he scratched behind his ear with his left hind hoof. Everything was still dewy, damp, and the cool of the morning could still be felt upon every blade of grass. Last night, he’d dreamed of sunflowers again; tall ones, regal, majestic sunflowers that stood as tall as Princess Celestia, or maybe as tall as Corduroy. A forest of sunflowers that one such as he could get lost in, a maze of endless green rows.
At the crack of dawn, when he was hardly even awake, Paradox gave him a lesson about the land. He’d already forgotten about half of what she’d said, but it was important stuff. The land around here, she’d said to him whilst he’d yawned, should be frozen for most of the year due to the frigid winters. But the heat of the earth kept the soil from a hard freeze, which is why there were so many trees here, and why crops grew so well. This sort of hyper-productive soil in a boreal-temperate climate was unique, but also extremely beneficial.
She’d mentioned something else too, something about harnessing the heat of the land…
And then she was gone, off to do wizardy things before breakfast.
He gave his ear a final scratch, groaned in regret, and then thought about his to-do list. A part of him wanted to roll in the grass again, but he didn’t. The first thing on his list of things to-do today was to inform Hollyhock that she was going to be the primary caretaker for the barony’s orphans. He wasn’t sure how she might react, and a part of him feared there might be trouble. Things were strained between he and her, and it had something to do with his relationship with Amber Dawn and Lemongrass.
Still, everypony had a job here, and he felt this would be an ideal role for her.
But convincing her of that might be hard. He allowed himself to procrastinate a bit, because it was just too nice a morning to start trouble, and the temptation to roll in the grass remained strong. The sunflowers—silent, non-judgmental sentinels—kept to their vigilant watch while Sundance struggled between his need to keep the peace and his duty to impose order. He wasn’t going to ask Hollyhock to look after the orphans, no, he was going to tell her, and he found that difficult to do.
Aware of Hollyhock’s routine, Sundance waited by her door. She was always a little late to breakfast, which was fine. The little pegasus filly (Hollyhock’s third foal) got most of her sleep during the latest part of the night to the earliest of the morning, which meant that from about three in the morning until seven or so, the little filly slept like a rock. So it was understandable that Hollyhock also got her sleep during this time.
Other ponies were already hard at work. There was weeding to do, which was possibly one of the most important tasks in the barony, given how his residents treated the job. Constant vigilance. At the moment, there were some kind of spore exploders infesting the barony, whose infested, bulbous bodies had to be burned. After death, as the remains decomposed, they exploded into clouds of more spores, which turned into more spore exploders. They didn’t have bodies of their own, not from what Sundance knew, but infected healthy plants and turned them into spore exploders.
Corduroy studied them to see if there were any useful magical properties.
“There’s a spider in the shitter!” Floodgate cried.
“Step on it,” somepony shouted.
“It’s too big to step on!” Floodgate replied.
“I gotta see me a big spider,” Privy Pit said, her ears pricked with keen interest.
“Don’t go look at it,” Floodgate said to the dirt-brown mare. “Go do your job!”
“I’m the shit-scrubber, not the spider-slayer!”
“Ick!” Floodgate pranced in place. “Ick! Ick! Ick!”
“Fallow, go fetch a torch. We’re going to pay a visit to the spider in the shitter.”
“No way, Privy.”
Disgusted, Privy spat out the words, “What a bunch of cowards!”
“That spider is bigger than our chickens!” Floodgate shouted.
“I think yer full of it,” Privy replied with a shake of her head. “Yer a big scared foal, Floody. Spider’s probably the size of a cherry and you think it’s the size of a chicken.”
Fallow Fields, who did not go and fetch a torch as requested, opened up the door to the outhouse, poked his head in, squealed, whinnied, yanked his head out, and then kicked the door shut as he beat a hasty retreat whilst he hollered, “It’s as big as a turkey!”
“Milord, it seems we have a big spider.”
Though nothing about his outward expression changed, Sundance’s innards began to wriggle around inside of him in search of the nearest exit. A spider that big wouldn’t go squish—not right away. It would put up a fight, no doubt. It probably had huge fangs that glistened with ichor, and too many eyes in nightmarish locations. And legs. So many legs. Too many legs.
“I need a torch,” Sundance said with the hopes that this would buy him some time. With enough time, this might somehow resolve itself. He was fine with fighting ferocious owlbears, but a turkey-sized spider? As a pegasus, he could end up in the web of that thing.
“The Milord needs a torch!” Privy bellowed, but nopony ran to fetch one.
“Paradox has a torch growing out her head—”
“Floodgate…” Privy squeezed her eyes shut and sighed in exasperation.
“No,” Fallow interjected, “Floody’s right. Paradox will burn that spider to a crisp. This be wizard business.”
“All that fire in the outhouse…” Privy opened her eyes, only to close them again with yet another sigh of exasperation.
“The outhouse can be rebuilt,” suggested Sundance, who saw wisdom in Fallow’s plan.
A door opened and Carnation Nosegay stuck her head out. She glanced around, looked right, then left, and then turned to Sundance. “What’s with all the commotion?”
“Spider in the outhouse,” Floodgate said to the unicorn mare who peeked out her door.
“Huh.” Carnation exited her dome home, shut the door behind her, glanced around at the gathered crowd, and then saying nothing, she trotted over to the row of outhouses near Corduroy’s infirmary. At the first door, Floodgate shook his head from side to side, and this happened again at the second door.
But at the third door, Floodgate’s flared nostrils were just the visual cue needed.
She pulled the door open, stuck her head in, and then immediately withdrew whilst she shouted, “WOAH NELLY!”
“Oooh! Eeew!” Overcome, Floodgate bolted and ran away. For an older pony, he sure could move when the situation demanded. He ran like water flowed, which is to say swiftly and without ceasing.
“That’s the biggest spider I’ve ever seen,” Carnation casually remarked. “Smart, too. It’s in the outhouse, waiting for some unsuspecting pony to come in and sit down. Then, it’ll bite them on their butt, paralyse them, drag them down into the outhouse basement, and slurp them like a smoothie.”
Just like that, Fallow Fields was gone and he left behind a faint, vague outline of dirt.
Corduroy emerged from her infirmary, and with a few annoyed sniffs, she had herself a look about. She glanced at the open outhouse door that swung in the breeze, and then had a good, long, hard look at Sundance, as if she blamed him for allowing all of this commotion to happen. She scowled—no, she grimaced, and then with a lurch, she went into the outhouse to have herself a look at the cause of all this fuss.
The outhouse shuddered, rocked on its foundation, there was a thump, a growl, and a hiss. Incredible violence could be heard within the structure, and Sundance wondered what Corduroy was doing, because she was a pacifist. She didn’t believe in causing harm to another creature. Maybe spiders were an exception. He hoped that spiders were an exception, because after all that had happened, the actual spider itself was just too terrible to imagine.
A few seconds later, Corduroy stepped out of the outhouse and she dragged a quivering, twitchy spider by one misshapen, bent-in-all-the-wrong-ways leg. His imagination was wrong, Sundance realised. This spider was worse than anything he could think of. Yard-long legs. A fat, bulbous, hairy spider-butt with wiggly finger-thingies that spurted white clots of sticky webbing. It was, in fact, the size of a very large turkey, and this was no exageration.
“I like my ingredients fresh,” Corduroy remarked in a voice of frigid calm.
Sundance’s alchemist was terrifying.
When she went back into her infirmary and shut the door behind her, Sundance let go of the breath he didn’t realise he was holding, only to suck in another breath and hold it. Tarantula was in the infirmary! The poor colt would no doubt be traumatised and Sundance felt bad for him. Then, when he found his breath again, and could breathe, he felt bad for the spider. Corduroy was going to turn the massive, hairy menace into potions, poultices, and maybe antivenin.
“What’s going on?”
With everything that had just happened, and his current state of distraction, Sundance failed to hear Hollyhock’s door open. She stood in the doorway, blinking, her eyes bleary with sleep. A terrible case of bedmane gave her a curious, almost frightful appearance, and she had crusty eye-boogers. Sundance knew that Hollyhock must be comfortable living here, that she was a part of this community, because what mare would show her face in public looking like that?
“Nothing,” Sundance said to Hollyhock. “Nothing important. It’s over now. You and I need to talk, Holly. There’s something I need you to do.”
“Give me a chance to get cleaned up,” she said to him.
“Sure thing. I’ll be out here waiting.”
Amber Dawn and her brother, Lemongrass, huddled near their mother’s legs. Little Amber was sleepy, but Lemongrass was practically asleep on his hooves. Sweet Relish hung from a shawl wrapped around her mother’s neck, and she delighted in seeing the sky overhead. As for Hollyhock, she looked nothing like she did when she had first stuck her head out the door, and was now her usual, attractive, pleasing-to-the-eye self.
“I have a job for you.”
Though she said nothing, her expression was dubious.
“The barony is getting a collection of plucky orphans. You’re going to be their caretaker.”
“Say again?” Hollyhock’s ears went from relaxed to rigid.
“You like foals. You said it yourself. In fact, that’s part of the reason why you ended up here, as I recall.” As he spoke, she frowned, and this frown’s intensity almost made it a scowl. “So, that’s what you’ll be doing from now on.”
“I like my own foals,” she said, almost whining. “Look, Sweet Relish keeps me busy.”
“Oh, I understand. Which is why I specified that we get older foals, and other creatures that need supervision, but can otherwise care for themselves.” He ignored the sour stare that Hollyhock gave him, and smiled down at Amber and Lemongrass. “There’s a burro that needs your care—”
“I don’t know a thing about burros,” Hollyhock blurted out in protest.
“You know what, I didn’t either. But then I found that I didn’t need to know about burros. They’re just like us. Have the same needs and wants. The same feelings.”
“But I—”
“But you have more excuses to do nothing and contribute nothing? Express Delivery is a new mom too, and she does all kinds of stuff around here. It’s time you had a job, Holly. It starts today. Tarantula is in the infirmary”—he shivered when he thought of the still-twitching spider dragged into there—“and you’re coming with me so you can meet him. Also, we need to talk. He has some special needs.”
“I dunno about this—”
“You don’t need to know. You only need to do. Holly, you’re not being asked to do this, you’re being told. Now, come along with me. There’s a few things you need to know about Tarantula.”
Fearful of what he might see, Sundance pushed open the massive door to Corduroy’s infirmary. He cringed—and saw nothing. No hairy horror awaited. In fact, there was no sign of the spider at all. Corduroy had Tarantula on a scale and she was writing something down on a notepad. As for the burro colt himself, he was clean. Spotless. Perhaps even cleaner than he was in Fluttershy’s care. He sat on the scales, obedient, calm, and quiet.
The fact that the spider had vanished in such a manner was truly unnerving.
“Doors are for entering and exiting,” Corduroy said, “not standing in.”
“Oh, of course.”
He came in, and Hollyhock followed, along with her foals. He glanced around, wary of the ginormous eight-legged horror, but it was nowhere to be seen. Unnerved, he cleared his throat, heard the door shut behind him, and he crossed the room to stand near Tarantula, who seemed especially tiny with Corduroy towering over him.
Why, there wasn’t even a puddle of ichor on the floor, or stray hairs.
“Holly, this is Tarantula Sombrero. He’s been abused. Not physically, from what I understand. Emotionally. Severe neglect. His development has been a bit stunted, or so I’m told, but he’s still pretty bright. He’s quiet, shy, and not at all a troublemaker. So everything will be—”
“He’s so tiny.” Hollyhock’s voice almost cracked. “So helpless. So tiny… so tiny… who would neglect him? Why? Why, Sundance? Who would do that? Why would that happen?” She moved with sudden startling alacrity and crossed the room. “Why would somepony neglect him? He’s so sad looking… and tiny… why?”
Sometimes, there was a giant spider in the outhouse, and the problem seemed insurmountable. At other times, some problems just sorted themselves out, like now. Sundance sensed that this wouldn’t be an issue. Hollyhock was on the very verge of tears, and he waited, silent, while she sorted herself out.
“Would you like some breakfast?” asked Hollyhock.
Tarantula looked at Sundance first, then Corduroy, and then he studied Hollyhock. A faint single nod was his reply. Corduroy put away her pen and her notepad, patted the little burro atop his head with her broad paw, and then lifted him from the scale. She held him up, examined him in the light, turning him this way, and that way. After her final examination, she set him down upon the floor, patted his backside, and smoothed out his unruly mane with a few gentle strokes.
“Amber…”
“Yes, Mom?”
“I want you to keep an eye on him. Don’t let him or your brother out of your sight.” Hollyhock turned a stern eye upon her daughter. “And I don’t want you slipping off either, little lady.”
“Aww, I’ve been good…”
“You have,” Hollyhock replied, “and that is why I am worried. You’re up to something. Waiting for me to let down my guard.” After a good snort, she relaxed a little, smiled down at her daughter, and her ears fell into a more relaxed position.
“Tarantula, this is Hollyhock,” Sundance said to the small colt. “She’s going to be your caretaker. Do as she says.”
A simple, agreeable nod was the colt’s silent response.
“Amber, little Tarantula here, he loves Hitut—”
“You do?” Amber went from sleepy to excited in the blink of an eye. When the burro shied away, she calmed herself a bit, but still practically vibrated in place with unfettered excitement.
“We’ll talk about it over breakfast.” Hollyhock gestured with her hoof. “Form a line. Amber, you bring up the rear, because you’re my biggest girl. Tarantula, I want you in the middle, where Amber can keep an eye on you. Lemon, I want you right behind me. Now come along.”
Sundance watched as they made for the door in a single file line, and Tarantula cast one final parting glance up at Corduroy. He kept his silence as they left, and was relieved that Hollyhock took to her job like a duck to water. For now, at least. Problems might happen later, but that was later, and it could be dealt with then.
“He’s troubled,” Corduroy said seconds after the door clicked shut.
“That much is obvious,” Sundance replied.
“I worry we’re not prepared to deal with troubled foals, Sundance.”
He gave his nurse’s words careful consideration.
“But I also understand the necessity of what we’re doing. This is how we get established, I suppose. You hired a diamond dog out of necessity, because you needed a nurse and a midwife. You are building your barony on castaways, rejects, and the unwanted. Things will probably work out, but I still have some concerns.”
“I was reassured that he’s still young enough to make a good recovery.” He paused, because he spoke of something that he had little understanding of. “Fluttershy got him socialised a bit, and mended his sense of trust. It’s up to us to do the rest.”
“This isn’t a laceration that I can stitch together.” Corduroy folded her arms over her girth and then sat down on a tall wooden stool. “This is no infection that I can lance and drain the pus from. While I have some knowledge about this stuff from studying Marble’s books, spending the night with him last night, it really sank in just how little I know.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Corduroy.”
“Hard facts are my currency, and last night, I found myself short changed. He wouldn’t stop crying. Like, there was nothing that I could do to make him feel better. I didn’t get anything done. He finally collapsed from exhaustion and went to sleep. And this morning, when he woke up, he acted as if nothing had happened. Seemed totally fine. And that… that bothers me, Sundance. It’s beyond what I understand.”
“We have to make it work, Corduroy. Twilight Velvet has agreed to give us much needed supplies, a teacher, and even monthly financial assistance in exchange for taking in a few troubled tots. I trust that she knows what she is doing, and if we run into trouble that we can’t deal with, I’m positive that she’ll step in. She’ll send help. For now, we have to trust in the good that we can do, and hope that it is enough.”
Corduroy’s triangular ears drooped as she reached up to rub between her eyes.
“Honestly, I thought Hollyhock would fight me.”
“Bah!” The diamond dog nurse made a dismissive wave with her free paw. “That mare, she can’t help but mother things. It’s in her nature. Just look at how she is with that goofy owlcoon. Her problem is with you, Sundance.”
“So I’ve noticed.”
“She’s going to smother that poor burro. He’ll be stressed, I think. Until he isn’t.”
He sighed, unsure of what to say about that.
“Holly really doesn’t like you. I can’t figure out why. Oh, I have a few guesses, but I’d rather deal in what I know than speculation. There’s some resentment there.”
“I think it is because Amber likes me so much.”
“Me too.” Corduroy’s voice was a muted, grumpy growl. “I am dog-tired.”
“Get some sleep, Corduroy.”
“I can’t.” She reached up with both paws and massaged her saggy jowls, which made her ears flop from side to side. “Too much to do. Stump threw his back out yesterday when he tried to show everypony how young and fit he was. All this talk about him getting old has him in a real snit. Rocky Ridge has a urinary tract infection. Speaking of which, I need to go and check on her. She was running a low-grade fever when I did my late night rounds. And Plowshare has infected, inflamed hemorrhoids. He’s gonna make me chase him, I just know it.”
“Uh… um…” Sundance desperately tried to scrub what was just said from his mind.
“Plus, I have a spider in the freezer that needs sorting out…”
- Can you hear the arachnophobes screaming?
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I love this tiny little world here so much. I think I've read all your stories (except the Chaseverse, because it's very big. I've only read that one through once) about 4 or 5 times a piece, and this one's easily one of my favourites. Seeing it slowly pull together is so great; and all the little pieces and ends and so on from all the other stories is amazing.
Imagine opening that freezer looking for some ice cream and instead you get a frozen nightmare spider. Somepony might beat Rainbow Dash’s landspeed record.
I wonder if Sundance's... um, "owl pact" is going to be important any time soon.
9890112
It already is. They keep watch for travelers stranded in the wilderness.
Giant horrible spiders and a society founded by the unwanted. Are you sure that this story hasn’t wandered into Australia by accident? I swear if an owlaroo shows up... actually that would be great, have Sundance officially proclaim that his Baronial coronet is to be a broad-brimmed hat with corks on strings hanging off it.
Oh, my old friend. That's where you are wrong. You see, for one to scream, one must be awaken, not fainted, nor in fetal position. Only after the terror have enough time to settle in the brain we can scream !!!
...or throw heavy things not fit to be throw, like wooden chairs, untill the problem is smashed...
I think that would be a bad idea. The buildup of fumes from those things can be flammable. I keep thinking of the Great Stink and exploding cesspits.
Urinary tract infections are no joke. I know someone who had one but didn't know it (asymptomatic) and it got into the blood and became a blood infection. If she hadn't gotten to the hospital, she could've died. And this happened earlier this year, not years ago.
9890087
That or keel over dead.
9890126
Oh, yeah. I was thinking more on that he was able to make it to begin with, as --in theory-- he should have the wrong kind of magic for that sort of thing, right?
Unless it's not as primeval a pact as I thought, and it's just because he's related to fluttershy.
spiders i like spiders the bigger the better.
a grate chapter with so much fun to be had.
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/harrypotter/images/d/d2/Ara.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20100611145604
Corduroy is COLD BLOODED.
She can go from caring medical professional to sociopath in .00002 seconds....good grief I LOVE it.
9890087
Land speed? Please if its an arachnaphobe there will be a new AIR speed record...and a sonic rainBROWN.
i.pinimg.com/originals/46/2f/ba/462fba064da2f661957b043143741d4e.jpg
Spider in the FREEZER!?
9890347
It is the medical supply freezer. Where else would you store it?
Torch it. Burn the freezer into slag. Drop the remains down a deep, dark hole. Never speak of it again.
What freezer? There was never a freezer.
9890350
Y'know, next to the ice cream that Sundance so desperately wants.
9890369
You might not recall, but this freezer was made to store medical supplies. It runs off a windmill and batteries. The spider is, at best, a temporary resident, until it is broken down for useful bits and juices.
There is no space for ice cream.
Sundance wouldn't keep ice cream just for himself. He'd have enough for others. Freezer is too small for that.
I'd have to be deaf not to hear the arachnaphobes screaming since I'm one of them. D:
9890422
Easiest way to have ice cream for everycreature is probably to make it themselves. A simple hoof driven ice cream maker isn’t that hard to make. An icehouse to harvest the barony’s lakes in winter is something they’re going to want anyway, because ice is super useful in general. They have a variety of flavors already from the orchards. Only thing they’re missing is a cheap source of dairy. Hopefully as the barony prospers it will entice a herd of cows to move in.
9890956
They have cows...
9891073
Guess I forgot about them. Has Sundance had any interaction at all with them?
9891890
Only a few mentions in passing.
....it occurs to me that Tarantula is quiet. You know how they say “it's always the quiet ones.” And he’s got a shared interest, the basis for a friendship, with Amber, an established troublemaker.
Those two are gonna be a pair of tiny terrors growing up, aren't they?
Geothermal power? I approve!
Yes, I can hear myself
Corduroys reaction to hearing about the giant spider reminded me of Tarnished.
Although she left it in more pieces than he probably would.
9892290
Blood is precious. Spill not a drop.
problem with this solution is that within 24/48 hours there will be a spider in the privy again XD
I thought for sure this spider situation would end up something hilarious like the outhouse being burned down for a tiny spider....and instead we get a MASSIVE Spider, one fit for a Dungeon no less! I admit I was NOT expecting this.
I would bet that the reason our beloved little burro woke up like it was nothing, is because that's EXACTLY what it was for him: Business as usual.
Though I would also say he has made REMARKABLE progress in such a short time. Considering how shy he was, hiding behind Fluttershy.
Also: Curdory is a GREAT nurse, by which I mean more than her medical skills ^^
The part with Corduroy and the Spider was absolutely hilarious.
Corduroy must be a pacifist because she sure pacified that spider.