The Amazing Adventures of Butter Knife! (& Friends!)

by TheMajorTechie

Dat edge tho.

Author's Note:

I'm not sure if I should be sorry for this.

Meet Butter Knife. A black and blue-maned zigzag-pinstriped alicorn who happened to have all five of her biological parents brutally murdered during her adventures through the WAHOOWOOPDESHOOP...land.

How does she have five biological parents? We don't speak of that.

Also, she's terrible at stabbing things, no matter what she does.

In addition, she has more magical ability than every alicorn combined, plus Tirek, plus Discord, plus Tom the rock. And maybe even Brian the Balloon animal, too. Heck, let's just assume that she has time travel capabilities.

So what are you going to do with your newfound abilities, Butter?

"First off," the dual-tone-maned zigzag-pinstriped alicorn began, smacking her dry lips, "The name is Knife."

Yes, yes go on.

"Second off," she continued, "I've always had those abilities. Ever since I was granted immortality by the great race of Hazboruu during my trek through Wahoowoopdeshoop...uh, land, I've had the ability to traverse time and space in an instant. I can also make a pretty freakin' good milkshake."

I don't remember ever saying anything about your cooking abiliti--

"Shut up." the mare deadpanned, "Your narrating annoys me."

Well too bad, little miss Butter Knife.

The (relatively) small and quite annoyed horny winged horse snorted grumpily.

"Did you just--"

I was describing your horn, sweetheart.

"Don't call me that! It's painstakingly... sweet."

Okay, Bumkins.

"SCREW YOU!"

Geez, Miss Poutyhead. Don't blow a fuse now, we're hardly 231 words in!

"What."

Aaaaanyways, let's bundle you up in this happy little pink sparkly gift box with happy faces and a rainbow ribbon, put that inside a bigger, bubble-wrapped box of cacti, stuff that inside a bank vault, and then send the whole thing hurtling down into... Ponyville!

"Wait, no! Stahp it! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..."

---

The absurdly large bank vault landed with the force of a hundred crazed, hyperactive dancing elephants. Of which sounded like a thud that echoed through the ground, into and out of Derpy's secret underground nuclear bunker, up through the various cottages, and back up into the air, echoing over the small town.

Boom.

"GET ME OUT OF THIS FREAKIN' THING! IT'S STUFFY." Butter Knife ranted from within the nesting-doll equivalent of packaging.

All around town, ponies emerged to gaze at the 20-foot (hoof?) tall behemoth that was the oversized bank vault that now sat in the location of what used to be perfectly placed cobblestones.

"DARNIT!" Spike wailed from beside the bank vault, "I just stacked those!"

Aside from Spike, who went on complaining about his crushed cobble stack, the first being to even approach the giant vault was none other than Rainbow Dash.

And by approach, I mean that she may or may not have been looking when she smacked face-first into the side of the vault with a sickening twang noise emanating from within the vault.

"WHO'S THERE?!" a mildly high-pitched, distorted voice screamed from inside. "I HEARD A KNOCK! WILL SOMEBODY LET ME OUT OF THIS THING, OR DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF?! IT'S SO DARK IN HERE, IT'S ALMOST LIKE MY SOUL."

Upon hearing the complaints of the voice, Twilight lit her horn, focusing her magic on the combo pad.

About 3.141592653 minutes later, a quiet, metallic click sound signalled the unlocking of the vault...

...Only to reveal a hulking cardboard box with an Amazon Prime^TM branded tape sealing the thing.

"Wait. You shipped me to this place through AMAZON?!"

Maybe.

"Geez."

"PINKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Twilight yelled as the pink ponk pronked her way into the vault with a honk.

"I'M GONNA TOUCH THE BOX!" Pinkie hollered in return, punching the side of the cactus-filled somewhat-bubble-wrapped box.

Wait, it's bubble wrapped?!

Yes, Pinkie. Yes it is. Though I'm pretty sure that the heat of the vault containing the box during atmospheric reentry probably melted most of it already. And maybe scorched the box. And probably some cacti.

Aww. Okay.

You do realize that you probably have bubble-wrap in your mane, right?

"WOULD YOU TWO IDIOTS STOP TALKING ALREADY?! I CAN HEAR BOTH OF YOU!"

Ooh! Another pony who can sense beyond the fourth wall? Cool!

"GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU DIMWITS!"

Geez, just let the story go on.

Twilight rolled her eyes, and set Pinkie aside with her magic as she began dragging the box from the vault. Once that task was complete, she immediately set upon opening the aforementioned box... only to fail, because for some unforeseen reason, cacti now nullify any and all magical fields they encounter.

"Urk. You know what, if you're gonna do that, I'll just get out on my own. I don't mind... shedding some blood."

Fine, Butterface.

"ARAAAAAAAAAAGHCK!" the moderate-sized alicorn screeched, tearing cleanly through the first box with her hooves.

"HIAAAAAAIT!" she continued screaming, slashing through the layers of cacti-- sending the lifeblood of the unfortunate victims flying, with her trusty weapon of choice and namesake, Slicey the butter knife.

"Did... did you seriously just narrate me with the noises that Link makes in Ocarina of Time when he attacks?"

Yup.

"...nerd."

Before Twilight was able to turn on her blowtorch to burn her way through the cacti, a lone butter knife stabbed through the confines of the corrugated pulped tree carcass, slowly carving a roughly alicorn-sized hole into the material with the dull blade of the knife.

With a triumphant kick, the cactus-studded black and red, strangely zebralike alicorn emerged wearing a horned top hat, minor bling, a heart locket (Of which may or may not have held her soul), a cape, and a monocle. Of course, almost all of the accessories matched with her inner darkness... and redness... and so-called 'pinstripe' design that definitely wasn't just a ripoff of Zebrican patterns.

"What."

I realized about three hours too late that pony creator's closest body patterning to what would amount to pinstripe was zebra stripes. Also, you look hilarious in that getup.

"What."

Exactly. ON WITH THE STORY!

Fluttershy gasped at the sight of the alicorn emerging from the cactus-filled mildly scorched box. "Oh my," she said quietly, slowly walking towards the pony, "Are you alright? Those cactus spines look like a pain to deal with, maybe... I could help?"

"It's quite alright, for pain is life." Butter Knife deadpanned, tucking her blade under her horned hat, "And life is pain. Without life there is no suffering, and therefore, existence is a burden upon us all. It weighs us down, it makes us suffer... why must we live, when all we do in the end is die? Why should I be kind... when you can always get your way by violence."

...Okay then. I see you're tryharding.

"IT'S NOT AN ACT, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, just like all my friends that abandoned me..."

What was that, Honeybunches? I literally made your character and personality a few hours ago today. Do you really think that I don't know you? Also, what friends?

"Hunfprh."

Haha. Funny noise.

"Grr."

Cue the internal screaming. Three, two... one...

"HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM--"

Oh, shut up already.

Comments

[BradyBunch]

I'm not concerned about the really edgy black-and-red Alicorn Gary Stu. The mocking of such a stupid trope is the reason why I came here.

What I'm really concerned about is the fact that Derpy's the only pony in town that managed to have a functioning underground nuclear bomb shelter!

[Glen Gorewood]

It’s so bad it’s good, the mocking of Gary Stu alicorns is just... bwahahahahahaha.

8883541
I know right? It’s almost like Derpy is secretly a genius or something and is the only pony in the entire town who is fully aware of the actual dangers of living in Ponyville.
Wait, that actually makes perfect sense.

Glen Gorewood

[TheMajorTechie]

8897495
Just wait 'till you read about her companions in the later chapters...

[Stellar_]

This is just the absurdity I needed today

[TheMajorTechie]

8918025
Have some more.
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/443108959130222602/444176441790431255/floorbread.png

[Possibly me]

8918036
I’d probably (near definitely) be willing to eat that bread off the floor. Especially if it’s just the picture printed out. Paper tastes good. (How’s that for absurdity?)

[My Sister Tia]

About 3.141592653 minutes later, a quiet, metallic click sound signalled the unlocking of the vault...

Let me help you out. So far, I know it's about 3.141592653589793238. Hope that helped.