Sol 509
“Good morning, Dr. Kapoor! And how are you doing on this fine day?”
Venkat looked at Annie Montrose, who stood in his office doorway, smiling a warm, friendly, almost innocent smile. Alarm sirens echoed through his mind. “Well,” he said judiciously, “I’m juggling reports on the MAV launch, reading all sorts of excuses why the replacement Ares IV MAV is behind its construction schedule, and sorting through the reports, photos, and raw data Mark and his friends are sending us. It’s supposed to be over a hundred degrees Fahrenheit outside today, thunderstorms tonight, and there’s a pre-season subtropical depression in the Gulf which could make landfall anywhere from Matagorda Bay to Morgan City, or not. All in April. Oh, and NASA’s director of media relations wants an enormous favor and doesn’t think she can bully it out of me like she usually does.”
“So cynical, Venkat,” Annie purred. “I just wanted to know if you remembered something- specifically, the webcams built into all the Hab laptops and all the crew stations on the MAV.”
“Of course I remember them,” Venkat said. “We record low-quality video during launches and descents. One frame per second. We keep it in case of incidents so we have material for after-action investigations. We’ve only used it for Melissa Lewis’s review after the Sol 6 abort.”
“So good, you do remember.” Annie’s smile vanished, as did the sweet tones in her voice. “So does every single video news outlet from CNN right down to the internet dickheads who film their reports from their parents’ basement. They’re all demanding face time with the aliens, Venk. And I’ve fucking run out of excuses, because they know we have the pipe now for video signals. We already told them we sent all the software patches for launch in advance. And we told them we’ll be accepting their video archive via satellite relay during their sleep periods. Once our morale package finishes downloading, they’re all going to shove a stick up NASA’s collective ass and roast us over hot coals if we don’t give them some media opportunities!”
“What about-“
“OUT of excuses, Venk!”
“All right, all right,” Venkat said. “You did, I trust, tell them that message turnaround isn’t going to get any better than twenty-two minutes by launch day? We can’t alter physics for a media op.”
“Of course I fucking told them,” Annie said. “And I also told them the astronauts won’t have time for any exclusive interviews. But we have to at least give them a Q-and-A video. We can let the bigger outlets submit questions, and the smaller outlets will sit still for that, but they want more than a bunch of still photos, even if one of the ponies poses like a fucking Playboy centerfold!”
Venkat considered the problem.
“Venkat, are you paying attention?”
“Annie, I put up with a lot from you. You know that, right?”
“Of course you fucking do. I’m not in your chain of command. I report to Teddy and only to Teddy. You can’t fire me.”
“Understood. Now it’s your turn to put up with me. Shut up so I can think.”
To Venkat’s surprise, and possibly to Annie’s surprise as well, she did just that. He considered the benefits and drawbacks. He contemplated the available bandwidth the MAV had, the memory storage capacity of the relay satellites and of Hermes, and the mental state of the six castaways, as best they could guess at this distance.
Mental state. Yes, that would work.
“All right,” he said, “here are my conditions. You work with Dr. Shields on this,” Venkat said. “If she says no, that’s it- I pull the plug. She’ll contact Mark and his friends and get a quick update on their mental condition. We don’t want one of them unraveling on camera, do we?”
“No shit, Sherlock,” Annie said. “What else?”
“You’re going to let Dr. Shields slip a couple of questions in,” Venkat said. “The first thing we’ll do is ask the crew to make their own video, as a group. No questions for that- let them set the pace. Then we’ll have each crew member make one video. Johanssen will conduct the interview from Hermes as close to live as possible- lightspeed lag is about three minutes now. We’ll let her decide on follow-ups, but don’t count on there being any.
“The key point is Dr. Shields’s involvement. By bringing her in, this becomes a psychological test. Any part of the interview which becomes too awkward or dangerous to future missions, we can seal under patient privacy.”
“Good idea.”
“And finally,” Venkat concluded, “this is all you and the press get. One group video, six one-person interviews, and launch coverage. And if any of them say no, even Mark- make that especially Mark- I back them up, not you. Can you work with that?”
Annie nodded. “Beats the hell out of headlines about ‘What is NASA covering up this week?’” She pulled her phone out of her purse, looked at it, and nodded. “I’ll talk to Irene as soon as she has a hole in her schedule.”
“Wonderful,” Venkat said, reaching for a particular memo on his desk. “And now, if you could do me a favor-“
But when he looked up, Annie had already departed.
[14:41] MAV: So, we’ve been looking over these procedures you sent us. Are you leaving us any backups whatever? Because I can’t find any, except the pony thrusters.
[14:57] HOUSTON: We know. It’s a trade-off between backup systems and delta-V buffer. We aren’t as confident as we’d like to be in the pony launch booster system. By stripping two and a half tons off the MAV, we’re allowing you the possibility of a Hermes rendezvous with 50% of the expected performance of those boosters. Anything above that gives you spare fuel in the second stage to use for fine-tuning the rendezvous or for orbital braking if you have to use the Sparkle Drive to run for Earth.
[15:11] MAV: Roger. I see the logic, but I also see parts of Apollo 13 replaying behind my eyelids thinking about all of this. If anything at all breaks, we are well and truly fucked, you know that.
[15:26] HOUSTON: Believe me, I understand. Just be glad we’re letting you have the ten kilogram personal allowance. Without those pony boosters, we’d be asking you to shave your head to save weight. Among other considerations.
[15:41] MAV: Way to give new meaning to, “You should have gone before we left.”
[15:55] HOUSTON: You said it- I didn’t.
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What is the first thing you're going to eat that isn't potatoes or hay when you get home?
Does sojourner love Dragonfly?
I kinda want the rendezvous to fail just so that Mark also becomes the first human to travel faster than light. Dude deserves to be in the history books more than he'll already be.
And also so adorable pones reach Earth months before Hermes. Sure, the crew would feel like idiots for ruining their careers "for nothing", but it'd still be awesome.
Wait, is the plan to use the sparkle drive in Hermes to reach Earth sooner?
And now I'm wondering how much would fetch a genuine Marian magic battery.
To Mark and all the Mars castaways: "We just know you're all going to want one hell of a long vacation when you get off that rock and either to Earth, or the Ponies homeworld. Any thought's on where you'd go for said vacation?
Don't really have any good ideas for questions to the crew other then.
"When you get home will you continue your career as an astronaut."
That or "What are you going to do first thing you get to your home" <- home as in their physical house. Like throw yourself on a couch or break out some expensive alcohol to celebrate xD. And the last one
"Would any of you consider visiting earth and would you be opposed to visitors from Earth"
Also looking forward to the launch. Going to be interesting to see how it plays out. Keep up the good work!
Good thing they dont have the high capacity DSN running so they can have a 1 Mbaud data stream, all that full speed SD quality video with upscaling to HD etc.
Questions.
One album to listen to. Wierd Al, or Queen?
One milligram of salad seeds. Lettuce or cress?
To Dragonfly: "How do you see? Are your eyes like compound vision or do you have a single spot you see through?"
Would you be willing to sign an exclusive movie deal /book deal/Documentry portraying your adventures/misadventures on Mars?
The make a wish foundation are going to have a field day with all the kids that want to have a talking pony.
"To Fireball, I heard that dragons collect hoard. Is it true for you? And what's the thing of your hoard that you missed the most if you do?"
I'm just imaging the millions of people flocking to where the ponies will be landing.
I'd like to know how the equestrians will feel about meeting other humans when they rendezvous with the Hermes. Also I'd like to know what they think of some of the more modern entertainment getting beamed to them.
To Dragonfly: Have you ever tried listening to the universe in general? If so, or if you decide to try it, what does it say?
Should have gone before we left? Why can't I get the image out of my head Spitfire does that habitually before most flights, either as a pegasus or a Wonderbolt? "Don't want to be carrying unnecessary weight."
"Mark, in the event Hermes has to take the long way back, will your roleplaying games continue? Do you plan to expand them to include the rest of the Hermes crew, and who among the eleven of you would have the most evil gamemaster laugh?"
Another question:
"Once you board Hermes, which film, book, or tv series will you want to request downloaded to recommend for your alien friends?"
LOL!!
Yeah, makes me think that was said to Mark off camera in the movie because of shaving, trimming, hygiene, toe jam removal, and stuff.
Qurstion: I got nothin'.
Didn't Spitfire already do that?
I keep thinking about all the questions they'll get about whether ponies and humans are 'compatible?
Do "other considerations" include shaving ponies too?
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/534/584/b72.png
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Also to Fireball again.
"Can you tell us your most memorable space experience except this one of course?"
question for mark or the group: If able to, would you introduce the friends you made up there to 'Shadowrun'?
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Those considerations being having to shave your fellow crew members.
Here's one for Spitfire or Starlight (which even would be the most interesting) "Do you know how to dance?"
9177980
Not only is the answer 'yes, I'm pretty sure that is exactly what she is referring to.
To the crew - "Considering that the lot of you have spent more than a year together at this point, what kind of bond do you think you have between each other, and do you see that bond remaining so even once you return home?"
To Cherry Berry - "Have you heard of the Legendary Pilot 'Launchpad McQuack'? If you haven't, ask Mark."
To Spitfire - "You've been on Mars in an environment where you're subjected to 1/3rd of a G for over a year and a half. Have you, or anyone else there, given thought as to how you're going to handle returning to an environment of 1 full G? I'm sure long term effects of extended low gravity exposure has been on one of your minds for a while now, but short term might prove troublesome if you're not prepared."
To Starlight Glimmer - "I'm sure you've been introduced to how electronics work quite well at this point. Would you describe magic as something to computer code for rewriting reality? Or would you describe it like a fundamental force? Also, I've got an anatomy class back here about to skin me alive if I don't ask you. How do you GRASP anything with hooves? The human hand is rather obvious in how it works, but that mechanic doesn't translate so well to a keratin-lined nub. And I don't want to assume anything without some input directly from the horse's mouth... Pun not intended, it's just a human saying."
To Dragonfly - "A lot of people have heard about how you have maintained your suits for all this time, and many of those people are a bit put off by it. But for those of us who can keep our stomachs from overriding our brain cells (and those of us who know where Honey comes from and don't even blink), what can you say about the nature of the 'resin' you have been producing patches from? Are you restricted to organic compounds, or can you safely utilize more volatile chemicals in limited quantities?"
To Fireball - "We know you want to try driving a car. Do you have any ideas as to what kind of cars you'd like to try? We understand you might not know of too many, so feel free to be vague."
To Mark - "How does it feel to have met, lived with, and worked with, what was previously considered mythical creatures?"
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Hell, if it wouldn't put her in genuine mortal danger, Dragonfly could transform into a centerfold. Maybe a rehash of her transformation into Beth.
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And then Starlight plays the straight shooter, saying that of course they're compatible: they've survived over 500 Sols with Mark
At Dragonfly: Can you taste regular food? How would you describe the tastes of different emotions in ways we would understand?
Good job capturing how big of vultures the media are.
To Berry: You've been halfway round Mars already, and have seen a lot of rocks. Which one was your favorite?
How do you feel about starting a small cherry orchard when you get home?
To Fireball: What was the most inconvenient thing about spending so much time in such close proximity with others?
What changes would you make to your spacesuit design to make them better prepared for the vigors of frequent and extended planetary EVA?
To Starlight Glimmer: What useful insights magically speaking, have you gained for your home world from this trip? Any more mundane innovations?
To Dragonfly: What was the strangest use you've ever had for changeling goop? What was the weirdest thing you've had to eat to make it?
To Mark: Do you ever wish your Whinnybago could fly? Ludicrously fast?
What things were unexpectedly useful on your mission? What things were less helpful than designed?
To Spitfire: What is your 'Wonderbolts Breakfast of Champions'?
Do you think you'll ever go to space again?
Spitfire pinup calendar when?
When you get through with this, will you go and add more to CSP, so we can witness Cherry landing on Luna's moon?
Possible Media Questions for the crew:
"You six have been through thick and thin together and have apparently cheated death on more than one occasion. As launch day approaches and your time on Mars draws to an end, how would you describe your relationship with your fellow castaways."
"There have been many dark times on Mars for you all. But what would you say have been the brightest moments?"
"To the "Magic" users in the crew: There has been a good deal of speculation about the nature of your natural power that some are calling "Magic." Would you care to shed some light on this?"
To Mark - what cleric spell from dnd would you want right now
To fireball - what gem would you want the most right now
To cherry - what luxury do you miss the most right now
To dragonfly - what do other emotions taste like
To starlight - what’s the most interesting spell you have casted
To spitfire - how soft are clouds
This is the most I can think of if these have been asked in other chapters sorry
Probably won't get past screening, "To Mark, considering the traditional first thing about learning a language, what are the curse/obscene/bad words of the pony language?"
At least I'm told that's the first thing you learn in a new language.
Mark: How do you feel about making first contact with alien life?
Fireball: What's the one thing you miss about your home the most?
What are your perspectives, as an outsider, on what you've seen of humanity?
What human technology do you think has the most potential for your world? What do you think we could gain most from magic?
With the new discovery of inter-dimensional travel, where do you see spaceflight in the future of exploration?
Given you come from a world of magic, what are your views on religion? Either human or your own.
9178021
Well that's ONE application for an overly-specific teleport spell...
Just saw the open call for questions, so here's some from me. Feel free to paraphrase:
Spitfire: Are you looking forward to being able to fly around in zero gravity again? (My logic is that even in a magicless environment of the Hermes, Spitfire should still be able to "fly" in certain parts of the ship, and since it's all 0g physics, it actually helps her conserve her innate magic and doubles as more PT)
Cherry: Will you feel comfortable being a passenger of a ship that isn't under your command? (While she may not defer to Lewis, Lewis runs Hermes)
Dragonfly: Who do you enjoy mimicking the most?
Mark: As a botanist, how do you feel about Bucknell University's decision to have a recently discovered new species of bush tomato named Solanum watneyi, in honor for cultivating Solanum tuberosum on Mars? (Slapping together some real-world facts with a bit of fiction for this one)
Starlight: What is the most fun you've ever had with magic?
Fireball: What sorts of gems are you looking forward to trying on Earth?
9177888
Out rides a son of Terra,
Far drives the thundering jet,
Up leaps a race of Ponies,
Out, far, and onward yet ---
9177980
That was the point ...
To Cherry Berry: Would you go to Japan for the Cherry Blossom festival?
To Fireball: would you become a gem expert?
To Dragonfly: Would you accept endless hugs from human children? (Second question: would you accept full ownership of Mars?)
To Spitfire: "How did it feel to bust apart a storm on an alien world?
To Starlight: "Is Friendship really Magic?" (Second question: "How does it feel to use magic?")
To Mark: "Ore-Ida has decided to pick you up as a spokesperson to improve the taste of their products, do you want the job?"
there
To any or all of them: "Considering the repeated efforts of Mars to kill all of you, if you could drop a planet destroying bomb on Mars after you leave, would you?"
Spitfire: "Do you plan to do any more centerfold posing?"
To any of the Equestrians: "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?" (No spoiling it, Mark!)
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I don't know what this picture is meant to be but for some reason I am convinced it's the pony equivalent of Chemo therapy wig.
The problem with this is Starlight still has eyelashes, but the only bits the Starlight costume thing exposes are things that lack hair.
to dragonfly - "Hey would you love to have all the video games from the past 40 years or so?"
to fireball - "Hey the movie makers want to hire you as there 1st talking dragon actor no more CGI tech for fake dragons no more!"
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DESOLATION OF SMAUG RERELEASE WITH FIREBALL
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just think no more CGI for talking fantasy stuff you can just call your local dragon and pay him to act..... oh god that also mean a new line of porn too.....
"Dragon Dungeon get the fire put back inside of you part 2"
What do you guys want to drink when you get back to a planet that's not actively trying to kill you?
Cherry Berry, are you going to keep eating cherries until you're tired of 'em?
Mark, are you going to have an anti-potato crusade?
Starlight, will you get tired of eating hay?
Spitfire, how does it feel to be able to fly again?
Dragonfly, what are your thoughts on the politicians of Earth?
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Watney: If I stopped for a moment to actually think things through I still wouldn't be able to answer that question.
Seriously, I'm expecting to spend years With a Psych, answering that question.
Oh question time. Let me see here.
To Cherry Berry: What are your thoughts on witnessing a space craft made from a different species?
To Spitfire:
To Starlight Glimmer: If you can describe the use of your natural energy source you call magic in one word, what would it be?
To Dragonfly: There has been rumors in how you feed on “emotions” from other living things. Some say you scavenge emotions left behind, while others say you extract “love” in how a mosquito feeds on live prey. Care to elaborate in how you sustain yourself on just emotion alone without getting too technical?
To Mark: I read an article saying that the aliens make a “magic field” to help keep themselves strong. Were you ever directly exposed to this “magic field”? If so, has there been any noticeable effects on you?
To Fireball: Have you tried doing push-ups while standing your hands in Mar’s gravity? If so, any differences aside from less things trying to make you face plant the ground?
Remember, there will be a-holes and idiots asking questions too.
Mark, which pony are you banging?
Starlight, if your home dimension never can reach you, how will your group remain together?
and such...