Sol 249
AMICITAS FLIGHT THREE – MISSION DAY 252
ARES III SOL 249
Cherry Berry watched Mark compare dots and dashes drawn on the whiteboard to the cheat sheet he’d written on one of the sample container labels (seven left) and taped to Amicitas’s gutted control panels just above the intact radio controls. “Well?” she asked. “Is Pathfinder talking yet?”
“No,” Mark said. “Not really a surprise. It took two full days of power and heat for it to wake up the first time.”
“Aw.” Cherry’s ears flattened.“I wanted to send a letter to Dr. Shields.”
Mark blinked, setting down the whiteboard. “Having trouble dealing with the storm?” he asked. “I can understand that.”
“No, about the dream I dreamed last night,” Cherry said. “I was back home, and-“
“If it’s a good dream about being home,” Mark said, “I think I don’t wanna hear it. We all have those every night. Well, every night we’re not waking at 3 AM with the cold sweats after dreaming about one of the ten billion ways this planet can kill us.”
Cherry Berry glared at him. “Can I go on?” she asked dryly.
“Oh.” Mark took a renewed interest in the last couple words of the NASA message. “Sorry, go ahead.”
“I was home,” Cherry said. “I was running as fast as I could from Ponyville to… er… to the princesses’s… um…”
“Castle.”
“Yeah, that. I was running late and was afraid I wouldn’t get there in time. But when I got there, I was YEARS late. And the princess said, ‘I will send you to the moon!’ I said I’d already been, but then she said I would go with magic and wouldn’t have a rocket to come back on.”
“That could be a problem,” Mark said cautiously.
“And then she said she… um… word for when a ruler says you have to leave the land and never come back?”
“Exile.”
“Exile? Okay. The princess said she would exile me. I said I already was exile, on Mars. Then she said she would send me to the moon of the place she exile me to!”
“What?”
“And then I’m on this little moon, and there is Mars, just like the first time we saw it through ship windows. And the worst part is…” Cherry took a deep breath to steady herself before exploding with, “The moon was shape like a big potato!”
“That sounds about right,” Mark said.
Cherry’s mental train jumped the track, with widespread destruction and calamity, if her face was to be believed. “What?”
“Mars has two itty bitty moons,” Mark said. “They’re both shaped like potatoes. Really.”
Bits of Cherry’s brain began slotting back into place. She stared at Mark. “Mars has potato moons?” she said.
“Well, one’s about ten miles across and the other is about half that, and they’re made of rock,” Mark said. “But they look like potatoes.”
Cherry’s stare became a glare. “Potato. Moons?”
“Afraid so.”
“Mark, I do not feel like jokes now.”
“I’ll show you the pictures. You can judge for yourself.”
Cherry Berry took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “This would not be thing,” she said, “if you had princess to guard dreams like a proper species.”
“Um. Yeah. Okay,” Mark said, picking up the marker to begin composing his reply message to Earth.
“THIS BUCKING PLANET AND ITS FLANK-KISSING POTATOES!!”
Starlight Glimmer put her hooves over her ears as Cherry Berry’s nonstop flood of invective ran into its second minute.
“I tried to tell her it wasn’t a joke,” Mark said. On the screen in front of him were several images of space rocks which, if you were of a certain mind, looked like slightly shriveled and pitted potatoes.
Starlight didn’t answer.
“I don’t think I’ve heard the same word twice,” he continued. “Has she repeated any?”
“No.” She’d been at ground zero three times when Cherry blew her top, and she never repeated profanities during her fits.
“Does the pony language even have that many bad words?”
“No.” Cherry had already exhausted Equestrian, Prench, Germane, Japonese, and Griffon and was currently working her way through ancient Minotauran.
“Would you teach me some of-“
“NO.” Not that Mark hadn’t used several of them by accident during his attempts to learn and speak Equestrian, but for the sake of avoiding mutual embarrassment she was never going to explain that to him.
At about that point Cherry began the English profanities, straight from the glossary Mr. Mitch Henderson had sent upon request.
In fact, she took them in order. Perfectly. Without missing one, skipping one, or taking any out of order. And then she went into Annie Montrose’s appendix.
“You’d think she was the one eating fifteen spuds a day instead of five.” Mark commented.
Starlight grit her teeth, pushed her hooves a bit harder against her ears (not that it helped), and refrained from explaining how Cherry might have responded if Mars had a third moon that in any way resembled a hay bale.
The Hab might burn down.
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I can already envision the reception awaiting them after their rescue.
A grand banquet with all sorts of Earth delicacies: baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, scalloped potatoes, french fries, potato casserole...
Phobos and Deimos are hurt, they good boys they didn't do nothing.
And now there won't be any Doom demons in those moons because Cherry scared the everliving hellfire out of the Icon of Sin.
I find it mildly ironic that for a show that has never used a swear word higher than some variation of damn, the denizens of Cherry's world have a lot of profanity.
Aww, I bet some potatoes would cheer her right up.
god(and Faust) forbid cherry berry gets a hold on the reality stone... (they would get off mars because of that but not before she wipes potatoes from reality)
I felt a great disturbance in the asteroid belt, as if millions of rocky spuds suddenly cried out in terror...
Do you ever notice how much Phil Collins looks like a potato?
8949155 Well, they clean things up for the tiny tots, don't you see.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLlTlYfqQV4
8949137
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
am sorry i just lost it when i read that oh dear lord i world love to read that when they made it to earth and cherry worst nightmare happen when she went to earth "No cherry can be sent to NASA given they found you love them all the kids and grown-ups been buying them all up everywhere" and her blacking out
For MASH, get SMASHed.
Ah, that was it, for treatment of potato psychosis, use the Rincewind method.
Or was that to stop Liking potatos in every way?
To the Pratchett Mobile.
I have the slight suspicion Cherry really doesn´t like potatoes.
Stimulating Scary Spuds Scaring Silly Shortened Space Pony
That hurt my brain a bit, lol.
I hope the cherry trees give a harvest before they leave. Poor CB needs them worse than anyone else.
8949137
that be like someone handing Gilligan a coconut after being rescued or the party after Tom Hanks was rescued in Castaway
In my head, I'm imagining Cherry fully kitted out in her EVA suit, and is standing outside the Hab at night.
She has one hoof pointed toward the sky, and is screaming her various profanities directly at Phobos and Deimos passing by overhead. The others are just listening to her ranting through comms.
8949137
Ever wonder how far a table laden down with potato products could fly when a human, three ponies, a dragon, and a changeling all decide to simultaneously flip it? Because that's what'd happen.
And yes, I know that Dragonfly doesn't eat them, and technically neither does Fireball (he could if he had to, were it not for the cave crystals), but still.
8949175
She'd turn Mars into a giant cherry, and eat her way through it like the bugs in James and the Giant Peach
Slightly alternate timeline in which the data stick containing Mark’s entertainment stash was availible...
At what point would all copies of “Addicted to Spuds” (from the Weird Al collection) be deleted?
Or would Fireball or Dragonfly keep hidden personal copies with which to troll the others?
8949334
I suspect it would make it a fortnight before being deleted.
No amount of trolling is worth how happy Weird Al is about those Potatoes. NONE!
Its also worth noting that in this universe, if that stick had been available, the amount of times Mark would have to explain the jokes to the ponies would make the songs over all, less funny.
To use one of his most popular classics as an example, The Saga begins isn't as funny without seeing Star Wars. Nor is Fat as funny without having listened to Bad.
8949137
Potato skins, potato soup, a bag of chips,...
And saying a sudden change of diet would be dangerous, so they will have to transition slowly.
I’m not surprised Equestrian doesn’t have a lot of swear words. Most of theirs are actually considered kiddie insults in English and there are other languages out there that not even Equestrian sailors (and Princess Luna) would use.
8949207
I'm a little surprised they got away with 'flying feather'.
8949498
Potato salad, potatoes au gratin, potato pancakes...
At which point they stage a mutiny, holding their nutritionists at spork-point until they're given a bushel of cherries and a bottle of ketchup.
Memorizing an enumeration of all the invectives ever may or may not be particularly useful, but gosh if that isn't an impressive display.
Don't tell Cherry about the game Marathon. the titular starship was converted from Deimos, and was a generation ship to boot. The prospect of spending one's life inside a giant potato might drive her insane.
8949545
I like potato pancakes they’re pretty tasty
8949439
I'm giving up.
It's just no use.
Another case
Of spud abuse!
<insert witty potato joke here>
Now I wanna know how the dream has ended.
That makes me wonder how long Starlight herself was going on about certain purple pony princess, her stupid friends, treacherous villagers, cutie marks, that cold moist cave she's in and so on
I really liked this chapter because it's the most we've seen Cherry talk in a while!
Status update: I finished transcribing River Babble's Mark Watney portion of the song: i.imgur.com/l0UNDxQ.png
I'm putting the transcribing of Kris's version on the back burner because at least one other reader (Epiphany or KwirkyJ) is transcribing that, though they're not regarding the detailed notes Kris sent me about how he imagined his melody. I still have those saved. Kris, if you can get a recording to me of your song with a metronome so I can know what the rhythm is and where the measures begin, I'd be happy to work more on transcribing your version. I want to do it exactly as you had it in your head, with as little guessing as possible. I'm working with River as much as I can with her on her version.
Also, I again say to any interested readers: Please PM me if you think you might be interested in recording a part in this song as any of the characters. I'll send you an invite to the Discord server I made.
So many potato jokes, and noone mentioned potato knishes?
Hahaha!! Forgot about Phobos and Deimos being shaped like potatoes.... And the millions of asteroids in the Belt...
*rants in Belter creole*
I pity the being or beings that offer Cherry a potato based meal after they get off Mars. Because I am pretty damn sure she'd buck them to Timbuktu.
That's no moon. Its a potato,
8949860
Shouldn't Mark be the one hating potatoes, given his current forced diet?
8949893
He probably does but he hides it in snark.
8949860
Was Timbuktu a reference to Giddy Up, or just a random place? because I can't get this out of my head now.
though we might want to add "This little horsey Schiaparelli crater" in there too now.
wow, what a clever take-off of the "banished and locked up" gag!
8949893 The ponies have also been padding their diet with potatoes to conserve on alfalfa.
8949915
just a random place i chose but I do know of that video and love it.
Here I lost it.. staring with flank-kissing potatoes. Then it continued until hay bale. I could not stop laughing for almost 30 minutes until it started to hurt. You're evil. *falls over, twitching*
8949648
Didn't same happened in Knight of Sidonia? The seed ship looked like Deimos had baby with Imperial Interdictor.
I actually live potatoes but I would probably go as crazy as she did if u had to eat them every day. Here is hoping she gets some cherry's soon.
I lost it there. Oh, that was funny.
8949891
Thank you. I got this giant grin on my face right now that won't go away.
There's no helping it. You write the BEST Cherry Berry! Tumbleweed probably writes the best Golden Harvest, but you definitely write the best Cherry Berry.
8949915
Speaking of which, orchestral version inbound