A pegasister with a lot of heart to go around. No really, please take some. Please.
Another day of no progress on Earth comes to a screeching halt as Adagio Dazzle senses a pulse of Equestrian magic. Rushing to find the source, she and her siren sisters discover the last thing they could have expected. A young girl claiming to be a pegasus stands before them, scared and lost. With nothing else to do and not heartless enough to throw the filly-turned-human onto the street, the three sisters decide to take the buttercream girl into their care.
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Interesting premise but the beginning is a little confusing. Feels like we're missing some context.
8908860
I take it that you mean the very first scene, where Fluttershy is running?
This has all the makings of an intriguing story
One thing I wasn't quite sure about though was why Fluttershy thought 'the mean one was a pegasus,' because at that point Aria hadn't said anything to her, and it had been Adagio kind of making a bad impression.
So they still have their necklaces, but Adagio sensed (or thought she sensed) Equestrian magic once before? Was that CHS, and they tried to investigate but found nothing?
I have some... concerns... about where the characterisation might be going, with Sonata being that protective and the other two being more callous, but I'm definitely interested to read more
8908866
yeah, I figure it's meant to be a mystery but the way we are just thrown right into it is a little disorienting and the timeline is unclear.
8908896
Mmm, thanks for the feedback. The rocks are supposed to be the mystery, not the timeline.
1. Pear Butter is still alive/around.
2. Equestria Fluttershy is a filly and on the ground. She also has her cutie mark.
So, not long after getting her cutie mark.
8908927
Ah OK that would have been my first guess but you might want to get rid of this bit:
Zephyr is her younger brother so this shouldn't be an issue yet if its shortly after she got her cutie mark.
8908879
Thank you! As usual, there are always kinks to work out in a new story.
- The first was more of an implied thing that I need to make clearer. "Mean" is more in reference to Aria's more intimidating look than anything that was said. (Aria's always shown to be frowning and crossing her arms, for example.) That's simple line for me to add in to clear the confusion.
- The "lake incident" is sort of a noodle incident. As far as the portal goes, it's simply a coincidence that they'd never thought to look thoroughly there. The few times they've passed by, the portal was closed.
- As far as the characterization is going, it's all purposeful. Aria and Adagio have been ramped up to be just a little more indifferent/callous than in most fan depictions for the sake of the story. I hope that Sonata's stayed Sonata, though.
Before I read this, I must know: Is the filly Fluttershy or whoever the other tag is for?
8908985
No; that is for a character later on who will come into play. They don't have a tag, and I'm actually somewhat grateful for that.
EDIT: Oooorrr maybe they do. Whoops. Forgot about the recent tag update. I think I'll take that off for now.
Hmmm...this is definitely an interesting premise, but this was really fast. Like, Fluttershy just accepted everything immediately and is along for the ride fast. Hmm....I don't know.
8909019
Thanks for the feedback. I understand that Fluttershy accepting this was a bit fast, but she felt as if there was nowhere else to go. I'll try expanding on that as things go along.
8909040
Sounds good to me.
8908966 I quite understand the needs of the story on characterisation - it wouldn't be much of a story without drama, conflict and one or more antagonists. I just hope it doesn't make the characters less enjoyable.
Regarding Sonata, it probably depends how you see her and stuff. I don't think there's anything in canon to suggest she has any shred more decency and compassion than the other two, she just gets excited about lunch
But it certainly fits that she'd be more likely to care than the other two. The thing that really stood out was that if Adagio is half as clever and quick to adapt here as she was in Rainbow Rocks, she should have realised that immediately and let Sonata do all the befriending while she and Aria kept their distance, because it's more of Sonata's strength. Which she kind of did do, but the fact that she then interrupted it sort of suggests she hadn't meant to or wasn't really thinking.
Nice start to a fic! Hope to see more soon!
Nice start.
I'm wondering when this exactly takes place though.
5$ say they are all going to fall in love with her.
Canon MLP just got screwed to nine kinds of Tarturous now. I’m eager to see this progress.
and yet another great premise left for dead...
edit: it's also a greatly written piece. damn shame it's about a year dead
9611894
I think "left for dead" is a bit too quick a judgment. While my priorities are on other subjects for the moment, there's a good reason this story isn't canceled or on hiatus. This will still see updates soon!
9611916
i sure hope so
and i apologize for jumping to conclusions
i've just seen that song and dance way too many times and thought i was in for another tired rehash
9611954
It's alright. The reason that I jumped onto the comment as quickly as I did was that I know that you aren't the only one thinking this.
I'm used to authors dropping things and disappearing on other stories as well, and I totally get it. I don't plan for any story of mine to truly go on hiatus like that.
(Plus, the next chapter's already halfway done, lol)
9611964
>next chapter's already halfway done
dank
eta on the release?
9611972
Within the next week or so.
9612029
noice
expect me there
9612029
where's the next chapter
Interesting... the strength of the Dazzlings' characterization is quite promising. I'll keep my eyes on this one.
9612029
hello?
10156546
Pretty sure the stories dead. Especially if they don't answer back in some time. Damn shame too it had promise