Obvious April 1st Chapter is Obvious
Aiden and Rarity were busy packing for their stay off base. Really, it wasn’t much to pack since neither had much in the way of belongings. Rarity had still managed to fill two suitcases somehow.
His own weekend duffel (standard issue) was mostly full, and he began going over what to expect. “Okay, so, my aunt is pretty laid back, and overall I think this will be fine, but we’re going to want to ease her into the idea before she sees you, and-”
Beep.
“Phone message, one sec.” His eyes went wide as he read the text. “No fracking way…”
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They both ran out to the front of the compound to see what Valerie had brought for them. “Valerie, what the everloving…”
“No no, wait, look, shut up! So remember we were talking about that old robot found at the dump show, right?”
Aiden’s face went deadpan. “...Yes.”
“Well, okay so I went to the dump…”
“That was a cartoon!”
“Cartoons are awesome!”
“...You’ve got me there, but this is… it’s just a trash can, Val!”
“Who are you, Wernher von Braun? Also, we’re going to fit bottle rockets to the bottom of it.”
“Aren’t those illegal in Virginia?”
“...Rarity is literally an illegal alien.”
Rarity nodded. “It’s true; I am.”
Aiden looked down at her. “Whose side are you on?”
She grinned apologetically at him.
“Look,” Valerie continued. “We can do this. Donovan can give it a boost from the ground and you two can launch and have Rarity back to Equestria by suppertime!”
“There’s so many things wrong with this… I can’t even…”
“Darling, how do we find Equestria when we get up there? I’m no expert on space, but it seems rather large.”
Valerie nodded, sagely. “Yeah, it’s pretty big. Use Joyeuse. It’s from there, it can probably find its way back. Like a dog or something, you know?”
“Ooh… that could work. Gems always fix everything. Except the gem that brought me here. Buck that gem in particular.”
“Exactly. We can’t lose! Also, if you don’t launch, the terrorists win.”
Aiden blinked out of his stupor. “What terrorists?!”
“All of them. And Owens. He said you’d be too chicken…”
“...WHAT?!”
“Yep. And that you look like a dork.”
“HE LOOKS LIKE A DORK!”
“So we doing this?”
“Hell yeah we’re doing this! Screw that guy, Rarity’s going home! ...Wait, why am I going, too?”
“You expect her to steer a trashcan rocket with hooves while holding her traveling tea?”
“Yes, Aiden, do tell. How would I do that again?”
“Okay, good point. That’s laughably impossible. ...Right, let’s do this!”
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“Five… four… three… two… one… IGNITION!”
Valerie lit the twisted up fuse to the dozen or so bottle rockets tied to the garbage can. Per Rarity’s insistence, they’d duct taped a pillow to the top for comfort. Aiden admitted it was the right move. The fuse burned down, and the rockets ignited. At the same time, Donovan detonated a burst of aether underneath the can, sending it and its passengers screaming into the sky. In moments, they were a glimmer in the distance.
Grumman looked up, shading his eyes. “I can’t believe that worked. No wonder bottle rockets are illegal.”
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CRASH LANDING NOISES!!!!
“...I can’t believe that worked.”
“Yes, darling, it’s a good thing you remembered space is a vacuum and put up that shield. That would have been embarrassing.”
Aiden looked around. They seemed to have landed in the middle of a rather pleasant looking village. “So this is really…?”
Rarity smiled. “Ponyville. I’m home. We did it!”
“HAH! I KNEW IT! FIFTY BITS, BONNIE, PAY UP!”
“...Luna bucking dammit…”
Rarity spun, waving to the two ponies who were apparently first on the scene. She ambled away from the crash site, R.I.P. the USS Dumpster Fire. “Lyra, Bon Bon, how lovely to see you!”
Lyra grinned. “Welcome back, Rarity. Who’s tall, dark, and handsome over there?”
Rarity giggled. “‘Tall’, she says.”
Aiden stuck his tongue out at her. “Bite me, Gem Butt.”
Rarity waggled her hips at him, swishing her tail. “Bite that, shorty. Anyway, this is Aiden. It means Little Fire according to the translator, emphasis on ‘little’-”
“Not what your mom said!”
“...He’s from Earth.”
Bon Bon looked up at Aiden. “I know what Lyra thinks you are… but seriously, what are you supposed to be?”
“Apparently humanity’s first interstellar Uber driver.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s okay, probably won’t come up again.”
“Welcome home, Rarity.”
Rarity spun, her eyes wide. “Princess Celestia?!”
Aiden took a step back. “Tall horse… such horn. Very magic… wow.”
Celestia smiled warmly at him. “Thank you so much for bringing Rarity home to us, young human. It’s a true pleasure to see a genuine member of your race again. Starswirl’s mirror trolled us into finding an alternate universe when he was trying to find your world. Who would’ve imagined we simply had to wait for an Element Bearer to do the work for us?”
“As usual,” Rarity muttered.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“Nothing, Princess, nothing at all.”
“Ah, very good then. Now, there is one little problem we need to take care of.”
Aiden nodded. “Is it the USS Dumpster Fire? 'Cause it should burn itself out here in a few minutes. Honestly I don’t know how it even caught fire; the rockets burned their fuel in seconds.”
“No… we must maintain the Masquerade.”
“...What.”
“You see… when your kind helped us during the wars long ago, not all humans left to return to Earth.”
“...What.”
“But we don’t want to disrupt Equestrian Harmony with alien cultural influences, the Angels were very clear on that point…”
“...What?!”
Celestia smiled, bearing down on Aiden as her horn lit. “Why do you think we call them Earth Ponies…?”
“HAH! FIFTY MORE BITS, BONNIE!”
“DAMMIT!”
“Uh... what if I don’t want to be a pony?”
“Oh nonsense, dear, you won’t remember being otherwise.”
Rarity nodded. “I can always use another worker in my textile factory in Detrot. I’ll get you a fair wage, as thanks for getting me home.”
“What the buck, Rarity?!”
She giggled. “Oh I’m teasing, of course. You can stay with me until you get settled. We’ll say you had an accident but we’re dear friends who were about to start dating. We can start over, fall in love, have foals together. It’ll be lovely.”
Aiden tilted his head, considering this, as Celestia zapped him. Suddenly a confused Earth Pony stallion, he looked around blankly. “...That trashcan is burning for some reason.”
Rarity grimaced. “He seems a bit… dull now.”
Bon Bon scoffed. “You saying Earth Ponies are dull?”
Rarity snorted. “Oh please, darling, I’m friends with Pinkie Pie.”
“Oh right… withdrawn.”
“I just means he’s… well I guess I don’t have to keep my word…” She gasped. “What am I saying, that’s absolutely horrid! What is wrong with me… with all of this…? Celestia, how could you just… Wait… this doesn’t… how can… bwa…?”
From off in the distance, Twilight leaned out of the window of her castle. “SEE, RARITY? THIS IS WHY I HATE AND FEAR QUESADILLAS!”
Rarity blinked. “Oh son of a-”
“Gah!”
“Dammit!”
They both sat up, in their separate beds in their room at the compound (Fort Friendship, working title)...
FACEPALM!
FACEHOOF!
“FU-BUCKING QUESADILLAS!”
Happy April First, and Happy Easter, to Everyone! ...Proper chapter in a couple days.
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Well alrighty then. Guess that was a thing which didn't happen.
Uhm.
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Well, I felt it was pretty clear from the start this was just a joke chapter. I don't like fics misleading readers with April Fool's chapters that seem real and then turn out fake, but I like the occasional nonsense chapter in a serious fic and wanted to do one for fun. Looking back though... got a little weird at the end. Take care if you drink and write, friends, it can have consequences.
See everyone in a couple days!
IT WAS ALL A CONSPIRACY!!! CONVERSION BUREAUS EVERYWHERE!
I'm pretty sure that the fact that Aiden being turned into a pony instantly reminded me of TCB isn't a good sign for the fandom. Though the same could be said about whether or not it's a bad sign.
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Funny enough, I haven't read Conversion Bureau. It seemed too heavy handed on the angst so I didn't bother with it. I'm too old to need to go looking for that. Plus the whole 'ponies vs. humans' thing really strikes me as... well... dumb. That said, plenty of HIEs have some aspect of changing races, one way or another, in them. I often don't care much for it (though I think Project: Sunflower did an amazing job), but it can be an interesting plot point.
That said, if I'm coming up with an 'in story' reasoning (a bit silly for a joke chapter, but hey, mental exercise!), I'd say it's Rarity projecting her notion that she should have become human when coming to Earth, a la Twilight when going through the mirror.
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Yes, "ponies vs humans" strike me as dumb too. I have a little more faith in the human government's diplomatic abilities than that. And the Princesses' altruism, of course.
On the matter of TCB as a sub-genre, it doesn't appeal to me in general. I only read dark stories when they're well done, and I'm sure we can all agree that most TCB stories have dark and violent scenes. As a result, I have only ever read 2 TCB stories.
Spoilers for The Conversion Bureau: The Other Side of the Spectrum (The Original) from here on out
However, the 1st TCB story I read actually has a passable reason for the war, that being some evil sentient magical artifact possessed Princess Celestia, and then the Mane 6. It is also does it in a way that makes me want to cry; since in a scene in the fic it is revealed that they can see what they're doing, trapped in their own minds, unable to control their bodies. It's particularly distressing to read a story in which your favorite character is begging for death. That left a big impression on me, it really did.
Should've legalised those buggers, imagine the possibilities!