Evictus
Joined 6th Nov, 2017 ·
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Evictus · 2.5k words · 25 56 · 1.3k views
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Cool. Will you write more?
8618937
Yes!
Quit trolling faggot.
8618959
That's really mean. :/
The title is like a car crash in slow motion. I can't look away...
8618962
Write better.
begone faggot
put the derpy profile pic back on pussy
8618989
Please don't call me a faggot. That's really hurtful and I'm hurt by it.
What has been read, cannot be unread.
8619000
i'm sorry
The f
uck did i just read
Do you mean pregnant? How would Twilight know anyway, she didn’t take any tests yet.
And how would Spike now what cumming is if he only heard the word once and does not know what it means.
Happy to help, story is a good start! Hope you write more and get better along the way! You are not alone! Remember that!
So take a like from me!
8619022
That's pregnant, lol. 😵
8619019
story on the internet?
8618997
What do you mean? You got something against faggots or something? You should count yourself lucky to be mistaken for one of us.
I'm having a giggle, mate.
8619107
i am bi but i don't like people being mean to me and it was said meanily
8619109
yore laughing at me?
8619111
With.
8619112
oh. Oh! teehee! was funny
dafuq did i just read?
Are you sure your winnie wasn't the one tipying?
Anyway. make sure to clean this, there are some errors here and there, and things that dont make sense too (like "another person", what is a person, anon?
).
Aside from that there are some dialogues that seem out of character, and the pace is really rushed from one event to another.
Well, that's everything. Keep working fam, you will get better with time and practice.
Upvote for the lulz.
My god! How does Twilight know she's gregnert already!?
Obligatory wadu fuck
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/312/011/fc4.jpg
With the comments I've seen, I just had to post this
not bad
Eww...
1. harder than an ionsdaleite diamond
lonsdaleite
2. Twilight continued to message his throat
massage
3. his draconic eyes fixed on her tussled mane
tousled
4. as his phallus shoved its way out of his sheathe.
sheath
5.her name in thirty seven languages.
thirty-seven
6."Well I'm glad to be your first!"
Well,
7."I'm pergnent!"
pregnant
8619698
Reasonably sure the last one was a joke...
8619764
Still, just pointing out the grammar
It was horrible, thanks!
10/10
*Opens up Fimfiction
*Sees Title
*Closes Fimfiction
okay, so...I'd recommend reading a lot more fimfictions/Fanfictions, as that's where I learned most of what I know. As hilarious as that sounds to people who haven't read a lot of them. You learn quickly what's appealing and what isn't. I'm not talking fetish wise, I mean more along the lines of opening a story, word choice, describing a scene, realistic dialogue, and a lot of other things. Follow some Tumblr writers tips blogs. Write some stuff, and read it out loud. Oh, and download Grammarly, a great way to be lazy.
Hope your next stories go better mate :) , Hopefully you're not another Evictus.
LMAO great read 10/11
So wonderful, my peepee just got hard reading this.
8620282
hope pee pee isn't hard for more than four hours. might explode
Now, if only Spike weren't suck a smol kid with a smol dick... ;D
8620814
two tru
8619698
This story made me pergnent
8635851
send me the ultrasound
I'm never dying happy.
8635857
deep
Quick bit of information; Orange juice burns SO BAD when sprayed out of one's nose in laughter.
Im trying to get back into writing with a new story, but like is this one bad? Like misspelled words, cringy? Or is this more along the lines of hey we dont like no foalcon n stuff?
8656230
My writing are really bad.
this. storyissomewhat an art pience ! .; notice the impeccccabel worlding, brillienat visazliations and tochinf plot. 13056783293567439% out of 100 accuaraycey for grandma, spilling and techniges liiek your an english phd. 1037456375472546782196347846759678e621.net32674656219347680 out of 10! good job
Fapping was impossible was laughing to hard xD
Um... you really need to study female anatomy. A female "pee pee" is not the same as a clitoris. Rather, the clitoris is merely one part of her genitalia. Referring to a clitoris as the pee-pee is like looking at a finger nail, and saying "That's the entire finger".
Also, you dedicated so few words to this, that it felt like everything happened in the span of only a few seconds. You might want to consider using more words to really dramatize the sexy action. Consider the following examples:
The first example is very short, leaving the reader with no time at all to enjoy what they're reading. Consequently, pretty much any material written in such a way will inevitably be BORING.
The second example is essentially the same story, except longer. Although I hashed that one out real quick, I think it makes a much more interesting read. Of course, if I really wanted to write a good story, I'd spend at least an hour and a half (probably longer) really dramatizing the story.
Part of how one does that is to re-read their own stories over and over and over again. Everytime you re-read your own story, you'll find some detail that needs improvement, and you'll fix it. You then read it again, and find more improvements to make. Basically, you repeat this process over and over until you've got something really special.
With that in mind, good luck, and keep practicing.
https://youtu.be/WH0z00t8OlM