Celestia Has A Lot of Sex

by Pony with a Pen

I Mean, A LOT of Sex

Celestia took a small sip from her tea—chamomile. Very calming.

“I’m so glad Sunburst was able to watch Flurry Heart while you and Shining Armor are visiting Canterlot. It’s been so long since we’ve just sat down and had tea together.”

“Too long, Auntie.” Cadance stretched out on her pillow and let out a contented sigh. “Though I wish Shining wouldn’t run off to a gaming store every time we visit a city outside the Crystal Empire.”

“Stallions will be stallions.”

“I suppose, and now that Flurry is a little older, Sunburst and the castle staff should finally be able to watch her on their own. Shiny and I can finally relax once in a while, even if we prefer different activities.”

Celestia raised her hoof to cover a giggle. “And what activities will you be filling all that free time with?”

“Oh, I can think of a few things,” she said with a blush, “but I want to focus more on my responsibilities as the Princess of Love. With everything that’s happened over the past few years, both in the Crystal Empire and across Equestria, I haven’t had much time to fulfill my role as a Princess.”

“You’ve done a wonderful job as a Princess, Cadance. Better than I ever could have hoped.” Celestia replied warmly. Tilting her head, she continued, “What responsibilities are you referring to?”

Cadance pulled herself up onto her forehooves. “I’ve governed the crystal ponies and helped defend Equestria, but those are things that anypony could do in my position. My role and responsibilities as the Princess of Love include more than that.”

“Just like how Luna and I’s responsibilities include more than deciding what color streamers to hang at our next garden party,” Celestia said with a wry smile.

“Yes!” she giggled. “It’s my duty to spread love across Equestria—to help and educate ponies in all matters related to romance and sexuality.” Cadance clapped her hooves together. “Oooh, even thinking about it excites me.”

Celestia took a final sip of tea, draining the cup, before offering a soft smile to her niece. “You’ve been thinking about this for some time, haven’t you?”

“For months and months, but I’ve done more than thinking about it,” Cadance replied giddily.

“I thought that might be the case.” Celestia set her now empty teacup down and looked across the table at her niece as Cadance practically vibrated with excitement. “So, what’s your diabolical plan to take over Equestria with the power of love?”

“Mwahahaha, my plan is already in motion!” Cadance said, doing her best impersonation of a Daring Do villain. “Three weeks ago, I contacted some of the Crystal Empire’s most influential educators and gave them the details of my dastardly plot—rewriting the Sex & Relationships education curriculum.”

“Goodness knows that it needs a thorough rewrite,” Celestia replied, rolling her eyes at her niece’s horrendous impersonation skills. “I think it was last updated when Shining and Twilight’s parents were in school.”

“It’s been longer than that actually.” Cadance swiped a cookie from the table and took a bite. “Might be time to raise the education budget.”

“Mmmnn, or strongly encourage somepony to retire.” Celestia gently lifted a teacake in her magic and studied the intricate frosting decoration covering the delicacy. “I know it’s early in the process, but what would you like to change about the curriculum?”

Shoving the rest of the cookie into her mouth, Cadance wiped her face with a napkin and brought a hoof to her chin. “Focusing on healthy relationships and interactions rather than physical intimacy is a good start. The textbook would certainly benefit from including better diagrams and fewer metaphors, as well as a slang dictionary. What I’d really like to do, though, is start a campaign about sexuality and relationships featuring you, Luna, Twilight, and myself."

“How interesting,” Celestia said, daintily nibbling on her teacake. “An informational campaign featuring ourselves would receive a great deal of attention. It’s a wonderful idea.”

Cadance smiled proudly. “I’d like to think so. As the leaders of Equestria, it’s our responsibility to set the precedent for healthy relationships and sexuality.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more.” Celestia said, setting her half-eaten teacake down. “I can assure you that you’ll have my full support when the time comes.”

Releasing a long, relieved sigh, Cadance said, “I’m glad to hear you say that. I’m really, really glad to hear you say that.”

A short giggle escaped from Celestia’s lips. “Were you that worried? I almost always love your ideas, dear.” Lifting the teapot, she slowly poured more tea into her cup.

“I know, I know,” Cadence replied, brushing her mane away with a hoof. “I was just so worried that you wouldn’t agree to take part in the campaign, since you, Luna, and Twilight are all so completely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships and sex.”

Tea gently flowed over the edges of Celestia’s teacup.

“We have a lot of work ahead of us if you want to take part in this initiative, but if you’re willing to work with me, then I’m sure that Luna and Twilight will be too.”

Underneath Celestia’s tea plate, a orangish-brown spot lazily spread across the tablecloth.

“Oh, I can’t wait to get started!” Cadance exclaimed.

Celestia looked down at the hot, wet liquid dribbling down her legs as tea continued pouring onto the table. Looking back up at her niece, Celestia calmly set the teapot down, picked up a napkin, and gently dried herself without breaking eye contact. “What exactly do you mean by, ‘dysfunctional’?”

“Well,” Cadance replied, “outside of the Elements of Harmony, you have no close relationships that aren’t somehow related to you.”

“That’s not entirely—”

“Speaking of close relationships, no one can remember the last time you went on a date. Be honest now—there’s no need to be ashamed—when was your last serious romantic relationship? Your last suitor must have been centuries ago.”

“N-no,” Celestia nearly sputtered, covering with a self-conscious cough. “It hasn’t been that long.”

“And that would be fine,” Cadance continued, ignoring her aunt’s obvious lie, “if you were intimate with somepony once in a while. A friend with benefits, a casual fling, maybe a consort or secret lover—something, anything. I know you’re kind of prudish, but this is a new era. Sex isn’t just for stallions, you know. Mares are allowed to have fun too.”

“I have sex,” Celestia shot back. “I have a lot of sex.”

Cadance snorted incredulously. “Puh-lease, Auntie. We both know that it’s probably been nearly a millennium since your last roll in the hay.”

“I’m sorry, Niece, but that simply isn’t true,” Celestia said, crossing her forehooves.

“Mmhhmm, sure.”

*Cough* “Excuse me, Princess Cadance?” *Cough*

Cadance and Celestia turned towards the unfamiliar, husky voice. Beside the door, two guards stood watch, a pegasus stallion and a unicorn mare. The pegasus stood silently while waiting for permission to speak, which the Princesses granted.

“I can confirm that Her Highness, Princess Celestia, does have a lot of sex.”

Two pairs of alicorn eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Really?” Cadance nearly shouted. “Oooohhh, with who? Tell me! Tell me!”

“Um, you know… stallions. Lots of stallions. And mares too. Isn’t that right?” The pegasus turned to the other guard.

“What?” The unicorn mare hissed at her counterpart, before snapping back towards the Princesses. “Uh, yeah… I mean, I mean… Yeah! I—I wasn’t even into mares until I had sex with Her Royal Heiny—I mean Highness.”

Princess Celestia’s eyes nearly burst out of her head.

“My aunt does the sideways pony polka with her royal guards?!” Cadance asked excitedly.

“Of course!” the stallion exclaimed, casting an apologetic glance at Celestia. “We’re here to protect the Princess and help fulfill all of her needs—both physical and emotional.”

“Polyamory, huh?” Cadance looked her aunt in the eye, or at least tried to. Celestia’s eyes darted around the room as if they were trying to find an escape from this conversation. “I never would have guessed it.”

“Oh yeah,” the mare piped back in, “she just has so much love in her heart.”

“Sometimes we have these big orgies,” the stallion added, “because there’s just so much love.”

“Don’t get me started on the orgies,” the mare said, glaring at the pegasus standing next to her. “But really, you have nothing to worry about, Your Highness. Princess Celestia is far healthier than you realize—physically, emotionally, and sexually.”

“Wow, I can see that now,” Cadance mused, smiling at her aunt. “I had no idea you had such an interesting dynamic with your guards.”

“Yes, there are many things you don’t know about me, dear,” said Celestia as she stared off into oblivion.

“Well, I should probably go check on Shiny now,” Candance said as she rose from the table. “Last time I left him alone in Canterlot, he bought 42,000 bits’ worth of Ogres & Oubliettes merchandise.”

“You do that, dear.”

“Bye, Auntie Celestia!”

“Bye, Dear.”

After the guards closed the doors behind Cadance, Celestia slowly, calmly turned to her guards.

“Orgies, really?”

Comments

[Zaknel]

Men are always boasting about sexual activities that they probably never had. It's nice to see the tables turn.

[Skijarama]

What in the actual blue hypnotic f*cks did I just read and why is it so god damned hilarious?

[ArtyTheReader]

That last line killed me

[Pony with a Pen]

8641526
Honestly? I have no idea :p

8641547
Glad you enjoyed it!

8641490
My Little Pony: Promoting equality for all in the weirdest ways, amirite?

[Harmony Pie]

Hm

[WanderingPony]

Celestia: "Please, the proper term is "herd humping"."

[Boof Man]

This is pretty funny

[artofwar77]

That guard was on point though, coming to back up his princess.

[Hopeful_Ink_Hoof]

To be fair, it would be extremely difficult for Princess Celestia especially to try and have a normal romantic relationship with another pony. Not only do most ponies have a hard time treating her the same as they would a normal pony, but she and whomever she would be interested in would be under constant scrutiny by the media and possibly the nobles.

[Armyidiot]

This deserves a sequel explaining what the fuck.

[The Bricklayer]

Oh god... I think I nearly choked on something while laughing my head off to this piece. Great shit!

[Mythic Night]

To be honest, you could build this far beyond a one-shot to a good comedy/romance series. I could totally see Cadance trying to help all three of her fellow princesses find love, and realizing almost immediately how hopeless they all are.

And then, when everything's finally said and done, she'll still need to work on education reform...

[Caliaponia]

The air shimmered, and the two guards vanished, leaving a pair of flustered alicorns in their places. Luna's eyes danced with laughter, while Twilight's blush was almost incandescent.

"Orgies," Celestia repeated, resisting the almost magnetic attraction that had grown between her hoof and her muzzle.

Luna shrugged. "It was the best I could come up with at the spur of the moment."

Celestia sighed. "It's just as well Cadance didn't notice your arrival, but how did you even know to come?"

Twilight looked up from her study of the floor long enough to reply. "Err, Shiny can get, well, loquacious sometimes when he's inspecting the miniatures, and he was considering a siren temptress when, umm..." she trailed off.

"Say no more," Celestia snorted, before fixing the two of them with a look. "Well, you may have satisfied Cadance for the time being, but now she expects us to bed our guards. Any plans for that?"

Two pairs of ears wilted, and Celestia's hoof lost it's battle to stay apart from her brow.

[Pony with a Pen]

8641694
Similar premise/punchline? Hopefully, I didn't unintentionally copy someone else's idea.

I'm not familiar with the story, would you mind linking it?

[Caliaponia]

8641786

No story that I know of - that was just how I was interpreting your story as I read it. Your ending didn't rule it out, so I just wrote a quick little riff building on it. Hope you don't mind

[AzureShade]

Good old royal guard, having their princess's back like that.

[EmperorOfDarkness]

Let's be honest any guy backing up the Princess' sex life would vouch that she could put a succubus to shame and host secret orgies.

Please make a sequel, one where Luna shares WAY too much on what ponies dream about concerning sex. Or perhaps she and Cadance go dream hopping and see things that can never be unseen.

Another one can be that after Cadance has a talk with Twilight, the latter thinks/misunderstands that Celestia wants to have an orgy with her and her friends.

[fanreader999999]

All that build up for an orgy joke.

WORTH IT

[Seether00]

This is either a firing or a raise.

[B_Munro]

Luna: "frankly, if you could see everyone's wet dreams, you'd probably be put off sex for life as well."

[BadTouch]

They're not much for villainous threats, but the Royal Guard are total bros for the royal rep.

I chuckled.
So thanks for that.

[Honey Lavender]

I mean, let's be honest for a moment... is there a single guard (Shining Armor aside) that wouldn't join an orgy with the princess(es) if ordered (or even asked if (s)he wanted) to? I think these two guards are either officially a part of some royal harem now, or they are fired and won't be able to get a job ANYWHERE because this incident...

[Xuncu]

Hue hues were had.

[KitsuneNoYomeiri]

8641626
Also she's too tall for basically any stallion in Equestria to mount.

[Chardora Magelight]

8642336
That does not matter laying in bed. Besides, having trouble once in a while with sex would be worth it to get access to thousands of years of experience, even if it is lack luster.

[Duelist925]

8642336
Nothing some careful contortion's and a bit of rope can't fix

[Sollace]

That last line killed me.

[Sollace]

8642015
Perhaps Luna and Twilight find out and, begrudgingly, they agree to invite Celestia to a celebratory orgie. To make her feel more accepted.

[Pony with a Pen]

8641796
Ah, okay!

8641631
8642015
8641675
I wasn't expecting much of a response to this, let alone such an overwhelmingly positive one, so I might write a sequel. We'll see

[Raven]

8642161
I'd go with a raise. I mean, they had her back without even thinking about it. That's tough loyalty to get.

[Rokas]

8642161
Or both.

[Aegis Shield]

I feel like Sex Ed. and Relationship Ed. should be two different courses, Cadance.

[resonance]

really thought cadence was gonna let Celestia stew a bit further.

but then again, i too, always forget the guard is there as background ponies.

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/073/958/c9b.png

[Lurks-no-More]

8641626
Also, she's hella big.

And now I'm reminded the fanony bit that the reason the Royal Guards are mostly useless is because they're Celestia's boytoys and picked for good looks rather than any kind of military competence.

[MasqueRaccoon]

8642793

Nah, sex ed and relationship ed are pretty intertwined. Especially given how many presumptions folks have about the two & how they relate.

Back to the story, I do love how the guards spring to Celestia's defense... even if it's to exaggerate her sexual appetite.

[Snowliasion]

I simply loved this, sequel please, or you know four.

[I Wrote A Story Once]

Can 2018 beat out 2017 for most blatant titles?

[SpinelStride]

And since Celestia wouldn't want her guards to be liars, time to get started!

[EverfreeSparkle]

8642170
Constant exposure to strange and unique fetishes can give you said strange and unique fetishes.

[abronie]

lol
----------

featuring you, Luna, Twilight, and myself.

Ending quotation mark

[Pony with a Pen]

8643506
Thanks for the correction! I've edited the story.

Honestly, I'm surprised that people haven't found more mistakes.

[abronie]

8643527
Nah my dude, you've gotta give yourself more credit.

Also, I'm a nerd. I'll usually find a bunch more errors than most people. Just wanted to be laid back for now, so maybe I missed some too xD

[Pony with a Pen]

8643563
Don't worry, I'm not much for self-depreciation It's more that I have enough experience to know just how many errors can slip by when relying exclusively on self-editing.

[abronie]

8643631
Fair enough. I can respect that you know yourself like that.

[Kage no Brony]

8642269

Or they get KP duty for a week for the implications of what they said, but a raise for getting Cadence out of Celestia's mane.

[Needling Haystacks]

8642170
That is an aspect of Luna's duties one wonders about. I tend to also wonder how many ponies dislike the intrustion into their privacy.

[ObamnaSoda]

I really respect those guards

[Killerokie]

8643910
The ultimate wingmen, er ponies, well only one had wings... er..

well their upstanding actions speak volumes for their loyalty regardless.

As a side note, there is zero chance Candace didn't see right through that ruse. Also a 100% chance of her taking advantage of said ruse to further her plans.

[Rao the Red Sun]

Cute, funny, and probably super accurate. You could really take off with this concept into a longer story, where Cadance untangles the Maniac McGee Nightmare that must be her peers' emotional baggage.

[nioniosbbbb]

I want in those orgies. Where do I sign up?