• Member Since 8th Nov, 2014
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Pony with a Pen

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to not write about ponies. When I have those moments, I write about ponies.


No really, Princess Celestia has a lot of sex. Really. Cadance's claims to the contrary are unfounded, wholly false, and her concern over the matter is entirely misplaced. There is absolutely no reason to continue discussing the matter. So let's just drop the subject completely and move on.


Featured on 12/31/17

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 130 )
Zaknel #1 · Jan 1st, 2018 · · 7 ·

Men are always boasting about sexual activities that they probably never had. It's nice to see the tables turn.

What in the actual blue hypnotic f*cks did I just read and why is it so god damned hilarious?

That last line killed me :rainbowlaugh:

Honestly? I have no idea :p

Glad you enjoyed it!

My Little Pony: Promoting equality for all in the weirdest ways, amirite?

Celestia: "Please, the proper term is "herd humping"."

This is pretty funny

That guard was on point though, coming to back up his princess.

To be fair, it would be extremely difficult for Princess Celestia especially to try and have a normal romantic relationship with another pony. Not only do most ponies have a hard time treating her the same as they would a normal pony, but she and whomever she would be interested in would be under constant scrutiny by the media and possibly the nobles.

This deserves a sequel explaining what the fuck.

Oh god... I think I nearly choked on something while laughing my head off to this piece.:rainbowlaugh: Great shit!

To be honest, you could build this far beyond a one-shot to a good comedy/romance series. I could totally see Cadance trying to help all three of her fellow princesses find love, and realizing almost immediately how hopeless they all are.

And then, when everything's finally said and done, she'll still need to work on education reform...

The air shimmered, and the two guards vanished, leaving a pair of flustered alicorns in their places. Luna's eyes danced with laughter, while Twilight's blush was almost incandescent.

"Orgies," Celestia repeated, resisting the almost magnetic attraction that had grown between her hoof and her muzzle.

Luna shrugged. "It was the best I could come up with at the spur of the moment."

Celestia sighed. "It's just as well Cadance didn't notice your arrival, but how did you even know to come?"

Twilight looked up from her study of the floor long enough to reply. "Err, Shiny can get, well, loquacious sometimes when he's inspecting the miniatures, and he was considering a siren temptress when, umm..." she trailed off.

"Say no more," Celestia snorted, before fixing the two of them with a look. "Well, you may have satisfied Cadance for the time being, but now she expects us to bed our guards. Any plans for that?"

Two pairs of ears wilted, and Celestia's hoof lost it's battle to stay apart from her brow.

Similar premise/punchline? Hopefully, I didn't unintentionally copy someone else's idea.

I'm not familiar with the story, would you mind linking it?


No story that I know of - that was just how I was interpreting your story as I read it. Your ending didn't rule it out, so I just wrote a quick little riff building on it. Hope you don't mind :twilightblush:

Good old royal guard, having their princess's back like that.

Let's be honest any guy backing up the Princess' sex life would vouch that she could put a succubus to shame and host secret orgies.

Please make a sequel, one where Luna shares WAY too much on what ponies dream about concerning sex. Or perhaps she and Cadance go dream hopping and see things that can never be unseen.

Another one can be that after Cadance has a talk with Twilight, the latter thinks/misunderstands that Celestia wants to have an orgy with her and her friends.

All that build up for an orgy joke.


This is either a firing or a raise.

Luna: "frankly, if you could see everyone's wet dreams, you'd probably be put off sex for life as well."

They're not much for villainous threats, but the Royal Guard are total bros for the royal rep.

I chuckled.
So thanks for that.

I mean, let's be honest for a moment... is there a single guard (Shining Armor aside) that wouldn't join an orgy with the princess(es) if ordered (or even asked if (s)he wanted) to? I think these two guards are either officially a part of some royal harem now, or they are fired and won't be able to get a job ANYWHERE because this incident...

Hue hues were had.

Also she's too tall for basically any stallion in Equestria to mount.

That does not matter laying in bed. Besides, having trouble once in a while with sex would be worth it to get access to thousands of years of experience, even if it is lack luster.

Nothing some careful contortion's and a bit of rope can't fix

That last line killed me. :rainbowlaugh:

Perhaps Luna and Twilight find out and, begrudgingly, they agree to invite Celestia to a celebratory orgie. To make her feel more accepted.

Ah, okay! :pinkiehappy:

I wasn't expecting much of a response to this, let alone such an overwhelmingly positive one, so I might write a sequel. We'll see

I'd go with a raise. I mean, they had her back without even thinking about it. That's tough loyalty to get.

Or both.

I feel like Sex Ed. and Relationship Ed. should be two different courses, Cadance. :trixieshiftright:

really thought cadence was gonna let Celestia stew a bit further.

but then again, i too, always forget the guard is there as background ponies.


Also, she's hella big. :trollestia:

And now I'm reminded the fanony bit that the reason the Royal Guards are mostly useless is because they're Celestia's boytoys and picked for good looks rather than any kind of military competence.


Nah, sex ed and relationship ed are pretty intertwined. Especially given how many presumptions folks have about the two & how they relate.

Back to the story, I do love how the guards spring to Celestia's defense... even if it's to exaggerate her sexual appetite.

I simply loved this, sequel please, or you know four. :twilightsmile:

Can 2018 beat out 2017 for most blatant titles?

And since Celestia wouldn't want her guards to be liars, time to get started!

Constant exposure to strange and unique fetishes can give you said strange and unique fetishes.


featuring you, Luna, Twilight, and myself.

Ending quotation mark

Thanks for the correction! I've edited the story.

Honestly, I'm surprised that people haven't found more mistakes. :twilightblush:

Nah my dude, you've gotta give yourself more credit.

Also, I'm a nerd. I'll usually find a bunch more errors than most people. Just wanted to be laid back for now, so maybe I missed some too xD

Don't worry, I'm not much for self-depreciation :raritywink: It's more that I have enough experience to know just how many errors can slip by when relying exclusively on self-editing.

Fair enough. I can respect that you know yourself like that.


Or they get KP duty for a week for the implications of what they said, but a raise for getting Cadence out of Celestia's mane.

That is an aspect of Luna's duties one wonders about. I tend to also wonder how many ponies dislike the intrustion into their privacy.

I really respect those guards

The ultimate wingmen, er ponies, well only one had wings... er..

well their upstanding actions speak volumes for their loyalty regardless.

As a side note, there is zero chance Candace didn't see right through that ruse. Also a 100% chance of her taking advantage of said ruse to further her plans.

Cute, funny, and probably super accurate. You could really take off with this concept into a longer story, where Cadance untangles the Maniac McGee Nightmare that must be her peers' emotional baggage.

I want in those orgies. Where do I sign up?

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