This is the story of a unicorn named Aethyll. Having been a blank flank for many years, discovering her cutie mark proved to be exciting, haunting. and certainly not at all what she expected. As she learns more and more about her special talents, she gradually begins to play a larger role in the rising conflict in Equestria. The ponies Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all must set out together to relinquish the growing threat, but in order to do so, they may need Aethyll's help, even after they deem her as evil.
Chapters (2)
I'm now going to add this to my list
946432
I appreciate it a lot :)
Thanks
Sounds interesting, it'll be on my list.
946680
Appreciated :)
I definitely need to see where this goes. It was just so happy being with Applejack I started suspecting terrible things to begin.
It shifted in tense once and Applejack's name was spelled weird once, but otherwise very clean. I do have one question: how do you pronounce Aethyll. Visually, it's a very pretty name.
952331
Feel free to point out the errors so that I may fix them, and it's pronounced Ay-thill. I created the name myself. I would tell you what the stem word of the name was, but that would be a spoiler ;)
952470 Then I'll refrain from looking it up.
it's in the first biggish paragraph "...promise Aethyll made to Apple Jack" but it's spelled Applejack everywhere else, as it should.
the tense shift, the one I was talking about, is somewhere else, but I also looked at this again. I don't think it's wrong, it just sticks out a bit as a tense shift however I don't think it's wrong. "No one has called her" I can't find the other tense shift.
952549
Thanks for these corrections, I tried my best to clear up everything.
Half way through the second chapter now, could be another day or two.
Hate to say it, but unless something happens soon, with explanation, you're gonna have a Mary Sue on your hands. Otherwise, pretty good work.
1000252
I understand your point and will work to improve on that aspect. However, I don't see how she's a "flawless" character. Yes, she does have some idealistic qualities, but she succumbs to anger and stubbornness in two specific occasions, one more apparent than the other. The first was the turning point in Chapter 1, something I don't think I need to mention in the comments for it's obviousness. The second was during her interaction with Fluttershy.
Then again, this is based off of my definition of a Mary Sue, and I want to emphasize the fact that I will still take your criticism seriously and will work to improve on it.
And there will be an explanation. Will it be soon? You'll have to keep reading to find out
1000378
It's just hard to swallow that suddenly there's a character who's stronger than Celestia, Luna, Twilight, everyone. While it may be true that she has the flaws of "succumbing to anger," it's difficult for this to make up for her absurd amount of power. After all, moments of rage are hardly a major flaw, if even. I don't mean to insult you or your character, just to point out some things that might become issues. Some proper explanation can make up for this, as well as some proper application (as in, what she does after this). Still, your writing style has no flaws, and there is plenty of potential for this story. Have fun, and good luck.
1000533
Hehe...I smiled at your comment because you reminded me of Twilight in the story and the fact that you are just as amazed as she was.
Here, have a small spoiler:
Not everything a character says is exactly what is true. They are all subject to flaws and misconceptions. That is why I believe my writing style is good. If I were to continue writing simple facts, then the story would have no depth whatsoever, and it would be the equivalent of reading a history book, which is boring and unexciting.
If you still don't understand, then I will give you the one small spoiler.
Just because Twilight "thinks" her magic is more powerful doesn't mean that it is. There's more to the story than meets the eye, and everything will be accounted for by the end of it.
To provide more of a satisfying and relieving response, I will just say that I have general outlines for the next 5-6 chapters. What that means to you is that everything you read is still not fully explained. J.K. Rowling didn't talk about horcruxes in Harry Potter until Book 6, but they've been there since the Book 1. That is the best analogy I can provide, and I sincerely thank you for your compliments and criticism.
I see a few things that I've been told are supposedly 'bad ideas' for a fic, here. Name doesn't relate to anything, talent is killing, and is more poweful that other villains. However, I like every one of those things in this fic. I don't even see why there're bad. I'm really enjoying this story. Keep writing!
I have a minor issue. Your metaphor with Aethyll being like the Fire Lillies could be a lot more beautiful. Less telling, more showing. Maybe describe how they're beautiful, but destructive and then a short pause, then Aethyll says something like "I'm just like them." instead of saying right out what your comparison is.
Very interested and ready for next chapter!
1000711 Yeah, just what I was thinking. I'm staying to figure this mystery out. Besides, we all know Twilight tends to exaggerate.
1011599
Thanks for the advice :) Yes, I agree with you about the Fire Lilies and I'll work on changing that.
And I don't want to give away too much, but everything you're reading is all interpreted by the characters; not everything is as it seems.