Handle with care
I sat in the dark living room, my knees drawn up to my chest as I stared blankly forward. Tears were running down my cheeks as I tried to get my breathing under control. I don’t know what had triggered the attack this time. I could feel his hands on me again, and what made it worse was that the actual hand that had touched me was one I longed for.
“Fluttershy?” Rarity’s sleepy voice called out to me. “Is everything ok?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.
”Please, stop. You’re hurting me!”
“Fluttershy?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and put my hands to my ears, trying to block out the memory.
”You have to report this, ‘Shy. This is a serious thing.”
“They won’t believe me. Who would want to do something like that to a girl like me? I’m not worth the effort.”
A hand landed on my shoulder and I shrieked in fear, scurrying to the far end of the couch to escape his hand.
And saw Rarity looking at me in shock, her hand still raised from where she had placed it on my shoulder.
“Fluttershy,” she asked timidly, her eyes tinged with worry. “Whatever is the matter?”
I buried my face in my hands as the tears kept flowing. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
She sat at the far end of the couch, not moving closer. Her presence alone helped, but I wasn’t ready to be touched yet.
“Was it the dream again?” she asked. “Those boys from grade school?”
I was shuddering as I raised my head and shook it negatively. “It was something else,” I whispered shakily. “Something later. I’m…I’m not over it. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
She slid slightly closer, reaching out and resting a hand on my arm. I flinched slightly without meaning to, and she drew her hand back as though burned, her face shocked.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “It’s not you. I just…”
“Start at the begining,” she spoke softly, soothingly. “Tell me what you can.”
I took a deep breath. Only one other person knew about this, and Tree Hugger lived a fairly good distance from here. I used to call her when I had flashes before, but now I had Rarity. I could trust her, right? She deserved to know. But could I make it through the story with as fragile as it made me feel?
“In fifth grade,” I whispered. “I started to blossom, before a good number of the other girls. And being as slender as I am, some of it was more evident than others. It didn’t help that I was already taller, either.”
I shook as a chill ran through me. “I was walking home one day and an older boy came up to me and started talking to me,” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I thought he was nice and we walked together for a while. Then, when I got ready to leave, he asked me for a kiss. I told him that I wasn’t ready for that, and he…wasn’t happy about it.”
Her eyes flashed diamond hard. “Fluttershy,” she said. “He didn’t…”
Without realizing it, my face was in my hands again as I saw the whole scene replay again. “He grabbed me and pulled me in close.” I could feel his hands on my arms. No, they were Rarity’s hands. I was safe.
“I told him to let me go, but he kept trying to get a kiss. He had me by the arms and was bigger than I was, so I couldn’t get away. He forced his tongue into my mouth, and then he felt me through my dress. When he was done, he laughed as I started to cry. Said I was such a weak little mouse, that I didn’t hold any challenge for him. I wasn’t worth the effort to do anything else.”
Slim hands rubbed my shoulders. I don’t know when I had been pulled into her embrace or when I had gripped at her like a lifeline.
“I told a friend what had happened later, and she told me that I should report him,” I whispered. “But I didn’t. I didn’t know if the name he gave me was his real name, or where he lived. And I really didn’t think it was going to be worth the effort, and why should they believe me?”
She didn’t say anything. She just held me. The words just kept tumbling out now, the dam having burst.
“Most of the time I can forget it happened,” I told my closest friend. “Pretend that none of what he did had occurred. But sometimes, something will happen and all of it will flood back. A sound, a sensation, a random thought. It hasn’t happened much since Princess Twilight came to CHS and helped us, and even less since we’ve been together.” I hid my face in her shoulder. “But it’s still there. Lurking. And it was horrible tonight, because it started when you reached out and pulled me closer in bed in your sleep.”
Rarity froze. “I’m…” she whispered. Then her arms held me tighter. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy, I didn’t know.”
I forced my arms to move from the death grip they had formed to a comforting hug. “It’s ok,” I told the fashionista. “You didn’t know, and I didn’t think you would hurt me. It’s just, when I remember…”
She kissed the top of my head.
“I love you, Rarity,” I told her. “A thousand times over. All I want is to be with you, but I always wonder what you could want with somebody like me.”
She took my face and tilted it up. Her eyes held mine in a way that no one’s else had ever done before. She stared at me intensely.
“You are worth every effort I can make,” she breathed. “You are such a kind soul, and you keep me grounded. You are my care bear, and if need be, I will protect you like a mother bear does her cubs.”
When she kissed me, I felt nothing but love, and the tears that flowed then were tears of relief.
On Rarity’s suggestion the next day, I had called the girls to let them know. She had said that they could help with coming to terms with my trauma. The girls sat around us, varying reactions on their faces as I finished a very truncated version of the story I had told Rarity. I trusted them, but it was still hard to talk about, even to my best friends. The most notable responses were anger in Rainbow’s cerise eyes and shame mixed with guilt on Sunset’s face. Aria was frozen in contemplation.
“Shy,” the redhead stuttered. “I’m sorry. Everything I said…”
I took her hand. “You didn’t know,” I said. “And didn’t I forgive you years ago?”
“Still,” she whispered, only to be silenced by Twilight’s hand on her arm. No words were said, but we all knew that they didn’t need them. The Equestrian leaned over and laid her head on the scientist’s shoulder.
“Wait till I find this guy,” Rainbow gritted, her face turning red in her fury. “I’ll feed him his own…” Her words were choked off when Applejack reached over and pulled her down.
“Simmer down,” she said. You could see anger in her eyes too, but held with a firm hand. “Won’t do Fluttershy no good now, getting yourself in trouble for beating up someone even iffen you could find him.”
Pinkie could hardly believe what she had heard, and was facing a crisis that she didn’t know how to deal with. She may be hard to contain sometimes, but she knew enough to know that right now was not the time to mention a party.
Aria sat forward, her eyes hooded and penetrating.
“So what are you going to do now?” she asked.
I glanced at Rarity, who nodded before speaking.
“I’ve made an appointment with a therapist,” I said. “I’ve been repressing it for so many years that it’s causing problems.” I took Rarity’s hand in mine. “Problems I don’t want to have. I’m going to try and work through it. I can’t ever truly get past it, but maybe I can get to where it doesn’t haunt me the way it does.”
The Siren nodded, satisfied with the answer. I saw Sunset shift in her seat, glancing down.
“Don’t apologize again, Sunset,” I said. “We’ve settled our issue back at the Battle of the Bands.”
“What can we do?” asked Twilight.
“Be there for her,” Rarity answered before I could. “Like we always are.”
I leaned into the shorter girl’s arms, feeling warmth encompass me.
“It’s hard to believe something like this happened to someone we knew,” AJ said.
Twilight looked down for a moment, fiddling with her glasses as she tucked her phone away.
“According to statistics,” she said quietly. “Every 98 seconds this occurs to someone. But that is based on actual reported incidents.”
Sunset reached up and put her hand over her wife’s mouth. “Not helping, Twi,” she said.
“No,” I said. “It’s ok. It’s how she copes. I know she doesn’t mean to make light of it.”
“Are you sure you’re ok?” Sunset asked.
“I am right now,” I told her, glancing into Rarity’s eyes.
“But you might have to be paitient,” I whispered to her.
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Not a story I was expecting to read tonight but , I have to say you portrayed it all quiet well and I just , I’m sorry that you had to live with that , I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what that must be like.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Also, good choice selecting Fluttershy for this kind of story; it's likely going to shock some of the readers.
And, at least in America, it seems like it isn't getting any better. We are divided and angry, looking to lay blame and punish those we perceive as guilty, sometimes before facts come to light. It... Scares me, honestly, that we aren't treating the source of much of this. We have spent generations telling boys that "men don't cry" and to stop "acting like a bitch" and, generally, just demeaning emotions, feelings, and pretty much anything "feminine"... and now we are reaping the consequences.
Adults who have no empathy nor concept of personal responsibility beyond what their immediate desires are. "Men" who feel entitled to whatever they want from whomever they want whenever they want it. Women who are terrified to go out in public or be alone for fear of their attacker finding them again. Children growing up without any guidance on how to be a caring and loving person... The cycle continues...
It has to stop. We can stop it by showing the world there is a better way; redefining masculinity and femininity to be admirable concepts that are forces for good, a beacon of light rather than something whispered in fear; showing that intimacy and sexuality aren't shameful things to be repressed, but beautiful things to be cared for, nurtured, and respected.
Maybe, just maybe... We can make the difference the world needs... and be the catalyst that brings about an end to sexual assault.
Thanks you for sharing this AllyKitty... And for what it's worth, I'm so sorry that you went through this. I hope and pray that you are in a better and safer place, and that your life continues to improve from here.
8646563
My first draft of my reply turned into a blog post length one, so I had to truncate it.
This is a rampant issue and I have to say that there are so many ways to get around it as a society.
And for those not knowledgeable about the issue, please research for yourself. Sexual assault and rape are often more about the power than the sex. Consent is a real thing, and I’ve only consented to being pushed against a wall while being kissed once.
Ok, twice.
8646589
Aye, it pains me that it is an issue. Consent should be an easy thing (affirmative consent no less - simply claiming "they didn't say no" isn't sufficient IMHO) and needs to be taught... But much like anything sexual, we shy away from talking about it as a whole and... Well, here we are :(
I think basic empathy and responsibility would go a long way to fixing a number of issues we face... The fact that the affluenza defense was even attempted indicates a systemic failure of morality in society I think.
For those of us who want to help, and be vigilant - any recommendations on where to start and what to look for? I am wary of some of what I've seen online (I try to take most anything online with a grain of salt though)... But, yeah... I'd like to think most if us here would like to help however we can.
8646657
Well, anywhere you want. Outreach centers, volunteer, teach awareness classes, etc. local Law Enforcement departments may ge able to direct you to those in the area.
It doesn't help that the current government seems to have a culture of blaming the victims.
I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. Personally, I can't say that I've experienced this first hand, but my brother is transgender, and he's faced a lot of harassment of this type.
The media needs to stop talking only about the offenders... The stories of the victims make a much bigger difference. A few years ago, my great aunt and uncle were murdered, and the only thing anybody ever saw about the crime was who did it and how. When you don't humanize the victims, you lessen the impact a thousandfold.
I'm extremely sorry you had to go through this. Just remember that you are not alone.
Having suffered physical abuse, I can at least understand some of what you and others have gone through.
My condolences.
8658316
No, our culture blames the victims; our government just wants to bury the issue.
Every time I hear the claim to girls 'if you don't want them to do what they do, then don't tempt them', I wanna slug the one that said it. I don't know the full statistics, but a large number of rape and sexual harassment is done to those that aren't advertising anything. Those that do this sort of thing often go for the weak or easy targets, and not just those that dress in a provocative manner.
The worst part is the emotional scarring, which can damage someone's ability to form relationships for a long time, perhaps even for the rest of their life.
And it doesn't matter who you are. Fluttershy has always had problems with self-esteem so it's easy to hurt her deeply. But she's not alone, as you well know. "Broken Bird" by zbehtesi examines how even someone as brash and seemingly sure of herself as Rainbow Dash is not immune to this type of pain.
Oh my, I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you're doing much better now. I hope writting about it helped too. Thank you for shedding some light an issue many shy away from.
This is the most difficult kind of good story. It's so hard to read yet demands I read it anyway. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I highly suggest you make this story open to non-mature persons, especially because of the issues it assesses
The more people know about this the better
This is definitely something more people should read. Coming out about this kind of thing is tough, so you deserve so much praise for this.
I also went through something like this when I was younger. It still affects me in certain ways, like being unable to be in complete darkness, as well as freaking out if someone sneaks up behind me and grabs me. It's great to have people around who understand what happened and are willing to help (my non-brony boyfriend actually got me a Pinkie Pie night light so I wouldn't have panic attacks if I woke up from a nightmare or something similar) I still have rough moments and flashbacks, but knowing that I'm not alone really helps.
8907684
Agreed 1000%. *sends good vibes to Rose Quill*
I went to reread this and noticed it has an "E" rating for some reason. Maybe bump that up to "T"? It's not exactly fit-for-everyone content. (And the description says it's rated mature, yet that's not the case.)
I feel sorry for a Fluttershy she got assaulted at such a young age. It's just wrong! But I'm glad she's getting the help she needs via therapy. Which is something I do myself with my worries too.