Find the sequel, here!
Before there was Tirek, before there was Discord, before Chrysalis, Sombra, or the Pony of Shadows, and before even the solar and lunar princesses themselves; there was Grim Noise.
Now, he has returned to wreak havoc on not just Equestria, but all of Equis. To stop him, the elite organization Z.O.D.I.A.C. was formed. Scarlet Thorn is one such agent. A pegasus without flight, and a loving mother as well as special-somepony, she must juggle her personal life as a Ponyville citizen, with her life as an agent of Z.O.D.I.A.C.
But when three of Ponyville's beloved citizens go missing, she gets dragged into a deadly and dark adventure. And when the past is brought up, there's no place to hide.
*Please read below.
Unlike most dark stories, this one will progressively get more disturbing. So please don't down vote it just because the story doesn't start off how you expected, until you have read chapter three. This IS also a Slice of Life story after all.
LOVE AND TOLERATE
And if you do down vote me,
Please at least care enough to tell me what I'm doing wrong in the comments.
There's no point in crushing an author's hope just because you didn't actually take the time to read their story.
Please feel free to leave comments, criticisms, and advice!
Thank you.
What an interesting story development so far! There is only a few errors in the chapters all together, but not enough to draw away my attention from the main story. A little less gorey than I perceived it to have at first, but what it makes up in is great slice of life and the charcters antics.
P.S.- Yes, Assassin's Creed Zecora!
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I'm so happy that you're enjoying it!
Would you mind pointing out those errors if you don't mind?
And I promise that this next chapter is going to be very disturbing. You want gore? You're going to get it.
Also, Zecora is going to get her own story soon. It will feature her as a main character, training both Sound-Off and Apple Bloom.
But first I have six other OC stories to write, sequels to this one.
8669597
I believe what you meant to say is "real".
Also, because of the word 'any', you'll have to make 'accomplishment' plural for the more than one things Sound-Off can do than the average dragon can.
I'll be looking forward to the next chapter then.
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Thanks!
I'm just curious, is this story inspired by the anime, Juni Taisen: Zodiac War? just wondering.
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No.
I've actually never seen that anime, although it is on my watch list.
Is there a similarity that should be addressed?
8671724 Probably not, I just saw the zodiac mentioned in your story description and the character on the cover art and it kind of reminded me of one of the characters, so I just figured I would ask. If it had been the case I would just have recommended adding a crossover tag or a mention in the story description.
The story sounds interesting. I will take a look when I have the chance.
8671745
I'm glad to know that the story peeked your interest!
Please, I encourage comments on my story so feel free to leave constructive criticisms or just things that you liked. I'm up to answer in other questions you might have as well. This story is only the first installment of the series, so there will be more to come. If you enjoy the story be sure to follow me for the latest updates and next installments. And please drop that like if you want! That way I know that I'm doing something right.
The story is great! I was a skeptic at first, but progressing through the story I immediately got hooked, fortunately it isn't annoyingly gorey as I thought it would've been (I think I've been watching Brits criticizing Creepypastas too much). A few grammatical errors were found during the reading, but I'm sure everypony can skip them over.
Overall, your story is building up well, looking forward for the next chapter.
8674559
Thanks!
It makes me really happy to know that you were able to get into the story!
Unfortunately, this story has almost met its end. But I have already started planning out the next installment for "Tales From the Equestrian Others".
Would you mind pointing out those errors if you don't mind by chance?
This is a very unique piece of writing. I liked it a lot. :)
8677183
I'm so relieved to hear!
Thank you!
8677226 You are very welcome. Keep up the good work. :)
A true work of Art!
The story is a magnificent take on the equestrian lore. The new characters presented are individually unique and carefully crafted to fit each "what life would be like if living in equestria" scenario. It stays true to its tags. With a clever twist of being an element of harmony under Luna's rule. The story is not perfect. There are many flaws that occur from time to time, but if you truly find the story to be a wonderful work of art. Don't be ashamed or afraid to love the story. Accept the story for what it is and respect it. If you dislike it, than at least leave a comment. There is no fun, and nothing to gain from bullying some pony. You will end up alone and without anything good to read. So, stay tuned to these amazing chapters and make sure to like and leave a comment! Because something this spectacular comes only once in a pony's life. Please don't mess it up and give support.
Where is the art from?
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I did the cover art myself, and Black Dawn's cutiemark featured in chapter one using Word.
I do my own drawings, which I transfer onto Word and edit to fix the lighting and coloration.
Didn't read it yet (and don't know if I should. I don't like Mature and Violence stories) but want to leave a question here. Do you know that Zodiac is a famous american serial killer that was never found out? Because it is kind of a dumb reference if you intended to make it there. Also Z.O.D.I.A.C. looks dumb, you could have written it normally.
8684822
Of course I know who the Zodiac Killer is. I enjoy learning about famous murderers and crimes. Please don't judge an aspect of my story for being stupid, if you haven't read it. That's just rude.
Also it's Z.O.D.I.A.C. because each letter is short for something else. Have you watched Disney's "Phineas and Ferb"? In the wiki and subtitles O.W.C.A. is spelled out with the periods, but not pronounced by its individual letters.
So please don't say the acronym is "dumb". It's only dumb in your opinion, IF you have READ the story and KNOW the details.
Finally,
I apperciate your feedback. Thank you for letting me know what I can improve. I hope that if you do read my story, you can find it in your censorious heart and parochial mind to enjoy it for what it is and not for what you expect. If you have a negative outlook, your entire experience will be negative.
I mean that in the best way for your wonderful and helpful self.
Wow!!
Your story is a bit reminiscent of a stereo-typical fan girl story during the beginning but the way you write is very immersive and detailed. I love it!
I ready through every chapter and I love what you did on the last one. The Forbidden Fruit is by far my favourite. It perfectly displayed what a true pony Society would look like if the show was rated R. And the ending has me wanting more.
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Thanks!
I'm glad you pointed out that the beginning is like that. The whole point of the beginning is that it makes the reader feel comfortable, until the middle hits them like a train.
I will do my best to make the next installation of the series less fan-girly.
If you liked the Forbidden Fruit chapter the best, than you will love the next chapter Serpent. There we will find out just exactly what happened to Scarlet.
The new chapter is great so far!
Very dark though.
I like it!
Half way so far. It's pretty epic.
Good work!
8701068
Glad you found it to be so good. Yeah, the Darkness inside of me has taken over my writing.
*As I sit here cuddling my Vulpix plushie and eating Hostess cupcakes.
So very, very dark...
Phantom, wrong channel. Lol
Sorry Scarlett, he's promoting his new story.
Wow! That's a cliffhanger. Sorry I'm a little late on my reply. I didn't get a message for this awesome story.
Anyway, so far I've noticed something about Scarlet. This "Agent Scorpio" seems like and alternate ego of herself, or a entire different entity herself judging by the way Agent Scorpio is described by.
8708804
Yeah, that's absolutely right!
The Z.O.D.I.A.C. members -with the exception of Pisces, Sagittarius, and Taurus- all try hard to keep their lives as agents separate from their personal lives. Of course, they all have different reasons; which will be explored in their own individual stories.
Here we see that Scarlet has- with the help of Luna- created an alternate personality that is meant as a sort of shield. So I'm very happy that I made that clear, and that you were able to catch onto that.
That is a great chapter. The gore and fight scenes were great in detail, absolutely awesome. Also, Zecora is an official badass!
. Anyway, keep up the good work, Scarlet.
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Will do my destructive friend!
Thank you!
Finally got around to continue the read, and I have to say, that was pretty intense.
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I know, the transition to the serpent chapter felt like a clear reference to Halo 2's Gravemind scene after you kill the prophet of regret and Master Chief is dragged by a flood tentacle as he sinks into the lake.
As for the final chapter, dang Zecora, you scary. I love the well written dash and flutter shy scene. It's perhaps my favorite scene from serpent. It captures their characters very freaken well.
And so my journey through this story begins. (I'm a slow reader BTW... I like to puntcuate things and stuff... I wont say much here because of this being the first chapter but let me say that there were two cases of not "showing", the first one was with Scarlet cuttiemark explanation, but I don't see a problem at the moment, you will most likely show her abilities in the future. The second one was just at the end: the ponies that are going missing, showing this through simple details like papernews or rumors during the middle of the chapter just to reinforce the idea of a mother being worried at the end would have been great.
Keep working, lad. You are doing pretty good.
happy writing!
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I'll take that last bit into consideration.
And Yes, we will see her talent more in the upcoming chapters.
That's one heck of a ride! Nice development on the characters too. Also, the way you showed Celestia's character seems fitting actually. I can imagine her releasing all those threats because she feels that her country is too peaceful and native over her long, drawn out life. Although, I can't wait to see her face once she hears about Grim Noise and its lackeys. Besides that, the way Vinyl turned out to turn into is interesting. She's not an alicorn, yet she has similar powers, maybe even stronger, to an alicorn. Points for creativity! And the Colossus.... All I have to say is holy sh*t! That's one big Vanished. What could have possibly have made that monstrosity? Keep up the great work!
I wonder if this is before or after the CMC discover their Cutie Marks. I guess I'll have to find out.
8742651
Actually, according to chapter 8, this story takes place on the same exact day as season 7's "Uncommon Bond ". At least up to the first day of Sunburst's arrival in Ponyville.
So the Cutiemark Crusaders have had their marks for about 24 full moons (2 years); since two Hearthswarmings have passed since 'Crusaders of the Lost Mark'.
In future stories we will get to see them interact with Black Dawn, just not in this story; the next installment of the series will feature a brief passage of such.
The angel wing concept is pretty interesting.
I LOVE Slasher! Not only is it now one of my favorite horror genres but now it is a cute bat monster from Tartarus that has clawed its way into my heart.
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I'm glad that you like him so much!
I will have a series of mini-stories that focus on him before his pupatation into demon.
The first story will be coming out in a few months.
I must say, holly sea is for Catwoman!
The chapter three rewrite left me in ->
Beautifully tied into the MLP lore. Great use of references! Alchemy= Magic was always a splendid idea. And you finally decided to add the in-depth historical lore like a certain some pony once mentioned.
It felt like a mixture of Game of Thrones and the first season of MLP. I was hooked!
The cliche of ending the flashback with the whole "welcome to Zodiac" thing was funny. It was like a middle finger to the reader. Cliffhangers
I wanted to see the inside.... Guess I'll have to keep on reading. Great hooks and origin story!
Lastly- you're really capturing the MLP character personalities very well. Never give up on your talent. You're on your way!
There is an excess 'nor' in this line: right before Black Dawn.
"Cutiemarks" should be capitalized as it is the start of a sentence.
I'm not sure if you are using "pony's" for a singular or plural usage, so I'll just leave this: "pony's" is the singular possessive form, while "ponies'" (an apostrophe at the end) is the plural possessive form.
'Is' should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a sentence.
Adding 'to' the second time seems unnecessary.
Drop the 's' in Glass and leave the apostrophe. (Also I thought about the Looking Glass Knight from Dark Souls 2, here... lol.)
Lastly, I'd like to say a few things on your note at the end. You could use a "[url]" tag to add the link to your DeviantArt page; as you say it is a link directly to your 'new' page, yet there is only an inserted link at the end. It isn't proper is what I'm saying and honestly you are making things far more complicated than they need to be.
With all of that out of the way, I'll be able to go into my thoughts.
The story doesn't seem all that interesting as of yet, but it does have my interest. It is strange to say that; however, after I explain my thoughts more it may make some sense. The characters seem fairly simple (as of right now), the only real thing outstanding would be their cutiemarks, but in a world of "butt marks" it isn't very outstanding. As far as personalities go they are rather straightforward too: Black Sun is a bratty-child-like, the mother is the caring type, and the father a passe watcher whom seems like they wouldn't pick a fight (I'd say that's a good thing). As I read through more that much may change; but for now there isn't much that draws me in from the characters alone.
The story itself is fairly interesting. How are the foals disappearing? Who is doing... it? Why are they doing it? When did they start it? Those are some of the more basic questions that I wish to see answered. Then entire thing almost seems trivial next to one important thing: that Gamecolt (this is just a jest to lighten the mood... I doubt it worked). And how many Pokemare games are there and what are their titles? Do they play the same as Pokemon? If not, what are some of the differences? (I might be looking into this too much.)
I'll be back at one point for the second chapter. I am rather neutral at this starting chapter, so I hope to see things pickup as I go; but from the comments, I'd say I have some fun to look forward to (and all that time you spent promoting the story and the comments in those 'ads').
8776928
Thanks for the advice, I'll go back and fix up those grammatical issues.
Also, Black Dawn is the name of the colt. The characters' personalities will be explored later in this story and more in the next story.
Not all questions need to be answered right away, or even in the first story.
8776928
Also
Would not be capitalized because it is, in fact, a single sentence interrupted by a dialogue tag.
However, thank you for pointing it out anyways.
I hope you find my story enjoyable and satisfactory to your impressive grammatical tastes.
8778249
To the first comment:
Of course, it makes sense not to explore all of a character in just one story—even the longer stories may not cover everything. And I do know Black Dawn is the name of the colt... sadly he is the only character whose name I have down.
To the second comment (chronological I should mention):
With that being the case, then you would want to use a comma after 'say' to mark that. Also... I noticed you have been using "cutie mark" as one word, all accounts I've seen generally have it as two—just sayin'—though, I can see why you'd keep it as one.
Lastly: if you want to leave a notification for me (or anyone) to see, then the reply needs to be written in the same chapter; otherwise it takes a manual check.
the concept of this kind of beast(Tartarus Chiroptera) is really interesting, I'm curious about how you integrate this kind of predator in the world we already know; mostly because they look too powerful to be tamed. I mean, with these kinds of skill they could rule equis any day of the month.
I'm eager to know more about them. in the meantime, If you want a suggestion, I'll say you rephrase that last paragraph when they teleport. explaining a little more about the process of how everything looked would give me an easier and more detailed picture/context.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
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Scarlet would sound like the singer P!nk more than likely.
Sound-Off's voice is a little more difficult, but I think she would sound like Ember from "Danny Phantom".
Black Dawn would sound like a young Alphonse Elric from "Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood".
Cobra Strike has a voice that is reminiscent of Alucard from "Hellsing Ultimate", but when he sings it becomes something more akin to the singer of a song titled "We Own the Night" by a band named Dance Gavin Dance.
8786276
Oh, and Florina Tart I imagine would sound like Hinata Hyuga from "Naruto".
While Ink Token has a voice that is reminiscent of Jade Chan from "Jackie Chan Adventures".
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Hope that helps!
And makes sense for their personalities too.