The Aristocrats

by Ebola-chan Ganbatte

*Delivered With a Flourish*

“I don't see what the big deal is!” Rainbow Dash’s nails-on-a-chalkboard voice echoed amongst the cavernous throne room. Flicking her hoof firmly from Rarity to Applejack across the expanse of the friendship map between them. “It's just a bit of boot camp!”

Rarity sucked air through her closed teeth, a hiss filling the air, eyes searching the map below. Applejack, next to her, simply kept a flat stare fixed right on the fuss-causing perpetrator. When Rarity finally accepted nothing on the map would interrupt the conversation—of all the times the brain-dead masses of Equestria weren't struggling with some trifling matter—she looked to Applejack.

“Well, Rainbow, it's not that we're against you taking Scootaloo out to Griffon Gorge—” Rarity tapped her hoof on the crystal surface.

“Yeah, we are,” Applejack stated, keeping her stare steadily on the speedster.

“We are,” Rarity corrected. “But, also, should you be taking Scootaloo out?”

Rainbow let out a single hard laugh. “Of course! I'm her big sister. I signed up for that program and everything!”

“For the record,” Applejack interrupted once more, raising a hoof, “I still don't think ridin’ a scooter in the park is delinquent behavior. And if anypony needs a good influence in their life, it's you, Dash.”

Interest piqued, Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “What're you talking about, AJ?”

“You know exactly what I mean.” Applejack narrowed her eyes.

Rarity cleared her throat. “Ladies. Be civil.”

“Did ya even ask her aunts?” rolling her eyes, Applejack asked.

“Aunt and—” Rarity cringed. “—aunt’s friend,” she corrected.

With a swish of her hoof, Applejack figuratively brushed off the comment. “They’re gay, Rarity. Don’t beat around the bush.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes right back. “I take her all the time for stuff. They’re cool with it.”

Starting slow and building, Applejack nodded. “And that's what worries me.”

Slamming her hooves on the map so hard it shook, Rainbow jumped from her seat, coincidentally boasting her cutie mark. “The kid needs to learn to fly!”

Suddenly a bright flash blinded the three mares. When the light died down, in the center of the map stood Twilight Sparkle. “Funny story!” The alicorn started, “So, I was upstairs, compiling a dictionary by frequent use—” she thrust a hoof at Applejack “—fuck you, I don't judge what you do all day—when I hear shouting coming from downstairs.” Scanning the three mares, Twilight turned in circles a few times clockwise. “So I pop down here to see what the hell’s going on—cause I'm weird like that; I hear shouting in my supposed-to-be-empty throne room and I'm thinking I've got to friendship laser somepony's face in.” A glare grew with each cycle. “Imagine my surprise when I find you three sitting here. In my house. Uninvited.” Twilight came to a stop, locking eyes with Rainbow Dash.“Why are you in my house?”

“Neutral ground,” Rarity replied with a sweet innocence that caused Twilight to hop down from the friendship map.

“That's not an answer.” Twilight's glare lessened through a taught frown persisted.

“We're tryin’ to get Dash to not take Scootaloo to Griffin Gorge for flight training.” Applejack pressed a hoof to her forehead.

“I get you guys are worried about her safety, but I'm totally responsible!” Rainbow brushed the three judgemental sets of eyes with a swish of a hoof. “I look after a turtle! How hard can it be to look after a kid!”

“For the love of—” Applejack threw her hooves up.

“Applejack, don't.” Rarity narrowed her eyes.

“Okay, I guess we're doing this, so let me invite you in…” Twilight cleared her throat. “Oh, hi, girls! So glad you could show up completely announced and not letting yourselves in!” Twilight turned and waved a hoof at thin air. “Come on in and take a seat.” She then motioned to the chairs Rarity and Applejack already occupied. “Let's talk about Rainbow's inability to legally be within five-hundred feet of a school!” Finally, she narrowed her eyes at the pegasus.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. “That was a misunderstanding!”

A low growl cut the air. Everyone turned to Applejack, the source, locked eyes with Rainbow and clenching her jaw. “I think Apple Bloom understood just fine, and that's why you don't go near her.”

Taking a moment to pick her jaw up off the map, Rainbow swallowed to wet her throat. “Well, I’m not like that with Scootaloo!”

“Like I’d believe that!” Applejack tipped her hat back and leaned forward on her foreleg.

“How’s that over-protective ‘big sister’ schtick going? Still thinking no pony’s run the math on Apple Bloom’s age and when your parents died?” The slightest hint of a smirk spread across Rainbow’s face. “At least she’s purebred Apple, right?”

A literal fire roared in Applejack’s eyes. “Dash!”

“All I’m saying is glass houses, AJ!”

As Applejack and Rainbow locked fierce glares, sparks almost tangibly flying between them, Twilight tapped her cheek. “Honestly, my biggest concern is taking care of Scootaloo’s special needs rather than the ‘kid’ thing.”

“Twilight, no!” Rarity covered her mouth.

“Thank you!” Applejack pointed at Twilight. “I was hopin’ somepony would address the barracuda in the barnyard!”

Quickly, Rainbow stuck her tongue out at Applejack. “That’s why I’m taking her to learn to fly, Apple-dunce!”

It was at that moment Rainbow realized she made a mistake. All eyes fell on her. Not the glares and looks of begrudged tolerance she had gotten since the conversation started. No, these were of concern.

“You do know, right?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Know what?”

“Oh, Rainbow,” Rarity said from behind a hoof as she shook her head.

“Seriously, what?”

A thud broke the momentary silence when Twilight smacked her forehead. “For crying out loud! We’re talking about her down syndrome!”

Rainbow jumped out of her seat, planting her forelegs on the map to brace herself. “Wait, what?” Eyes wide, she jumped from Twilight to Rarity to Applejack more than a few times before shaking her head. “Wait,” she said, calmly as she sat down once more. “Let’s say somepony doesn’t know what that is? I mean, I know, but Applejack looks kinda confused here.”

Once more Applejack glared. “Smooth.”

Twilight stared in disbelief. “Why do you think she can’t fly?”

“Uh, because she needs to build some wing strength and work on her form?” Rainbow leaned back in her seat, a smug smirk sitting slightly on her lips.

“No, Rainbow.” Twilight just shook her head. “It’s because she has down syndrome. Even baby pegasus ponies can fly. Think about it, you were like five when you were in flight school.”

“Tact has just flown right out the window at this point, hasn’t it?” Rarity pinched her eyes shut, pressing a hoof to her forehead.

After a particularly long blink, Applejack sighed. “That train’s long since left the station, Rarity.”

Taking a deep breath, Twilight closed her eyes as she brought a hoof to her chest. “It’s a chromosome abnormality that manifests in a few distinct ways, particularly—” When she opened her eyes she noticed Rainbow’s eyes had already glazed over.

“Banging your head on a brick wall, darling,” Rarity whispered.

“It’s why she can’t fly and looks so small, Rainbow…” Moving her hoof from her chest to her forehead, Twilight sighed.

“What do you mean small?” Rainbow cocked an eyebrow. “She’s a filly. Fillies are small.”

“Don’t drool,” Applejack said smugly.

“Fuck you.”

“Oh, my non-existent God…” Twilight ground the tip deeper into her skin letting the sharp pain wash away the dull ache deep in her brain. “I wasn’t expecting to be at square one…”

“Wait, she didn’t know?” Applejack covered her mouth. Quickly followed, a chorus of chuckles she tried to keep choked down made their way out. “This is rich. Now I wish I had some popcorn.”

Twilight took another deep breath.“Rainbow, Scootaloo’s a thirty-five-year-old mare. Everypony just treats as a filly due to her condition.” After a brief pause, Twilight sighed. “It’s easier that way.”

The annoyance on Rainbow’s face gave way to confusion. Eyes slowly widened from their fixed glare and her taught jaw fell slack. “What?”

“Yes,” Rarity added with a small, nervous chuckle. “She has constant adult supervision at school.”

“Not to mention her mental faculties and maturity mixed with her small stature make her a prime candidate for perpetual schooling.” Twilight stroked her chin before giving a nod. “Also it's a great boost to what I’d imagine is a very fragile sense of self-esteem. So, yeah.”

“She’s…older than me?” Confusion contorted into disgust. “She looks up to me! I’m her hero! I help her do her homework, and look after her, and take her flying!”

“Yeah, and she happens to be a thirty-five-year-old mare with down syndrome too. Bet that's a real kick to the labido, ain't it." Applejack leaned back in her seat.

Silently, Rainbow stood up. She moved towards the door, her hoof over her face. “I feel so lied to…”

Seeing her friend so distraught, Twilight stepped next to her. She placed a wing across Rainbow’s back. “I know, it’s a hard pill to swallow. But that hasn’t changed what you’ve done.”

Rainbow peeked from behind her hoof, a stream of tears running down her face. “What do you mean?”

“Well, Rainbow,” Twilight began. She glanced back to see Rarity spurring her on and Applejack completely disinterested. “While Scootaloo may not be the filly you thought, you’ve still been a… I want to say good influence, but an influence nonetheless. You may not have been helping a future Wonderbolt, but you certainly helped a special pony in need.”

A sniffle came from Rainbow. “Twilight?” she asked, flicking her tear-soaked eyes to the alicorn.

“What is it, Rainbow?”

“I thought I was helping a filly find herself, but now I know the truth. So I just have one question…” Her voice cracked more than usual, racked by her sobs. “Down syndrome isn't an STD, is it? I kinda need to know.”

In an instant, Twilight’s ears fell flat. “Get the hell out of my house, Rainbow.”

The End

Author's Note:

Congrats if you got the reference.

Comments

[DumbDog]

Upvoted!

[Ebola-chan Ganbatte]

8641952
Go home, you're drunk.

[DumbDog]

Voted!

[Waterpear]

8641956
More like voter fraud

[Rao the Red Sun]

I really, really shouldn't be laughing at this. Yet, here we are.

[Majin Syeekoh]

8641979
The Aristocrats!

[Ebola-chan Ganbatte]

8641977
You're on the wrong fic with your fake news, bucko.

8641979
It's okay, we're all horrible people here.

[OmniFox]

Tank is a FRIGGIN TORTOISE!!!!!

[Ebola-chan Ganbatte]

8641991
Tank is actually soup in this story.

[Whitty]

Funniest thing I've read all year!

[Ebola-chan Ganbatte]

8643723
That'll change quickly.

[PresentPerfect]

Goddammit.

[Flash Notion]

okay, so let me see if i got everything-
rainbow is a pedophile
rarity is homophobic
applejack fucked her brother
and twilight's just a bitch
did i miss anything?

also, where's spike with a great punchline? he deserved to weigh in on all this.

[Ebola-chan Ganbatte]

8671034
He was making the soup.

[Icy Shake]

Oh my non-existent god! XD

[Sir Starshine]

Get the hell out of my house, Rainbow.
I loved that. I was expecting something closer to the original joke with the title, but this was hilarious!